Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@UtterSocks I'm getting that you are looking a gift horse in the mouth with Mr Ginger by comparing him to Mr Local. Of course Mr Local is exciting and appealing but really I think these types mess with our minds and there is never happiness at the end of it.

Nope, no facetiming Mr Yoga. I'm trying to be cool about things and focussing more on Xmas stuff rather than him. But I don't know whether I'm being too cool about things. It would be nice to feel missed.

@TheCatWithTheHat I'd always respond if things were or weren't going forward so I'm surprised people are still slack about things like this. Hopefully onwards and upwards!

@UtterSocks
Hope you and Mr Ginger have a great time together & Mr Local's prowess is pushed far to the back of your mind while you are together.

Much respect for your ability to multi date. You rock.

I appear to have a new very enthusiastic match with a potential iron ten years my junior... this is a first. I usually (since XH 2.5 years ago) date older guys.

By comparison with the one I've agreed to match he's pinging messages back v quickly which is a joy. I'll give him a call later to see what he's like. 👍

Trying to date at the moment (I'm tier 3) just seems pointless. I'm still on the apps but barely swiping and when I do match wonder why I bothered.

A few days ago I matched with a guy that had a bio saying didn't want penfriend - chatting and meeting was important to him. He messaged and we chatted a bit and he asked for a video call that evening. I agreed a time and waited ... and waited. Nothing. Woke to a message apologising saying he had fallen asleep and saying I must be upset with him - (he had clearly seen id already unmatched with him and deleted him from my contacts) but he clearly didn't bank on me seeing he had been sporadically online all night 🤬 so I just replied that I wasn't upset but have a low tolerance for time wasters and being messed about. He said he wasn't messing me about and he would call that night. I said I wasn't avail as had made other plans! I hadn't but I'm sick of this sort of rubbish.

Am chatting with another couple now and one has suggested a park walk next weekend when I'm free but I've been out today and its grim as sooooo cold so the thought of walking round a freezing park with a stranger now fills me with dread 🤦‍♀️

Thanks @Ruralbliss and @Eesha - it is a shame, but I'm used to it now. Maybe she's just busy, but I'm not expecting to hear from her now. Slightly rude too I think as I paid for drinks and food, and a thanks would have been appreciated even if she didn't want to see me again. Someone out there will think I'm a prize - I hope :(

I was actually one of her first dates from OLD apparently, so she hasn't yet been on the receiving end of being ignored after a date. I think that changes your view of it, and makes you realise that the other person appreciates that message even if it's hard to send.

Extra strong move there @Slothmomma and fuck that shit - (precious) time wasting, game playing and a liar to-boot.

Another bullet handily dodged I say.

Gotta love the old 'Fell asleep' porky pie when tech reveals that to be a terrible terrible untruth. My last missive from Mr VE was last Friday morning saying he'd fallen asleep after delivering his bailing on my rare child free Saturday night text.
Oooooooooh no you didn't you were awake and chatting to someone else on WhatsApp

@TheCatWithTheHat it's very very poor manners to not thank someone for drinks and food - this has been the case long before OLD.
Especially if you sent a nudge text & that's been ignored.

Let's call her another bullet dodged too - who knows what kind of upset she might have caused to your heart/mental health if she started a thing with you.

People are weird. I guess this is why so many of them are single.

Not us though of course - we're all prizes and great 😊

(Guess who's stuck on back to back dreary work conference calls today)

Just had another thought re dire bullets dodged early - they seem to think that they are our only option. Non. It's an infinite abundance of others who may (or may not admittedly) be more aware of our prize status and it's a case of Fuck U Next at the first sign of something not meeting our quality standards.

@ruralbliss - seeing them online on WhatsApp messes with my head. I've got no right to ask who they're message but it's obvious it's not their mum!

With WhatsApp could get rid of that feature for people who don't want to be seen online!

@Whoknows11
I had a situation on Monday - out of the blue as I left the office an ex romance who still holds a candle for me messaged me for first time in months. I was in a horrible dark place re Mr VW binning me via ghosting after 8 weeks of intimate great times & I knew I was going to be texting supportive girl mates that evening but did not want Mr Broke to see me online and have these kind of hurt feelings.

I blocked him temporarily so my online status would be hidden for that one evening as no headspace to reply to him (it was our anniversary). Too busy fighting tears of latest bad iron callousness.

The next thing was I got SMS from Mr Broke saying "YOUVE BLOCKED ME RURAL?!? WHAT HAVE I DONE? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS IM DEVASTATED! 😢'

Ffs. Had to soothe him the next day and explain the rationale for temp block but then he got sad that I'd had another iron since him.

I get into the habit of going onto airplane mode to draft a msg then flicking wifi on again as I come out of WhatsApp
Or construct message in notes and quickly copy paste so my time online is minimal.

Or fuck it. I'm a free agent I can be online without feeling obliged to respond to those I don't want to (as many of these irons are doing to us but I never claim to have fallen asleep when I haven't as never ever lie about anything)

I hate being asked for more photos by irons I'm chatting to- mainly because my profile has various pictures of me and all recent.

MrBoring (yes I've gone with that name ) has only one picture and he's wearing sunglasses in it... is it unreasonable to ask for another picture? Or am I better suggesting a video call (we are due to chat on the phone tonight to arrange tomorrow's 'date')

@cravingthelook

yeh I think we’re similar region of UK

I semi -disabled myself on ice early this year - this morning and last night I was literally shaking at the thought of stepping out on it, the mental trauma hasn’t worn off.

Though I’m 75% through rehab etc.

So I called in late and had a leisurely cocoa in bed (also advantage of hiding from big boss)

When I had my accident I was kind of on a long distance promise to MrMilitary.

and I think that situation kind of hit home that there’s a difference between a “fun guy” and someone who will call you up to offer emotional support (He’s not a 100% bastard, but when I was in hospital I got a quick couple of random texts whilst he was on a jolly officers ski-ing trip )

and sit holding your hand in hospital and help you dress when you need to and leave cooked dinners in your kitchen .

My friends and the NHS and my spiritual community literally physically carried me through the months and I even managed to smash some qualifications whilst I was at it.

So I didn’t feel unloved at all and honestly this has been a great year for me.

But it did bring home a few flirtatious texts were ultimately just not enough - it made me realise that I couldn’t cope with not feeling looked after and supportive friendship/companionship as well as “mutual attraction” and “chemistry/spark”

Anyway now I’m waiting for MrC (hurry up and message you bugger!) and MrMilitary is emotionally demoted to (possible) third class Male side chick.

I’m rambling but hope everyone is safe in the winter weather (don’t have an accident like me )

@Ruralbliss absolutely! We are all great! And it's always the other person who's weird and missing out Oh well - I had an enjoyable evening with her, and it's obviously not meant to be so can't complain.

Onwards and upwards with another date tonight - this one I've really been getting on well with over text, although there's always that worry that we won't click in real life.

@Whoknows11 Oh I totally agree - that one feature on WhatsApp has probably caused me more anguish than anything else over the last year. I know I shouldn't do it, but I can't help myself sometimes and it's a horrible feeling seeing them online.

@TheCatWithTheHat

I described that particular WhatsApp feature to a mate who hates technology and has an old payg brick and he was like “that’s horrendous ! That’s obviously designed to make people either feel insecure or spied on”

It is horrendous - it's addictive, and mentally harming too I think.

@Bunkbedpeople I see!! That does sound scary., I'm glad you are better. Come on Mr C.

My accident was in the bad weather in February on borders country roads with 3 friends in the car (well one was Mr Swan) the car flipped on its roof and all 4 of us walked out of it fine but I was so shaken. Mr Swan cuddled me for 2 hours straight.
He was in the car yesterday and totally understood my nervousness and said it's ok we aren't in a hurry. It felt good to have him there.

I actually phoned him this morning to talk work ... I was so excited as my boss and I had a 1:1 to talk about next years training for me (after a surprisingly great appraisal last week) and said actually X is planning to retire back end of next year and I think it would be better to give you his responsibilities too (they do fit together seamlessly and there is a lot of overlap) and you can hire a sr engineer to do the tasks and you can do more strategic regional stuff. 😁😁😁

So I'm feeling positive today.

Need to log on and finish some stuff tonight now tho as we spent a while working out how things might work but hey ho

This is why I don't have WhatsApp- that, and hiding from my mum . Mr Sparky persuaded me to install it, just so that I could have the joy of seeing him online and not messaging me I suppose , but then I got a new phone and never reinstalled it. I tend to use Kik, or text message.

bunkbedpeople At last a return date for Mr C! I have been twitching in sympathy for you with his endlessly- delayed return.

I completely get the need to feel supported. I crave it so much sometimes....which brings up the sticky issue of Mr Double Decker. I'm seeing him tomorrow, and we have arranged that he is going to help me with several practical things (teaching me to use a drop saw, helping me carry something massive), and he's obviously positioning himself as being massively sympathetic and supportive with everything. He knows I don't want a relationship with him, and I worry that I'm going to be tempted to take advantage of him. He seems to have this pattern of having his good nature (naivety with people) exploited, and I don't want to do that to him.

But surely it's good to see them online and know they haven't fallen asleep/died...

It's great data. It shows you are not their priority.

OMG @Bunkbedpeople what a horrible accident you must have had but to style it out with such solo strength and getting those qualifications too. So much respect.

Funny that you've documented your thought re supportive significant other.

A few weeks ago I had gynae surgery. You may recall I wasn't sure whether to mention to brand new iron at the time. I did but only in passing.

On the day he texted 'How's your day going?' so I sent back a pic of the ward & all I got back was 'Ah yes fanny tuck day 😂😂😂😂´ it made me smile but solidified what I already knew - not what I'm looking for.

Meanwhile of course my golden girl chums were checking in on me throughout with quality caring words.

I'm coming back as a lesbian in my next life. For def.

Woah bloody hell @cravingthelook the car flipped?!? I cannot even begin to imagine the trauma of that event. Mr Swan sounds like a good person.

Sorry meant to also say congrats @cravingthelook that's a promotion what ace news.

@Ruralbliss he's an amazing person with the emotional intelligence of a gnat. He genuinely cares for me but kept messing me about because he cares and likes me but doesn't want me (when sober) due to our many differing circumstances. It's taken a long time and a lot of work and a lot of heartbreak to be able to love each other and be close regardless of no romantic relationship.
I won't do life without him, I knew it that day in Feb. I'll take the romantic heartbreak over not having him in my life a million times over.

Oh the actually accident was terrifying, my car was wrecked, the roof completely smashed and all 4 of us were fine held in our seatbelts safely.

It's funny how we think we are over things and yet the come back. Really struggling with the memories of it this week.

The job change is almost year away and training to do but I knew my boss rated me, but this has solidified that I am his succession plan 😁

I am realising that every time I think of Mr Festival I get a sinking feeling. Seeing him on screen last night really put me off. The more I think of him the more I don't want to drive for an hour to meet him halfway when I can't imagine ever kissing him. It started so well and I got a bit excited about him but...no....😪
So now I have to let him know. He's been very complimentary about me and I'm pretty sure he'd like to give things a go and I'm not just going to ghost him. But can you mention lack of spark when you've not even met?

@cravingthelook congrats on the promotion and yy trauma isn’t something we can “think” our way out of?

And thanks for the well wishes everyone been feeling very loved this year even though I’ve been technically single for all of it.

I think it’s so easy to feel we need to be in the sexy/funny/flippant mode with dating to get and keep attention.

when also we can acknowledge we’re vulnerable human beings with feelings who get hurt in other ways.

Plus there’s reciprocity - if a friend got hurt (let alone someone I’m dating) for me it would just be default etiquette to immediately check up on them/make a call/offer practical help/put them first.

Not ask them briefly to “keep me posted”

MrMilitary seems to think I did him wrong by not accepting contact for a while whilst recovering.

but tbh if a grown man needs education on how to be polite/emotionally supportive to someone they’re dating they need to go to Young Gentlemen Finishing School, it’s not my job to teach them in between A and E visits.

@WeWantTheFinestWines sorry to hear you’re not feeling it.

I’d just keep it quick and polite and do it soon and don’t leave ambiguity about staying in touch .

You’re clearly a caring thoughtful person so you’ve nothing to feel guilty about and if he’s a nice guy he’ll appreciate you telling him. You’ll be relieved when it’s done.

bunkbed sorry you've had such a hard time. I hope you get to see MrC soon and that it's as good as you wish for.

Thanks for your advice - I've just messaged him and feel a bit shit because I'm back at square one but also relieved that it's done.

Sitting on hands here trying not to message MrC first tonight 😬 - I had a mental day which actually worked out ok, he sent me a morning message with a photo from his hotel room before his CV test.

Assume after three months in a tin cabin on nights he’s just chilling and having man time so I think it’s best to let him do his thing and set the pace a bit.

We aren’t really in the habit of daily messages so no stress (plus I assume he wouldn’t have sent expensive sports gear delivered to me if he was planning to disappear)

My mind is still doing paranoid overtime though