Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

And of course @LongtimelurkerL it's perfectly possible that the spin statement issued during chat last night with possible new iron is actually a lie and the truth is "I'm an abusive fuck who made my XW's life a misery for twenty years"

This is very true @Ruralbliss and a good reminder actually

I got a message in POF from Mr Pet saying I'd really like to see you again please.....
I just replied, - then why didn't you call or message me?

Idiot

This is all very interesting. I think that for me because I have DS all the time one of the questions people ask early on is when does he go to his dads and I have to say he doesn’t. I wonder if that it itself marks me out as a vulnerable mum.

@cravingthelook how long since Mr Pet was last in touch? and what's the backstory with him? Daft sod bobbing up trying to make out he realises you are the prize now - ooops.

@PumpkinWitch how old is DS - if old enough to be left home alone then I would say no it doesn't make you vulnerable but if young I'd wonder whether sharing this with strange men might make a weirdo think he might get easy access to a kid.
I may be overthinking this.

If it's helpful (probably not) I say in early chats that my kids are old enough to be left home alone which allows me to have a 'social' (sex) life.

@PumpkinWitch
If someone asked my kids ages or when they go to their other parents i would give a vague answer that gave nothing away.

As long as they know you have kids thats the most important (and if you had a tiny baby i think that is relevant)

I've always been very guarded about my daughter especially as she is a teenager and i would worry about whether men would try to get through me to her, you hear so much about grooming etc that i would never put my kids in that position.

He is only 2 so obviously is not going to be left alone. I think people ask because they want to know when you are free to go on a date. Most people I know who are single parents arrange dates when their child is at their other parent.

@PumpkinWitch
Instead of admitting your son doesnt see his father i would just say that you're free on x and y days or every other Saturday evening.

You dont need to say he'll be looked after by family or a babysitter.

Whoever you use presumably they've agreed to have your son regularly so you can date so just mention vague availability at the start.

@Dancerinthemoonlight - wow, you are coping with a lot of stuff at the moment, and doing so admirably and with a positive attitude and stable self reflection. You absolutely rock!

@Ruralbliss - I didn’t know about the keeping abuse close to your chest at first either but it makes total sense -thank you for airing. And I am sorry you (and all the other women on here for whom it is the case) have had to cope with abuse. It’s hard, but coming to terms with things and moving on is possible eventually. And I have been open about it in the past with dates because - well because it took quite a bit of counselling to admit it to myself so I felt it was empowering to own it as I try to move on. Rather than hide it from ‘shame’ that I could not find a ‘normal’ marriage. But I see from a safeguarding point of view that what you all say is really valid.

@LongtimelurkerL- OK so from what I forensically studied from OK Cupid when I briefly forgot myself and stalked Mr Local is this - if there is a green dot by their name on messaging they have definitely been on there (either are on there right now or have been recently) BUT you don’t know what they are doing. They could be replying to messages out of politeness, or they could be ogling your profile pics again or re-reading your messages (I do this sometimes) OR yes, they could be looking for or chatting to another person. But the point is you don’t know. Also - if you can see them then they can see you and may be wondering the same. I had to force myself not to look or care in the end with Mr Local. But then we have a very clear-cut thing which means it is nothing to do with me what he does when not with me, obviously if someone has committed to exclusivity it would be time for a chat.

Can I just say finally I think I currently have copyright over the name Mr Ginger (having changed his name from Mr Yoga because of @Eeesha’s iron). He is only a bit gingery to be fair, so I feel a fraud, but Mr Slightly Ginger is happily with another sister from this site so all the auburn spectrum names are clearly in demand! If I had to change his name again it would be Mr Whydoyourfuckingteenagekidsneverleavethehouse? But that is too long to type. Perhaps we need a shade chart spectrum of names?? (Mr Auburn/Russet/Strawberry Blonde/Copper etc?)

Ok I'm renaming M Planner to
Mr FairGingerCowardlyidiotthatstillmessagesmeforsomeunknownreasonperhapsheknowsiamtheprizeafterall

Thanks @UtterSocks that makes sense - we’ve been on one date so def wouldn’t want anyone deleting other apps or anything like that at this stage!!! Useful to know though ta

@ruralbliss not that close to him (talk about once a month but he is making an effort recently) but he kept it a secret from everyone, even my brother that speaks to him everyday. They aren't married but he treats her kids like his own. Youngest is 18 then 28 and not sure how old the eldest.
It weird to think there is a woman out there and 3 men that know about me and my life when I know nothing about them. Don't know if I want to meet her and the boys or not. Don't know if I ever will.
I just hope he has been a better father to them than he has been to me. Found out he used to be on a load of drug aswell and has basically taken everything. Something else I'm trying to get my head around as he was financially, physically and emotionally abusive to me, my bother and mum.

Think I will probably just say it's complicated when I get back to dating. As far as I'm concerned I'm the youngest.
I have a half brother and half sister, an adopted brother and adopted sister, a full brother and now 3 step brothers I found out about 2 weeks ago.

Good to see you @Dancerinthemoonlight hope you’re staying warm 🥶🥶

@UtterSocks thank you. I feel like it never rains but it pours at the moment. Everything has come out at once. I'm kind of glad I'm single so I can process everything on my terms and not have to worry about putting on my best for any dates or talk to a boyfriend about all this.

It's so weird hearing about his life and him saying about his cats etc. I feel like I know basically nothing about my dad; like he is virtually a stranger. My parents have been divorced for about 20 years but my mum never stopped us having a relationship with him but he didn't seem to want one with me. While he has been a dad to these 3 boys for the past 8 years and lived with them etc. He has said that he wishes he would have made an effort years ago but he didn't know what my mum had said out him 🙄

I'm meant to be seeing him later tonight for a coffee. Skipped out on Mondays meeting (my brother went on his own) as I just needed a break and to still try and process/come to terms with everything

@UtterSocks I see the issue there with Mr Ginger. I actually renamed him from Mr Festival as all the love for the gingers suddenly poured out. Ironically, he is bald now. But the school photo - wow! Freckles too. I could call him Shrek, but that wouldn't be very nice of me. I shall return to Mr Festival and leave the whole autumnal colour chart freely available again.

@Dancerinthemoonlight can't imagine what you're going through - but you come across as strong and able to put yourself first for now.

@Dancerinthemoonlight that sounds like a lot to process - hope you manage to work through it all OK.

As for the question about what to say when a guy asks about children. It never occurred to me that some guys might have dubious reasons for asking about that. For me, I'd only ask how old someone's children are and whether she looks after them all the time to a) acknowledge that I know she has kids and that I'm interested in finding out more about her and b) get some idea of how often she would be available.

If someone has her kids permanently I wouldn't even consider the reason why, I'd just like to know how often she'd be available to spend time with me. I feel intrusive asking much more than that though, as it's none of my business.

Also, I tend to avoid talking about exes on both sides. I don't think anyone needs to know more than "we just drifted apart over time, and it didn't work out". I'd also feel a little awkward if someone did go into more details about why they broke up with someone in the initial stages of dating. To me, if someone talks about an ex in any detail, it usually means they're not totally over them which is a bit of a red flag.

Good point re @TheCatWithTheHat re Ex-files. It's good to know scant details (how long single for example) but mentionitis should be a no-no in the early stages.

Although having said that I got frustrated with a guy I was with for 9 months when about 6 months in he told me he didn't like me talking about my XH and what a dick was being about seeing our kids. I felt this was unhelpful & unsupportive.

I'd never thought about the kids being a topic to be avoided until it was raised on here today. I usually prompt the conversation early in messages with new matches as I don't tend to fancy blokes who have moved away from kids plus parenting three teens solo is a big deal that I can't imagine getting on with someone who hasn't been there or is in a similar position.

I'm firm on my when they are ok to meet my kids though and it's never before 6 months of knowing one another these days. Learnt that rule the hard way.

For all the ginger lovers out there....

I think someone knowing you have kids- and when you have them- is absolutely crucial, from the off. They form such a massive part of my life- I need to know that someone's OK with that. I am also very keen to know what any potential flame's parenthood status is. Even when looking for a hook up I'm rather reassured if someone's an involved father, as it means we're on the same page re: discretion, time being precious, being a functioning adult (hopefully), etc.etc. I don't tell them my kids' names for several dates, but I do tell them their ages, because that would have a bearing on any possible future relationship.

Is this a red flag?

New to old after s dry spell. Met a nice guy for 2 dates but get the impression he's after sex, even though he says he's not after one thing!

Our text conversations quickly turn to bedroom antics. Is this normal?

I’m really struggling to know why any man would choose me over a non single mother - and it sucks. I’m hot and successful but never as good as no ‘baggage’

@LongtimelurkerL sometimes men are also in the same boat with kids and they prefer people who understand their limitations. My iron has no kids but is super busy and is usually the one I have to work round timewise.

Oh my goodness @crackofdoom one of Mr Swans avatars is beaker.

I prefer men who have children because they get the limitations and priorities. Mr Festival, formerly known as Mr Ginger (who I now wish I'd called Beaker crackofdoom), doesn't, but he does seem to understand I'm not always available to talk, etc, so hopefully that won't end up being a problem.

You’re making assumptions there @LongtimelurkerL - one woman I dated really made me sit up and take notice when I overheard her tone on the phone when speaking to one of her children: it was lovely and helped me understand what a great person she was. Likewise I’ve dated someone with no kids too and there’s a mismatch in the amount of availability they expect and you can give. The right person will see your qualities and try to fit around you.