Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Ruralbliss with Miss Let's Get Warm I just said I needed to head home to feed my cats. It felt quite awkward actually, as we'd only been chatting on the bench for an hour or so hardly knew each other.

With the date last night, I replied something along the lines of "it was lovely to meet, but unfortunately I didn't feel that elusive romantic spark that I'm looking for, and I wish you luck in your search".

I think sometimes you just know it's mutual, so mutual ghosting is fine in those cases. But if someone says they like the other person and want to see them again, I think it's rude to be ignored in that situation.

@LongtimelurkerL
Please dont get caught up in the worrying about someones status on okcupid unless you're exclusive with that person.

The problem with the online status on okcupid is that if you dont log out it shows as being online so you could be not on the app all day but it shows as you being online.

Or maybe the other person is on it all day long.

I've been off the app over a year so things may have changed.

I think @UtterSocks will know more as she is on it currently and sent herself mad with checking someones status🙁

That's a good text message @TheCatWithTheHat 'elusive romantic spark' being a polite euphemism for 'I didn't fancy you'. I'll keep that to hand.

Funny how one good chat with someone who appears to be my intellectual equal suddenly makes previous iron look like a thick thug but until this chat I was still holding a candle for him.

Glad that the chat has helped me move on if nothing else comes of it.

I guess it's a variant of the theory 'getting under a new man helps you get over the previous one'

Well I got the, I like you but don't think we are suited at half midnight last night... I did enjoy sending this message back this morning...

Yes Mr Pipes I fully agree.

I know when I find my person they will know when they meet me if they want to see me again and won’t need to take time to think it through or indeed explore and evaluate other options.

Enjoy the sites and I hope you get exactly what you need. Good luck.

Yes sista @cravingthelook you totally rock!

I'd like to revoke my mean spirited comment about previous iron being thick thug as he isn't/wasn't just not a cerebral match for me

But....

On the long drive to work I've decided to classify the sex from 'mediocre' to 'damaging and verging on the rapey' 😐
What the hell was I doing going back for more of that? Suspect the draw of off-duty good times in a nice setting & being plied with booze etc clouded my judgement. Plus my dysfunctional upbringing makes me susceptible to enjoy any attention.

I need to give myself a very stern talking to.

Thanks to you lot though I'm pleased to note during phone chat with new iron last night I did not mention abusive nature of XH when asked how come we split. Referenced his poor mental health and drifting apart instead.
Until now I've always been upfront about his bad ways and only from being on this thread do I know that puts me at risk to tell a stranger who I might date.

Haven't heard from @Dancerinthemoonlight for a while. How are you doing? Hope you are ok.

Actually I'd like to suggest, subject to agreement by others, that we add a 15th rule to the list which states how important it is to keep past abuse card close to our chests when embarking on new relationships as new people to this thread may, like me, not know this is best practice

Would that be ok next time we start a new thread?

@Ruralbliss I'm still here and following along with everyone's dating progress. The lying cheating bastard's wife followed me on Instagram so I blocked her and have locked down all my social media profiles.

I'm okay thank you. Life is complicated at the moment - I found out a few weeks ago that I have 3 step brothers that I didn't know about as my dad has been in a secret relationship for the past 8 years.
I have figured out where I was going wrong in dating in the past 2 years and assessing how to stop the cycle. I was choosing the same man over and over as I knew how it would end; maybe I was emotionally unavailable.
I am working through how to trust myself and how to trust men again.
Right now I am dating myself; figuring out what makes me happy, what I like doing when not in a relationship etc and focusing on me.
Still supporting the family member where it is needed but I also have to focus on me as I can't fix everything and everyone. I am worried they will resent me if I get to have what they possibly won't have but I know long term I would resent them if I put my life and ambitions on hold to support them.

@Ruralbliss I also have a past history of abuse so that is good to know not to mention it earlier on. I also worry about my boundaries which are quite bad. I think it is a good idea to add it to the new thread. He did ask if DS saw his dad to which I had to say no and he said it’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it.

The guy I have been seeing is also ginger! Loving the ginger love on this thread.

@Dancerinthemoonlight that must have been quite a big shock for you.

@SortingItOut yeah you're right - i'm def not driving myself insane - more wondering how the website works - any advice @UtterSocks?

Great reply @cravingthelook!

@Ruralbliss what's the advice re abuse and sharing with new partners? What do you say then when someone new asks why you're a single parent etc?

@LongtimelurkerL
My ex husband was emotionally abusive (and had emotional affairs) over our whole marriage, if people asked why we split i would either say we grew apart or that he cheated.

I dont get into detail about the whys and wherefores.

My current boyfriend knows my history and knew it early on due to the fact my ex stalked and harassed me for months and i was too scared to go far and ex also slashed his tyre when he stayed at mine

Never admit to anyone new your past history as some men prey on vulnerable women.

@SortingItOut I guess my problem with 'we grew apart' is it makes it sound like I 'couldn't keep a man' or we were both at fault or whatever....' i'm thinking saying something in future like 'unfortunately he wasn't very nice, if we get further in all this i'd be happy to explain it all'

Does that sound ok - or anyone got a better wording?

@LongtimelurkerL
Why does it matter that some random thinks you contributed to the breakdown of your last relationship?

Loads of people split when they grow apart.

Do not say he wasn't very nice and you'll explain one day as that screams domestic violence and you're hinting about your vulnerabilities.

If it was me i would just say you grew apart or fell out of love.

You dont want to say you'll tell them one day because you might not want to tell them ever even if you had a relationship with them.

You need to remember that some men prey on vulnerable women especially those who have been abused because they can then abuse that person also.

Just thought of sonething else...

If a supermarket worker or neighbour asked you why you split you wouldn't go into details would you?

A random off the internet is no different.

@LongtimelurkerL, unfortunately he wasn't very nice, if we get further in all this i'd be happy to explain it all , I think that sounds fine. Some guys are respectful and won't push at that stage for other details, some can be wary or nosey and want to find out more early doors. I wasn't in this position because sadly my DH passed away. But even in that context guys generally reacted in the same way. I think it gives an insight into the kind of person they are, those early conversations.

@SortingItOut I guess it doesn't - guess my current guy is a sort of old friend so feels a bit more important assuming date on Sat goes well of course. And no, but I probably would say he wasn't very nice.

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 and sorry to hear about your DH

@LongtimelurkerL
The other thing to be wary of is that by saying he wasnt very nice they might think you've got a crazy ex and its not worth the hassle.

I know that says a lot about them but also we have advised on this thread women not to get involved with men with loads of baggage and ex's who cause aggro.

I'm surprised my FWB stayed after my ex slashed his tyre, i wouldnt have if it was the other way round.
We're now coupled up so thank god he wasn't put off.

@SortingItOut argh - now I have no idea what to say - I hope it works out with this guy and i'm normally quite a straight talker so the idea of sort of not telling him about it so as not to scare him off doesn't make me feel fantastic....hmmmm

@LongtimelurkerL
I'm very much a straight talker as well but what went on in my marriage is my business which is why i told barely anyone.

Why cant you just say you mutually agreed to split and not go into the reasons?

Its not an outright lie, more a stretching of the truth for now while you get to know someone.

Best to keep it vague for now and stop overthinking it.

@LongtimelurkerL
Form a concise blank spin statement and practice saying it and issue it when asked by any new guy.

If you find yourself in a stead long term thing with them months down the line then you can do a reveal of the actual story.

Don't tell anyone new of past problems it's of no benefit to you

Fair enough @SortingItOut

Sounds like a strong move there @Dancerinthemoonlight to date yourself and take time to explore where you are and who you are. I might follow your lead there.

Your dad had an 8 year secret relationship? Presume you aren't that close to him and don't speak very often if he has remarried and has step children (grown up? kids?)

@Ruralbliss yeah I think that's what I'll do - was just looking for help working out what the statement should be for 'best' results

@LongtimelurkerL you aren't looking forward a result just a credible non-interesting backstory

On the phone with new guy last night he shared his marital breakdown story 'grew apart and hadn't realised we were both v unhappy cos a bit like slowly boiled frogs and caught up in child rearing and committed to marital vows until one day XW announced she wanted out & we've all been grand ever since'

I just said it was a similar story to my own but did add that my XH had mental health issues from the very beginning which meant he'd never been a particularly happy chappy.

We had far more interesting things to chat about than issues with past relationships

@Ruralbliss thanks that's helpful