Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Ohh @30somethingandstillsingle that's a real blow but yes think of the other woman
My ex fb still messages me even though he has a gf now. I can't understand how someone can be like that,having been cheated on by exh I'm certainly not going there,

Just been to meet a potential fwb fo a walk in a very busy park! Lots of chemistry and flirtiness and kissing and an agreement to meet again and have lots of fun together so I'm happy me.
I'll hide myself on apps and fab and see where this goes. I m no good at juggling people and mr plumber looks like he may be what I need. Good fun and not just sex let's see

Texting back almost immediately is a good sign right? I still can’t tell if this guy fancies me or wants to be my friend!!! Or, of course is pandemic bored

@LongtimelurkerL yes I think texting back quickly is a really good sign!

Lovely though slightly out of sync and disjointed conversation with MrC today

he’s basically in full-on “coming home enthusiastic let’s do stuff want to book and see a million things mode”.

Which is understandable given his 80 hour weeks but also not quite where I am emotionally or socially?

Or even practically - he suggested he could do breakfasts and packed lunches for me to take to work when I’m at his - I don’t want to be a Debbie downer but I only really can manage coffee and water before the afternoon ?

So I’m hugely looking forward to seeing him (and realise I need to let him be enthusiastic and let go a bit)

but also need to be mindful to keep communicating so I’m not just moving at his emotional pace/adjusting to his routine - when I was younger I maybe didn’t progress as much as I could have in other areas of my life due to “losing myself” in dating/relationships.

I let him order a bottle of rum to my flat though so as not to be a spoilsport (but WHY? He’s got loads of rum already ) and mentioned I do need my work space at his as a priority as I’m applying for start up funding early next year

When will he come @Bunkbedpeople and how long will he be with you? And also how long has he been away?

Not sure who remembers but I had a long distance romance early in lockdown#1 and he came to stay for two weeks whilst between gigs and it didn't go well. His vision of how it would be never materialised and he irked me from the moment he walked through the door!

Not saying this will happen to you but hope for your sakes he's not arriving for a long spell in holiday mode while you have to crack on with earning a crust etc.

Remind me how long have you know each other and how much time have you spent together ahead of this next time-off for him?

Yeh that deffo kind of echoes my own reservations @Ruralbliss - we dated and it went well in August, he’s been away three months now.

There wasn’t any talk of exclusivity as too soon (I took full advantage and had some residual dating contacts/dinner with an ex in September) but seems to have whittled down to just him now!

I’m in quite a good emotional place in other areas of my life and not really going to go “heart over head” in dating so I trust myself to make a good decision right now.

I did slightly raise the topic of the return to work today and he’s not sure - but I think I’ll deal with that situation when it arises.

I think he’s always been quite a “sensible practical choice” in my head - I do fancy him but also he’s always been 100% considerate and reliable in terms of communication.

So I’m optimistic and either way will be nice catching up and (hopefully!) some guaranteed lockdown intimacy which is nice.

If he has to return soon I’ll probably reassess the sitch then (my other emotional interest from this year, MrMilitary is back in town too next month so I might just swap one dashing seaman for another. Ok maybe not so dashing but dashing for me).

Won the burgundy nightie so I’ll get to do the full works as well

Oh and he’s not staying at mine - his place is closer to my work and is much nicer and he’s already outlined I can take over his little home office as he doesn’t wfh.

Ahhh he's not staying chez toi
This makes all the difference.

I think you'll have a great old time. Bet you cannot wait to get your mitts on one another - that burgundy nightie is going to get some action!

(Sniff - have just had a flashback of how complimentary Mr VW was about my matching undie sets... hey ho)

I just had nice phone chat with a nice jolly fella off of Tinder. His voice did not make me go weak at knees in the way a certain ex iron's did but it was definitely a two way conversation with questions asked of one another and he seemed interesting enough to have fingers in the sorts of pies which float my boat. He's going to call me again another time. He lives bloody miles away though and I'm pretty sure I should do the decent thing and get one guy out of my system before I do my usual trick of trying to get with another. Still it was nice to have a chat. He was nice.

Lol @Ruralbliss great dating minds think alike - I’ve definitely learned the hard way to be wary of the “hobosexual” (also known as “cocklodger lite”) type who just wants to angle to crash at mine!

MrC hasn’t been to mine ever (though he has offered to walk me back/help with DIY)

He got some Black Friday sale stuff delivered to mine (including birthday presents for me) and offered to collect it as he doesn’t want me carrying it to his (I’ve been ill)

but he said he’ll just wait outside and not need to be invited in.

I personally don’t think lifting a couple pairs of trainers and three T-shirts is going to send me to A and E so I’ll woman up and take them to his.

I’ll probably have him over for lunch at some point so that “hosting” box is ticked but no hurry.

MrMilitary got a hotel room for our meets (did walk me back but not come in) as he lives with his family and in barracks (officers mess?)

so if we did pick up things I’m not sure what I’d do about hosting - personally I feel if he’s on a good wage and wants to save money on rent and mortgage he can pay for a hotel room?

Sounds good with interesting chat guy - I miss those occasional random pleasant chats you get on apps even if they don’t go anywhere!

The ‘hosting’ discussion is very timely for me. While I have every second weekend child free and technically could host, I don’t want to at the moment. My ex is in a fragile state 🙄 and if he knew I had someone around he would probably have a breakdown and refuse to take the kids for weeks because he can’t cope with me moving on. It’s not worth it unless I’m really sure about the relationship which would be months in with anyone for me.
Also I’m waiting to get work done on my bathrooms and they are horrible at the moment so there is an element of embarrassment too!

I had a coffee meet outdoors in a car park in the dark yesterday evening with the guy I’ve been chatting to for a week! We had a great chat despite the cold and circumstances and I liked him. I can’t say if there’s a romantic spark as there was no kissing or hugs even- he’s a teacher so is very covid compliant I would have been less so!
So I’m not sure if it’s worth pursuing as when would he be less cautious and also see above because he lives with his parents after only recently returning to Ireland from abroad. And his mother is ill so I don’t think its a temporary arrangement as he is helping to care for her.
Arrgghh I don’t know!

@Mayzee of you can't have people to yours and latest iron lives with parents I would suggest the timing isn't great for you both - I'm now screening out if they don't live alone or have definite hosting slots.

Sounds v tricky with your ex so sorry you have that additional stress to add to all the others.

Can I ask how your ex would know if you've had a visitor - presume he could spot a car or something if nearby?
Seems a shame for him to have such a strong influence on your social/sex life when he is your ex.
I have a tricky XH too so do understand the concept of not rocking boat as consequences could be serious.

Has anyone here dabbled or had any luck with 'Visualising' (not sure if that's the right term but it'll do)?

I found myself forcing myself to look further at Lessons Learned from recent disappointment/disappearance of 8 week iron and the 4 romances previous to him.

Keen to focus on the positives rather than the sadness of rejection etc and have written a piece of prose where my list of must-haves in a high quality person worthy of making room for in my life is converted to fantasy but real-lifelike scenarios which helps me focus on what good would look like and further rationale for screening out early.

It's been uplifting and fun plus benefit of seeing how not-me recent iron was despite my rose tinted infatuated glasses on.
I want to have matched sense of humour, be proud to introduce to friends and family, as tactile as me, as energetic as me etc etc.

@Ruralbliss, I am sorry that things with Mr VW did not pan out exactly as you had hoped.
I think most of us have some sort of ideal in our head of who we think would be perfect for us. For me those attributes are predominantly about what kind of person they are. Above and beyond fancying someone I don't have a type or prescriptive list, that seems rather pointless and shallow to me. I can also be a day dreamer and a bit of a romantic, playing out scenarios in my head. But they again are not something I see or need as a pre requisite for a finding a man. It's a bit like imagining all the best bits of Christmas edited into a romantic montage, in reality it's rarely, if ever , like that.
I am not setting myself up as any kind of expert and I am far from sorted but I guess that best way forward if you want to avoid too may chaotic liaisons is to take your time a bit with the initial phase. Let them reveal themselves to you a bit more before you dive in and get absorbed into the high of great sex, instant connection etc. There is no short cut to making something work long term.

@Ruralbliss
I would call that manifestation rather than visualising but both are basically the same.

Have you ever read The Secret?
If you havent its worth reading, i have a PDF version if you would like it, just PM me your email address.

My daughter is 17 and believes in it completely, i am 80% there. I think younger people are definitely more open to it.

I think that knowing exactly what you want and need in a man is a good thing, it will hopefully prevent situations arising like with Mr VW or your other ex's.

If i had to visualise a guy it wouldnt be on certain features (like dark hair, 6 pack etc) but would definitely include the need to fancy him a lot and to be good in bed - if that makes me shallow then so be it plus lots of others such as good job, own place, kind, thoughtful, caring etc

[quote Ruralbliss]@Mayzee of you can't have people to yours and latest iron lives with parents I would suggest the timing isn't great for you both - I'm now screening out if they don't live alone or have definite hosting slots.

Sounds v tricky with your ex so sorry you have that additional stress to add to all the others.

Can I ask how your ex would know if you've had a visitor - presume he could spot a car or something if nearby?
Seems a shame for him to have such a strong influence on your social/sex life when he is your ex.
I have a tricky XH too so do understand the concept of not rocking boat as consequences could be serious. [/quote]
@Ruralbliss it’s ridiculous to be allowing myself to be controlled by him in this way. He has had a mental health issue/breakdown or whatever but there is also an element of manipulation and martyrdom in his behaviour.
I have been trying to be respectful of his problems but have set a deadline for myself of the new year to both stop putting up with shit and sort the separation legally!
As regards this new one - the timing is a little off I agree. I like chatting to him and would like a proper meeting to maybe see if there was a romantic spark. But I’m going to have to be honest about my limitations with him so it may not be a runner anyway.

@Onesmallstep67 you are very wise. Your posts always come across so well thought out and incisive

I think visualisation can be good in that reminds you what is important so you are less likely to settle for less.

My ex is very emotionally manipulative. Something dawned on me this morning... a week ago he was phoning me crying saying he was done and ready to drive off a cliff. A couple of days later there is a brand spanking new Lexus hybrid on the drive. This is not the purchase of a suicidal man. (A manipulative one that is avoiding paying me the rest of my equity because the final legal deadline for it is 9 years away) stupid idiot isn't thinking that he has to pay me that just as he is nearing retirement 😂.

I'm not listening to his shite anymore.

I've stepped away from my best friend because I told her that her words and lack of understanding were hurting me, she said I'll ignore that because I know I'm not a bad friend. I explained of course you aren't but I need you to understand why I'm so broken and I need your understanding. The response was I'm not discussing over message you can phone me if you want.
I haven't phoned. It's been 6 days. If any friend told me they were at breaking point, I'd move heaven and earth to just be there for them.

She's also took over the group chat so I've ignored that now too.

I was feeling so shit and went against my better judgment and met Mr Bail... and he turned out to be a total nutter (after I had sex with him) I'm not proud of myself not noticing the flags.

I've got 2 chats on the go Mr Pipes that I think has genuine potential who I'm planning to go a SD walk with on Wednesday.

Mr TDH who I'm just being cautious with in the initial chats.

Btw Mr Showers and I got along great socially but nothing more.

After this I'm taking a break and coming off the apps. Mr Bail has shown me I'm not making smart choices.

I hope mr Pipes turns out good but if he doesn't - oh well.

I'm still not over Mr Planner... if Mr Pipes or Mr TDH doesn't spark enough to get him out my head. I definitely need a break.

Please remind me of all this when I'm feeling lonely and daft.

I have been talking to a guy and now I have a zoom date (it was going to be a face to face date and then we got the bad news about being in tier 3). We have messaged each other a lot and spoken on the phone twice and have loads in common.

I now feel really nervous. I think I have invested too much in someone I have never met as I really like him.

This is my first date that I have had. I was in a very abusive relationship for a long time and I worry that my judgment is wrong. I also worry that I am too damaged to have a relationship.

@cravingthelook That's such a lot. Your bloody ex. How dare he be so unhinged and mean.

Re the best friend. I think I'm your shoes (caveated with how easy this is for me to say not actually in your shoes) I'd phone. Or schedule a call. Only to explore the possibility of fixing this disruption to your friendship. Easier to do over phone to share how broken you are feeling and how in need of her remote support you are and how shit it would be to part ways over what might be a misunderstanding.

I'm sorry. It's all you need when everything else feels so hard to not have the support from those you thought you could depend on for strength and having your back.

Remind me how it played out with Mr Planner and how dented you are from the experience. I can't recall the detail of the what's and why's.

I think it's good you bonked Mr Bail and actually makes life easier that he revealed himself to be mad (& bad/sad). Good for you. Definitely do not give yourself a hard time about that!

Interesting @SortingItOut my teen daughters are always going on about 'manifesting'. I've never taken any notice. Also have friends who swear by 'asking the universe' for something.

All amounts to similar exercises and approaches I guess whatever the science/woooo beliefs are it's ultimately about having clear sight as to what you want & need so you can realise opportunities which might help you attain...

Or something.

@cravingthelook def unhinged... and yay @PumpkinWitch

It's been so long i'm actually afraid i've forgotten how to kiss and getting slightly alarmed at the thought of not realising the signs/being rubbish if it does happen on my date

@LongtimelurkerL I don’t think you can forget how to kiss it is fairly instinctive.

It is very nerve wracking having a date so I do sympathise.

I have never read the Secret or heard of manifesting before. It does sound a bit woo but I think the idea of being focused on what you want means that you can actually achieve it.

Hmmm....."manifesting"

Bit of a cynic here....I know full well what I want. Somebody fairly left wing, with a good moral compass, sane, solvent and happy in their own skin,who I fancy and have great sex with, who (and this is the killer) is an intellectual equal.

Problem is, you can manifest all you want, but if there aren't many of 'em out there, there aren't many of 'em out there. I'm a bit sus of this manifestation craze, probably because I've spent far too much time hanging out with hippies, but in general I think it puts far too much emphasis on everything being the individual's fault/ responsibility, and too little on structural inequalities (yep, I'm going to shoehorn the dreaded P word- Patriarchy- in again!)

Ahhh....intellectual equals. That's why I'm so smitten with Mr BigCityBoy- because he is one, and there are so few of them around (sorry if I sound big headed, but I've had a bellyful of blokes who think they're cleverer than me but patently aren't, and then get nasty about it. I get that you're supposed to minimise and hide your intelligence if you're a woman, but I can't and won't do that).

He didn't message me all weekend- no reason why he should, really. I was thinking "Really, this is the best way, you're going to have to let this thing lie- you like him way too much to be FWBs with him, so just quietly ignore and let things fizzle out..." He messaged this morning, and I replied straight back, like a sodding.....puppy .

@Ruralbliss I do that all the time. Not just with with relationships. My friend used to tell me" the future you cannot picture, you cannot feature ". I even visualize arguments I could have with a partner , weird I know .

@PumpkinWitch yay for your date . I hope it goes well . It should be easy as you have already spoken on the phone

I didn't realise that visualising and manifestation were 'real' things. I just had a brief Google. I'm not sure I am a great believer based on the tiny fragments of info that I read.
I think in life you can certainly have a goal or target and you are clearly in charge of making decisions about your life and how you choose to live it. You can decide that with dating ONS or FB doesn't work for you or practical, tangible things such as must drive or live within an hour etc. Those seem just fairly sensible decisions about what works for you. The rest for me then is about who they show themselves to be. The values that we share, the level of care and investment that we are then prepared to give each other. Sometimes those people come to you by luck but they stay because of your judgement