Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@DudefromThatLondon Thanks for the advice. Miss H who I was seeing until recently was recently divorced too, and I was the first guy she dated after that. However she seemed totally over it and I never even thought it was an issue.

The one yesterday seems to be at an earlier stage - apparently her ex is still in touch trying to change her mind. I'm getting the feeling though that things that seem too good to be true usually are. We didn't end up meeting today, as she was meant to be coming into town to pick something up, but has decided to do it tomorrow instead. I'm not convinced we'll end up meeting now, although that's probably not a bad thing.

One red flag is that she is already talking about us doing stuff over Christmas, when we haven't even met yet. The other one that is more concerning is that she suggested I meet her when she has her DC next week. Maybe she hasn't considered what effect meeting some random guy their mum has only just met will have on her DC, but even as a non-parent myself I can tell that's not a good idea.

Hi cat that is really weird wanting to meet you with her kids, how old are they? Unless it was a walk with a baby in a pram, but even that's odd! I wouldn't dream of it, although one man once asked if I was bringing my kids. I said obviously not and thought it was very odd!

I agree with the previous poster, it's a red flag wanting to bring her children.

And if she's asked you does she bring them on every date 🤔 how confusing for the child.

Ok. I’m reeling.

My gut was right I’m 99% certain. Don’t know what to do.
There’s nothing to do other than decide whether to block his number OR ignore any text/call that comes in OR be the braver classier one & officially bin him off for being shite/not good enough for me & my standards as he’s clearly behaving like someone who is not into me by messing me around, breadcrumbing not being available to talk when we said we would tonight, semi-cancelling the plan for him to come to mine this weekend for the first time but leaving it ambiguous. I think I’ll do a blend of the last two. See if a text/call comes in & if it ever does say ‘Nah....Laters’
If there was no pandemic I’d be hurriedly making alt plans to go visit old girl chums somewhere in the UK to maximise my rare child free off duty night and maximise the belly laughs but won’t as lockdown is for a reason.
Feel empty but not broken.
Need to stagger through the day at work tomorrow. Keep smiling so kids don’t know I’m sad.
On the bright side I've enjoyed so much of the past two months & although he's set an unbelievably high bench mark for future irons (oh god here come the tears now ffs) I guess the flip side of that is I know for definite what I really liked about him so screening people out who don't have those boxes ticked should be easier.
Fuck. How will I get over him? How will anyone else compare. I feel a bit doomed right now. Shit shit shit. I hate being dumped by someone & this ones going to be worse than all the others.

Help! 😕

@Ruralbliss sorry your iron is behaving so flakey. Completely understand there's nothing worse than the uncertainty. I don't have any constructive advice, it's horrible though. If you feel strong enough take the bull by the horns and tell him not to bother....or do nothing.

What are his reasons for flaking at the weekend?

@Ruralbliss what has happened? Has contact lessened off, is he being non committal about the weekend?

Thanks so much @bangheadhere40 that's exactly what it is. A high degree of flakiness and I don't like it one bit what with being the prize etc.

Reason for 'struggling to make Sat' not given. Hinting that it's something to do with kids. But rang ni answer and later texted to say 'let's spk on the phone' but it never happened.

I'm done. He's never made me feel great tbh but I thought we were a great match and the fantasising about where it could go accidentally happened. We appeared to be so similar in ways, likes, humour, intelligence, lifestyle blah blah.

Still as I've said all along better to have matched and enjoyed a lockdown romance than not.
Read a text to my BFF after Date#1 & it's said 'All I ask is to get to see his amazing house and bonk him' which I've done on 5 occasions so my wish came true and I'm grateful.

Yes @freelancedolly (and bless you for asking and caring it's appreciated) but worse than that with texts ignored, phone not answered and not rung back so no clarification given plus a general feeling last weekend as I drove away from his that is never see him again.
Didn't hear from him until several days later when I decided to get in touch and immediately got a text back so thought maybe gut was wrong. But it never is.
I can't stand the ambiguity and lack of contact and not feeling like he's massively into me sooooo.... I'm calling it done.

I feel sad but know I'm amongst friends here who have been in much longer heavier relationships when it ended so feel a bit pathetic for having any emotion at all.

But it's always sad when the hopes and dreams you can't help but form despite trying not to get deleted and another blank sheet lays before you.

It is always ALWAYS so galling. It's the lack of explanation that always just fucks me right off - WHAT has changed? Did you sense anything during the meet or just as you left? Ambiguity is the absolute big killer for me - it will drive me to the edge of insanity and just causes my neediness to increase exponentially, I just can't handle it and am better off out of it completely.

Did he make promises about there being any future? I think one of the things that is so hard is that there are about 989 absolute idiots for every half decent human on the apps, so when you get within grasping distance of someone who's capable of looking like a good bet, it's all the more tragic when it doesn't work out. I'm very guilty of forming hopes and dreams on the back of a very low number of dates with someone so you're not alone there.

Your feelings are completely valid rural. It's a form of grieving, isn't it, for what you let yourself believe might happen with him in the future. I really feel for you, it's so hard to put on a brave face for the world, when you just want to collapse and cry. No need to be brave on here 💐

And now that we're almost all in Tier 2 or 3, we can't even meet friends who can cheer us up, which is like being kicked when you're down.

Look after yourself ❤

Well done for taking the control in your own mind about it being done. That's what we all should do after flakiness.

It's still very upsetting though when something happens like this, almost worst in the early stages as there's the hope of what could be that's extinguished.

Someone said to me though if this is how they treat you early on when they should be on their best behaviour imagine how much worse it would get

Living upto my username I 'banged' on for far too long with an iron that wasn't interested in me fully...accepting scraps, not again.

ruralbliss Oh no.....I think it will take the sting out of things and make you feel a bit more badassed superheroine if you make the decision to officially end it, no? Rather than hanging on by your fingernails with that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach for another week or two...

Flaking on a single mum shortly in advance of their very very rare and precious time off should be a capital offence, in my opinion.

Flaking on a single mum, its just fecking galling. Be kind to yourself rural we all build some hope in the beginning. especially around the 'are they or aren't they interested' suitors. Intermittent reinforcement, most motivating behavioural strategy on the planet. Its hard to avoid. Also, as a mate of mine said once. The problem is you never got to the smelly socks/skid marks stage, so you never really got to see their shine fade. Order a takeout. Sit on your arse. And watch some good telly for a night

Also. You do....meet other people and move on. Unless the man had a dick of gold....there are other and better people for you out there.

Thanks guys.

Yes @freelancedolly that's spot on. I also get driven to insanity by ambiguity and flakiness & actually half ran this as a social experiment as was clear from the very beginning that text wasn't his thang and was clearly v busy during working day which was poles apart from previous all day long textual intercourse with irons who turned out to be mad and bad and sometimes sad. I wondered whether that was what normal looked like. Not for me. I'd like somewhere in the middle as like word play and being made to chuckle mid way through a conference call.

Yes a few things which happened/were said which my overkeen intuition noted immediately.

1. His mate was round when I got there (as he'd been the previous weekend which was the first time I'd met him after hearing a little him as always round). Mate said to me 'That's a nice dress. It really suits you'

I took the compliment graciously but immediately thought it was odd for one fella to say to another man's girl. I instantly thought 'Ah. I've been talked about. Mr VW has revealed he's not into me to friend.' GUT reaction.

1. After this greeting I sat a little way away and was never kissed hello or hugged/cuddled after mate politely left a few mins later.
2. Iron was fast asleep on sofa by 9.30pm so that was the end of the evening for him. At some point during the night we ended up having sex but then later he said something which I can't bear to write down but it was both odd and 😂😂 and made me wonder if he was autistic.
3. Didn't get much of a kiss/hug goodbye (but then I never did) and when he said 'Speak to you later' my gut said 'Yeah? I don't think so'

There we are. It's all pretty obvious when written down.

I'm sad because I liked hanging out with him and especially liked getting away to his place, getting wasted, dancing to great tunes, chatting about interesting stuff.
And I really fancied him. A lot.

Thanks @bangheadhere40 it's only by being on this thread that gave me the wisdom and strength to know that accepting scrapes in early days is the thin edge of wedge and we al deserve better or nothing actually than being eroded away by not great behaviour.

Love that @crackofdoom you've made me smile during a dark evening. You are so right.

Thing is I'm Done. He may not know it now but he will. I've walked away.

When this happens to me, I don't even give them the satisfaction of me dumping them. I just delete, block, move on mentally as fast as I can.

I tend to feel that giving the "how to dump" decision any headspace is more headspace than they deserve.

How rude of him to have a mate round when you're due there, and how uncouth to fall asleep on the sofa with you there!

Already struck a match and fired off messages with two people which is good.

I've just written a note to myself saying no reason not to have the exact same hedonistic night in without him here - can get wasted, dance to loud music, watch comedy then dust off the vibrator a previous iron kindly bought me for my birthday. Might call some girlfriends for their belly laughs.

Also worth noting I was actually quite anxious about him coming to mine due to cash difference

ALSO noted early on and for the duration he didn't ever ask a single question of me. Not one. Rude!
(But did remember all the stuff I'd mentioned in passing)

@VanGoghsDog that's is a tremendously good point re headspace and dumping decisions.

I've never been able to block anyone for some reason but won't have qualms about ignoring his messages if he ever sends any.

You are right about rudeness having a mate there not once but twice - first time o was a bit non-plussed as felt a bit of a diss but then felt slightly flattered as 'wanted mate to meet you' but the second time nah.

Sorry @VanGoghsDog just to clarify you would block and delete someone you'd had an 8 week romance with after flakiness was demonstrated rather than dump or ghost? That's a strong move but also potentially a bit hurtful and confusing to the recipient non?
Or do you wait until it's definitely all off then get blocking?
I'm intrigued!

@Ruralbliss

Sorry *@VanGoghsDog* just to clarify you would block and delete someone you'd had an 8 week romance with after flakiness was demonstrated rather than dump or ghost? That's a strong move but also potentially a bit hurtful and confusing to the recipient non? Or do you wait until it's definitely all off then get blocking? I'm intrigued!

I would block and delete someone who was fucking me around, yes.

Quite frankly, I don't care how long it's been, if they can't face up and own up to their actions they don't deserve anything from me.

I have an ex from over twenty years ago, who bounces back now and then. Declares how I was always The One, how terrible we broke up. Etc. I do like him, though he's hella flakey. Last time, few meet ups, he's all over me like a rash. Then suddenly cool, late for things, cancelling, forgetting. I literally blocked him on every device. Never told I was doing it. No idea if he tried to contact me - best not to know (though he knows my address so could turn up, or write, and he could probably still email in fact).

I'm just not having it.

But I can't really ascertain what has gone on with your chap. Except that I'm afraid he sounded a bit distant in the first place, from how you described him. You did seem to be justifying his low contact a bit too much.

And block and delete is the same as ghost in fact.

Ah @Ruralbliss that’s just shit. The way he treated you last time was so dismissive and kind of entitled too. You deserve so so much better.