Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

MrC hopefully back next week am excited but also need to check into my emotions and see how things go - it’s been a long time and there’s no guarantees

I’ll drop contact down a bit and let him do all the updating.

Planning my “welcome home” outfit to the last degree of course. I think I’ll go for the dress I wore on our second date

But maybe I should get one of these items of clothing to greet him with ...

@Bunkbedpeople I'm so glad Mr C's return is on the horizon. I was getting far too invested in this and I just want you guys to have a fabulous reunion now!

@TheCatWithTheHat you seem to have some lovely options coming up, so lockdown lifting is well timed - glad you're not too bothered about Miss Walker.

I am one of those people who can't host - ex still lives in the house and won't leave. The two men I've seen since we split have seemingly been quite happy to host me at their houses (and I always do the dishes!) but if I met someone for whom it was a dealbreaker, I'd be in trouble.

My main concern is getting over my recent BF who I now know left me for someone else. So I am even considering an FWB situation, which has never really appealed to me before. But I'm chatting to someone who is quite open about not wanting a relationship, and he's not really the kind of person I could see myself with long term, so maybe it would work. Don't know if I can separate sex and emotion though - haven't got a great track record. I don't fall in love with everyone I sleep with, but I do like there to be some sort of emotional connection, to stop it feeling transactional. Although I don't even know what's wrong with transactional, as long as both parties get what they want... I'm waffling because I'm on a desktop computer for a change and should be working.

Mainly I am going to focus on meeting with friends as soon as possible - I hope and think I will be in Tier 1 so should be able to socialise again, which my mental health needs.

So Mr Yoga will need to bubble up with his parents indefinitely because they are vulnerable and he wants to be able to see them at short notice and vice versa. He says he doesn't want to split up. I'm completely smitten. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want anyone else and neither does he.

@Eesha, how are you feeling about that prospect? It's so difficult to navigate isn't it and make sure everyone is safe and happy ? I think you have to sometimes judge the risks based on personal circumstances and not necessarily the hardline rules. How old or potentially vulnerable are his parents? Or is it a case of him feeling he needs to adhere to the guidelines ( as you have said linked to his autism ) ?

@Onesmallstep67 his parents are in their eighties, one deteriorating and recent events have meant my partner has seen first hand that they will need him. He's terrified of making them unwell so wants the flexibility to see them in an emergency and vice versa. I'm really sad about it as I've never felt we have had a good enough chance to make things work plus I have never felt as much for anyone before. I could easily go on the apps again but I don't want anyone else. He's trying to process the situation and says he doesn't want us to split up. Perhaps we will really have to do socially distanced walks, I really don't know.

@WeWantTheFinestWines, I have had various FWB over the last few years. I am not sure that with some of them it felt any different to if we were 'dating'. When I was on the apps or during breaks in my previous RS I just bumbled along and took whatever opportunities came my way, rather haphazardly and definitely with no structured plan for what I was looking for. I quite honestly enjoyed interacting with guys and having fairly regular sex. It did wonders for my self esteem. I think since my DH passed away it has given me a ' live for today' attitude. I am at heart someone who wants to be in a committed long term RS but while I was waiting for that to come along I very much embraced other scenarios.

@Eesha, I think you have to hang on in there and find a way through this. You are both keen for it to continue so there's absolutely no reason to give up on things. I guess the unknown for you is how his elderly parents will be going forward. Whether they would be suitable candidates for the vaccine or whether we all end up being vaccinated and tested regularly. No one knows. But in your position I would definitely be waiting and hoping. A great connection with a good person is not something to give up lightly.

@Eesha hang in there - things change so quickly and unpredictably these days. We may all be able to interact much more normally by spring or summer and it sounds like he's worth waiting for. Don't throw a good thing away!

@Onesmallstep67 I think I need to have that attitude - just grab whatever comes along and make the most of it. There is something about regular sex that makes you feel alive and desirable, which is a lovely feeling. And if it's not a proper relationship, you don't have to put up with bad sex or any other unacceptable behaviour - you can just walk away.

@Onesmallstep67 thank you. I will wait purely because I care for him so much. It just has felt so much that the world is against us (covid and other things) so what's the point at times.

@Eesha Might not be so long to wait as his parents will be first in line to be vaccinated.

@Eesha that sounds worth waiting for def

@TheCatWithTheHat I’d be careful there. I had my fingers burnt with exactly this situation earlier in the year despite going in with my eyes open. I’d try and get an idea of how things lie in terms of emotional availability before jumping in. Perhaps OK if you’re not the first guy she has dated since separation, less likely to be a rebound scenario. What do you mean that she’s doing all the things she couldn’t do before? Still slightly befuddled by it all. Bit disappointed mine hasn’t even sent me any breadcrumbs which is ridiculous I know.

@Eesha can’t he bubble up with you both, how extended is your bubble? Quite inconvenient at this point, but a big plus that he is sensible, has integrity and is able to play the long game. With the vaccine on the horizon there’s a good argument for not taking any unnecessary risks. And it might not actually be that long so agree deffo worth the wait.

All quiet on my front. I joined Hinge a couple of weeks ago which I quite like, had 5 chats ongoing at the beginning of the week but they all seem to have dis-engaged. Ho hum.

@DudefromThatLondon i have my family who are my support bubble but my kids are also in school. He has no one and only sees me even though technically we weren't meant to. He's just super cautious anyway and with his parents, he feels he needs to be this way and not see me for a bit. I know it's the right thing to do. It's just I had planned his birthday and felt a real sense of hope with him and now I feel we are back to square one if that. I'm going to just agree to either not see him or maybe suggest proper social distancing rather than holding hands/kissing as we walk.

@Eesha as you have a real, established connection I would definitely hold on and see how things pan out over the next two or three months. It's frustrating of course but the alternative (apps etc) is, I would have thought, not at all attractive to you or authentic for you. I would also encourage you to see him for walks etc, it's something to look forward to and helps keep the spark alive. I'm really sorry it's so difficult but it sounds like the relationship is worth fighting for. Just don't be a tragic heroine!

I echo completely what @Onesmallstep67 says about FWBs being a great 'live for today' element at certain points in your life (eg post bereavement or divorce, between RLs etc) or, indeed, permanently if you don't want to be tied to one person but enjoy dinner/sex/holidays with a nice, hot person. They weren't such a big thing when I was young, as far as I know, but society was very different then re attitudes to women. The big problems with FWBs of course is (a) 'catching the feels', (b) one side hoping for more, (c) the situation making you unavailable for a 'real' relationship and (d) not actually being friends first and foremost, so one or both parties treat each other with lack of kindness and respect. And they can grow into something more, taking the parties by surprise, but i still maintain this is a fluke and NOT something to expect, plan for, hope for etc.

@Eesha - i think I’d call it square 2. Knowing you like and can trust someone seems quite unusual in OLD [confused. But, if you’re kissing whilst you walk you may as well carry on as you were.

@TheCatWithTheHat I am like that woman. Not divorced yet, only separated 15 months or so but I know I’m emotionally available if the right person comes along. I want to meet someone and start a happy relationship after years of a shit one. So she might be wanting to do all of the things she didn’t before but those things could be very compatible with what you want.
Or she could be rebounding all over the place
Just wanted to give my perspective that someone with marital loose ends is not necessarily flaky. In my case I can’t legally start a divorce until 2 years post separation.

@DudefromThatLondon I'm going to let him lead the way with things because ultimately it's his family who will feel the impact of things.

@Ruralbliss I definitely feel like the tragic heroine but I don't want to be! But you're right, we have a connection and it's worth seeing how it goes. I also don't want to be a burden on him either when he has loads on his mind with his family.

@Mayzee - didn't mean all women who are just separated. Sorry if it came across like that, I'm a bit biased cos I got boinged I guess. I just meant be careful with a very recent separation (as in a few months / this year). There's absolutely no reason of course not to date someone who's moved on emotionally and is ready for a good relationship. I would for sure.

Mr Fix it just called off again, due to busy with work. I've just mentally shut it off now. Last night he didn't message until 7.30 and I said I guessed he was busy but I shouldn't have to. Then he was talking about where to walk tonight this morning so I thought he'd got the message. He just called off as busy at work again.

I'm not making another plan with him. It pisses me off. My time is precious. I don't want it wasted.

Knuckles cracked.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

I don’t think your living situation (which sounds tough, ) should or would prevent you from making connections

My issue with guys who don’t host is them then pushing to come over to mine (I’m happy doing frugal out dates if someone isn’t able to host ) as they “prefer nights in” so I’m thrust into the female mental load domestic role straight away.

It’s just a turn off for me and I feel its the first stage of cocklodger/cocklodger lite

Plus I date childless guys in their 20’s and 30’s who are in reasonably serious jobs so if someone is clearly saving up their pay and emotional energy for them and their boys nights outs - whilst looking to easily crash at a woman’s for a weekend it gets from me.

@Bunkbedpeople at the risk of sounding sexist I think it is probably different for women and men and I always help out/do dishes/offer to cook/bring shopping, etc when I am the guest. And I'm dating men in their 40s or 50s, who have children and know their way around a kitchen and a hoover. So far they've had their own house and tbh I can't see myself dating someone who doesn't have their own space, even if it's a small flat.

Sorry to hear that @cravingthelook that sucks!! Urgh

Mr Walk just text me first (about the pubs reopening lols) despite being the last to text on Tuesday night so I think that’s good? Mans perspective needed again (I know I’m hopeless)

@LongtimelurkerL - yes that all sounds good, he’s responding and definitely up for meeting again. Perhaps he’s more comfortable with a pub meet! (not sure why.... )

I'd love to ask MrCadet for a drink but the current and upcoming rules mean still no indoor socialising. Unless we sit outside. Or he's my bubble (he's not! He's bubbled with his sister and me with my mum). We already broke the rules by going to each others for a drink. I can't do it in public.
Mind you, I've not heard from him this week.

@LongtimelurkerL Now all the tiers are known, it makes sense to indulge in a bit of planning, that's likely what he was waiting for. Seize the day and set it up !

I won't be going near a pub for a while