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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

999 replies

Dancerinthemoonlight · 19/11/2020 12:27

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Eesha · 25/11/2020 11:30

I'm from the school of if they are interested, they will text and keep the communication lines open. In my experience, if you have to ask, then they aren't really bothered. I've saved myself lots of hassle in the past by deleting irons who didn't text me much etc and I had it in my profile that communication/regular contact was key. I don't need that anxiety in my life, if they like me then show me.

Onesmallstep67 · 25/11/2020 11:34

@LongtimelurkerL, he's agreed to the date and I doubt he would have done that if he truly wasn't interested. When is it penciled in for ? Have you met a few times already ?
@Tafelberg, usually in that scenario after the initial disappointment I feel a sense of relief that I can stop the waiting and wondering and get on with other things. It can sting a little though. I have been there many times.
Mr V and I are doing okay. He increasingly feels like a proper part of my life although it's taking a long time to get there. Something resonated from the thread the other day about needing a partner who is emotionally demonstrative - they worded it much better. But essentially I realise that I need someone who pays compliments or takes the initiative in saying how they feel. It reassures me that they are feeling it as much as I am. I also woke up alone this morning and sort of felt that sharing my bed with him usually just once a week was beginning to feel like too little. I am kind of tied to home at the moment ( aren't we all !) because my younger DD has been having a few MH issues and I don't particularly feel I should leave her here in order to see him in the evening for a couple of hours. (She's almost 16.) I guess like many of us I am filing re evaluate my RS under the 'to do' list for the new year. And I am grateful for his presence in my life during what has been a hugely difficult and different time for us all

HairyArsedMan · 25/11/2020 11:34

@LongtimelurkerL " but now i'm wondering/overthinking that maybe he's not that bothered and wouldn't have set up one if I hadn't asked......any advice?"

I think you're in a great position actually. You're asking him out, he's responding, you're meeting up. You don't want to chat to others on the apps and want to see where this goes. It's all in your power here to both initiate and enjoy the dates, and check him out to see whether he matches up to what you want.

Don't worry about whether or not he is totally into you right now (nor you him, actually)- he doesn't know enough about you after one date after a 15 year gap. Enjoy the process and keep your eyes open for him being a dick about your interest. If he's flattered and responsive I don't see that you have any need to pull back from him at all. This shit is hard for us guys too !

VanGoghsDog · 25/11/2020 11:40

This shit is hard for us guys too !

I tend to think it must be harder. Needing to take the lead a bit, makes you vulnerable, but the risk of being too heavy and coming over stalkerish.....quite a balancing act!

LongtimelurkerL · 25/11/2020 11:40

@Onesmallstep67 he replies very quickly and enthusiastically - he said that the day I suggested 'sounded perfect' - it's the 6th as we're both busy this weekend. We've had one date so far, the 5 hour walk around a park last weekend.

I think the lockdown has been very weird for everyone in a relationship too - you can't do normal things so you can't expect things to progress normally I guess?

Thanks @HairyArsedMan - that's sort of how I feel, if he stops responding at some point or the second date doesn't happen or is rubbish then i'll go from there - I can't mind read and so just have to see what happens.

Newuser991 · 25/11/2020 12:14

@VanGoghsDog

This shit is hard for us guys too !

I tend to think it must be harder. Needing to take the lead a bit, makes you vulnerable, but the risk of being too heavy and coming over stalkerish.....quite a balancing act!

A guy once said that to me too. They risk rejection all the time. They have to approach etc
Tafelberg · 25/11/2020 12:27

@LongtimelurkerL that’s exactly right! I hardly ever go on dates least of all with guys I actually see potential with, so that does make it even more disappointing when they don’t work out. And yes - we’ll all be here to help encourage text restraint if needs be, but it does sound relatively positive from what you’ve said so far.

@Eesha yes me too. I don’t really mind if there’s not loads and loads of communication, but I do think a guy initiating the contact is the best way to tell he’s interested early on at least.

@Onesmallstep67 exactly. I think it’s also thrown me as I like to think I can tell when there is chemistry on a date or not - and this one had me totally fooled. My pride’s well and truly been knocked Blush

@HairyArsedMan yeah can definitely see that it’s tough for guys as well. It’s an absolute minefield and I don’t envy you always being the ones expected to take the lead. @VanGoghsDog is right, it’s a balancing act and not one that’s easy to get right.

bangheadhere40 · 25/11/2020 12:54

Just nodding in agreement with the effort levels, I do now 100% agree it needs to be there. My previous gut instincts have always been correct that if you have to question if they are interested unfortunately they probably aren't ☹ I have definitely learnt the hard way.

I've just redone profiles on various sites....the same faces on quite a few.

Ruralbliss · 25/11/2020 13:57

@LongtimelurkerL did you walk around a park for 5 HOURS on your first date? Blimey.

For those who care I've made contact with Mr VW & he came back straight away so not ghosted.

Am now musing heavily on the 'Maybe he's on the autistic spectrum... 🤔' and potentially what I'm reading as uninterested or about to be binned could be him being fine and dandy with how things are (and possibly relieved that we've moved past the needing to be in contact via text phase).

My son and dad are both autistic so I have good insight into what this means. He's mentioned his kid is autistic too & I gather these things do run in families.

I plan to give him a call tomorrow evening to ascertain whether the idea of him coming to stay at my house has been binned or still on.

Either way I'm back to feeling ambivalent and easy going about the whole thing which is a good place to be.

LongtimelurkerL · 25/11/2020 14:20

@Ruralbliss yeah - only went home (as far as I can tell) because it got dark and we got cold! Maybe the reason he's busy this weekend is because he's got a load of dates? (Hopefully they all go badly so he can realise how great I am lols Wink

Yeah, i'm in ambivalence a bit now - I reckon i'll not text between now and maybe middle of next week unless he texts me. I know what everyone says about the whole if they're not keeping in contact etc etc but I do also know some people, male and female, who literally only text to arrange stuff. Who bloomin' knows. Hate dating

Ruralbliss · 25/11/2020 15:00

Goodness @LongtimelurkerL I think if you can chat for 5 hours that's got to be a good start.

I'm observing my emotions and reactions and how I can go from 'Shit shit shit I'm about to be binned/he's just not into me!' one day then wake up totally different and calm ambivalence que sera sera.

In one way I hope he does come to my gaff so I can be hostess for first time to him but on other hand fear that if I do get binned it'll be partly because my house is not as ridiculously amazing as his. Much less cash, loads more kids so kind of homely and in need of updating. Hey ho if someone doesn't like me because I've got crocheted blankets and worn out leather armchairs then they can go fuck themselves!

TiggerDatter · 25/11/2020 15:00

I'm glad to hear Mr VW is back in touch @Ruralbliss and you're feeling chilled again. I would say that even if he is relieved to have 'moved past the needing to be in contact via text phase' this doesn't mean you have to be accepting of that if it doesn't work for you. Also, I accept I'm pretty ignorant about the behaviour of people with autism, but surely they're not necessarily people without basic manners?

LongtimelurkerL · 25/11/2020 15:16

@Ruralbliss yeah we chatted about a huge range of stuff and there were no awkward moments - I'm also feeling that he might not realise how bad online dating is - this is his first foray into the world. Hopefully he'll have some shocking dates this weekend before our next one lols.

Yeah i'm like that too - some days completely fine and others all worried about every single move. I think it's quite normal. Agree with @TiggerDatter though I would like to think if I move onto that stage with anyone ever again (not holding my breath) then i'd be comfortable enough to text/call when I want to without feeling nervous about it

Ruralbliss · 25/11/2020 15:33

Thanks @TiggerDatter @LongtimelurkerL agreed.

Pretty sure he isn't not my long time special someone but ok as a lockdown weekends winter warmer FWB until such time as one of us decides we want out.
Could be him as my gut was spot on thinking 'I don't think I'll hear from him' as I drove away OR could be me when I have had enough of not having cerebral textual comms.

An iron I turned down at the same time I started messaging MrVW texted me pray which was nice. We got on great but he didn't live on his own and I have 99% house occupied by kids so I decided not to meet. Plus there was something a bit off but I couldn't put my finger on. Arrogant I think.

Jonsnowsghost · 25/11/2020 16:10

Clearly from my earlier posts I'm like that too! It's so hard to know what to do and learn about everyone's individual preferences with texting/calling/keeping in touch etc. It's a minefield!

I'm back to ambivalence today, mainly because he called me twice, is coming over later and told me he fancied me on one of the calls so I think I'm hopefully not getting dumped soon 😅

30somethingandstillsingle · 25/11/2020 16:13

My date with Mr Spark has jumped forward to this evening, I'm quite nervous now but just going to have a nice time and see how I feel rather than overthinking things.

Eesha · 25/11/2020 16:21

@Ruralbliss My partner has autism and would not be aware as much about social niceties but he makes an active point with eye contact plus says to me that he cannot read between lines. I tend to be very straight with him, no assumptions about anything and I've even been known to bullet point how I'm feeling so there is no ambiguity. It seems to work really well for us. He also likes his alone time to sort out his stuff so some weekends would be off limits. I find with autistic people, you need to be very straight talking.

Newuser991 · 25/11/2020 17:07

All of this talk about autism is interesting.

My iron says that his dad likely has aspergers or something and his sister is likely on the spectrum.

In that case he might be.

TheCatWithTheHat · 25/11/2020 17:16

@VanGoghsDog interesting point, and yes - we worry about that too. One one hand, we're meant to lead the way, however on the other hand, we're told to play it cool and that if you're too available you're no longer attractive. Hence I suppose why there are all these daft rules about not replying for x hours/days.

Personally, I hate all these games, but I have been told a couple of times that I'm rather keen. But I suppose these games do work though, as if someone (woman or guy) is slow to respond, the other person becomes anxious waiting, and feels joy or relief when they hear back. My view though is that if you need to play these games, it's not going to work.

Saying that, I have friends who sometimes take days to reply to messages so I appreciate that not everyone has the same communication style as me.

If someone likes you, then things are just easy and you don't even think about it. You don't need to worry about being seen as keen if you reply after 1 minute, and you don't need to worry about being seen as distant if you can't reply for 12 hours. You just know if someone is interested in you - by the things they say, as well as how quickly they reply. Similar to @bangheadhere40 I've found if I have to question whether they are interested - it usually means they aren't.

As for wanting to meet after a date - I've been on dates where I've just felt there's been no chemistry either way, so quite often those ended in mutual ghosting. I've also been on dates where I thought we got on well, both said we'd like to meet up - then when I've sent a follow up message to arrange a second date they just been ignored. So now, if I don't feel a spark I'll send a short "lovely to meet, but no spark" type message. If I like someone, I'll tell them at the end of the date that I've had a good time, would like to meet up again but will leave it for them to let me know if they feel the same - so there's no pressure to turn me down to my face Grin

@Newuser991 I agree with the other posters who think he's looking for a casual fling.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 25/11/2020 17:23

What a brilliant approach cat. I'd like to meet again, I'll leave it up to you to get in touch. Everybody knows where they stand. So simple, yet bordering on genius.

VanGoghsDog · 25/11/2020 17:29

Agree I'd prefer that, I hate being put on the spot at the end of a date.

It's all a bit silly really. But I am wary of being too available, too obvious.

bangheadhere40 · 25/11/2020 17:33

Yes...good approach cat. Polite but not overbearing is the way to go! I do prefer if the man makes it clear if he would like to see me again though, at least at first.

I tend to reply quite quickly to messages, I normally have my phone on me though.

I agree it should just be easy, and if you are overthinking, anxious etc something is wrong.

HairyArsedMan · 25/11/2020 17:47

@VanGoghsDog

This shit is hard for us guys too !

I tend to think it must be harder. Needing to take the lead a bit, makes you vulnerable, but the risk of being too heavy and coming over stalkerish.....quite a balancing act!

I don't have any problem doing the asking but maybe that is a problem in itself in that I've done it too soon before now. I've noticed introducing that element makes the conversation stutter sometimes or even leads to being unmatched or a date agreed and then cancelled. So from this perspective @LongtimelurkerL reciprocated interest and follow through all seems good to me.
Ruralbliss · 25/11/2020 18:10

@Eesha I nearly asked him last weekend 'Have you ever wondered if you might be autistic...?' but then thought it might be a bit rude coming from someone he's only met 7 times

LongtimelurkerL · 25/11/2020 18:32

Thanks @HairyArsedMan I’m still going with the fact that me asking gives the other person the out! I literally said ‘don’t know how you feel about a pub date’ - so he could have said no?? Maybe??