Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hi all can I join ?

I have talking to a nice man for a few days and we are planning to meet for the first date after lockdown. So far he ticks all the important "boxes" and I am very excited. Haven't liked anyone this much in years, obviously it's very early days . Help me with first date tips please .

Thank you

Welcome @Tafelberg and @lovellost

@lovellost
I’d say everyone has their personal first meet style depending on their usual social style?

Some rough ideas that might be helpful...

• dress flattering and comfortable but not too overdressed - have an idea of some outfits in advance so you’re not getting ready last minute. EG winter dating I normally go for flat knee high boots, some dark fitted dress.

• basics - venue/transport/know how you can get home safely/pay for taxi if needed/don’t get too drunk and be unsafe

• don’t forget, it’s both of you sussing each other out not just you trying to impress him and make things run smoothly. So be optimistic and open minded by all means but don’t overfunction or try to impress too much.

• Be aware of your comfort levels and boundaries regarding physical intimacy and when it occurs

have fun and report back

Thanks @Bunkbedpeople - such a supportive thread!

Thank you @Bunkbedpeople

Hello folks! Slightly nervous about posting this, in case I get told off, but this weekend I had Mr BigCityBoy and Mr Double Decker over on subsequent nights . No excuses or justifications, I just wanted to, and seem to have completely run out of public spirited responsibility.

It has become obvious to me that I'm uncomfortably smitten with Mr BigCityBoy, whose opening position is that he doesn't want a relationship, and that Mr Double Decker has become uncomfortably smitten with me (he is too mad/ sad to consider a relationship with. We went for a walk on Sunday, and it just turned into a massive counselling session. Plus, he's worried about Covid vaccines "because they will get into the water supply" ). (For anyone who doesn't remember, these are both FWBs I met through Fab).

Mr BigCityBoy is going back to his home country in a few weeks, so I think I'll be OK suggesting a sleepover for the weekend after next, knowing I'll have a couple of months while he's away to let my ardour cool and force myself to try and meet other people.

I'm happy to meet Mr Double Decker every now and again for filthy sex, but will try not to initiate conversations with him, to give him space to cool off, if he wants...

Aaaargh, sometimes I think I should go back on the conventional dating apps, but I have the feeling I am neither more or less likely to meet a long term partner on them than via Fab, and this way I get more sex - and it's all a lot more open and honest, which is good for my head.

We've arranged a socially distanced date this weekend, and I'm not sure if this is now a date or a fab social! It seems to have muddied the waters a little bit, though he is being thoroughly lovely and not making too many sexual innuendos.. Seriously tricky 30something! .There seem to be two completely different sets of etiquette for the two! People are "allowed" to say things on a Fab social that would definitely land them on the discard pile if said on a Tinder date! Maybe ask him how he'd like to play it?!

I'm just musing.....

....we say if a guy is interested he'll keep in touch. Why does this apply to guys but not to girls? Aren't guys sitting there wondering why we've not been touch? Why do men have to do the date follow up and not women?

After coffee with MrCadet (guy from my walking group) at his flat last weekend but one, I texted to say thank you for the tea and cake. He came to mine this weekend, and to be fair, he'd got tied up with some online course he had to do that overran, but he still came and we just had a shorter walk and tea, he brought me a box of chocolates, but he didn't send a "thank you for having me" text - to be that's nothing to do with dating, that's just normal manners. But he has the manners to bring chocolates.....

Anyway - I know men and women do dating differently, but wondering how much is because we are different, how much is outdated norms aka sexism? I like to be an equal in my relationship so I'm not looking for someone who conforms to all that chivalrous crap.

Just an update - everything is fine
Asked why he dropped off contact so much and he just said he's not really a "phone" person (which he told me from the start to be fair) so it's just a natural drop off as he doesn't feel like he has to be in touch all the time, which is fine by me, if I'd actually known that was the case!! But I know now so I'm ok.
Really really need to get my anxiety in check but my last break up really badly affected me but I'm trying very hard to let all those negatives go!
He's coming to mine tomorrow too as we can't seem to keep our hands off each other after only 5 days apart 😅

@VanGoghsDog I think those are interesting and valid musings. Generalisations, stereotypes and sexism are rubbish, obviously, but even as a feminist etc I would have to concede that men in general are more single minded and less reflective than women, so when a man decides he wants someone he goes all out to secure it/her. If you are that woman you are left in no doubt whatsoever. The advice to women not to chase is tapping into that: chasing won’t make him make that decision, it’s something in him that does it. It makes it both simpler for women (just sit around and wait to inspire that weird devotion) and, of course, incredibly annoying and frustrating for us.

I’m not saying it’s a good thing and I’m also not saying that, once he secures her, he won’t get bored and move on to the next. But I am saying that if a man seems half-hearted at the start, it’s not going to get better.

@VanGoghsDog I regularly have these same thoughts and don’t know the answers, but I agree with what @TiggerDatter says. My date from Sunday could be the exception to the (general) rule and be waiting for me to text him, but experience tells me that even when I haven’t felt a date has particularly gone that well or I haven’t felt a connection, I’ve heard from the guy afterwards without having to initiate it myself if he was interested. That sounds more big-headed than I mean it to - but what I’m really trying to say is that I don’t know of many, if any, examples where the guy has been keen for another date but has sat back and waited for the woman to get in contact/been too shy to ask for another date/assumed she wasn’t interested herself so not bothered.

Interesting discussion - and @VanGoghsDog this is something I've thought a lot about over the years.

I spent a long time specifically NOT sitting back, and justifying a lot of behaviour - such as having ONS - as a feminist stance: "why CAN'T I behave like this?" whereas now I've realised that it's not about me bucking societal expectations but about asking myself what makes me feel good about myself and reduces the anxiety. ONS and excessively making contact in order to soothe my feelings of insecurity don't work for me. It's as simple as that.

I'd agree with @Tafelberg that it's rare to find a man who is shy about making his feelings known. In general I experience that 'revealing your hand' about how you feel about each other is a subtle dance of signals, and it doesn't take much of an edge forward by one person to prompt reciprocation by the other - if both are interested.

I think in terms of male/female behaviour, like many other things these tendencies sit on a bell curve, with of course it being possible that 'some men' behave differently along with 'some women'. But slap bang in the centre of that bell curve IMO is the behaviour that men like to be 'slightly more in the driving seat' of initiating contact and that being in that 'slightly more' position makes them feel good about the relationship, whereas if that position is reversed it makes them a bit more doubtful. I know that for me, the man initiating contact more MASSIVELY reduces my anxiety - but I recognise that this is partly because I have insecure attachment in relationships and so am quite triggered by ambivalence or uncertainty. This won't be true for all women of course and is nothing to do with sexist norms.

@crackofdoom

Hello folks! Slightly nervous about posting this, in case I get told off, but this weekend I had Mr BigCityBoy and Mr Double Decker over on subsequent nights . No excuses or justifications, I just wanted to, and seem to have completely run out of public spirited responsibility.

It has become obvious to me that I'm uncomfortably smitten with Mr BigCityBoy, whose opening position is that he doesn't want a relationship, and that Mr Double Decker has become uncomfortably smitten with me (he is too mad/ sad to consider a relationship with. We went for a walk on Sunday, and it just turned into a massive counselling session. Plus, he's worried about Covid vaccines "because they will get into the water supply" ). (For anyone who doesn't remember, these are both FWBs I met through Fab).

Mr BigCityBoy is going back to his home country in a few weeks, so I think I'll be OK suggesting a sleepover for the weekend after next, knowing I'll have a couple of months while he's away to let my ardour cool and force myself to try and meet other people.

I'm happy to meet Mr Double Decker every now and again for filthy sex, but will try not to initiate conversations with him, to give him space to cool off, if he wants...

Aaaargh, sometimes I think I should go back on the conventional dating apps, but I have the feeling I am neither more or less likely to meet a long term partner on them than via Fab, and this way I get more sex - and it's all a lot more open and honest, which is good for my head.

We've arranged a socially distanced date this weekend, and I'm not sure if this is now a date or a fab social! It seems to have muddied the waters a little bit, though he is being thoroughly lovely and not making too many sexual innuendos.. Seriously tricky 30something! .There seem to be two completely different sets of etiquette for the two! People are "allowed" to say things on a Fab social that would definitely land them on the discard pile if said on a Tinder date! Maybe ask him how he'd like to play it?!

Thank you, yes it's strange territory. He says that to him it's a date date and not a fab date, but then in the next breath he's making sexual innuendos, which I don't mind but then my boundaries between the two are blurred. He's also suggested that we change our walk plans to a walk and then to his for a "movie" seeing as everywhere is closed. He promised it wasn't a plan to get in my knickers but I wasn't born yesterday. I wonder if I should just do that, shag him and see what happens at least then I will know...

Analyse this message for me please:

Nice guy on tinder: articulate, polite, etc.

Says

"Yes, not looking for anything really serious right now, making friends or a little bit more"

The little bit more is shagging right?

@freelancedolly I struggle a lot with this as I have previously found myself in bad relationships and they all started with loads of texts. Now I seem to be the one driving things - I just want the middle ground really - both people texting and replying.
Current guy is confusing me because very quick to reply and chatty but I'm not sure he's started a convo yet. Guess i'll just leave it now and see what happens - would that be everyone's advice? Date is set for weekend of the 5th/6th so leave it until say the 4th to check he's still on for it?

@Newuser991 that's how I would read it. That he is looking for either casual sex or a fwb

@30somethingandstillsingle

I wonder if I should just do that, shag him and see what happens blush at least then I will know...

Know what?

I wouldn't do it. I'm eternally grateful for the fact that I have not actually slept with my long term pen pal (depressed problems) iron.

On the one hand it shows he is a bit decent. He could have walked in and out of my life sleeping with me or done that and led me on. He never did. He said he wanted to sort himself out first before getting involved.

Thing is if I had slept with him I would probably have developed even deeper feelings for him and I would have been completely fucked.

@Newuser991 - i'd say yes - hopeful for a bit of a shag

[quote Dancerinthemoonlight]@Newuser991 that's how I would read it. That he is looking for either casual sex or a fwb[/quote]
Yes!

Well I'm happy to make new friends. In lockdown it is nice to have people to talk to.

I have no interest in a FWB though

@Newuser991 know whether he just wants casual sex or more, rather than wasting time dating someone who I then realise only wants a fwb type thing. At least if we have sex soon then I will find out if we are compatible.
I'm on fab and have 2 FWB's so don't associate sex with feelings easily.

@LongtimelurkerL yes it's definitely a struggle a lot of the time, except when it isn't... it isn't for me right now, with current iron, and I'm trying to examine why that is and what's different about it. Every now and then I find myself thinking grr I'm feeling a bit ignored - for some reason right now I am then able to leave it and not initiate contact and every single time, it's not a big deal because very shortly Mr R makes contact and I am then really glad I didn't contact him, because I would have been doing so out of a slight sense of neediness, whilst pretending to be nonchalant. Where it becomes difficult in a situation is where you have that sense of being ignored, and then a REALLY long time passes and you find yourself getting more and more angsty about what it means. It then becomes even harder to feign nonchalance if you make contact and if you do and they respond, you are temporarily relieved of the angst but often left with the niggling worry that they might never have contacted you again, unless they've gone on to be massively demonstrative in response.

It's all such a ludicrous dance. I really do think that for me the answer is to never make contact if I'm feeling anxious.

That makes a lot of sense @freelancedolly I guess I just hate the game - i've basically gone for well I can't know what he's actually thinking/doing - all I can do is 'do me' and text when/if I want (within reason obv) and then see what happens. I have other people i'm chatting to on the apps it's just I don't really want to meet up with any of them - will try and schedule some other dates for that weekend too in an effort to distract myself

I just suck at the 'early dating dance'

@freelancedolly “ludicrous dance” sums it up perfectly. I hate it, and it’s one of the reasons I rarely date these days. I just don’t need that kind of uncertainty and self-doubt in my life. I do know it’s not as easy as that for many people, though - I don’t have a particular desire to be in a relationship and don’t want kids (I’m 39) so it’s easier for me to leave the dating scene alone than if those things weren’t the case.

All that said, I’ve taken one for the MN daters team and have sent my date from Sunday a message. Just said “hey, hope your week’s going ok. Just wanted to say, let me know if you fancy meeting up again sometime - I promise I won’t take offence if not though :)”

Sent it just before 10am, he read it a short term after and so far no reply (although this is typical of his usual pattern when at work). I’m fully prepared for a gentle/not so gently let-down or blatant silence, in either case I will be happy to then delete everything and block and move on. Will report back here with any findings!

...and there we have it. He’s replied very nicely saying he had a lovely afternoon but that the spark wasn’t there for him. That’s enough proof for me now of the whole “if he’s interested, he’ll text” theory I think. Shame I really am surprised I got it so completely wrong, but c’est la vie I guess.

@Tafelberg sorry if you feel bad but i'd still be glad I sent it and got a response. Now you can move on whereas if you hadn't text and he hadn't you'd be left wondering for the rest of the week....?

I don't really know what my guy is doing in this ilk - I text on Monday and said thanks, he replied and then I sent a similar text to you @tafelberg yesterday, he replied and said a date sounds lovely and we've set a date (then chatted all eve) - but now i'm wondering/overthinking that maybe he's not that bothered and wouldn't have set up one if I hadn't asked......any advice?

@LongtimelurkerL yeah, it probably is better to know than always wonder but it feels quite shit. I’m just telling myself that you can’t possibly be right for everyone and that it’s just a case of us not fitting rather than there being anything wrong with me...it’s just a bit of a self-esteem knock I suppose, I’ll get over it eventually.

As for your guy, has he initiated the other dates you’ve been on before? I think if so then it’s fine to be the one doing it now and again - if this one goes well, you’ll be better able to evaluate things and can sit back again and let him re-take the lead, perhaps.

@Tafelberg oh it def feels horrid but def is a case of you can't be right for everyone. Downside of being picky about who you go on dates with IMO though - you want them to go well.

This is only a second date, I initiated the last one as well - reading it back makes me sound crazy lols. But yeah I reckon if this one goes well i'll just try (you lot will have to help me) to not text afterwards and let him text me first (or not!)