‘You’re never allowed to leave me.’

[Paintedunicorn]

I just wanted opinions on whether or not it was normal to say the above to someone.
I’ve been married 16 years - actually I would quite like to have left at several times during that period but I don’t feel capable of doing so.
Dh has always said ‘you’re never allowed to leave me’ ‘promise on the dc lives you won’t keave me’ ‘you’ve got to stay with me forever.’ Puts his arms round me and says ‘this is the ring of steel.’

I know there’s no such thing as ‘allowed’ to leave someone but it makes me feel uncomfortable nevertheless.

That sent shivers down my spine reading that.

Doesn't sound great to me. Is he controlling in general? Insecure?

Is he abusive in others ways? What’s stopping you from leaving?

If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then it’s wrong. Emotional blackmail. You do not have to stay with him forever.

That’s very worrying 💐

It’s simply controlling. He probably knows that you want to leave and is trying to prevent that by by being menacing.

What’s stopping you from leaving.

I think maybe insecure?
He can be controlling sometimes in other ways but it’s not all the time. It’s the very odd occasion here and there.
The dc and money and just a general fear of the unknown stops me from leaving. Mainly the dc and the fear.

Woah that is well creepy!!! Trust yourself, you feel uncomfortable about this. Because it’s bloody creepy and manipulative.

He really wants a partner who is with him because he’s controlling her and dictating what she’s permitted to do, rather than she actually wants to be of her own free will? This mindset screeches that it’s all about him and his wants and needs, he’s not actually concerned about how you feel, what you want.

If you told him he makes you feel uncomfortable, what do you think he would say or do?

Ugh. No, not normal at all. What else makes you want to leave, and what's stopping you?

He doesn’t need to be controlling all the time, just enough so that you modify your behaviour.

What do you fear?

Why do you want to leave? That will give people a better idea of the situation. To be clear, wanting to leave is a good enough reason for leaving. The seriousness of what he's saying would be clarified by his other behaviour.

Awful.. he is a prison warden

I’ve never been very happy.
He’s not really controlling. I’ve always been able to see my friends. I’m not allowed to stop over a night or go away for a night but then I’ve 2dc.
He says that I’m not allowed to speak to other men and he might make comments that I’m not to wear something out without him but I’m never sure if it’s a joke or not.
I was once with him and the dc in a restaurant and as I walked past a man smiled at me, also with his family so think just friendly? And I smiled back without thinking and dh wasn’t very happy about that. I mean he didn’t shout or anything but I could feel him bristling and then he was going on about it.

That's a long list of things he says you're not allowed today. I'd say that was pretty controlling....... Do you have a list of things he's not allowed to do.......?

Ugh. You are very much allowed to leave him.

My ex didn't believe in divorce. The wanker has been divorced twice, now.

I wouldn't tolerate anyone I'm in a relationship telling me what I'm allowed to do or not. I do as I please. We might discuss it, but ultimately I don't seek his permission, I make my own decisions. If my DH said what you said in the first post I'd tell him to fuck off, I wouldn't reassure him. He sounds very controlling and you sound very controlled. This is not normal behaviour.

Read your post back. You just claimed he isn’t really controlling and then listed a bunch of things he is controlling about. None of that behaviour is normal, if you’re looking for reassurance, you’re not going mad, this is not ok. Sorry

I’m sure more knowledgable MNers will add some links and things soon to resources that can help you understand the situation and work out what you want to do.

Yup. That's controlling. Is he coercive elsewhere?

*to do...... not today

He's not controlling but...

Wow he really is very controlling. Read up on coercive control. It's abuse and is illegal.

Is he 'allowed' out over night to or to go on a short break. Is he 'allowed' to smile at other people. Is he 'allowed' to wear the clothes he chooses?

Sounds very controlling and you are scared to do stuff and live with in fear. None of this is how a normal relationship should be. I mean who is he to say you can’t stay over? I have children and I can go where I please and with whom I chose and I can smile at men....

The update is worse tbh that's a worrying pattern of behaviour.

Has he had trauma in his past? Treated bad my by parents or an ex?

His behaviour is absolutely wrong and I would not condone it at all but it’s not necessarily dangerous and could potentially be worked on if he recognises his problems and wants to work on it and you want to stay in this relationship.

Sometimes (In majority of cases) a partner is using this behaviour and it’s abusive more rarely the person displaying this behaviour has suffered emotional trauma and is not in control of this type of behaviour and with the correct help and support can overcome it but it takes both parties and you would have to really want to be in the relationship.

CBT and counselling as a couple plus a huge effort on the affected persons part to change their behaviour and a big commitment from the partner to work with them, support and reassure. It’s a lot to ask you would need to be 100%

Do you have family that you are close to ?
Do you own your home ? If so, is your name on the deeds ?
Do you work ?
Do either of you have a private pension ?
Do you have a joint account ? Do either of you have your own accounts ?