‘You’re never allowed to leave me.’

[Paintedunicorn]

I just wanted opinions on whether or not it was normal to say the above to someone.
I’ve been married 16 years - actually I would quite like to have left at several times during that period but I don’t feel capable of doing so.
Dh has always said ‘you’re never allowed to leave me’ ‘promise on the dc lives you won’t keave me’ ‘you’ve got to stay with me forever.’ Puts his arms round me and says ‘this is the ring of steel.’

I know there’s no such thing as ‘allowed’ to leave someone but it makes me feel uncomfortable nevertheless.

[CodenameVillanelle]

@TensAndUnits

It’s not armchair psychology it’s a situation o have first hand experience of and if you bothered to read my post properly you will see I said more than once how she has no obligation. That if she chose to take this path she should 100% want to stay in the relationship

It is literally armchair psychology and it's really dangerous.

[Billben]

Oh my Lord OP, he really is bad news 😥

[MyOwnSummer]

I think you know what this is deep down, OP. You wouldn't have posted if you were sure this was normal - it isn't. It is very sinister.

This book might help you, it is a free PDF but for godsake don't let on that you are reading it or leave the tab open on your phone.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

[BertiesLanding]

Those aren't the words of a grown man; they're the words of a scared little boy. He is not an adult.

[TensAndUnits]

It is a situation I have first hand experience of. I am only telling OP a different view/opinion and I clearly said it is something that can be explored not all people are controlling and evil sometimes (rarely I accept) it comes from a place of trauma. Obviously in the majority of cases it is abuse but I was offering a different perspective and made it clear this is something OP would need t judge and also whether she wants to be in the relationship

[ChronicallyCurious]

My emotionally abusive and controlling ex boyfriend used to say this to me all the time. We’d just be sat there watching TV and he’d be like ‘please never leave me, promise me’. His behaviour escalated though and soon I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without him, he’d start crying when I was meeting my friends ‘because he loved me too much’ and he controlled what I wore.

I didn’t even realise I was being abused until I left him.

[LemonBreeland]

You list a lot of things you aren't allowed to do. And you even justify them. Not allowed to spend the night away as you have two kids. I have kids and will spend the night away if I want to.

I will also say that in my marriage there is nothing that I am told by my husband that I'm not allowed to do. That is what normal looks like.

You say that money and the kids is what stops you leaving. Staying for the kids is always the wrong thing to do. They deserve happy parents, and will be much better off if you are not in an awful relationship,

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@TensAndUnits

It is a situation I have first hand experience of. I am only telling OP a different view/opinion and I clearly said it is something that can be explored not all people are controlling and evil sometimes (rarely I accept) it comes from a place of trauma. Obviously in the majority of cases it is abuse but I was offering a different perspective and made it clear this is something OP would need t judge and also whether she wants to be in the relationship

It is unfair to suggest a victim focuses on why an abusive partner is abusive. If someone had a terrible childhood trauma that means they are more likely to be abusive and are being abusive, that doesn't mean their abusive behaviour should be tolerated or accepted more than someone who had no childhood trauma. It is not a woman's responsibility to mitigate the behaviour or, or fix, a man. Ever.

[TensAndUnits]

You say as well OP you’ve wanted to leave him before now multiple times so clearly the relationship has other issues.
My advice was based very much on this thread alone and there is clearly a lot more to it it was just my personal opinion after being in a situation of coercive control/severe jealousy/threats etc and how it was one of the rare cases with a trauma cause and abandonment fears which was intensively worked on for years.

I fully accept that the vast majority of cases where what you have described OP are abusive and unsalvageable relationships but I wanted to offer a different perspective in case it applies to your situation

[SoulofanAggron]

Brrrrrr. Beyond creepy. Please separate fom him.

[Chickychickydodah]

He might be very insecure himself?
If he is controlling then this is a matter you need to think about.

[dworky]

He's telling you that he believes he owns you, that you're merely an appendage of him & his needs rather than a person in your own right with separate needs. Hope you're listening.

[TragedyHands]

He is controlling. There is nothing that you "shouldn't be allowed" You are a grown up, not a child and he isn't your father, boss, keeper.
Leave for goodness sake, it can't be good for the kids.
It sounds like you have become accustomed to his control, that doesn't make it right.
Please leave asap.

[PandemicImpact]

Totally abusive and controlling. It has been going on for so long you can't even see it.

Its not okay to be scared of your partner.

Womens aid can help - so could the freedom project (Google it).

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I agree. I was controlled in a far more blatant way but it's never been recognised, sadly. When I reported to Cafcass that I used to sometimes go to see my parents to have ten minutes to myself (and escape he abuse) it was said that I was...and I quote..."Using my marriage for my own gain." By leaving my childen with their dad for a very short period of time!

[Haffiana]

@TensAndUnits

You say as well OP you’ve wanted to leave him before now multiple times so clearly the relationship has other issues.
My advice was based very much on this thread alone and there is clearly a lot more to it it was just my personal opinion after being in a situation of coercive control/severe jealousy/threats etc and how it was one of the rare cases with a trauma cause and abandonment fears which was intensively worked on for years.

I fully accept that the vast majority of cases where what you have described OP are abusive and unsalvageable relationships but I wanted to offer a different perspective in case it applies to your situation

Did you have therapy to uncover why you were attracted to someone who treated you badly? Why you were so determined to 'save' him? Why you wanted to act as his nurse, analyst and rescuer? Why you felt 'love' when a normal woman would feel danger and revulsion?

[Wolfiefan]

You’re not allowed to stay overnight?
You’re not allowed to look at or talk to a man.
You can’t wear certain clothes?
What would it be like with a man who WAS controlling?
And the ring of steel thing? Threatening.
This is not normal behaviour.

[Yohoheaveho]

Sounds like gollum and his 'precious' 😟

[MrsMoastyToasty]

The word "allowed" says it all.

You are an adult.
You are allowed to do whatever you want.

[Badwill]

You say he's not controlling and then go on to give a list of things you're not allowed to do OP do you know what controlling is? Look back over your list again. That's control. "Not allowed" shouldn't figure in any normal relationship. Of course you can stay over night somewhere - you're an adult it's up to you not your husband. Leave the weirdo.

[user1492809438]

If either partner uses the word 'allowed', that to me screams controlling.

[pictish]

My response would have been, “I’m allowed to do whatever the fuck I like as it goes... and if I decide to leave, I will.”

That would put the wind right up him but so what? You’re never allowed to leave? Fuck off yes I am.

[AdelaideK]

Yea he is really controlling.

Is there stuff he's not "allowed" to do too or is it all one way? I'm sure I know the answer.

[3rdNamechange]

@pictish

My response would have been, “I’m allowed to do whatever the fuck I like as it goes... and if I decide to leave, I will.”

That would put the wind right up him but so what? You’re never allowed to leave? Fuck off yes I am.

Brilliant response. Then say bye

[rainywindows]

Wow that would frighten me if someone did that to me