‘You’re never allowed to leave me.’

[Paintedunicorn]

I just wanted opinions on whether or not it was normal to say the above to someone.
I’ve been married 16 years - actually I would quite like to have left at several times during that period but I don’t feel capable of doing so.
Dh has always said ‘you’re never allowed to leave me’ ‘promise on the dc lives you won’t keave me’ ‘you’ve got to stay with me forever.’ Puts his arms round me and says ‘this is the ring of steel.’

I know there’s no such thing as ‘allowed’ to leave someone but it makes me feel uncomfortable nevertheless.

[corythatwas]

This is very, very worrying. "Not allowed" implies a threat of sanctions. If you do decide to leave him (and I really think you need to), make sure you take all precautions to be safe. There are posters who can advise you on that better than I can.

And no, none of the things you mention are normal: they are part of an abusive, controlling relationship.

I had two dc too: I was perfectly able to stay away overnight: if I needed or wanted to go somewhere, dh would look after the children, just like I did for him. We were a team. That is normal and healthy, not what you describe.

[Bluesheep8]

That "ring of steel" comment made me shudder. Also you use the word 'allowed' repeatedly in your update. Huge alarm bells op.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is controlling you and therefore is abusive. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do not continue to further teach your DC such damaging lessons on relationships; they are after all learning from you two here. Would you want their partners to say this to them too, no you would not. Staying for the DC as well never works either.

[frozendaisy]

You are "allowed", if you want to.

Regardless of what he says.

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I left a controlling narcissist. Being totally honest I regret it. My life has been made a living hell.

[NewYearHere20]

Your initial post set my hairs on end TBH. My ex had similar tendencies and although he wasn't obviously controlling he was subtly coercive and emotionally controlling.
It sounds like you may be living in F.O.G (Fear,Obligation.Guilt) Trust me if you start really looking at his behaviours you will see how he behaves clearly and unfortunately once you've seen it - you can't un-see it.
Think very carefully about how you're living your life and if its acceptable to you. A good friend of mine gave me the analogy of " If your daughter was living in a relationship like this - would you be happy for her?" That may help bring some perspective. Good Luck

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is threatening behaviour from him and he also remains volatile.

There is nothing to be worked on here in your relationship, its over because of the coercive control. Do not ever undergo joint counselling for him; such is never advised where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. He feels absolutely entitled to treat you like he is, he really does feel he is doing nothing wrong here.

[Hailtomyteeth]

Dear God. Sounds like he will try to kill you if you try to escape.

Very carefully and quietly make your plans to go. Talk to Women's Aid. Have this thread deleted.

Do not tell him you are planning to go.

I speak as a woman who has been pinned to the floor with her husbands hands fastened tightly round her neck, trying to kill her. Don't find yourself there.

[PumpkinCheater]

OP, he is definitely controlling. Please take time to consider your situation and your options.

[TotoroPotoro]

I've been in a relationship like you describe, pre DC. I didn't see it at the time but it was absolutely coercive control and emotional abuse.

The clothes/looking at people wrong/not being allowed to do stuff - all huge red flags.

Please leave. Your DC will think this is a normal relationship and will continue the cycle of abuse.

I'm now in a loving equal relationship where neither poses restrictions on the other, because ultimately we are secure in ourselves and our relationship.

You deserve to be happy OP

[tenlittlecygnets]

Ignore @TensAndUnits - that's crap advice. Never have counselling with an abuser.

OP, your h is abusive, whether you realise it or not. Does he have a list of things he's 'not allowed' to do? Or just you?

You should be able to wear what you like, go where you like, stay out overnight, smile at who you like... in a normal loving relationship.

Your h sounds very very worrying.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"He’s not really controlling. I’ve always been able to see my friends".

Your friends are likely to be female and with young children
I’m not allowed to stop over a night or go away for a night but then I’ve 2dc.

Having children should not prevent you from having one night away from them. I would also think that if he wanted to go on lads golfing holiday or a stag weekend he would be first in line to attend.

"He says that I’m not allowed to speak to other men and he might make comments that I’m not to wear something out without him but I’m never sure if it’s a joke or not".

He is not joking at all. You are not allowed to speak to other men and he has made comments about what you wear on a rare night out. What about people like the gas man, decorator or washing machine repair men, these professions tend to be male dominated. I guess he is always at home then with you. He really does think you are going to run off with another man. He wants to keep you, and in turn your DC here, in a cage of his own paranoid making

What is your own definition of controlling behaviour if not the above?.

[WhatsAParlay]

Wow OP, that's not normal at all. I'd be very unhappy indeed if I Was in your position

[PickAChew]

@TensAndUnits

Has he had trauma in his past? Treated bad my by parents or an ex?

His behaviour is absolutely wrong and I would not condone it at all but it’s not necessarily dangerous and could potentially be worked on if he recognises his problems and wants to work on it and you want to stay in this relationship.

Sometimes (In majority of cases) a partner is using this behaviour and it’s abusive more rarely the person displaying this behaviour has suffered emotional trauma and is not in control of this type of behaviour and with the correct help and support can overcome it but it takes both parties and you would have to really want to be in the relationship.

CBT and counselling as a couple plus a huge effort on the affected persons part to change their behaviour and a big commitment from the partner to work with them, support and reassure. It’s a lot to ask you would need to be 100%

Crikey. You make him sound like a home renovation project. Your armchair psychology is dangerous and irresponsible.

It is NOT op's job to fix him and she absolutely must not even contemplate counselling with him because he will use it to gain more control of her.

[pinkyredrose]

He sounds awful. Maybe because you've been with him so long you can't see how bad he is. You should absolutely NEVER have to state that you're 'allowed' or 'not allowed' to do anything by a partner! Do you 'allow' him to do things?

[powershowerforanhour]

promise on the dc lives you won’t keave me’

What does that actually mean? That if you promised this, and then left, the DC would die? How? In a family annihilator kind of way? Fuck.

[TensAndUnits]

It’s not armchair psychology it’s a situation o have first hand experience of and if you bothered to read my post properly you will see I said more than once how she has no obligation. That if she chose to take this path she should 100% want to stay in the relationship

[myhobbyisouting]

If DP told me I couldn't stay overnight somewhere he'd be fucking off to fuck off land. And I also have a couple of kids....so what?

[Lilac95]

In passing these comments of you can’t leave me and said jokingly wouldn’t be creepy but now you’ve given context of his behaviour it’s very worrying. Defiantly red flags, that’s not normal

[TwentyViginti]

What is on the list of things your husband isn't allowed to do?

[Bumpsadaisie]

There should not be such a thing as "allowed" in a reln of two adults.

He is very emotionally underdeveloped- still functioning like an omnipotent toddler for whom the reality of not being control is too psychically painful to bear.

Problem is if you stick to his rules you collude with this fantasy - that the world can be omnipotently controlled. And he never takes steps to develop and learn to manage the anxiety created when you realise the reality is we have little control.

Most people manage to make this development not least as freedom and space for yourself and others ultimately bring s great satisfaction to relationships. But your Dh sounds very stuck.

It's hard to see that he could change. IF he recognised it was a problem and IF he was willing to really work on it and take a look at himself - he could probably grow a lot in a psychoanalytic psychotherapy relationship with a therapist. But those are big ifs!

[InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud]

My ex said this to me. He also used 'your parents would be disappointed in you as they really love me'

He is now my ex... and my parents have stayed by my side and supported me

[user18435677565533]

That's coercive control and he's abusing you.

It's not normal to have lists of things your partner doesn't allow you to do, or to have to change your behaviour to avoid "moods" /sulks/other unpleasant repercussions.

Would you speak to Women's Aid?

[user18435677565533]

You may find looking at the Freedom Programme course helpful.

[CodenameVillanelle]

@TensAndUnits

Has he had trauma in his past? Treated bad my by parents or an ex?

His behaviour is absolutely wrong and I would not condone it at all but it’s not necessarily dangerous and could potentially be worked on if he recognises his problems and wants to work on it and you want to stay in this relationship.

Sometimes (In majority of cases) a partner is using this behaviour and it’s abusive more rarely the person displaying this behaviour has suffered emotional trauma and is not in control of this type of behaviour and with the correct help and support can overcome it but it takes both parties and you would have to really want to be in the relationship.

CBT and counselling as a couple plus a huge effort on the affected persons part to change their behaviour and a big commitment from the partner to work with them, support and reassure. It’s a lot to ask you would need to be 100%

Fuck me. Definitely don't do this it's dangerous advice