Relationship with married man for a year! Now what...

[conb123]

I know it's awful and I will be judged. But I have been in a relationship with a married man for over a year. His partner discovered the affair a few weeks ago and he's gone back to his partner and I am beside myself. It's literally as if I have never existed. How could he do this to me. Is it time to move on? I have wasted a whole year on this man. Promises me the world then drops me as soon as she finds out.
Some constructive advice needed please.

You were happy to live the lie now face up to the truth. You're just his bit on the side, he has a greater vested interest in his marriage and family. Move on and try and find a single man next time!

What did you expect? If you were so special to him why would he sneak about for a year instead of ending his relationship to be with you? Would you really want to be with a man this dishonest?

Move on. Date single men in future.

@TibetanTerrier

Dear god, no wonder so many women on MN find their husbands are playing away from home. Talk about bitter and twisted.

So women who aren’t sympathetic to OP deserve to be cheated on? Yeah that really follows. What is the matter with you?

OP, you wanted to wreck his family, you didn’t care if his wife and kids got hurt. Now it’s backfired on you you’re all “poor me”. Can you not see how wrong this is?

@Onthedunes

Don't worry op I'm on it.......

I'll report him to the National Data Base of Cheating Bastards for not keeping his promises.

Savage haha

I'm 'the wife' in a situation almost identical to yours. Some advice for you.

If he can lie to his wife he WILL lie to you.
If he says he isn't having sex with his wife, he's lying.
He doesn't love you he loves the way you make him feel about himself. He tells you he loves you because it's what you want to hear and it equals more sex for him.
He probably won't leave his wife for you because most married men don't want a long term relationship with the kind of girl who will sleep with a married man. And yes I know it's double standards.
If he really wanted to leave his wife it wouldn't take a year.

Regardless of whether he leaves his wife or not just leave well alone. How could you ever really trust him. Have some self respect and learn from this. Find yourself a man who is free to be yours.

You had a lucky escape do you really want him?Feel sorry for the wife/partner who is still stuck with the lying cheating bastard.
Do some self searching and personal growth think about your self esteem why you went there then eventually you will meet a single man.

I'm sorry...you happily took something that did not belong to you in the first place. You and him are both equally disloyal cheating twats. Yiu both deserve to be cheated on and lied to the way you have done so to his wife and children. You are BOTH not innocent! You were happy breaking up a marraige. That's disgusting. Wait until you get cheated on! I think you got what you deserved and hope you get more. Those kids could grow up in a broken marraige because of not of your selfish behaviour. Serves you right!

@gypsywater

That's cute, the mistresses sticking together...how sweet

Im not a mistress and I’m offering the OP sympathy from the vile comments she’s receiving on here! I love the fact that some people on here think it’s fine to be so judgemental when you don’t know the OP or her situation. How is that any better than falling in love with someone you shouldn’t? We all make mistakes, the OP hasn’t murdered anyone! A situation is rarely as black and white as some suggest on here. I was cheated on in my marriage, I’m still not bitter and even if I was I wouldn’t be taking it out on some woman I don’t know on the internet. The OP asked for support, if you have nothing constructive to say then why bother?

I’m really not sure what constructive advice you are seeking. We can’t tell you anything you don’t already know. You had an affair with a married man. He lied and cheated, you enabled this. Now he has been found out and oh! What a surprise! He isn’t going to leave his wife.
Time for you to learn from your naivety, pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on.

Did you seriously think that you would live happily ever after with him?

Oh OP!... if he truly wanted to be with you, he’d have left his wife for you. If his wife hadn’t had found out, you’d still be living in your delusion of having a future with this man. Why did you not refuse any relationship until he had officially separated from his wife? I guarantee if you had done so? you wouldn’t have wasted a year of life on him,
Take the shame, the guilt and the loss and learn from it., and never put yourself in such a vulnerable position again.

@Spotify82

I'm sorry...you happily took something that did not belong to you in the first place. You and him are both equally disloyal cheating twats. Yiu both deserve to be cheated on and lied to the way you have done so to his wife and children. You are BOTH not innocent! You were happy breaking up a marraige. That's disgusting. Wait until you get cheated on! I think you got what you deserved and hope you get more. Those kids could grow up in a broken marraige because of not of your selfish behaviour. Serves you right!

I'm not defending the OP affairs never end well but I will say how do you know she's the only one and that she is responsible for breaking up the marriage ? He could have been sniffing about flirting with loads of women had lots of bits on the side. I know a family he's disgusting cheated throughout their marriage with different women she's found out 4 times and still hasn't kicked him out. I think we have a habit of solely blaming the ow, look he's a cheat he doesn't love you he doesn't love his wife or he wouldn't treat her like that the only person he loves is himself.

He was never that nice though op. Nice men don’t do that. He’s told you what you want to hear. He cheated on his wife, he was always going to hurt you.

When you say he went back to his wife, it doesn't sound like he ever actually left her.

So it's more like you were thrown under the bus.

He may be laying low until she's not watching his every move and could get back in touch with you...but he won't be offering you more than he did before.

His children are young. If his wife isn't working, that's going to cost him a lot to leave and family and friends won't look at him favourably. His reputation is at stake....

When a MM thinks about leaving...the OW has to outweigh their marriage in their minds. He may have loved you in his own way, but I question the character of a man who cheats when the kids are so young and it's a difficult time as they're hard work.

How much of a good father could he have been in the last year when he was spending time he should have been at home with you.

He kept saying he wanted to leave...but what steps did he take to leave. Chances are you'd still be getting strung along for the next few years with one excuse after another.

I'll send you some info about the OW relationship and the usual pattern via PM.

Someone who can't be honest and trustworthy to the person they made vows to is unlike to be so with someone prepared to cheat with them.

I am genuinely sorry that you are heartbroken op but surely you can see how textbook this is?

It's not textbook because there are all these evil bastards out there plotting to cheat on their wives- it's textbook because there are so many weak selfish men who resent not being the centre of attention when young kids are in the picture, get carried away with the romance of a new and elicit affair and convince themselves both that they are in love and justified in cheating. Unfortunately when reality hits and they are found out they realise what they have to lose and the illusion disappears leaving the other woman alone.

You are better off with out this pathetic man. I hope you meet someone lovely of your own.

@Spotify82
you happily took something that did not belong to you in the first place.

None of us owns someone else. He did not "belong" to anyone. Half the reason men go elsewhere is because their wives think that once the ring is on the finger they own the man and start behaving accordingly. I've seen so many women who've changed in the way they take their husbands for granted after marriage. They practically hold up a placard saying "Come and get him".

I think the reason you've received such harsh responses here OP isn't just the fact you have been happily getting it on with a married man.

It's the fact that your post and follow-up comments show absolutely no contrition or empathy for the wife, it's just all about you "how could he do this to me??". Well.....he was doing it to his wife, and she clearly meant more to him than you because he married her and they had kids together. A year of fun sex doesn't really compare. He has two little children, both aged under 5. And a marriage he's trying to save. But yes, let's wonder why he doesn't want to be bothered with you any more..... His wife and little kids clearly mean a lot more to him that he was willing to admit to you. Or that you were willing to admit to yourself. Come on, you have heard all the lines that married men give - even now with hindsight, you're insisting that you can't understand why you weren't different?!

I'm not excusing your choices but I get that we can all make bad decisions. However, I think now would be a good time to step back and acknowledge that while he's a lying shitbag who suckered you in, you really shouldn't have been fucking another woman's husband anyway. You want constructive advice? Figure out why you felt it was OK to creep around with a married man rather than telling him to come and take you out once he was separated. Especially when you knew there was little children involved. Your whole tone screams of entitlement and victim, when actually you were one of the perpetrators here.

Have a little empathy for what you've helped to put the wife through, and potentially the kids too.

@TibetanTerrier

Bloody women, eh?

Poor you.. you wasted a whole year? I wonder how many years his wife wasted on this scum, imagine how she felt when she found out. I have advice for her: LTB.

@TwentyViginti
I've reported this post. What a disgusting thing to say.

What man do you think wants to come home to the kind of person who would say the vile things that have been said on this thread? MN should remove the entire thread.

'What God has joined together let no man put asunder"

Next time you get married, listen !

@Lalliella
So women who aren’t sympathetic to OP deserve to be cheated on?

I didn't say they deserved it, I said it's not surprising. No man (or woman) wants to come home to or live with someone who can spew the kind of vitriol that's on this thread.

You both had reasons for what happened but in any scenario he's creating vacancy for mistress and or wife you need to look at what role you want in a future relationship.
If he was that unhappy good man would have left and spent time working out who he is and what he wants before dragging someone else into his life. His children will grow up to respect that choice more than flitting from lover to lover