Relationship with married man for a year! Now what...

[conb123]

I know it's awful and I will be judged. But I have been in a relationship with a married man for over a year. His partner discovered the affair a few weeks ago and he's gone back to his partner and I am beside myself. It's literally as if I have never existed. How could he do this to me. Is it time to move on? I have wasted a whole year on this man. Promises me the world then drops me as soon as she finds out.
Some constructive advice needed please.

''Wow you're brave...brace yourself for the responses'' Fuckin lol 😂

OP, my advice to you would be the same as it would be to anyone who's having a painful break-up.

Try to keep very, very busy.

Don't contact him, and don't encourage any contact from him. I know this isn't easy, but it really will help you to get over him.

Acknowledge that it will really, really hurt. This means you will have some very bad days, but hurt is inevitable when a relationship ends against your will.

No judgement from me. Affairs happen for all kinds of reasons, but they rarely, if ever, happen when a marriage is sound.

Be grateful he left you, he will always cheat on his wife, he was probably cheating on you as well. I'm not judging you, you made a mistake to trust someone who pulled the rug from under you with lies and false promises. He won't change but you will, you learned a lesson. He be begging his wife and telling her you meant nothing, the sad fact is he be telling her the truth, you meant nothing to him because if you did mean something to him he'd be in your bed now with the divorce papers already signed. That's going to be a hard pill to swallow and upset you but you need the truth to get you through this to get over him. And his wife is also a fool for believing whatever shits coming out his mouth. Learn from it move on and ensure your next man is all for you.. Over 3 billion on this planet surely you'll find one who will love you and nobody else, and is SINGLE!

OP - thing is - he may have actually had feelings for you. And he may have been unhappy in his marriage. So - whatever he told you, whatever he felt during the time with you may have been all true.
But, the reality of separation and divorce is very different from feeling unhappy in the marriage.

Men hate splitting assets, paying maintenance and losing out on seeing kids. When his W discovered the affair - the reality came into focus for him. So - whatever feelings he may have had for you - the dramatic upheaval to his life must have come out as insurmountable.
So - unlike others on here - I don’t think that he necessarily pretended for a whole year. I think it’s more likely that he just couldn’t actually go through with it.

But it doesn’t really matter what he did or didn’t mean, as it doesnt really change anything for you. At least it was only a year. And you’ll need to move on.
And btw - he may come crawling back. They often do once things calm down a bit at home.

You’ve been played. You’ve both had a small dose of karma, hope his wife gives him hell.

Dust yourself off and stay away from cheating men or it might come back to bite you one day. Think on it this way, if he actually left his wife, things might have been rosy between you for a couple of years but deep down, in the back of your mind, every time he was late home from work or went on a night out, there would be that tiny grain of doubt that history could be repeating itself. You might not see it now but you’ve had a lucky escape.

His poor wife, with 2 little ones, I don’t know how anyone could do that to another woman tbh. It isn’t all on by any means however, you knew he was married and went into this knowing what could happen.

Are you single OP? Best advice I can give is for you to forget about men for a while and concentrate on yourself and your little one, when the time is right, find someone decent you can call your own and hope they don’t ever get their head turned.

isn’t all on you* by any means ... sorry typo

He didn't go back to his wife, he never even left her.

Their relationship is their business. He's been an absolute cunt to her and it's a shame she's giving him another chance IMO but they are adults and as I say it's their life.

You have nothing to do with their life now. You and he made decisions you knew could devastate his wife.

He chose to cheat with you and shag you. He chose to tell you he'd leave her and promise you a future.

You chose to risk assess that and believe him despite the cliches and the risks. You chose to continue it for a whole year in secret.

Now it's out in the open and he doesn't want you. It's that simple I'm afraid. You can be cross with him of course and disappointed but I'm surprised you're so shocked considering you know full well he is capable of lying, keeping secrets and compartmentalising.

You've learned an important lesson hopefully. Don't pursue relationships with people who aren't single. Job done.

Reading your posts, you sure you were 'in love' with him and not just the idea of him? You loved the thrill of the sneaking around, the thrill of someone elses man, but that doesn't mean you were in love with him. Could you actually have lived with him? The distrust knowing he cheated before, the side eye everytime he picked up his phone. The wondering where he is if he's 20 minutes late coming home from work? Sit and think about it and then say you were ' in love' with him.. You might have confused lust and thrill with love.

I’m not a bitter wife.... the opposite actually. 5 years on I’m blissfully happy and engaged to the love of my life. So in fact I’m grateful for what happened
But I have zero sympathy for anyone who believes a man/woman who they KNOW is lying to their DP and they KNOW a good person does not cheat on their partner. The only outcome can be heartbreak

Wow so ur shocked ur 1year meant nothing and like u never existed but u expected his poor wife of many years to be treated like dirt and like she never existed while u had sex with him behind her back? Grow up

Busted both of you are to blame.

How could he do this to me

You knew he was doing worse to his wife, you know, the woman he promised to love and honour as long as they both should live. What else did you expect?

Karma at its finest. Sorry OP no sympathy

@TibetanTerrier

Dear god, no wonder so many women on MN find their husbands are playing away from home. Talk about bitter and twisted.

This! Imagine being so bitter that you think it’s acceptable to be absolutely vile to someone you don’t know who is clearly hurting!

@fuckrightoff

Wow you're brave...brace yourself for the responses

Indeed. It's as if conb123 has never been on MN before.

An insignificant part of his life for over a year?

Absolutely. You were the easy shag who he kept on the hook by feeding a load of very predictable lies.

Well the ball is in his wife's court. If she chucks him out, he'll probably come to you because he won't like his own company. If she forgives him, it will come with conditions so you will be blanked.
Either way OP it's time to face facts, work through the pain and either slam the door on him or try to forget about him. You're worth more.

@TibetanTerrier

Dear god, no wonder so many women on MN find their husbands are playing away from home. Talk about bitter and twisted.

I've reported this post. What a disgusting thing to say.

@TibetanTerrier

Dear god, no wonder so many women on MN find their husbands are playing away from home. Talk about bitter and twisted.

Because women are always ultimately to blame for men's failings. Always.

Are you seriously looking for sympathy. Lie down with a dog you get fleas.

@conb123

I know it's awful and I will be judged. But I have been in a relationship with a married man for over a year. His partner discovered the affair a few weeks ago and he's gone back to his partner and I am beside myself. It's literally as if I have never existed. How could he do this to me. Is it time to move on? I have wasted a whole year on this man. Promises me the world then drops me as soon as she finds out. Some constructive advice needed please.

The irony that you're upset he broke promises to you when you helped him break vows to his wife.

Married men who want to play around will say anything to get a woman to want to tear their clothes off. Move on OP.

Don't worry op I'm on it.......

I'll report him to the National Data Base of Cheating Bastards for not keeping his promises.

I was one of the mistresses who 'won' the man, but it was a hollow victory. I didn't know he was married, well I did but thought he was separated, he lived with his parents and took me back to their house, introduced me to his brother and sister in law, his friends, his colleagues - we stayed over at his parents house every weekend. He had initially told me he was divorced until we had sex for the first time - he was still inside me when he admitted he was not divorced but was separated. I was a 17 year old virgin. I am still angry about that. He was found out when his wife found the floppy disk he used to save the love letters he wrote to me, when she was looking for the disk with her CV. I still don't know why his family and friends played along with his deception for so long - it was six months before she found out.

Anyway he then told me his wife had cancer and that is why he wasn't divorced, but had decided he couldn't be without me so he left her and we rented a place together. I am fairly sure he was faithful to me for the first year, because he was controlling and wouldn't let me out of his sight. He hated me even getting public transport to work. He was violent, financially abusive, sexually abusive, emotionally abusive. By the time I found out he was cheating on me with a girl I had gone to school with (another inexperienced virgin) he had forced me to have an abortion, broken my arm and nose, raped me several times, locked me out of our flat with just underwear on (we lived on a main road) and isolated me from everyone i cared about including my family. He then for the next few months would let himself into the house periodically to rape me, threatening to kill my new boyfriend if I reported him. The landlord wouldn't let me change the locks so I moved in with the new boyfriend (luckily he was the best, and I married him).

I tell you this because the type of man who will gladly lie to someone he professes to love, for that length of time, is clearly someone without redeeming features. He said he loved you, and no doubt said the same to his wife. You are the one who got the best deal by being free of him, because you never know if a bad man is a truly bad man until it's too late.