Relationship with married man for a year! Now what...

[conb123]

I know it's awful and I will be judged. But I have been in a relationship with a married man for over a year. His partner discovered the affair a few weeks ago and he's gone back to his partner and I am beside myself. It's literally as if I have never existed. How could he do this to me. Is it time to move on? I have wasted a whole year on this man. Promises me the world then drops me as soon as she finds out.
Some constructive advice needed please.

He didn’t go back to his wife OP. He never left you, you were just a bit on the side and yea, insignificant for a year is possible when you’re a mistress. His poor wife.
Shame on you. If you ever get married and this happens to you, please don’t post for sympathy

Gosh I've made sone mistakes in the past but the thought of tearing 2 little kids family apart in the hope of 'winning' someone who is happy to lie and cheat on his wife for a year is batshit. Did you think he would make a nice new family with you and your son? His kids could come stay with you every other weekend even though you have treated them with such contempt? Total batshit.

I hope you at least were smart enough not to introduce him to your child?

I’m sorry you’re hurting - regardless of your own behaviour you’ve been treated badly by someone you believed cared for you.

I have a friend who was in a very long relationship (15years +) with a married man. They have a child together. Lots of genuine good times together by all accounts and then one day, when the child was about 5 he decided the guilt was too much and she never heard from him again.

She was devastated. Whoever said that the men walk away unscathed is true.

then one day, when the child was about 5 he decided the guilt was too much and she never heard from him again

Yeah, it was the guilt, not the cost of raising a child, fact it got less fun with a child there/ fact she was getting older/ fact he got a younger, less complicated AP. It was definitely that after 15 years he got a moral compass, and that moral compass told him to walk of his five year old child's life without a backward glance.

What an utter, selfish bastard. I despise men who abandon their children.

Yeah, it was the guilt, not the cost of raising a child, fact it got less fun with a child there/ fact she was getting older/ fact he got a younger, less complicated AP

Yes probably all that as well. He is still with his wife and she has left him to it, trying to keep what little self respect she had left.

I guess he’ll have a decade or so of respite and then the child will turn up on his doorstep and it will all come crashing down.

Having seen 3 different counsellors trying to save my marriage after my dh cheated when our dd was a baby I’m afraid it’s probably true you were just fed a heap of lies and he didn’t really care that much after all.

All the counsellors told me as a general rule women cheat because they’re unhappy and fall for the AP, men can be and often are perfectly happy but take some sex on the side as an ego boost / escape from life with little ones etc.

I’m sure it hurts but I can guarantee it hurts his DW more. Just try and learn from this and be better for yourself and others

Hi Op my first thought is similar lines of first poster.

My next reaction to your thread is be careful for what you wish for (,thinking the grass was ever going to be geeenner the other side of this deceitful affair.😕

Consider this,what makes you think a man who cheats on his wife, and I guess tells you stories how she doesn't understand him etc etc,

Would, could be a more genuine trustful partner with you then??

If he can tell lies so blantelly like that with his wife,
How do you know if he left his wife for you, he could be trustworthy with yourself with you etc etc.

His marriage, his wife may be shit,??
But if he is not happy he should either throw in towell in towell, quit or get marriage counselling..

Also some married men, just chase skirt outside marriage just purely cause they are very immature,needy and are just bored of vanilla ,want something bit different novelty factor,escapism,

Basically its horses for courses how do you know ex married lover wouldn't treat you the same as he does with wife if the situation was reversed then??

You're 'beside yourself?' Over another woman's husband? He's a man, not a God🙄.

He's married, and you'd have wanted him to leave his wife. Despite you knowing she'd very likely have felt exactly as you are feeling now.

You played the game and forgot the rules so, those are the breaks. All you can do is block it out and move on. Time will heal. You won't die for lack of him you know.

I think you're after a bit of metaphorical self-flagellation here, and mentionitis has kicked in too. Tomorrow is another day, you'll get over it in time.

& Remember - He owes you nothing.

[quote SoulofanAggron]@BadLad That was funny I had to admit tho I've been the OW and know what it's like.[/quote]
Thank you. I don't have any strong views either way about the OP. Just thought the picture was funny.

Yes, insignificant, even for a year.
Because I bet you didn’t do normal things together. It was just fantasy and an escape for him. It wasn’t even particularly about you, it was about how you made him feel about himself, an ego boost.

I understand you feel sad and hurt but honestly, the sooner you realise this the sooner you can move on.

If you know that a person is untruthful and immoral (about sex or marriage or anything) you can never trust them. No matter what.

That is a fact imo and to trust or believe a person like this is stupid - not naive - simply stupid

Many many years ago, I had an affair with a married man. For about a year if memory serves.
He packed his bag to leave her and suddenly I thought, wtf, it's your wife, you have kids, I can't be a part of splitting a family up!! I dumped him and it was acrimonious and awful.
Anyway, last year, he flitted through my mind and I looked him up on FB. He's really getting on now. But there he was with beautiful photos of him and his wife and their grand kids. It made me smile.

He loved me. He was going to leave her. The thing is, he had a family and a bigger love and it was important that he stayed. I'm so glad of that and that I didn't make an awful awful mistake, one much worse than the one I was making at the time (I was a teen and he a seedy old man in a way).

Be glad it was just a year. What if his wife hadn't ever found out and he'd strung you along for years?
I know it hurts.
I'm so sorry.
You are worth more (and frankly so is she). Cut him off completely as he may come back wanting more free sex. And grow and love yourself a little bit more.

He told me he was leaving
I stupidly believed it
I honestly and naively believed him
I genuinely believed they had no relationship didn't even feel in competition with her but I thought they were pretty much over

If that’s what you honestly believe why didn’t you wait until he had left before letting your relationship go any further. You are lying to yourself.

The only positive that can come from this is that you learn how much you are worth and raise your standards.

Go NC, lick your wounds and value yourself more In future.

How could he do this to me.

Because he is the kind of man who cheats on his wife.

What did you expect you silly cow?

@LemonBar

What did you expect you silly cow?

Yuck.

Seriously what the actual fuck did you expect?

Block and have no contact.

Have a good hard look at why you decided that a married man was your ideal partner.

Why do posters keep calling the partner "wife"? For all we know they weren't married. (It doesn't make any difference whatsoever BTW, but on MN people always want to make the difference between the two).

Oh I see it's in the thread title, nevermind...

To the OP some men DO LEAVE but it's usually within 3 months.

To the OP some men DO LEAVE but it's usually within 3 months

are you talking from experience ? 🤔

A friend of mine had an affair and the man did leave his wife & children. Then she changed her mind & realised she didn’t love him after all! There are all kinds of outcomes in life!

I can't find the article. Byit on loveshack that statistic was always mentioned divorce.lovetoknow.com/Rates_of_Divorce_for_Adultery_and_Infidelity

Are you the poster who posted about this man giving yoy money, getting to know your child and he came to see you during the day?

You really need to get a grip on your life OP. You are so distracted by this man that you are neglecting your real life. The one that is you and your childs. You don't get this time back ffs. Put your lens on what counts, yourself and most of all, your child. It is sickening to read how tied up in knots you are. Get help.

Stay away from married men and you won't end up in this situation in future. OP, you already know this, hence no sympathy.

It will get better OP. Married men that lie that way are the worst of snakes. Its genuinely baffling how much shite they’ll spout to get an extra marital shag... block block block! Its hard not to be the one he chooses but you are so much better off. If you’d ended up with him you’d never have known a days’ peace.