Relationship with married man for a year! Now what...

[conb123]

I know it's awful and I will be judged. But I have been in a relationship with a married man for over a year. His partner discovered the affair a few weeks ago and he's gone back to his partner and I am beside myself. It's literally as if I have never existed. How could he do this to me. Is it time to move on? I have wasted a whole year on this man. Promises me the world then drops me as soon as she finds out.
Some constructive advice needed please.

[quote TibetanTerrier]@TwentyViginti
I've reported this post. What a disgusting thing to say.

What man do you think wants to come home to the kind of person who would say the vile things that have been said on this thread? MN should remove the entire thread.[/quote]
@TibetanTerrier

Your right, come on ladies lets shoot ourselves, no man wants to think a woman is capable of such a henious crime as supporting the actual victim, the wife.

This was very predictable. A married man rarely leaves his wife. You weren't going to beat the odds. Don't get involved with a married man again and go into therapy to look at why you did in the first place.

You were foolish to believe that he would leave his wife for you after not doing so for a whole year but as a positive you can take it as a lucky escape, who wants to be with a man that cheats on his wife, really??

As soon as you found he was married you should have valued yourself higher and walked. Whether you loved him or not.

Are you not worth more? This is what you need to convince yourself of.

Cry, re-evaluate your life and raise your expectations.

I mean... What did you expect would happen? I can only hope his wife kicked him to the curb also

You're an adult. You knew he was married and knew what you were doing was morally wrong. You shouldn't be surprised that a man who would lie to his partner (for a year!) could also have been lying to you (for a year!).

I hope his partner respects herself enough to get rid of him and move on to better things. If he comes crawling back to you (his second choice, clearly), I wonder if you'll have the sense to turn him away, too.

Take it as a learning experience. Any man who is prepared to lie to his wife, who he cared about enough to marry and stay married to for however many years, isn't going to think twice about lying to you. It doesn't matter if he says he's only stayed with her for the kids, or they've grown apart, or whatever other bullshit they come out with.

Every "nice" thing that he does or says to you is just him showing you the level of deceit he is capable of.

It's a lose/lose situation.

@Onthedunes
Your right, come on ladies lets shoot ourselves, no man wants to think a woman is capable of such a henious crime as supporting the actual victim, the wife.

Nothing wrong with posting in support of the wife, it's the vitriol dripping from the posts that is so distasteful. The depth of the venom just dilutes any substance the posts may have otherwise have had.

@warigold

I have no idea what you expect from this thread, MN is full of women who hate women like you. Women like me. You won't get any sympathy or constructive advice. I've been there. Be thankful it was just a year. Men will always take the easier option. The option that causes least upset and upheaval. No one on here knows his feelings towards you but one thing I always think is, if he felt for me like I felt for him we'd be together. He doesn't and we're not.

This. No-one knows what he felt, but him. But at the end of the day he is where he wants to be. Some men do leave (despite what MN says). When they do not imo they never will. He’s made his choice. It hurts, but it’ll hurt a lot more if you let him come back when the dust has settled.

@TibetanTerrier

Dear god, no wonder so many women on MN find their husbands are playing away from home. Talk about bitter and twisted.

Surely its the other way around? The women are "bitter and twisted" (although I wouldn't use those words, I'd say heartbroken and hurting) because their not so 'D' Hs cheated?

@cabbageking

As soon as you found he was married you should have valued yourself higher and walked. Whether you loved him or not.

Are you not worth more? This is what you need to convince yourself of.

Cry, re-evaluate your life and raise your expectations.

This

Also what on earth possessed you to get involved with a married man?

@warigold
I have no idea what you expect from this thread, MN is full of women who hate women like you.

Only half full it seems. Over on another thread 59% are saying they like Camilla - the most infamous Other Woman of the past 100 years - and they want her to be Queen.

The reason why it is difficult for people to feel sympathy for you is that you were conciously, knowingly doing something that would hurt others - his wife and his children. You were prepared to hurt them and turn their lives upside down in order for you to be happy. Now it has turned out that you are the one who feels the hurt and disruption (I’m sure his wife is also very unhappy now). Can you see why it is difficult to support you?
Having said that, I feel sorry for you because a good liar can be very persuasive. But it is up to you whether you go along with that and cause hurt yourself or whether you decide to be a better person. It is your life, your choice on how to live it.

When you have an affair you’re creating a fantasy relationship. Something that isn’t rooted in the real world. All the sneaking around is exciting and of course the sex is off the charts because it’s new and different and full of a yearning. Intoxicating stuff. It’s not real though. Things that are said are fantasy... “ one day we’ll be together and we’ll have a cottage with roses around the door”. In reality getting divorced is a massive upheaval with upset and huge financial consequences. The prospect of living in a studio flat versus his nice 3 bed house. Seeing his kids every day or every other weekend. So he chooses his wife and the comfort of that relationship and abandons the fantasy life and hot sex. He may have feelings for you and miss you but of course he’s going to ignore you. He will have made promises not to speak to you and I dare say his future is hanging by a thread. You will get over him the same way you get over any break-up - it’s tough.

Speaking as a bitter cheated on DW I'm not going to beat you up. Can I just ask you to think about his actions, not his words? He has hurt both of you, that's what he is. If (when more like) he comes sniffing back because either his DW has realised she can't forgive and thrown him out, or he feels safe enough to get back in touch, don't go there. This man will hurt you, if you get him full time, you will never feel secure as he's shown himself to be untrustworthy, if you return to an affair, you will end up feeling worthless, as he's shown you he's not your 'true love'.
Shake yourself off, lift your head high, and never fall for a sleazy married man's lies again.

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander
Of course they are entitled to be upset but to take this out so viciously on someone they don’t know on an internet forum is not acceptable. I find the ‘he clearly loved his wife more’ comments concerning too! Surely that has to be very unlikely? He cheated on her for a year! It’s more likely he is unhappy but staying because it’s easier and he isn’t ready for the lifestyle changes and upheaval. Getting divorced is not easy or cheap! I stayed in my marriage for several years for these reasons and I know plenty of others who have too.

He was disloyal to his wife and now disloyal to you. There’s a clue there! The best thing you can do is cut all contact with him, move on, and never be in this situation again. You’re hurt, well imagine how his wife felt on finding out about you.

He can't 'go back to his wife' if he never left her in the first place.

Move on, and chalk it up to a lesson learned.

Don't do it again. Have higher standards.

‘ How could he do this to me’

It shouldn’t be much of a shock really, considering he’s cheating on his wife with you.
What you should be asking is ‘how could he do that to her, and why have I fallen for this?’

We have to stop thinking we are ‘better’ than someone else.

If you were that good, he would have left his wife and not cheated to have you.

Although, this isn’t really about you op.

You’re good enough for somebody, we all are.

People who cheat are never looking for a relationship though, they’re only after the sex and danger.

Don’t fall for it.

@Baws did you mean to tag me? I haven't said those posts are acceptable. I was responding to the post I quoted and pointing out that its more likely that women are "bitter and twisted" because their DHs cheated not vice versa

That’ll teach you not to go around with another woman’s man then won’t it! Lesson learnt!

There's something quite sad about your utter naivety, OP. Although this situation is not remotely funny, it reminds me of the men's disbelief on Friends:

Joey: Of course it was a line!
Monica: Why? Why? Why would someone do something like that?
Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than: "To get you into bed."

Reevaluate your morals and standards, and leave taken men alone.