Relationship with married man for a year! Now what...

[conb123]

I know it's awful and I will be judged. But I have been in a relationship with a married man for over a year. His partner discovered the affair a few weeks ago and he's gone back to his partner and I am beside myself. It's literally as if I have never existed. How could he do this to me. Is it time to move on? I have wasted a whole year on this man. Promises me the world then drops me as soon as she finds out.
Some constructive advice needed please.

But yes, as PP have said - recognise that you were used; go completely NC; pamper yourself; get busy and interested in other things (to the extent possible in current times) and learn from this experience and steer clear of unavailable men in the future.

@berrygirlie

I am beside myself. It's literally as if I have never existed. How could he do this to me. Is it time to move on? I have wasted a whole year on this man. Promises me the world then drops me.

It's almost like his wife is probably saying the same thing right now (and her hurt and pain is justified tbh .) What were you predicting would happen?

He told me he was leaving I stupidly believed it I honestly and naively believed him I genuinely believed they had no relationship didn't even feel in competition with her but I thought they were pretty much over

What did you want out of this OP? Did you consider yourself "in love"? I try to empathise with people as much as I can, but horniness and naivety aren't something I personally can say "you poor soul" about when someone else's marriage has gone down the toilet.

It's bad enough knowingly participating in an affair, but it's another thing to create a thread and behave sanctimoniously solely because on some level you believed you were worth more than his wife.

Well. It must hurt. I agree.

But learn from this

“He told me he was leaving her”

Yes - he told lots of lies. To his wife and to you. As a rule, you cannot trust someone who is cheating on their partner with you.

I genuinely believed they had no relationship didn't even feel in competition with her but I thought they were pretty much over

There's a really simple cheat sheet to avoid this kind of situation - if someone is still married, never consider it to be over.

@berrygirlie

What did you want out of this OP? Did you consider yourself "in love"? I try to empathise with people as much as I can, but horniness and naivety aren't something I personally can say "you poor soul" about when someone else's marriage has gone down the toilet.

It's bad enough knowingly participating in an affair, but it's another thing to create a thread and behave sanctimoniously solely because on some level you believed you were worth more than his wife.

Yes I considered myself in love I genuinely thought he felt the same I don't think I'm worth more than his wife I know he never wanted to hurt her

That's what always happens though?

I know he never wanted to hurt her

Sorry, you're going to have to run this one by me - how could he have not wanted to hurt her? He had a long-standing affair ...

No judgment from me but move on. This guy got into your knickers for a year as you let him. Behind his wife’s back. Find a decent single guy .

@conb123

Ok ... so he told you he was leaving her but never told her about you for a whole year. Are there children involved? I’m guessing there aren’t or you would have mentioned.

It’s a sad situation OP with no winners!

You asked for constructive advice so this is mine:

• let it all out now. Don’t turn this into your life. If you need to speak to him, do it now and don’t wait two years. These emotions can last a long time I imagine.
• ask yourself why you were attracted to a married man and if maybe you need some help around that (some therapy maybe?). Why did you not feel you deserved someone all to yourself?
• Atone. I have never done what you have done but I have made mistakes that I deeply regret (most as a teenager!) and I have atoned by being the kindest nicest version of myself I can possibly be.

Good luck OP.

He got to fuck you for a bit and escape from mundane life. You weren't worth leaving his partner over. He knew you weren't that amazing as you wouldn't be the sort of person who fucked over another person if you were. He also isn't worth much. Best advice: learn to be a better person and choose better lovers. People willing to cheat over suchna long period are cunts.

Wow! What did you think would happen? Did you think you would ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after? You are insignificant to him. He had 12 months to leave his wife for you and he didn't. Is it time to move on - yes. Move on from married men.

I've pm'd you x

What I never understand in these situations is why women fall for these lies when it’s a well trodden path and the Internet is full of stories of others who fell for it so not like there is no warning.

What you do now is move on and learn from it.

"How could he do this to me?" Answer: The same way he could lie to and betray his wife. He used her and he used you. Take it as a learning experience and don't get involved with another woman's husband again.

[quote Separatedandabitsad]@conb123

Ok ... so he told you he was leaving her but never told her about you for a whole year. Are there children involved? I’m guessing there aren’t or you would have mentioned.

It’s a sad situation OP with no winners!

You asked for constructive advice so this is mine:

• let it all out now. Don’t turn this into your life. If you need to speak to him, do it now and don’t wait two years. These emotions can last a long time I imagine.
• ask yourself why you were attracted to a married man and if maybe you need some help around that (some therapy maybe?). Why did you not feel you deserved someone all to yourself?
• Atone. I have never done what you have done but I have made mistakes that I deeply regret (most as a teenager!) and I have atoned by being the kindest nicest version of myself I can possibly be.

Good luck OP.[/quote]
There are children involved on both sides
And thank you

It's always painful to not be top choice. But that's life OP. You cant always "win". Learn from this.

Serves you right. What goes around comes around.

There are children involved - did you not think about this prior to having an affair?

@MuckyPlucky

He didn’t go back to his “partner”. I think the word you were searching for was “wife”. Big difference.

Say what?

It's ok to fuck around unless you have a bit of paper?

@berrygirlie

There are children involved - did you not think about this prior to having an affair?

Yes of course I thought about it. I just behaved really selfishly. He has 2 children under 5. I have 1 child aged 4

If a good man wanted to leave his wife he would do so before jumping into bed with someone else. Or at the very least, he would admit to the affair very early on.

No man who actively strings along both a wife & a bit on the side for a whole year is a good, honest person who you can trust.

You will learn from this OP.

This is pure ego