Relationship with married man for a year! Now what...

[conb123]

I know it's awful and I will be judged. But I have been in a relationship with a married man for over a year. His partner discovered the affair a few weeks ago and he's gone back to his partner and I am beside myself. It's literally as if I have never existed. How could he do this to me. Is it time to move on? I have wasted a whole year on this man. Promises me the world then drops me as soon as she finds out.
Some constructive advice needed please.

Well in any hope you've learnt from the last year.

@NCForXmasTat

What I don't understand is when a woman posts on here about her husband having an affair and calls the OW names people pile on and have a go telling her all ther anger should be directed at the husband and shouldn't be angry at the OW as she never made the vows. Yet when an OW posts on here everyone posts abuse, calls her names, tells her she's got what she deserves etc 🤷🏻‍♀️

She has admitted to knowing he was married with kids from the outset. Anyone with even the lowest of moral compasses wouldn't stoop that low, regardless on me calling BS on the entire thread!

Anyway each to their own

I call BS on this post. Someone attention seeking or bored. Either way, hope you've been entertained OP!

@HappyDooDaaa Thousands (millions?) of women end up in OP's position. It's not an unheard-of, unbelievable story at all. I know people are really anti- affairs here, but if people are in the thick of it they can be completely detatched from an uninvolved person's perspective on it, they're just consumed by their emotions.

[quote TibetanTerrier]@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander
Surely its the other way around? The women are "bitter and twisted" (although I wouldn't use those words, I'd say heartbroken and hurting) because their not so 'D' Hs cheated?

Yes, it was the women I was referring to. I was saying that it's not surprising so many men play away when so many women are capable of being so vile.[/quote]
Yeah ladies come on let’s just blame the women, the poor men had to cheat because the wimmin were so bad 😂 can’t make this stuff up 😂

@SoulofanAggron

I call BS on this post. Someone attention seeking or bored. Either way, hope you've been entertained OP!

@HappyDooDaaa Thousands (millions?) of women end up in OP's position. It's not an unheard-of, unbelievable story at all. I know people are really anti- affairs here, but if people are in the thick of it they can be completely detatched from an uninvolved person's perspective on it, they're just consumed by their emotions.

Yes I am fully aware it happens to millions of people UNFORTUNATELY. But still calling this BS.

[quote TibetanTerrier]@Onthedunes
Your right, come on ladies lets shoot ourselves, no man wants to think a woman is capable of such a henious crime as supporting the actual victim, the wife.

Nothing wrong with posting in support of the wife, it's the vitriol dripping from the posts that is so distasteful. The depth of the venom just dilutes any substance the posts may have otherwise have had.[/quote]
Whether this thread is BS or not, I agree with this.

I would also say that it is not true that anyone who cheats will cheat on their next partner, too.

I cheated on my XH, but there is no universe in which I would cheat on my partner now. According to MN logic, XH would be a "victim". He wasn't: our marriage was hideous, and his behaviour played a massive part in it (not least things he did to our children). So nothing is ever as clear-cut as "cheating person is a skanky shit with no morals" and "cheated on person is virtue and niceness personified".

Affairs are very, very rarely about someone wanting a shag on the side. There is almost always much more than that going on. I tend to think that the 'stone the witch' posts about OW are the result of fear (of their own husbands looking elsewhere), rather than any kind of sensible, rational thought processes.

I used to wish my XH would have an affair, as it happens. Unfortunately, nobody else was offering herself.

@conb123 he’ll be back! The question then will be is what he’s offering enough?
It’s not like you never existed to him, men can compartmentalise. He has to do this as he will be dealing with a lot at the moment and also being watched carefully, which is why he hasn’t contacted you. Yet. He’s probably feeling quite conflicted, which is why he was saying he was leaving. Part of him wants that, but there’s a part of him that also wants to stay. Especially if his wife tried to throw him out. That would make him panic enough to want to stay. It’s a lot to weigh up, kids, finances, etc. I can’t imagine someone in a perfectly happy marriage doing what he did.
I think I mentioned to you on one of your other posts..I’m the result of a love affair, my parents left their spouses for each other, married and lived happily ever after. They were much happier together than in their previous marriages. It happens quite frequently so I’m not sure why mumsnetters say a man never leaves his wife for a new partner. Also, I’m pretty sure my parents never cheated on each other, they did everything together and were madly in love.
So in my experience the whole ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ just isn’t true x

I also disagree with all those hurling vile names at women who try it on with married men. Women can try it on with whomever they like. The men aren't forced to say yes (and vice versa)...

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander No I didn’t! No idea what happened there! Sorry!

@Baws no worries. I was a bit confused

I don't even know what to say here without judgment.
He simply chose his wife over you because that's what men will do. And they are right. In the end of the day a family is being broken by cheating partners and whoever is behind this feels entitled. LOL
Honestly, I'm not even compassionate. Cheating is wrong and I am happy he made the right choice.

So nothing is ever as clear-cut as "cheating person is a skanky shit with no morals" and "cheated on person is virtue and niceness personified".

@Ophicleide Sometimes not. But the cheater could still not have cheated.

Affairs are very, very rarely about someone wanting a shag on the side.

I think they often are, for men at least, TBH.

he’ll be back!

@conb123 I think @Sacredspace is right, he might try to come back and mess wiith you some more. But it wouldn't end well, and he's hurt you so much already, block him on everything for your own self-care.

I am sorry, OP; it must be very painful for you

@BadLad What a horrible comment!

That embarrassing moment when you thought someone cared .....

I've been on both sides. My ex cheated when I was heavily pregnant and also when I had a newborn. I still struggle to trust anyone over 5 years later. I havent and will never fully recover from the gaslighting.

I was also unknowingly the OW. I'd been to his house, met friends and family etc so I had no reason to think anything was untoward. I still feel the guilt years later, if I think about it it makes me feel subhuman (and rightly so).

The OW whenI was cheated on threatened my less than 3 week old baby. I rightly went to the police but also informed her workplace, family and friends as I did for my ex. Equally ex has been ostracised by friends and family and they worked together so he had to sign something to say he would no longer have relationships with colleagues as per their policy.

Why anyone would want to be with a cheater is beyond me. It's interesting that you're making yourself the centre of it all.

You fell for the oldest trick in the book. You know this. Head up high and move on.

@BadLad That was funny I had to admit tho I've been the OW and know what it's like.

I really don’t like the “bitter wives brigade” comment though. My dh cheated on me when the kids were small (they’re teens now, he’s still here with us) and the utter devastation that it caused me has rather broken my nature, which was previously kind and happy. I am alright, although more cynical and harsh, having been so badly hurt like this. Yes I am bitter about it. I didn’t deserve it. This is the reason for the vitriol you have received on here. It isn’t just wives that are injured, it’s wider family and friends.

Yet you've stayed with the one person who said vows and promised to be faithful to you, where is your vitriol towards him? Why does he get away with it?

How does the heart know that you can fall in love only if he is not a married man? I don't think OP entered the affair with a sinister purpose thinking OK let me break his happy marriage. She says she fell in love. Whilst i agree you can't help who you fall in love with, you don't just fall in love at first sight. Therefore they spent time getting very close knowing he's married.

You'll get mostly nothing than unhelpful attacks on here.

You must be hurting a lot. Look after yourself. You will have already been to all intents and purposes single anyway.

Eventually you'll meet a man who will respect you enough not to keep you on the side x

@Cheesypea

I hope you're got your tin hat on op. Block block block as they usually sniff around after a few weeks looking for sex. Eat chocolate, drink wine, cry it out. Then consider what you want and what your prepared to put up with.

This! Move on OP.

What you think you had with him wasn’t real. It was just a construct that he used to manipulate you and his wife.

It’s hard but you’ve got to stop thinking what you think you know about him and your situation (not relationship), and concentrate on the facts.

The facts are he’s a liar and a user. He’s got no respect for his wife - the mother of his children. He doesn’t care who gets hurt as long as he can put his dick where he likes.

Really not worth the anguish. In future, try to realise that you deserve to be a bit more than someone’s bit on the side.

@BadLad

I am sorry, OP; it must be very painful for you

Hahahahaha!

I have no sympathy and I'm no bitter wife either.
He didn't go back to his wife you were the side piece all along. You obviously were a shag in his eyes.