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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship with married man for a year! Now what...

328 replies

conb123 · 18/11/2020 22:42

I know it's awful and I will be judged. But I have been in a relationship with a married man for over a year. His partner discovered the affair a few weeks ago and he's gone back to his partner and I am beside myself. It's literally as if I have never existed. How could he do this to me. Is it time to move on? I have wasted a whole year on this man. Promises me the world then drops me as soon as she finds out.
Some constructive advice needed please.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 19/11/2020 16:13

ooooffttt.... the venom on here is scorching ...

Have a lot of posters Husbands had affairs then 😳

bushhbb · 19/11/2020 16:17

*ooooffttt.... the venom on here is scorching ...

Have a lot of posters Husbands had affairs then* 😳

A lot of posters see themselves in a mistress🙄
I mean what do you want, a pat on the back? OP engaged in immoral behaviour, as did the husband. Nobody would want to be in the wife's position so why would anybody have sympathy?

You got your karma OP, move on and learn please.

EpochTime · 19/11/2020 16:18

I don't think a person has to experience something to empathise, necessarily @BlueThistles. It also depends upon a person's moral values and how fervently they believe in them. For some, infidelity transgresses sacred marriage vows and is considered to be morally unacceptable. So, when other posters describe their own devastating experiences of infidelity, it triggers a powerful empathetic response.

hotpotlover · 19/11/2020 16:23

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conb123 · 19/11/2020 16:44

@Sacredspace

What happened after she found the messages? Did he message you or did she? And then did he just stop contacting you?
He contacted me to tell me she had found the messages. She then contacted me. Eventually I told her everything. Then I never heard from him again.
OP posts:
buttcrackmcheese · 19/11/2020 16:45

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VetiverAndLavender · 19/11/2020 16:59

Trolling occurred to me, too, but what the heck. On the chance that it's true, I replied.

I find it amusing that some people think that you must have been cheated on in order to see that cheating is wrong and find it disgusting and infuriating! Not true.

Also not true: "falling in love" means you MUST pursue the relationship and have sex. If you truly love someone, you'd want them to do the right thing, not lower themselves to the level of a sordid affair. We live in a time and place where a divorce is easily obtained. There's no excuse for cheating.

If the PP who gave the backstory is correct, OP's behaviour has been even more shocking that the original post suggested. No sympathy. You reap what you sow, etc., etc. Next time, respect yourself and find a man who's not married.

TragedyHands · 19/11/2020 17:06

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AryaStarkWolf · 19/11/2020 17:12

Well he didn't "go back" to his wife if he never left her in the first place

YoniAndGuy · 19/11/2020 17:13

You say he didn't want to hurt her, but you watched and experienced him choosing to hurt her, to deceive her, to gaslight her, every day for a year.

So he did want to. He had the choice of being faithful or hurting her, and he chose to hurt her so that he could have sex with you.

You know the saying - judge on actions not on words. You've had a lucky escape, because he's a piece of shit. And if you were smarter you'd have known he was a piece of shit the moment he smirked 'I'm married... but it's over really' blah blah, and you'd have walked away.

So, you know, this is your chance to choose to be smarter in future. People who lie to the people they're supposed to love are pieces of shit, and they will do the same to you.

This is also your chance to be nicer in future. Don't be that person who helps someone else be that piece of shit. Have standards. Walk away. Choose not to do shitty things.

blindinglyobviouslight · 19/11/2020 17:20

Not nice to be thought of as a skank, or slag

Bloody hell, personally I wouldn't give one flying shit what someone who calls women 'slags' thinks of me or anyone.

WokesFromHome · 19/11/2020 17:29

I find it very, very unlikely that in the cold light of day that a man is going to massively disrupt his 2 under 5's lives, leave his home and lose at least 50% of it, his pension and his assets plus future income, his friends, the respect of his peers and family.......to go play happy families with you and a child that is not his.

He went out with his wife, got engaged to her, turned up at the wedding and had 2 DC with her. It is very likely that your affair being brought to its head has shown him what he has to lose and he will try and make it work with his wife who he did love very much and probably still does.

Unfortunately you reap what you sow OP. He may be back to you OP but only if his wife kicks him out. If he does turn up at your door expect more lies about he has left her for you etc. That won't be the truth. If he wanted you, he would have left when she found out.

SoulofanAggron · 19/11/2020 17:57

Block him on everything and never speak to him again.

And learn frrom the experience- don't get involved with married/spoken for men.

I learned the hard way after numerous times. Let this be the last time for you.

BlueThistles · 19/11/2020 18:02

I don't think a person has to experience something to empathise, necessarily @BlueThistles.

Yes and Im not sure about going public either 🤔

Londonnight · 19/11/2020 18:04

No sympathy from me. My first husband had an affair for over a year and he made my life hell in that time. He took his guilt out on me without admitting he was doing anything wrong. I am sure his mistress only ever saw the "good" side of him and had no idea what he was like at home.

Make sure you don't go for a married man a second time!

emeraldcity2000 · 19/11/2020 18:06

Sounds like a horrible situation all round tbh. I think, deep down, you must have known it might end this way. I'm a little confused about how he managed to conduct an affair for a year, during which time most of the word has been largely locked down - surely his wife must have noticed something when he wasn't around when there wasn't anywhere else to be?

You mention your child - did (s)he know about the affair? What support does (s)he need now your ex has disappeared from your life? Is the father on the scene? Did the break up of that relationship leave you vulnerable to this man?

I hope you all survive this. Especially his wife who must be going through hell

RelaisBlu · 19/11/2020 18:15

I think sometimes a person having an affair does not think properly about what they potentially might lose in their marriage - they are enjoying the excitement of the clandestine sex and fool themselves the situation will never turn ugly. Then the discovery of the affair by their spouse shocks them into realising how much they have to lose.

This is the kindest interpretation possible. However, everything that has already been said about him having played you is equally likely

Sideorderofchips · 19/11/2020 18:17

Get some self respect.

Mydogmylife · 19/11/2020 18:25

@MsDogLady

OP, if I am correct, you’ve written several threads about this man. In the first you were impatient for him to leave his wife. You recently wrote that he’d been rumbled and had dropped you, so you called his wife and spilled the details.

You went into this with your eyes open. You knew he was married but made the first move the night you met because ‘sometimes you have to be selfish.’ As things progressed, you were convinced he was committed because he came around several times a week, seemed invested emotionally, and was helping you financially. Although he kept promising to leave his wife, he repeatedly moved the goalposts. Posters warned that you were headed for heartbreak and they challenged you for being complicit in hurting an innocent woman and children.

When he was recently rumbled, he asked you to lie for him. Enraged, you called his wife and told her everything. She was devastated and he was livid with you. They are still together and you can’t believe it.

You wanted him but he future faked you to get sex and attention. He possibly had an agenda to buy your silence. You sabotaged a year of your life clinging to the lies and repeated empty promises of a married man. Use this as a valuable learning experience.

My advice is to seek the support of counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and boundaries and to learn positive coping strategies. Examine your self-destructive choices, as well as the selfishness that led you to pursue an unavailable man and your willingness to harm innocent people.

Well op , if all this is true and I have no reason to doubt msdoglady, you really are a piece of work! I'm not usually judgmental but you really went for this big time and then are amazed when you get dumped. Hopefully it's lesson learned and I'm afraid I have no sympathy at all.
SoulofanAggron · 19/11/2020 18:26

There's nothing wrong with women being angry. Society tries to make women be 'nice' and our anger is frowned upon. But there's nothing wrrong with justified and understandable anger.

I also think it can help an OP as it helps get through to them that their behaviour was not ok and increases their determination to not do it again.

@conb123 Also, keep reading the Relationships board, all the women who's husbands have cheated on them etc. It will help you see it from women's perspectives. His wife is a fellow woman and you have done stuff to hurt her when you shouldn't have.

And no, I'm not bitter and twisted as a result of being cheated on- that's not been my experience much. I am perfectly reasonably angry at all the sleazy men, including many who used me and treated me with disrespect.

Raise the bar @conb123 and bin wankers as soon as you have any contact with them. That is asserting your worth to yourself. Start by permanently blocking him on everything if you haven't already.

You can enjoy the journey of finding a new way of looking at life. This year has been a revelation to me.

One of the things I'm doing in therapy at the moment is trying to get over the hate. Grin

buttcrackmcheese · 19/11/2020 18:31

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ladymuck111 · 19/11/2020 18:32

Karma is a bitch isn't it?

Another 'bitter' woman here. After being cheated on more than once, gaslighted when I had suspicions and made to feel like I was out of order, I'm afraid I have zero sympathy for you.

Move on, find someone who is honest and values you. Or end up with him and find yourself being cheated on further down the line.

Meili47 · 19/11/2020 18:35

@TragedyHands

Well, he is never ging to leave her, he'll give it a while and be like a rat up a drainpipe with some other skank. Not nice to be thought of as a skank, or slag. Try finding a free one next time, there's more to life than a dick.
It's the 21st century stop referring other women as skanks and slags
TragedyHands · 19/11/2020 18:54

Meili47
They are skanks and slags if they go after married men whatever the century. A bit different if the woman has no idea, but to knowingly do it, I can't think of a better description
HTH

HappyDooDaaa · 19/11/2020 18:55

I call BS on this post. Someone attention seeking or bored. Either way, hope you've been entertained OP!

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