Friend and my DH

[BananasAreEvil1]

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

Mary's behaviour was so out of character and in light of the fact she was commenting about his appearance she clearly wanted any excuse to contact him.

I agree with everyone that has said she is no friend. Do not feel bad, op. And don't allow Mary to make you feel bad. She's been rumbled and that is clear as day. Of course she isnt going to hold her hands up and say "ok, you got me".

There's a reason she doesn't tend to hold onto friends...

I didn’t say the op was wrong. I also didn’t say she was right. I said right now it was unclear.

It is irrelevant either way

Either Mary was going after the ops husband and the friendship is right to end, or she was not and the friendship is right to end because the op thinks she’d do that.

It doesn’t matter. The end result is the same. The friendship is over. There is no way back from this, irrelevant of the truth of the situation.

I think you did well with that reply op, I also think you'll be able to tell a lot by her reply.

I don't agree that OP made any accusations, she's simply 1) said she didn't think the friend used SM on the topic of adding DH and then said that 2) she doesn't like the messaging seeing as she likes to keep her relationship and friendship separate, and the friend has previously been quite negative about DH.

If her friend chooses to read into that as an accusation of homewrecking (or however you want to phrase it) thats on her. If any of my friends started messaging anyone they previously expressed a dislike for with no obvious reason for a change in their tune I'd wonder what was happening there.

Whatever the reason Mary did all that, no one would believe its out of being friendly. She specifically said she wouldn't message him again and then did just that. Quite possibly she's not making a play for DH, but is she fuck just being friendly

I just don’t understand how it got to this. Yesterday, irrelevant of the hysteria on here, your responses were calm and reasonable. It read like you could read through the bullshit and see both sides of what could be occurring at that there was room for doubt.

You wanted to take time to think about it and not be spiteful and hurtful

Since them she’s asked your husband if she’s upset you, that’s it, which is not some cardinal crime, and now you’ve ran in and basically accused her of fancying your husband and ended the friendship immediately. And he’s blocked her, to give her the final kick in the head.

I really hope that your husband really is all that and a bag of chips as you both appear to think, and that she really is some man stealing bitch who doesn’t care about you, she just wants your man, as you’ve portrayed and so most posters now believe, because if you’re wrong op this is going to haunt you for a long time.

Since them she’s asked your husband if she’s upset you, that’s it, which is not some cardinal crime, and now you’ve ran in and basically accused her of fancying your husband and ended the friendship immediately. And he’s blocked her, to give her the final kick in the head.

Oh come on, you have read the description op gave of Mary's behaviour on seeing op's husband at peak fitness. She was going on about him to the point op had to say stop and then suddenly she needs to contact him about a Christmas present? Really? She never had to consult him before over the years when he was not looking his best and his muscles weren't showing under his clothes.

And of course he's all that and a bag of chips to the op, it's her husband who she clearly loves.

Thing is @Bluntness100 (and I 100% get your point about being neutral Etc etc) but we’re a million miles distant from all concerned, and knowing people for a long time gives you an insight into what’s normal, what’s out of the ordinary and what is plain fucking weird.

Dh has apparently never been a massive fan of Mary but hasn’t involved himself overly, preferring to be ‘busy’ or out of she visits. Mary has only apparently been critical of the h.

Until now.

As a fairly non assertive friend you’d be fairly forgiving but it was apparently to the point that @BananasAreEvil1 said for Mary to change the subject

That’s a long way from normal for them as friends

Our instincts are usually right, and while the original reply from Mary was odd, in that it was inferring all kinds of things about @BananasAreEvil1, the contacting of dh again does seem deliberate verging on obsessive - in as far as she couldn’t let it/dh go without one more chance for some contact.

That’s odd. Really bloody odd.

Mary clearly needs some space from Mr & Mrs Bananas.

Yes I did read the ops description on how she viewed Mary’s reaction to her husband

I am not of the opinion that asking what the op wished for Xmas or if she’d upset her is in itself a come on, but I agree when coupled with the ops description of how she was drooling over her husband then these compound the issue

I love my husband, I am not of the opinion he is all that and a bag of chips to every woman who sees him. it’s irrelevant though

The op is so convinced that Mary is drooling over her her husband and wants him that the simple act of asking what she wants for crimbo and if she had upset her has been elevated to something akin to sending naked videos.

As said though, it does not matter it’s game over. The op believes Mary was such a terrible friend that she would do this and she basically told her.

Our instincts are usually right

Not when you’re insecure and jealous. Often then they are not. And it’s best to tread carefully,

As said though it’s all irrelevant the op has killed the friendship because she believes Mary was not just the sort of woman who goes after other women’s husbands but that their friendship meant so little she was doing it to her.

I am not of the opinion he is all that and a bag of chips to every woman who sees him

The op did not suggest her husband is either, did she? She said this ONE woman was drooling all over her husband, bringing him up at every opportunity, despite being asked not to, and then contacted him for a present idea.

It was so blatant and youd be a fool to not look at all these things and feel like something was up. It was.

You did the right thing, op. She's not a friend worth having.

I agree fully rhe op thinks Mary was drooling over her husband and was going to try to steal him, that’s what’s caused her to send that message.

The fact Mary contacted Mr Bananas again - after she knew he hadn't replied to her first message or accepted her friend request speaks volumes.

Why not contact OP directly to ask if she's upset?

I think she was trying to stir an argument between Mr and Mrs B, or at least be the subject of a discussion between them.

I think she was trying to stir an argument between Mr and Mrs B, or at least be the subject of a discussion between them.

I agree, all under the guise of being so caring and concerned.

I think Mary is more of an acquaintance to you than a friend. It does sound like she's making moves on your husband. I recommend talking to her about what you have noticed about her behaviour, and communicating how it makes you feel to both her and your husband.

Maybe she doesn’t actually fancy DH. But the alternative is she’s playing some kind of game, either to boost her ego, or to make you feel insecure. None of these options is a good one.

Well done for standing up for yourself.

Mary hasn't in the entirety of my relationship with DH ever contacted before this. The only times they've spoken has been with me present.

Mary has never been shy before in asking me if I'm upset or annoyed at her or indeed telling me if I've ever upset her.

We've known each other a very long time and whilst we always ask what each would like as a gift that's more a courtesy, we know what each other likes and do well enough buying on the occasions that no suggestion is forthcoming from each other. Never has Mary ever gone to anyone else to ask for suggestions for a gift for me nor I her.

This is extremely out of character for Mary, there are other people Mary could have gone to ask suggestions if she ever needed to, we have mutual friends and she knows my sibling well and has their number etc

While of course it could be that Mr& Mrs Bananas are living up to their name, on balance, I think you're right. You don't sound controlling- there's no mention of other women throwing themselves at your DH. He doesn't sound controlling, he supports your friendships. The only thing now different is your friend's behaviour. And it has demonstrably changed from what it was before. I think your instincts are right on this one.

Most of us here believe you OP. You know what's out of character for her, and are not looking to cause a spat with her, nor are you all "hands off my man".

You simply called her out, gently, on her unusual behaviour - and her response was to contact your DH AGAIN.

She's after a one-to-one relationship with your husband that she didn't want before he lost weight. Pretty insulting, really.

Don't feel like you have to justify your actions to yourself.

Truth be told she sounds a bit of a bully, who is now trying to make you feel guilty for being asertive.

Some domineering friends can be like this, let her flounce off.

If she's that thick skinned she will come back at a later date, its up to you, not her if you wish to continue the friendship.

None of this is your fault.

Very telling also how she commented at the end of a previous message about how a man online had been coming on a bit strong! She's trying to make it look like she's not interested in your DH by talking about an imaginary someone else....

She is not your friend. You have rumbled her. Trust yourself you know something's not right and so does your DH.

Truth be told she sounds a bit of a bully, who is now trying to make you feel guilty for being asertive.

She perhaps sent the "have I upset Bananas" message to Mr B in the hopes that he would side with her and they could form a bond that way, by discussing Mrs B's over reaction.

Anyway, it's all speculation but it's clear Mary won't let this go easily.

Gosh peoole are going just too far now . This isn’t an episode of east Enders. This is someone’s life. I get it’s fun and hyperbole on a dreary nov night in lock down, but folks need to remember these are real people.

Hoping to get him on side against the op. She’s a bully, she’s got an imaginary some else.There is nothing at all to base this on. At all.

Sometimes this is the worst place to ask advice, because folks get right into it, imagine all sorts, egg the op on, and basically play a game with her life for their own entertainment.

Ok, the op thinks Mary was going after her husband, she thinks she’s the sort to do it, and she thinks asking her husband what she wished for Xmas and if she’d upset the op was proof she was trying to steal him away.

Either way the fact remains, the op thinks Mary is going after her husband and is the sort of women who tries to steal not just other women’s husbands, but even long standing friends husbands

If she’s right, then Mary is no friend. If she’s wrong. The op is no friend.

And the damage is done.

@Bluntness100

I’m sorry without further evidence I’m not going to jump on the bandwagon and hurl abuse at the friend and start telling the op to block, her ghost her whatever.

Don’t get me wrong, she might en a horrible friend, and the ops husband has turned into sex personified and the woman wants to end her friendship and steal the ops husband because he’s just so fucking hot, as some are suggesting. But right now, I’m not jumping on that bandwagon. They have been friends for years. If there is an alternate view that may be correct it’s worth exploring.

Sorry op that was to blacksax

I hurled no such abuse and did not tell the OP 'to block, her ghost her whatever'. Nor have I jumped on any bandwagons. So I'm puzzled as to why you aimed this post at me, because I said nothing like that at all.

Right ok @Bluntness100 the damage to the friendship is done either way, we get that. Why do you keep coming on here to say the same thing over and over? You don't have anything constructive to say. Nobody is 'egging' the OP on. It's not as if anyone is telling the OP to burn Mary's house down is it.