Friend and my DH

[BananasAreEvil1]

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

@greyhills

Mary can be quite confrontational although it's never usually directed towards me

Perhaps that is because she's never had a reason to be confrontational towards you before. I predict that this might change in the near future.

She's trying to cosy up to your DH (hence the fishy Christmas present message) and she's really not going to like it if she thinks she is being thwarted in her objective.

This is what I posted on Tuesday.

I was right, wasn't I?

Op, could she have been impressed with the change in him, purely from a fitness perspective, or could she have been trying ro motivate you?

I know there are women like this, but it’s very rare a friend makes it clear to you she wants to shag your husband then goes after him as is being suggested.

Don’t get me wrong, if you’re sure that is what she’s doing, then ok, you’d know. But I’m les willing to vicariously enjoy this like some other posters.

@Bluntness100

Op, could she have been impressed with the change in him, purely from a fitness perspective, or could she have been trying ro motivate you?

I know there are women like this, but it’s very rare a friend makes it clear to you she wants to shag your husband then goes after him as is being suggested.

Don’t get me wrong, if you’re sure that is what she’s doing, then ok, you’d know. But I’m les willing to vicariously enjoy this like some other posters.

She may not have realised quite how clear she was making it, and I doubt very much it was deliberate. Some people can be blithely tactless.

There is no vicarious enjoyment as far as I can see - people are trying to help the OP here.

@Bluntness100 Mary hasn't ever knowingly gone for someone who has a partner before, so it's genuinely not something I'd expect of her. She can be overly flirty with males including other friends partners but has never been like that with DH, he's never been her type, in fact he was very far from his type, again though half the time I don't believe Mary would even realise that it was inappropriate or that she was flirting, it's just how she has always been.

I'm not sure Mary even realised how much she was discussing or commenting on DH appearance and physique if I'm honest. I laughed the first few times and then eventually joked that we could stop talking about DH.

I joined a socially distanced running club a few months ago and do that a few times a week to try lose weight/get in shape. Mary knows this as she is a runner and I've discussed it a few times so I don't think it was an attempt to motivate me unfortunately.

But nor do I really feel it's been done with the intention of pouncing on DH to put it poorly. She has been lonely during lockdown the first and second one and I don't think she realised how much she was talking about DH, I can't explain the message to him or suddenly adding DH on social media but I do know I don't want to create a drama over it.

Regardless if there are some red flags in the friendship I've chosen to ignore them for my own reasons and it has been a very long friendship one which would be very painful if it were to just suddenly end now. I can gently pull back at the moment under the cover of covid without hurting Mary to give the friendship some space until I figure out if I want to continue as we were, end the friendship or continue it but put stronger boundaries in place.

I’m sorry without further evidence I’m not going to jump on the bandwagon and hurl abuse at the friend and start telling the op to block, her ghost her whatever.

Don’t get me wrong, she might en a horrible friend, and the ops husband has turned into sex personified and the woman wants to end her friendship and steal the ops husband because he’s just so fucking hot, as some are suggesting. But right now, I’m not jumping on that bandwagon. They have been friends for years. If there is an alternate view that may be correct it’s worth exploring.

Sorry op that was to blacksax.

Yeah I'm with @Bluntness100 that it's an overreaction to hang the friend on this one thing.

Personally I wouldn't end the friendship but I would draw a boundary now. I also don't believe she is trying to steal him but there is something going on here. She is trying to get something from him; validation / attention.

Ten years is a long time to not get on with someone. Changing your opinion of someone when they change their appearance is the very definition of shallowness.

I have a friend who really pushed my boundaries with my partner. I also don't think she was trying to steal him but she was trying to get something from him - a validation that if they had met first he would have wanted to date her. It's exhausting and upsetting. It's all done under the guise of being friends with both of us (he never responds), a shared hobby of theirs (not an unusual one) and a bit of damsel in distress.

This is why I would not back down now if I were you because I sat in upset silence with her and it niggled at me then caused rows between me and him. He was very annoyed because he was doing nothing to warrant any of it and said he would quite happily tell her to f off but I didnt want that either.

Once I found my voice I felt much better about it all -

Why do you keep asking him to meet you alone for your shared hobby, he's been saying no for five years now and you both have plenty of other people to do it with. (Plus I have said I wouldn't be comfortable with that and you have persisted regardless).
Why are you asking for makeup because you don't want my partner seeing you without lipstick? He doesn't look at you like that. (And refusing to laugh along at the 'joke')
No he won't be coming over to your house to do DIY, why do you keep asking? We have plenty to do in our own home.

She retreated after the last time and hasn't asked again. I didn't hear from her for months which was most unusual. I didn't reach out because as far as I was concerned I had made my point clearly now and she was still welcome to be my friend but not to undermine my relationship.

Thanks for replying with the reasons why your DH doesn't like her OP. Sounds like he had the measure of her a long time ago. I've had friends like that in the past. I was always the one they came running to when they had a crisis but when I got quite ill and couldn't keep up with the lifestyle of going out etc, I barely saw or heard from them. My H at the time saw through them too, although like yours he never encouraged me to drop them and I didn't know his full opinion until I did drop them.

@ReneeRol

Bluntness, stop gaslighting. The OP has eyes, she can see how someone is behaving in front of her. She knows everybody involved and she appears very reasonable, normal and stable.

Don't judge everybody by your own standards. Maybe you can't read body language and context and don't understand how others can. Or maybe you just get enraged when people see through your own inappropriate behaviour. Whichever it is you're projecting and trying to gaslight the OP.

We're responding to her, assuming that she's a normal, intelligent woman who can see what's in front of her, as most women are.

@ReneeRol

good post, no disrespect to Bluntness we all have our points of view and take on the situation but the op's comments seem measured and logical.

Op I think we've all had a Mary in our lives, good when your 18 and clubbing but strangely always having short lived relationships with men.

It maybe me but I think your wise to re evaluate your ralationship with her.

You can't like everyone, you are allowed to make judgement.

I hadn't messaged Mary back as I wanted to take my time to consider what I wanted to say. It isn't unusual for there to be a day or so between responses on both sides.

Mary has however messaged DH again this morning asking if she has upset me. I hadn't told DH to block her as it felt a bit petty and heavy handed however DH has told me that he responded saying "I think you should speak to Bananas" and then blocked her.

I have since messaged Mary something along the lines of " Mary I'm not sure how to say this so I'm going to be blunt. Since you saw DH on X you've been quite over the top talking about him and his appearance etc and it made me uncomfortable especially as prior to this his appearance has never been discussed and usually on the rare occasion you mention DH it's not usually in complementary terms, that's been compounded by you adding him on social media and messaging him after all these years especially when you don't use SM. I understand this may sound like I'm throwing accusations but I'm not, I really just wanted to clear the air and put it out there that it's making me feel uncomfortable and I would prefer that you tone it down and don't message DH directly, I prefer to keep our friendship separate from my relationship with DH"

Mary has read it but not responded

The next time she mentions him when you're speaking to her:
" Why are you so obsessed with my husband all of a sudden?"
That should nip it in the bud.
And as for the friendship, well and truly done with.

Well done on being direct and honest. I agree that there could be multiple reasons for her behaviour, but really all that matters is that its making you uncomfortable and your DH doesnt like it either so if its a valued friendship she should accept that and move on

Let us know what she replies! My bet is that she will be very annoyed!

Good for you op. Direct and calm. Do you feel better?

She definitely feels a bit caught out. It seems very off to message your DH to ask what the issue is, when they've never had that kind of contact before. And it's not uncommon to go a few days not replying. Also, at no point in your initial message did it seem you were having a go at her about DH.

I think, she just wanted validation from your DH. Forgetting that he's not just some random man she can get that from, but your DH whom she has ignored for your entire relationship. It's exactly as my friend did - she sees any attractive man as a challenge, to feel superior to me that 'look, I can still have him: but I'm such a good friend, I won't'.

The disparity in relationship status can be a HUGE sticking point between friends. She's probably only been ok with it thus far, as you had a lot of problems and she never fancied him. But your DH is not some experiment for her to get a self esteem boost from.

Take space. Don't get caught in a catfight with her. Time is a healer, she'll either realise she's being cheeky, or your friendship will cool.

Good lord, Mary won't take a hint, will she? Was she expecting a cosy little chat with your DH about you?

Excellent response from you, OP.

All this drama must be quite upsetting

She was desperate to get a reaction from him. Your message will allow her to convince herself that you're jealous and the only reason he's not giving her attention is because of you.

Would have been far better if your husband ignored her and blocked, while you sent a message telling her that she's creeping your husband out as she appears obsessed.

You should have turned it all on her and made her squirm.

@Isthisnothing I feel physically sick now I've come out with it. I was like jelly typing and send the message whilst pacing around the room.

I don't feel good or relieved having said it.

I really don't like confrontation of any kind and I know Mary can be quite confrontational, I've seen it directed at other friends at times when I've had to step in and calm it down so I'm not really anticipating a measured response back

@ReneeRol I agree 100%

I don’t see how the pair of you can come back from this. The friend ship is over.

Either you’re right and she wishes to steal your husband and so it’s right the friendship ended,

Or you’re wrong and she was just being friendly and this is a heinous accusation (and it is an accusation ) so it’s right the friendship ended.

On top of this your husband has blocked her.

It’s game over. Either it was her at fault or you and your husband. It doesn’t matter. The friendship is over for ever.

I wouldn't have bothered with that last text. You dont need to tell a lion chewing on your leg that its chewing on your leg. It knows. It also doesnt give a shit that you don't like it.

She'll only try and make out that you are paranoid now. Or you'll get a 'how could you think that about me after all I've done for you? Clearly you dont trust me' blah blah and made into the baddy.

Ha, fair play OP. Doubt she expected that. Hopefully she's mortified !

You wrote a really good reply. If she wanted to know if she'd upset you she could've picked up the phone and asked you.

Who gives a fuck if she thinks Bananas is jealous. She herself said she won’t contact dh again because she realises it annoyed *Bananas. And then did that exact thing

So she contacted him again in the supposed knowledge that it wasn’t welcome and that was causing an annoyance

The ONLY place that message should have been sent was to Bananas “Have I upset you?”

She has made her intentions very fucking clear.

@BananasAreEvil1 I know you valued this friendship, that it’s long etc etc, but she brings NOTHING to it! Worse, now she’s actively working to destabilise your family/marriage/relationship

You may not be ending this friendship, but she definitely is.

Please don’t lose any sleep over this.

@Bluntness100 I often agree with you on many things and I too like to look at situations from the other side to double check and clarify potential areas for confusion

And I was holding a small hope in my mind that @BananasAreEvil1 WAS mistaken, that it was all
Overactive imaginations etc etc but then DH himself is saying that this whole situation is off, that Mary isn’t right in what’s happening and has long maintained that she’s not much of a friend.

This last message really does show that Mary isn’t thinking of @BananasAreEvil1, she’s going for MrBananas knowing that it’s caused a bump already

Agreed the friendship is toast, but it’s Mary that’s toasted it.