Friend and my DH

[BananasAreEvil1]

I feel a bit silly for posting and have NC for it. Full disclosure for a number of reasons I don't have great self esteem at the moment and feel more than a little insecure (I'm working on this) so I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or not.

I have a friend let's call her Mary. She has been my friend for many years before I met DH. Our lives are very different from each other and we're very different and although we speak regularly we don't see each other more than a few times a year. Mary and my DH aren't friends. They're polite to each other but I know they don't rate the other so my relationships are kept separate.

A few weeks ago Mary and I were doing an activity together. DH dropped me off and got out of the car with our DC to say hello to Mary.

Mary commented about how much weight DH had lost and how he looked very different from the last time she saw him around 18 months ago. DH said thanks and we went on our way.

However Mary spent the several hours at the activity talking about DH, how good he looked, how she could tell he had been working out, how his clothing looked against his muscles etc.

I laughed it off and said several times ok ok can we stop talking about my DH. Mary has never commented on DH appearance before and I know previously he wasn't her type, however he probably is more her type now that he's made massive lifestyle changes and is at peak fitness.

The conversation kept being brought round to my DH by Mary and I became very uncomfortable but just didn't know how to address it.

When DH came to collect me Mary made a beeline for the car and opened his door to make small talk again something that's never happened before.

Since then Mary has brought up DH in most calls or messages, asking how he is what he's doing etc. All unusual for Mary.

DH has today called from work to tell me that Mary has added him on social media. He isn't aware of the comments so was puzzled. Mary also very rarely uses social media. Mary has since messaged DH on social media asking if he can give advice on what to get me for Christmas.

The increased attention from Mary towards DH makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don't know if I'm silly for feeling like this and should just let it go and try to get feelings of being uncomfortable out of my head and be grateful that it seems Mary haw thawed towards DH.

So can I put it to the MN jury?

Mary has been rumbled.

The first thing I'd do would be to tell your husband to block her on social media.

You don't know what messages she could be sending him. He may not be attracted to her now but if she's being flirtatious with him then this could be something he starts to enjoy!

Don’t reply. Her message was very passive aggressive. Calling you annoyed?!! You didn’t say that at all. She’s very manipulative and needs to be gone.

Your husband definitely needs to block her. It will send a clear message to Mary that he doesn't want any communication with her now or in the future.
My advice would be to start ghosting her. Start to pull away from her. Make excuses not to see her. Friends like her, who needs enemies.

I bet Mary is on here and has read this thread hence her answer

Wow ! What a desperate sod . I'd be telling her where to go ! She's only saying about the Xmas presant as an excuse to get in to conversation . She's thinks more of her fanny than you .

Just reply:

"Actually, it's annoyed DH not me, as he doesn't see you the way I do. Take care x"

The follow up message is trying to make you guilt trip because she's guilty . If I had nothing to hide and was really only messaging your husband about a gift no way would I think you were annoyed that I had messaged your husband. She's knows now your husband isn't interested and didn't think he would tell you about her adding him 😂 she only mentioned the kids too to make you think what you are thinking now . Guilt . And only mentioned another man to make you think that she isn't at all interested in your husband

@SummerWhisper

Just reply:

"Actually, it's annoyed DH not me, as he doesn't see you the way I do. Take care x"

Love this reply !

I do think that Mary's appreciation of DH is strangely OTT

Ask her to stop. Tell her it's weirding DH out

THAT is when you'll know if she's a friend or not

Act accordingly - get rid of her if she continues to contact him after you have asked her to stop

Having read tft....

It reads to me that the lightbulb has gone on in your head about this lady. Shes not, as your husband says, a very good friend.

I'd let the friendship drift now. Avoid meeting up for Xmas. Avoid calls. Maybe, to help it slide away over time, respond little and later.

But she's overstepped the mark and shown herself. She doesn't sound to have been that good a friend in the first place.

X

Her message is all about her and poor paranoid, annoyed you.

And as for I thought DH might know what you actually would like

Surely a 'friend' would know what you like?

I have never asked an adult what they would like for Xmas, its weird.

I never like these threads

You write it in a way that it is impossible to come to any other conclusion than your mate is after your husband. Because that’s what you think.

And of course posters will egg you on.

It reads to me like this woman is your friend, she was doing what she was saying, and I’m doubtful she spent so long talking about your husbands muscles and how his shirt clung to him so seductively. I suspect you’ve bigged that up in yout head.

In addition your husband has been looking to kill this friendship from the start, which is controlling. Due to your insecurities that every woman might fancy him and he will leave you, you’re now willing to kill your own friendship

It’s a shame. As said, the way you wrote this it was impossible for anyone to believe anything other than your friend was some desperate woman trying to steal your husband, because fundamentally that’s what you believe.

I really think instead of killing friendships, you should focus on dealing with your own insecurities and jealousy. Your husband will be around women. Doesn’t matter how many friendships you kill. If he’s going to cheat, or is cheating then you can’t stop it by trying to remove any woman from his vicinity.

I do think it is best to distance though, because if this is just insecurity making you think your friend is actually trying to steal your husband openly and in front of you, then you’re no friend of hers. It’s a terrible thing to think.

However if she is, then she’s a terrible friend

The former is more likely than the latter.

@Onthedunes

'There's something about Mary'

and it's not good!

Morals of an alleycat, not up to your standard, remove from your life and don.t feel guilty.

Responses like this are because this is how you have portrayed your friend.

Bluntness100 I disagree with your stance. The husband said his piece and then left her to it.

Bluntness, stop gaslighting. The OP has eyes, she can see how someone is behaving in front of her. She knows everybody involved and she appears very reasonable, normal and stable.

Don't judge everybody by your own standards. Maybe you can't read body language and context and don't understand how others can. Or maybe you just get enraged when people see through your own inappropriate behaviour. Whichever it is you're projecting and trying to gaslight the OP.

We're responding to her, assuming that she's a normal, intelligent woman who can see what's in front of her, as most women are.

I think Mary's reply was the most telling out of all of this. She inadvertently dobbed herself in it by answering questions that weren't actually asked - perhaps due to her own guilty conscience?

OP I said it further upthread, but I don't think you were being paranoid at all, and you approached and dealt with this spectacularly. You've listened to all the advice on here and from DH and come to your own conclusions. It would have been quite easy to overreact and send a spiteful message but you handled it very diplomatically but assertively.

Well done OP, you've earned yourself a big glass of wine

@Bluntness100 I appreciate your input and take on the situation.

I do however have to say that DH hasn't ever tried to kill the friendship. If I've asked for his opinion on Mary or a specific incident DH will give it but it's never offered otherwise. He's never asked me to consider stop seeing or being friends with Mary nor would he ever. DH would make himself scarce if Mary would come to the house, if I were to ask him to come to an event Mary would be attending he would just as he's gone to dinner with Mary and her than boyfriend because I asked. All of which is done without complaint or objection. I may not have a lot of friends but DH doesn't have issues with any of the rest of them. So I'm quite certain DH hasn't tried to interfere in my friendship.

It's probably considered a massive drip feed but I'm only one of a few friends Mary has that's stuck around through the years. Mary makes friends easily but she also burns through them easily for various reasons.

I do have insecurities, some of them stem from DH now being in shape and me still being very overweight but I certainly don't think every women fancies him or is after him, nor has DH ever insinuated that they are or that he's interested in anyone else.

I'm also certain of how much Mary has mentioned DH and his appearance. Mary never brings up DH usually so that in itself was unusual. I've written it as it is but as I said in my OP I have esteem issues and a number of things have made me insecure at the moment which is why I wasn't sure if I was making a big deal of this in my head when it really wasn't.

I still haven't replied to Mary. I want the distance to decide how to proceed. I will reply to her, I couldn't and wouldn't ghost her so I'll be pulling away slowly as I don't want to be spiteful or hurt her.

I just haven't decided what to respond yet but it won't involve meeting up anytime in the foreseeable future even taking covid out of the relationship

@Bluntness100 ... Mary, is that you???

Trust YOUR gut each and every time.

It wasn’t just her words and actions - she has shown herself to be the slippery type who can slither and gaslight.

But she has left you “confused” and “unsettled” - because of her covert behaviours and words - but you KNOW it because you FELT it.

Trust more in yourself.

I am not at all surprised that she makes and breaks friendships frequently. Others sense her selfishness and move on - just ask yourself why are you “last man standing”?

Who taught you to “people please”? What difficult individuals were you seeking validation from in your childhood by being placid / accommodating etc?

People pleasing just leads you in to a “consent and resent” cycle of inner anger and frustration. You agree to stuff you don’t want to do (consent) but internally this eats away at you (resent). Too exhausting to live this way.

Emotionally detach from her in your head and take some time to be proud that you have done something fundamentally different for you today.

@Sssloou

Trust YOUR gut each and every time.

It wasn’t just her words and actions - she has shown herself to be the slippery type who can slither and gaslight.

But she has left you “confused” and “unsettled” - because of her covert behaviours and words - but you KNOW it because you FELT it.

Trust more in yourself.

I am not at all surprised that she makes and breaks friendships frequently. Others sense her selfishness and move on - just ask yourself why are you “last man standing”?

Who taught you to “people please”? What difficult individuals were you seeking validation from in your childhood by being placid / accommodating etc?

People pleasing just leads you in to a “consent and resent” cycle of inner anger and frustration. You agree to stuff you don’t want to do (consent) but internally this eats away at you (resent). Too exhausting to live this way.

Emotionally detach from her in your head and take some time to be proud that you have done something fundamentally different for you today.

Great post.

OP, you sound utterly reasonable.

As does your husband.

He actually sounds considerate by getting out the way to avoid someone he really doesn't want to be around and not making it difficult for you.

[quote Periclement43]@Bluntness100 ... Mary, is that you??? [/quote]
😂😂😂😂 I thought the same too

I have only read your posts @BananasAreEvil1 so I am sorry if I am repeating people but I find her reply to you quite strange.

IMO you didn't sound at all annoyed with her about her contacting your dh. Your message to her was entirely polite and reasonable. Her saying " it obviously annoyed you me contacting dh" shows her guilt IMO.

I am glad you are going to create some space. Your dh sounds lovely .