I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

@Amimissingsomethinghere please don't feel the need to apologise. You wouldn't be posting if you were 100% happy with your situation.

On the surface, it sounds as if you lead a charmed life. You sound so sad and lonely though. I think you should look into getting some kind of work outside the home - you don't have to return to teaching. You could work a few hours a week or a couple of night shifts perhaps. It would give you time away from the situation you're in, you'd meet other people, you might find your anxiety lessens.

Forget about teaching OP, file it away as the 'past'. I think you probably need something that will get you out of the house (lockdown allowing) on the days that your DC is at nursery.

If money isn't a particular issue then volunteering a couple of days a week will allow you to meet more people and get some experience outside of what you have trained to do. It won't be long before your DC is at school five days a week and you really will need to think about doing something for your own development/career.

Your set up is very balanced, and I don't think that anyone with small children would ever dream of expecting the working partner to get up in the night or with the DC in the morning, but it does sound like you need the opportunity to do something that will help your confidence and hopefully give you some skills for when you do return to the workplace.

What would happen if you did have a day to yourself doing nothing @Amimissingsomethinghere?

More than reasonable OP.... you are obviously fortunate enough to have a cleaner for 3 hours and even have the money to afford daycare while you are at home.

It sounds like your DH works hard and contributes to child caring when he can. Unless you decide to go back to work then I think it's equally fine for him to expect these things of you.

I am with your DH. Your life sounds amazing!

Op have you sought medical help? It seems you need to speak to your doctor, being scared of having a job is not healthy or normal. It also appears from your op you’d rather do less in the home too if you could justify it

Coming up with business ideas is just a way of stalling for time, it’s a game. I guess your husband isn’t so happy either right now?

It’s ok to have mental health problems, it’s not ok to let them impact those around you and do nothing about it. So if you’re not seeking help you need to pick up the phone to your gp.

I think the only way for true balance is both parents working the same number of hours for the same pay, with both partners doing 50/50 with the house. Pre children, it normally is the case for most couples.

Problem is, many women are paid considerably less than men. Still. So, inevitably, the woman's career/job takes a back seat. After all, it makes financial sense. So, whether she works part -time, not at all and whether her support network is good or poor or her physical or mental health is good or poor, the guilt creeps in.

Sometimes, we feel it in ourselves. If we can't contribute financially, we, quite rightly, need to contribute in other ways but here's the problem. How much 'other contribution' do we have to make to address the balance in terms of lack of salary? In terms of childcare and home admin, how much would be enough? Does it really mean we have to do EVERYTHING???? Potentially, this can be any time of the day or night, however we might be feeling in ourselves (i.e. exhausted, overwhelmed, physically unwell with the latest bug going round)?

I am just a bit worried that not working, not earning enough and so on is seen as needing to pay one's penance, whereas I think homemaking and childcare needs to be approached as a team.

Of course, for the sake of pragmatism, the one home the most does more but the point is, it shouldn't be seen as a duty (or else himself won't be happy). Nor should it mean that DH never gets up in the night, gets up early, cooks dinner, cleans the toilet.

After all, back in the day when both partners worked, cooking dinner and cleaning wasn't a problem, was it, even though, presumably, he worked full time then and, at the time, the empty, childfree house generated far less to do.

I'm sorry but I don't think you'll find a huge amount of support from NM's here.

I don't disagree with your LO being in nursery 2 days a week;your a teacher;you understand the importance of such settings for social development etc

But you need to make a decision;you live a very privileged lifestyle most mums can only dream of.You can either suck it up and learn to manage your time better or think about working on the 2 days your LO is in nursery.With only 3 of you in the house,your LO not there 2 days a week,your husband not being there a chunk of the time and a cleaner;how much housework do you have to do?

@Amimissingsomethinghere as a bit of a tangent, please don't fall into a MLM trap! You'd be ripe for it right now.

I don't think you have enough to do, truth be told. Having empty hours and not much purpose is depressing and alienating, and hiding from work in being a SAHM is likely to entrench your anxiety rather than help it, to the extent that it may become disabling.

I think you need structure, social contact, intellectual challenge and less time to think about yourself. You don't have to go back to work asap but you need to start volunteering, or studying remotely, or setting goals for yourself around fitness, or SOMETHING. Something where you work hard and have to talk to people and be accountable to them and it makes you think about stuff other than your child and your house and your anxiety. And if necessary, maybe some counselling.

I would be inclined to get a job, even part-time for your own sanity. We both work full time hours (I'm flexible and self employed) and both chip in with the housework etc. It makes a great team. I would certainly not pay nursery fees while you are at home. That's your job - to work full time at home.

I feel for you, you sounds so unhappy. Kindly I suggest you speak to your GP and health team.

In terms of job, as you are trained but not wishing to continue with the pressure of teaching consider being a TA or similar .... Pretty much school hours, term time so when your little one goes to school this fits in nicely.
New businesses take a lot of time, energy and desire which at the moment you don't appear to have.

In the meantime a routine when little one is at nursery might help you feel like you have some you time / time out and still get everything done xx

I think your husband is totally reasonable, why is your son in nursery why your at home, why not wait for the three year old grant and save some money? I’m a SAHM, we don’t have abroad holidays, I think your a bit spoiled if you think your husband should do anymore than he already is.

OP, I had health anxiety and just had to go back to work to the point I was panicking in the car while driving daily. I almost had a breakdown but I stayed in work. I had CBT which worked.

I don’t think you have enough to do, truth be told. Having empty hours and not much purpose is depressing and alienating. I think you need structure, social contact, intellectual challenge and less time to think about yourself.

Yes – definitely.

I think working in a school could be an issue right now if you have health anxiety, though.

If you did want to work, maybe online tutoring or something would increase your self-esteem.

OP, those two nursery days, you need to be working. Look for a SEN/support role where you can do one to one or groups. The money is less important than investing in your future employability. It's also your safety net in case things go tits up.

Having taught for two decades, I'm not surprised you are afraid to go back. The workload, the stress, the expectations ... so 'no' to whole class teaching, and 'yes' to a role that suits you for now.

Have a good read through 'Relationships' and you'll see that letting employment slide is one of the worst mistakes women make.

Reading your post honestly made me cringe. Most working parents do all that and work full time and I do feel sorry for your husband that you are genuinely asking strangers whether he should be doing more?
I agree with others you probably don't have enough to do to occupy yourself? Why not try volunteering- there are lots of charities at the moment needing support

I agree. Men turn into their fathers as soon as maternity leave starts

Wow! Think you must live near me loads of Mum's stressed staying at home whilst having the cleaning/gardening/ironing done for them. Sounds very easy to me.

the thought of a job scares me and I don't know why

Because it's been nearly 3 years. Of course it feels scary and the alternative feels easier, but the reality is that it's exacerbating your fear and will do the longer you leave it. At least try the volunteering suggested or (post-lockdown) some small non-career job not for the money but just to take away that fear and get some sense of yourself again. It sounds like you could spiral if you leave it much longer. You sound totally disempowered e.g. with the little business ideas that don't seem to come together. It's like you have no sense of agency and are pinning your sense of purpose on things neither you nor DH really value - if he's fine with a jacket potato, let him have that while you do something that gives you more sense of accomplishment.

Agree with other posters, you need more structure to your days and so a part time job or volunteer work might be a good idea.

Well apart from saying a lie in at weekend would be good and your DH could get up with your child,. I dont know what else to say. Having 2 days off to yourself must be amazing and I think its fair for your DH to expect most of the household stuff done, though he should still do stuff at weekends.

Perhaps you could do some volunteer work or start a business as you say.

I hope you see you are a in great position of freedom!

OP you really do have it good. Fair enough if you don’t want to work and don’t have to. The only thing I’d say on that is that you as a couple are putting all of your eggs into one basket career-wise and at a v unstable time. A lot of schools can offer subsidised childcare onsite to staff which is a huge perk of the job and gives the little one some routine variation. But if your hearts not in it, don’t go down that route. You are certainly NOT hard done by though with the current status quo!!!!!