I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

Also, you say you're exhausted. I wonder if it's worth speaking to your GP to establish if you're depressed?

@Coffeepot72

I don’t think you have enough to do, truth be told. Having empty hours and not much purpose is depressing and alienating. I think you need structure, social contact, intellectual challenge and less time to think about yourself.

Yes – definitely.

Reading the ops other posts I think this may be accurate, she’s lonely and bored. They don’t live in a big house. Nursery is because she needed a break, her husband obvs isn’t working abroad any more, but used to. Her son sleeps through the night but was waking early. Not sure if this is resolved.

I suspect the op was going to use this thread as a way to prove to her husband she does too much, or should do less, and it’s not worked out like that.

I would also think that not having enough to do is the fundamental issue here.

@Amimissingsomethinghere

I can't really read all these responses.

I actually see the views from both sides , people saying I am entitled etc. Maybe I am. I do struggle a bit - the thought of a job scares me and I don't know why.

I actually do want to work but I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back into teaching. I keep coming up with little business ideas and then they just don't seem to come together.

I do want to contribute to the relationship and I can't do that financially so I try and prove it by being super organised in the house.

I am also sorry if I have been insensitive, I didn't mean to be and for that I am truly sorry.

I genuinely thought your original post was possibly a joke/gloat but this comment seems quite sad, I’m not sure what else your DH can do physically as he is obviously exhausting himself with work but hopefully he will help you get the emotional help you need, but please do try to get some help from the GP at least (or even to start talk through with someone like Samaritans, sometimes just getting things off your chest to a non-judgemental ear is a big help).

Op, I think you sound really sad and possibly depressed?
Yes there is no denying your life sounds incredibly charmed but I’d be bored ridged!
You seem to lack purpose and direction.
In your two child free days I’d look at increasing exercise which will undoubtedly help your anxiety, maybe try some counselling and then look at work opportunities.

Do you really want my opinion ?

I am a single parent key worker ( frontline health ) and have no cleaner or child free days. I had cancer and ongoing health problems so actual real life threatening health problems and not ‘health anxiety’

How I wish my life was as stress free as yours . I don’t trust myself to say anything else . I really don’t .

Your post has made me feel more shit about my own life .

I think the replies here show how undervalued being a mother is in society. It can be tedious and relentless and it is hard work being in charge of a toddler. Sending children to nursery and going out to work in a job can often be easier than staying at home.

Your setup doesn't sound unfair to me though - but I think on your days off you should try and spend some of the time to do something for you. Whether that is working, a hobby, going for a walk or watching TV or meeting a friend (lockdown rules permitting).
Do you do things as a family at the weekend?

@HRHPP I am guessing you aren't a healthcare worker that works in MH? Or hope not anyway!

Hi op. This thread is Mumsnet at its worst.

I don't have a cleaner, I do 90% of childcare, I work 3 days in a demanding job that spills into every day.

To me, your life sounds like my idea of hell. My 'work days' are my easy days. I just have to sit in front of a computer and get the job done. I am motivated and professional.

I think you need to find the right balance for you. It might be a job but it might be a sport or a hobby or a group.

I don't know why people don't understand that the 'privileged' don't necessarily have a charmed life and can be deeply unhappy.

@HRHPP

Do you really want my opinion ?

I am a single parent key worker ( frontline health ) and have no cleaner or child free days. I had cancer and ongoing health problems so actual real life threatening health problems and not ‘health anxiety’

How I wish my life was as stress free as yours . I don’t trust myself to say anything else . I really don’t .

Your post has made me feel more shit about my own life .

I'm really, genuinely sorry for how tough things have been for you, but I think you're taking things out on the wrong target here. I genuinely think a big part of OP's problem here is that her life is too easy. That probably sounds like a ridiculous concept to you, but it's very real. Most people genuinely do poorly with an overly "easy" life, because people need purpose and activity and a sense of achievement. At best, they rot, and at worst, they spiral into crappy crappy mental health, which I think the OP is starting to do.

You are a team!

And someone quite small is watching and learning from you both.

Stay humble

If you’re struggling with one child, 2 days off, and a cleaner, something is wrong.

Write down any business ideas you have and have another think about them. Or if you do decide to return to work, what type of job would you like? If you are feeling bored, are there any courses you could do?

Are you expanding the housework to fit the hours? Or have very high standards? It takes a lot of a house with small children to be immaculate, you could be hoovering all day long, can you do a "good enough" job instead?

My mother was a SAHM in the longer term and all she did was housework and shopping, all day long. House was immaculate. She did so much more than I do now. It would bore me to death (no offense to anyone who likes cleaning!). She also lost touch with the world, it moved on and she didn't. It is inevitable, it just happened to her. It made me never want to be a SAHM. I am temporarily at the moment due to covid redundancy, have more children than you but I'm missing the adult company and stimulation of work.

Can you get treatment for your anxiety? Even little things like yoga could help.

Hi op. I think you should get a job because you sound exhausted trying to justify your existence and your worth. Having a job will let you take time off. What about being a teaching assistant or a tutor?

Otherwise, I don't think your DH is being unreasonable but you do need time off.

😂 No words.

OP doesn’t want to work.
I agree, going out to work is a rest from the kids. For me anyway. I would not be a good SAHP. I also like the mental challenge.

So if she doesn’t want to work, doesn’t want to be a ft SAHP, what exactly should she do? It’s not fair on her DH (who sounds very laid back about it all) to expect him to work around the clock to finance a lifestyle that OP is currently choosing. The other alternative is her in paid work and a fairer split of house/child duties surely. She doesn’t want that, she’s said clearly.

@designercornishbird

You are a team! And someone quite small is watching and learning from you both. Stay humble

Lovely sentiment. Some wise words here.

I think some charity work , fundraising or volunteering would be beneficial in giving you a sense of purpose and a healthy perspective on your own circumstances.

@HRHPP

Do you really want my opinion ?

I am a single parent key worker ( frontline health ) and have no cleaner or child free days. I had cancer and ongoing health problems so actual real life threatening health problems and not ‘health anxiety’

How I wish my life was as stress free as yours . I don’t trust myself to say anything else . I really don’t .

Your post has made me feel more shit about my own life .

The last line of this message sounds like something a self obsorbed teenager would write!

OP isn't in charge of your emotions. You are.
You have no reason to feel even more shit about your life because some stranger on the internet may or may not be a stay at home mum with a cleaner!

My DH would have been out the door if he decided to not work and then expected me to fund a cleaner and childcare for him as well. Personally I’d find that very lazy and not attractive in a partner.

At the very least you should be doing everything else. Most people work full time and manage to keep a house themselves and parent.

@Amimissingsomethinghere

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

I was a SAHP with three under five. I did all the cooking, housework, childcare, night feeds, etc.

DH did do some bedtime routines but that's pretty much it.

I never thought I was hard done by. I think you are extremely fortunate.

@HRHPP that's not fair. The OP isn't responsible for making you feel better/worse about your life. I'm sorry you've had it tough but you were out of order saying that.

@Bluntness100 that's very interesting. I didn't AS the OP but this makes more sense now. Sadly, I'm not sure it paints OP in a better light...

Classic mumsnet, someone reaching out for help and everyone belittles her. Just because her life is different from your own.

Op, I'm a sahm too but just got a 16hr a week part time job in a local shop. Minimum wage, working 4 hour shifts in evenings and one day a week at the weekend. Could you consider something like that? Maybe 8hrs even. The only reason I do it is because I was spending too much time at home with the baby. I needed to see other adults! Plus it gives daddy and baby some time alone together.

Also, I do all the housework but I'm in no way a perfectionist. I like it to be clean but sometimes baby's needs take over. Since daddy has been looking after the baby when I work he has realised how little I can get done 😂 so don't be so hard on urself wasting ur 2 days while baby is at nursery. Do something enjoyable. If my partner came home and mentioned anything about the housework not being done he would get the mop shoved where the sun don't shine 😂

I have four DC, SAHM, and do all cooking and cleaning. Two in nursery 9 til 3 Monday to Friday, two in school full time too. Monday to Friday I have time to myself so can't complain too much.

Enjoy OP.

Having been briefly in your position when living abroad... I think you are trapped in an ivory tower.
I’m mentally happier now that I have less money, no cleaner and a badly paid part time job
I do sympathise with you - you obviously don’t enjoy being a sham mum.
You have to weigh up if the lifestyle is worth it or if you want go back to work - where’s do you derive your self worth- it’s an important thing to consider

Getting a dog would help you meet people, get exercise too. It's a win win situation.