I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

In view of your circumstances, ie being able to manage, having two child free days and at the same time suffering from health anxiety, as well as to protect your financial interests, I would think seriously about doing some sort of work from home, maybe online tutoring, some sort of freelancing, just to protect yourself and make everything feel a bit more equal. Dont what your skills are but I'm sure if you are a teacher you have loads. Also will your Son be going to funded pre-school nursery after he turns 3, that will save you money and could also mean more time. Good luck

In all honesty the set up you have is what some may consider amazing (personally I'd hate it but I'm really not a SAHP kind of person). You're just not dealing with it properly.

On your days off, rest then, have some telly time, go to the gym or whatever you like doing as a hobby etc, that's effectively your weekend time. Considering you have this, and a cleaner, you should easily be able to do all the jobs in the house not covered by the cleaner to make sure your DH has little to do on her aspect.
Child stuff inthink you should do together at weekends amd lay in ... what is that! I work full time and I don't get that ever so I don't even consider it. Best I do is go back to bed for an hour or two at weekends if needed

Use what you have to create the life, don't keep chipping away at what your DH has for his 'world' he is funding this lifestyle and as you've said you don't want to go back to work so best to make the best of what you have by adjusting yourself

So I'm going to go (potentially against the grain) and say yes, you have a typically quite lucky lifestyle but if you're unhappy that doesn't matter. If you feel unsatisfied about life or as though too much is on your plate, you do have a right to discuss it or ask for advice - not to say this can be used an excuse for getting your DH to do everything, but I think it's good to look at things with an empathetic eye and see that even millionaires or people with wildly successful lives struggle.

If you feel as though things are too much, then you need to communicate with your DH. There will always be someone in the world who thinks us individually have a "charmed" existence but I still think you can vent and get upset (because fucking hell, who likes house work anyway!)

Obviously not directing this response at anyone, but I don't want OP feeling worse about her lifestyle / feelings of not doing anything because from what's been said that is what is exacerbating the perfectionist or anxious streak.

I can see why people have commented the way they have. However, when I read the OP, I thought it sounded a bit sad.

While the OP, on paper, gets a good life with 2 child free days, only 1 DC and a cleaner to boot, it seems that the condition is that she takes on a rather 1950s role of a wife. Dinner on the table? Everything done for when he gets home? Does he get slippers warmed by the fire, too? Early starts and night wakings sorted by you - after all, the guilt of having a bit of a breather must be driving this. I suppose DH does nothing to encourage this just a bit...

On the other hand, when he is home, he does a bit of parenting here and there but doesn't sound very hands on. I mean, does he have to be, really? After all, he's paying his way out of the responsibility. More to the point, though, shouldn't he want to???

As for the running of the house for THREE people, including one that needs absolutely everything done for them potentially 24/7 on top and one that is unwilling because all he has to do is work, it's not to be underestimated. It is HIS house, too, and I am sure, pre children (and a hell of a lot less work), he did his bit even though he worked?

I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed.

It's often more stressful thinking about it in the abstract. If you did it and got through it, you could start to feel more confident about it and other things. Very few people feel they want to work, but once they're doing it, they get a lot out of it. It could be worth you looking towards at least a part-time return to see if that makes you less anxious. Maybe if there was more balance, your DH wouldn't need to working to the early hours and you could share the burdens more evenly.

@9ofpentangles

I can see why people have commented the way they have. However, when I read the OP, I thought it sounded a bit sad.

While the OP, on paper, gets a good life with 2 child free days, only 1 DC and a cleaner to boot, it seems that the condition is that she takes on a rather 1950s role of a wife. Dinner on the table? Everything done for when he gets home? Does he get slippers warmed by the fire, too? Early starts and night wakings sorted by you - after all, the guilt of having a bit of a breather must be driving this. I suppose DH does nothing to encourage this just a bit...

On the other hand, when he is home, he does a bit of parenting here and there but doesn't sound very hands on. I mean, does he have to be, really? After all, he's paying his way out of the responsibility. More to the point, though, shouldn't he want to???

As for the running of the house for THREE people, including one that needs absolutely everything done for them potentially 24/7 on top and one that is unwilling because all he has to do is work, it's not to be underestimated. It is HIS house, too, and I am sure, pre children (and a hell of a lot less work), he did his bit even though he worked?

(we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me.

You got 1950s slippers warmed by the fire from that? ^

Sort of expects things to be done but not always. Is happy to eat whatever. Plays with baby and helps when he can.

This is all while working lots of hours and funding a cleaner and nursery for two full days as well as everything else.

You don't think that's him "doing his bit"?

@Amimissingsomethinghere

I need a chance to read all these responses. I've been honest but there's probably more to say. I do feel a bit like people are jumping down my throat telling me how easy I have it. I mentioned I had an awful pregnancy with some real health issues and that's caused me anxiety. Will read and respond fully later.

Ok, you need to explain further, I ended up in hospital for a full month after I had my daughter , my kidneys failed after I developed full blown eclampsia following delivery, I had hospital visits for a year after,

I went back to work when my daughter was four months old. You say you have “ mild” health anxiety and the thought of working stresses you out. Mild health anxiety would not explain your desire to do even less than you currently do and desire your husband to do even more than he is.

If there is a back story or drip feed then it would help people respond appropriately. Right now everyone can only go on what you’ve posted.

Your life sounds lovely! I'm a SAHM to a 1yo but no nursery days and DH works less hours (FT but never late night).
To be fair, I wouldn't want to spend that much on nursery unless it was a necessity.
I don't think it's cringe or controlling to discuss big purchases, it's what responsible adults do.
What more could you want?!

Yes, all that sounds reasonable. Dh and I work full-time (though I work 4 days, so I also work evenings several days a week after dc are in bed - as does dh, for that matter) and we have all those things to get done too. We obviously share it, but if I was at home every day, yes, I would expect to do pretty much everything except when he was home (then I'd expect him to share the load if he wasn't working). I don't have time to ever sit down and relax or watch tv (tv time is Friday and Saturday evenings after dc are in bed).

But realistically, I think I would rather not spend money on nursery that was pushing our spending if I didn't have to. I'd rather dh have time at home and not need to kill himself working til the early hours, as you say, to make sure we had money for that. I do think nursery is great though. Both of mine have been in nearly full time since they were 11 months. But 700 a month for 2 days of nursery sounds like an awful lot! I pay that now (or sometimes even a bit less) for 4 full days a week 9-5. Could you cut that cost so your dh could have a break and perhaps be more available at home?

(which wasn't to say being a SAHM isn't totally fine, but you don't sound happy doing it and it seems a mistake to rule out working for the reasons you give)

Of course its reasonable. You have 2 days a week off , a cleaner and access to money to spend willingly. If it takes you 2 whole days a week to keep on top of your house then you need to question why. Also he is working until the small hours of course he gets to sleep in. I think It may actually be reasonable for him to ask you to get a part time job on those 2 days so he doesn't run himself into the ground.

exhausted? From what? I feel like this is some kind of joke post lol but if it isn’t then in the nicest way possible, you had a hard pregnancy but that was 2.5 years ago, come on now. You need to do something to help yourself with this ‘mild anxiety’ as that appears to me to be why you’re ‘so exhausted’ from doing a lot less than most people do.
That or you’re really just naive as to how adult life works

Hi OP
First of all I hope you have broad shoulders as coming on here and saying you are a SAHM and that you rely on your other half financially is vilified on here, it is a big no- no on MN?! 😊
However, you were honest enough and so I will be too. Why do you feel you have to ‘prove’ yourself? Do you have issues of guilt? If so, why?
My feeling is that as your husband is the main provider, earns good money, works hard and allows you to not have to go back to work and be able to have a cleaner and is often working into the early hours, as you put it, then it is only fair for you to do your share. Which is the cooking, shopping and looking after your DC...
Your husband must be shattered working into the small hours and you get two days off a week. I am really sorry that you suffer with anxiety as I know what that is like and it is horrible. Have you spoken to a doctor about this as you may be suffering with mild depression? Good luck...

Any form of anxiety can be exhausting - but I'm wondering if the OP needs a bit more structure in her life?

@Divebar

I’m a bit flabbergasted. I’m not sure I can craft an appropriate response other than you sound like you have a charmed life. Lots of people manage to do all those things - cooking, washing etc without the benefit of a cleaner and 2 days a week childcare. If you don’t wish to go back to work then yes it is your job.

Couldn’t agree more.

I think you need to stop thinking you need everything to be perfect, I'm sure your husband wouldn't notice.

I've spent my life running around in circles to make everything perfect and it's held me back so much, affected relationships with friends and family and made me so unhappy.

Give yourself a break and use one of those days to focus on time for yourself, coffee with a friend, yoga or a nice long walk or just sitting back and relaxing.

Yes your husband works but the time that my husband has had to spend at home doing everything after I had the babies he said was so much harder than going to work everyday. The relentlessness of parenting small children is hard and you do deserve to have a lie in every so often.

Don't take the harsh comments to heart, everyone has different lives, yours seems fantastic to some people but as you've said they don't know the whole story, you need to give yourself a break.

I agree with posters saying that this sounds more than fair, especially compared to most other people's lives and workload.
However, you sound anxious and a bit unhappy, and I wonder about this need to 'prove' your worth.
Do you think it would be worth doing something to help your anxiety? If I were you I would seek some counselling on one of the days off. Also might be worth pursuing a course or hobby so you have something to keep your brain engaged.
I've been a sahm and I think it's valuable work but I think it can take a toll when you walk around feeling a bit 'lucky' and needing to prove you're busy all the time.

I dunno about reasonable or not. It wouldn't be for me. It's cushty by many many people's standards and experiences of life, but I don't subscribe to the idea that everyone must have to slog really hard and if you are not working you must be a domestic slave/paragon, or that a working partner should still do basically fuck all.

What strikes me most is:

1. You don't sound very happy
2. You use the words " I am expected to...." like it's undiscussed, unagreed, unarticulated. Are you? Or is this what you expect of yourself.

You also sound a bit lonely op.

I can't really read all these responses.

I actually see the views from both sides , people saying I am entitled etc. Maybe I am. I do struggle a bit - the thought of a job scares me and I don't know why.

I actually do want to work but I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back into teaching. I keep coming up with little business ideas and then they just don't seem to come together.

I do want to contribute to the relationship and I can't do that financially so I try and prove it by being super organised in the house.

I am also sorry if I have been insensitive, I didn't mean to be and for that I am truly sorry.

Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

Gosh, I'd love to have that sort of life ...

I think where it isn't balanced is for your DS and DH - your DS doesn't really have the opportunity to build a really close relationship with his father.

If you could work for money those 2 days a week could your DH pull back his hours a bit and do a bit more with your DS - for your DS's sake?

It might also be worth saying what help you’re getting help for your mental health. To me it reads like you’re maybe not coping, and also possibly habe an element of resentment about what you need to do.

What plans are you making to get back to work and is your husband supportive of you not working longer term? Or even now, if he’s having to work so much himself?

How come your child goes to nursery two days a week, how old are they? Was this to prepare for you to go back to work, or to help you to cope?

@Amimissingsomethinghere

I need a chance to read all these responses. I've been honest but there's probably more to say. I do feel a bit like people are jumping down my throat telling me how easy I have it. I mentioned I had an awful pregnancy with some real health issues and that's caused me anxiety. Will read and respond fully later.

You're living the life my mother lived in the 1950s/60s without the nursery. And she wasn't 100% well.

Our house was immaculate (her choice) and apart from washing up, and occasionally pushing the hoover round on Sundays, my father didn't lift a finger. As far as they were both concerned the house and childcare was her job which she managed as she saw fit.

She was free to do her own thing most afternoons. We had any labour-saving devices of the time, so twin-tub washing machine and no dishwasher but as she had a cleaner she managed very well.

I'm not sure what more you expect?
(oh, and no joint account. She had 'housekeeping' which she managed. But to be fair, if she wanted money she could have it, but she did have to ask.

Yes, agree sound lonely and the post reads as if you know you should be happier/more content - but the hours still disappear without much purpose.

Also, DHs can sometimes choose to opt out of childcare at this age and use work as a reason to stay up to the early hours when they don't really need to.... hence maybe feeling lonely in a house inhabited by someone who isn't really "present"?

I've been known to do the same myself...