I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

I never just sit in front of the telly

Excellent line that one.

Good try OP

@Sally665

This thread is unpleasant. Perhaps all the people who feel resentful of the OPs circumstances should look to improve their own instead of putting down someone who said she had anxiety and just asked for some support.

She didn't ask for support. She asked for opinions. Which is what she got!

I am not quite sure what your thoughts on an alternative here would be OP. Your DH is working until the early hours of the morning, would you like him to be cooking and looking after the kids as well as doing this? Good that you can stay at home and have two free days a week and a cleaner, but this is only possible with the support of your DH. Most of us would have loved to have been in your position.

I had 2 awful pregnancies, PND and also mild health anxiety. I work, bring in £££ each month, don't have a cleaner. Share the childcare/cooking/cleaning with DH.

I couldn't be married to someone like you OP. You expect your husband to work horrific hours so you can be a part time housewife (I say part time due to the 2 days childcare and cleaner). I couldn't have any respect for someone who expected so much yet provided so little.

similar situation here, my 2 are teens now so I haven't worked for 18 years, before kids I have a well paid demanding job. DH is a really high earner. I had a cleaner/mothers help 3 days a week and both kids went to nursery 2.5 days a week. I still have the cleaner 3 days a week as I couldn't keep the house to the standard DH likes, we pay her £900 per month.

Now the kids are more independent I could go out and get a job but I wouldn't earn what I used to so don't see the point. I do volunteer 2 days a week.DH controls the finances, I get an allowance each month just for me and an amount is paid into the joint for bills, food and the kids. I do everything for him and I don't mind.

Sorry, I think you are being very very very unreasonable. You get two child free days a week and are expected to run the house too AND you have a cleaner and that's not enough?

Bloody hell. I truly hope you never find yourself a single parent because, my God, that IS hard work!

She didn't ask for support. She asked for opinions. Which is what she got!

Exactly. She didn't ask for support with her anxiety, she asked what people thought about the division of labour within her household. People are expressing their views in response to this.

What are you doing to treat the anxiety? I don’t mean talking pills but exercising and things like meditation, yoga, therapy etc.

Having had bad anxiety years ago, it’s not healthy to say I have an anxiety so I can’t do ... it’s much better to get some form of treatment so that you can do it in the future.

Is teaching for you? If you don’t want to go back to it then there are other jobs out there which you could consider.

DH and I both consult each other over large purchases and we both work, I think it’s part of being married.

The issue I would have (assuming your DH is happy) is that you get two days off in the week plus the weekend, the cleaning can be left over the weekend and you have a cleaner and assuming DH does something’s at the weekends there isn’t that much to do to justify the other two days off in the week.

I think it is selfish to be a sahm and cost your family money with a cleaner and nursery and no wages being bought in. I think you should consider either working part time or giving up the cleaner or nursery and using the money saved for savings, pensions, over paying the mortgage or to let your DH work less

@blue25

I don’t get why you’re exhausted? For me the lack of challenge & intellectual stimulation would be mind numbing, but perhaps not for you. I agree that you should be doing all the house stuff in the circumstances you describe.

For me this sums up the exhaustion of being a SAHP. Mind numbness (is that even a word) can feel like exhaustion. It's particularly exhausting at the moment trying to keep yourself and young DC entertained and stimulated during lockdown and on cold, rainy days. OP in your position with a cleaner and 2 childfree days I'd be looking for some work to do or if you don't need the money a protect, to get some variety in your week.

I think you need to count your blessings and get support for your anxiety. You could spend two days a week napping on and off, it’s your choice to ‘run around trying to prove’ yourself.

Sorry, a project not protect.

I do understand that boredom and lack of purpose might be exhausting in their own way...but it is within the OP's gift to address this by using her time in a different way. She has two child-free days in which she could work, volunteer, pursue a hobby or whatever.

Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahaahahhahahaahaha

I'm a SAHM too and my husband doesn't understand why I won't get a cleaner but I'd feel pretty lazy if I did, it seems a waste of money. If I were you I'd be looking to be more efficient with my time, use the TOMM method, ditch the cleaner and scrap the childcare unless it's preschool, then save. Or keep it all and brush up on my work skills.

What's the TOMM method?

You could actually ditch the cleaner and use the money to do an online course during your two days a week? That way your brain is active, you're working towards a goal and if you choose wisely it could lead to a side hustle you can do from home?

Agreed. This is all wonderful but if it takes op hours to do anything due to her mental health you can see why she's overwhelmed.

Right, but the answer isn't just to say it's too hard and give up. Many don't have the luxury of cleaners and nurseries and just have to work through their anxieties or bills wouldn't be paid.

Either way, it's unlikely to be an issue as the OP described it as a mild health anxiety.

People are having a go at OP about having it easy, because she does have it easy. Perhaps starting from that point would help OP understand what she needs to do next.

The Organised Mum Method. I love it too!

@PaperTowels

The Organised Mum Method. I love it too!

Thanks! I'll have to have a nosey.

Nowhere has the OP said that she insists her DH work into the early hours or even that she is ok with him doing it. The fact that he obviously earns a very high wage suggests that he is choosing to do these hours. It could well be something he enjoys. It's not an hourly paid job, is it.

I work full time, so does DH, but he does a lot more hours than me. We have a cleaner in for 3 hours per week and I pick up 90% of everything else. This generally works for us.

Don't know where to start. If I were the only one working and my DH was a STAP I wouldn't agree to pay for a cleaner & nursery two days a week. It's incredibly selfish to expect your DH to pay for that on top of everything else when you're at home not prepared to earn a wage. If you can't cope because of your anxiety then please get help. But as it stands, you're taking the piss.

I'm also a SAHM to 4 DC 2under 2 my partner works and I do everything else! Cook clean school runs baths bedtimes and night feeds,Id love two days off a week and a cleaner it sounds great,I struggle with anxiety and epilepsy so I understand where your coming from but you've simply just got to get on with it! You sound like you've a lovely life OP,I love nothing more then knowing my children have a full belly of home cooked food,a nice clean house and my DP can just relax after work,this is so rewarding for me knowing because I do all these things in the day my family have no worries once they come home ☺️

So what it is you want an opinion on?

Use the two days a week to get some help with your anxiety. As awful as it is you do have to be a bit proactive and take steps to get better. Maybe when you’re looking at your life through the eyes of a less anxious person you will see what a charmed existence you have.

Of course it is fair! Taking care of the DC and house is your job - you could work elsewhere but you are choosing to do this.