I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

And to add, I didn’t say the woman was unhappy with her husband not working, simply it wasn’t supposed to be this way. And from what the pps written it doesn’t appear it was to be that way for her either.

I could write this post, which the exception that DC doesn't go to nursery and if wakes up at night it usually is my husband that goes (it is because my DC is shouting specifically for him and will not calm down if he would not come).

I am trying to read all the messages - it's rather a lot so I'm taking a while to respond.

I really really appreciate all the helpful messages with regards to ideas to keep my mind more occupied etc and perhaps volunteering.

I am going to look into perhaps doing paired reading at schools as I used to enjoy that. I may also look into doing temp teaching on an ad hoc basis. I'm also going to attempt to learn how to sew. Oh and try and do some more exercise!

I know my post probably came across a bit entitled. I appreciate I haven't really said what I want. I suppose I don't know what I want really. I do feel a bit useless at times.

With regards to my DH and work. He enjoys it. He works hard but he often (before lockdown) had long 'work lunches' and days out etc. Often he would go to the pub after work on a Friday and I would be putting DC to bed. We do spend lots of time together at the weekend when we can. He really is super and I say to him often how I appreciate how hard he works for our family. I don't take it for granted.

I've probably come across all wrong on these posts. Anyway thanks for your opinions. I seemed to really wind some people up - it wasn't my intention. I honestly look up to mums who work and raise children. I am almost envious of them. Because I don't think I could manage it.

I was a SAHM with two babies and did the lot with no cleaners or help with the children. DH worked full time (month about night shift) and put himself through a science degree part time two nights a week and Saturday mornings. We were skint for years but managed as a team together. He helped when he was home and most of his spare time was taken up with house renovations. We were young in our twenties and had a goal in sight. Once he got his degree his career took off. I spent my 30s, 40s holding the domestics together, child rearing, doing all the admin and finances.

We have always had shared finances and neither of us needs permission to spend money. In the early years we had none to spend.

In the ‘empty nest’ years we travelled the world together (his job was global eventually), we had an absolute ball. Now he is retired we share our life together and lockdown has been brilliant because we both just get on, still a team. Looking back, I was very lonely at times but my patience, and his hard work, paid off. We appreciate each others’ contribution to our efforts for the ‘partnership’ and if we had our time over again, we both say we would do the same again.

DH says he missed out on family life due to work, I say I missed out on a life outside of the home but neither of us resents the other. We always discuss and make joint decisions as to which ever direction we want our lives together to go and neither gets to “trump’ the other.

I’d like to add: I could not have handled both career and family life. I made my case strongly at the beginning of our lives together that it was one or the other. It was my decision. He wanted children I (for my own reasons due to my childhood) was ambivalent about having children but wanted them NOT to be ‘latch door kids’ (as they were described in our day (late 70s/80s). I was the only mother in my peer group who didn’t go out to work but I just didn’t have broad enough shoulders to do both. DH loved coming home to a peaceful happy home and I loved supporting him and being appreciated.

It sound ago me like you are letting your husband neglect you while he spins a tale about how all the fun he is having is essential for work. And you seem excessively grateful to him. Do you actually understand what his job involves and why it needs him to devote such long hours to it? If not, make it your business to find out.

@OhCaptain

Where did I say my salary went towards childcare? I was a SAHM when mine needed childcare and they went to nursery from aged three which the family pot paid for. We have never had any money which wasn't shared and with equal access for both.

Post script: Both our two sons now turning 40. One went on to marry and have an ‘only’ child (due to fertility issues). They are both juggling full-time mid-management jobs and are absolutely 50/50 in their partnership/finances/child rearing. They have a cleaner which is an absolute necessity for their well-being. I am truly astounded at their teamwork. So proud. The other son and his ‘partner’ are both equal in their set-up and neither want children, preferring to work and enjoy an affluent lifestyle. I respect their decisions entirely and am relieved to see both couples enjoying their lives together.

Forgot to mention, said grandchild is full time in nursery since he was one and is thriving.

Sounds like a great life. What's the problem? Are your diamond slippers a bit tight?

It's absolutely no one else's business how your family works, and if it does, then great.

Some people prefer to work full time, part time or stay at home depending on a range of factors, finances, job prospects, career whatever, and it really shouldn't be a competitive sport.

Great if you are happy to be at home. Great that you have help, and that you have two days where your DC is able to be a nursery.

I’m not sure what you’re hoping to achieve here OP I’m not sure what you’re asking.

You have a very good deal which most of MN will consider ‘cushy’ and be a bit envious of. You’ll get a lot of grief for not thanking your lucky stars, and benevolent husband, on a daily basis.

I’m not envious. I’m in a very similar situation to you only I don’t have a cleaner (used to but not since covid), DS doesn’t go to nursery and I’m pregnant with number 2.

I could quit and stay home, I’d have a lovely lifestyle but I’ve stayed working 2.5 days a week specifically to avoid the self built ‘proving yourself’ prison. It’s ghastly and during my mat leave with DS I’ve gotten pretty obsessed with it.
DH doesn’t have lofty expectations but I find myself getting paranoid and feeling a bit like I’ve got to earn my keep. I don’t, but that doesn’t stop me getting paranoid. The reality is I’m not a natural ‘kept woman’ it doesn’t sit well with me and even though it’s just 2.5 days a week I feel like i get to keep my independence and identity.

It’s good for me but also for our relationship.

With regards to my DH and work. He enjoys it. He works hard but he often (before lockdown) had long 'work lunches' and days out etc. Often he would go to the pub after work on a Friday and I would be putting DC to bed. We do spend lots of time together at the weekend when we can. He really is super and I say to him often how I appreciate how hard he works for our family. I don't take it for granted.

Loving this, brilliant attempt to throw your husband under the bus whilst batting wide eye innocence, gosh he works so hard, so hard that he is often down the pub, having long work lunches, and on fun days out. And there was me putting the kids to bed when he was always out having fun and calling it work, He’s just so great, really 😂

@Amimissingsomethinghere

I am trying to read all the messages - it's rather a lot so I'm taking a while to respond.

I really really appreciate all the helpful messages with regards to ideas to keep my mind more occupied etc and perhaps volunteering.

I am going to look into perhaps doing paired reading at schools as I used to enjoy that. I may also look into doing temp teaching on an ad hoc basis. I'm also going to attempt to learn how to sew. Oh and try and do some more exercise!

I know my post probably came across a bit entitled. I appreciate I haven't really said what I want. I suppose I don't know what I want really. I do feel a bit useless at times.

With regards to my DH and work. He enjoys it. He works hard but he often (before lockdown) had long 'work lunches' and days out etc. Often he would go to the pub after work on a Friday and I would be putting DC to bed. We do spend lots of time together at the weekend when we can. He really is super and I say to him often how I appreciate how hard he works for our family. I don't take it for granted.

I've probably come across all wrong on these posts. Anyway thanks for your opinions. I seemed to really wind some people up - it wasn't my intention. I honestly look up to mums who work and raise children. I am almost envious of them. Because I don't think I could manage it.

Once this Covid situation is over, definitely look into volunteering. There aren't enough people these days free to help.

Pick something that suits your skills. It'll make all the difference

Oh, 2 days off would be heaven! I too have mild anxiety, hold down a stressful full time job, have a 10 year old, pay all my own bills and I have to clean the house myself.
The worrying thing is that you're letting your husband work until the early hours and you think that this is ok. When did you decide that the team work stopped because you felt stressed?

I think you’ve just lost your bottle about working because you’ve been out of the workplace for a while. I was only on maternity leave for a year but I felt very apprehensive about returning. There was something kind of safe but soporific about being home with no stresses around figures and targets etc. I dare say if I could have opted out of working at that time I would have. However as soon as I got back I was back in the swing - the buzz and diversity of the city and all that adult company really gave me a boost. I think you’re a bright woman - you’ll find something that will give you that feeling.

I honestly look up to mums who work and raise children. I am almost envious of them. Because I don't think I could manage it.

I think this is a huge part of the problem - if you feel like you couldn't work then your current life isn't a choice. And it's disempowering and depressing to feel like you aren't in charge of your life and you're not making choices. I think if you could get to a point where it felt like a choice to be a SAHM rather than a necessity because you don't feel able to work you'd feel a lot better about the exact same life.

I do agree that the 2x days at nursery are for your DC benefit, I think 2 yos need some sort of group thing and covid has put pay to playgroups

@Bluntness100

Yes, but thats from an UNHAPPY sole breadwinner point of view. OP doesnt write that her DH is unhappy about her not working

Well no I didn’t say the woman was unhappy in that scenario either. You made the assumption the woman would be unhappy due to the working hours and her husbands wish for her to do more. In neither the ops scenario, or my switched one, did either of us state the sole breadwinner was unhappy.

Which again gives rise to your assumption being a gender bias. You assume the man might just love working into the early hours of the morning, where as the woman would not

I just assumed if that woman came on here to post about the situation, then its because shes unhappy about it. If she was fully content with her hard working life, then she probably wouldnt go and post on forums I didnt assume she was unhappy because shes a woman and women arent supposed to love working long hours.

Or it could be she was asking just like I wrote, she was unsure what to do?

You sound bored and purposeless OP. I don't think many people realise how close our identities are related to our work. Now you haven't got work you seem lost.

@Friendsoftheearth totally agree with your comments....

I really do think that the two days at nursery are very beneficial for the child. Imagine going straight to school having not spent any time at nursery. I imagine it would make it much more difficult for the little one.

@chocolateorangelover is nursery not free for a year or so before school in the U.K. though. The OP states she is paying which leads me to believe it's not necessary as such. Here in Ireland they get 15 hrs a week free 9-12 every day a week for 2 years before school, so no child just starts school having never been to nursery iyswim??

@kittykat35 there are free hours available after the child turns three, yes (although it’s not of course compulsory to use them).

However that doesn’t mean that it is not beneficial to send a child younger than three to nursery. My son went 3 days a week from age 1 and I initially saw it as childcare to allow me to work, but very quickly realised that he was thriving in that environment, plus talking to his teachers taught me lots of useful things about how to communicate with him at home.