I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

Irrelevant because the OP has a cleaner and could very easily get a part time job in the two days that her husband is already paying for nursery.

Surely you mean the familypot is paying for nursery?

If you are a team it is family money..

Your division of labour seems reasonable. It would only be a problem if it wasn't teamwork and your DH viewed you like paid help or refused to countenance change if life events meant change was needed. But it is just a traditional style division of labour. Nothing wrong with that when mutual respect is the order of the day.
It does possibly leave you open to financial crisis if the relationship was to sour for any reason, but that's a risk you run and presumably you have chosen that, it doesn't make it a bad choice necessarily. Those who are financially independent may also have a massive logistics struggle of dual working parents and childcare

OP my suggestion would be to develop some hobbies once opportunities open up again.
Lots of people change direction after having children, teaching full-time can be very demanding so it's understandable that you may wish to do something different.
What type of person are you? Perhaps going to Art classes or singing or exercise classes would help give you a bit more purpose and energy and also improve your mental and physical health too.
Don't be so concerned about being the perfect wife and mother that you forget who your are.
PS I was a SAHM for a few years but started making steps towards a small business that used my skills and abilities and fitted in with dcs at school. However the school years will arrive faster than you think it will, so you need to start planning ahead.

@Venicelover

Irrelevant because the OP has a cleaner and could very easily get a part time job in the two days that her husband is already paying for nursery.

Surely you mean the familypot is paying for nursery?

If you are a team it is family money..

No, I mean Dh's money.

Because you made the point of saying that your salary went toward childcare in a similar situation, so I pointed out that dh is already funding the childcare therefore it's not something OP would have to take into consideration.

I do think your husband's expectations are fair (unlike some of these comments - meowwww!)

I'm (mostly) a SAHM. I have two preschool DC's. I do a small bit of admin for my huband's company and I've recently started a masters part time. I've also sent mine to a childminder for two days per week. Now I use those days for lectures and assignments but for the year before that I used them for whatever I wanted, and I never cooked on those days either. I didn't feel guilty at all but that's because I do 99% of the childcare/housework, even when my husband is home, so I felt I "deserved" those days. My childminder is the only reason I didn't divorce him really!

I think some of these comments are quite nasty and mostly borne out of jealousy, however I also feel your anxiety must be pretty bad if you feel you can't cope in these circumstances OP. I think you could really benefit from some part time work to raise your confidence. Forget business ideas and the like, just start with a low-stress part time job and maybe once your feeling more able you could look into getting back to teaching. I think the SAHM bubble can be detrimental unless you have hobbies/interests that engage you and keep your confidence up.

OP, you say your husband works very hard, often into “the early hours”. Those are very long working hours indeed and it sounds like you are spending a lot of evenings alone. Does he switch off at weekends? Is he Wfh at the moment or leaving the house every day?

My sense is that this is mostly about you feeling lonely and unsupported emotionally by your husband, particularly as you are clearly struggling with your mental health. What does your husband say about your anxiety?

By the way, ignore all the people talking about the childcare being “unnecessary”- they are forgetting that your son will be getting a huge benefit from spending time in nursery, and he will enjoy it more and more the older he gets. It’s about so much more than him being looked after while you do other things.

Not going to lie, you sound like you have it easy (much easier than most including me).

However, it seems you need to work on yourself on these days off.

Whack the slow cooker on, find a hobby or some self care, relax.

Wow. You are very lucky. Appreciate what you have and make time at least once a week to do something you enjoy for you when your dc is at nursery.

(I wont bore you with how my situation was when my dc were that age and I was married).

Yeah it’s reasonable. I’m on maternity leave without a cleaner and I do 24/7 with DS and sort the house.
DP occasionally lets me get a couple of hrs sleep of I’ve had a few bad nights, cooks 50% of the time and will sometimes put away a clean load of laundry (already folded and sorted).
I’d love your life. When I return to full time shift work things will have to be more 50/50 but if I wanted to be a SAHM I’d have to ‘run the home’.
If you don’t like it then go get a job.

Suspect the op is not coming back. I don’t think this thread has went the way she thought it would in her head.

I work full time and do everything else you do!
I also had bad pregnancies, my third and last being the worst and had 2 little ones to deal with plus working too. Also suffered with anxiety and panic attacks.

Would love to have a cleaner and not work! You really don't know how lucky you are!

You don’t know how lucky you are. Of course you should be doing the house work, I’m suprised you have a cleaner... you don’t really need one do you?

Oops, just realised that I wrote that is inevitable that my mother lost touch with the world as a perfectionist SAHM. I meant to write that it is not inevitable. Never met anyone other SAHMs with the same issue!

We are all wishing we had the cleaner and the two child free days and forgetting that you aren't happy and are asking for advice. If teaching is too much, could you find something else? Or if you are staying at home, take at least part of the nursery days for you as a break? I don't have a cleaner or any child free time, but I will cheerfully admit that when my littlest naps, I do absolutely nothing and have some time for myself. They wake up early and grumpy if I disturb them during the nap. I'm on the go the rest of time, looking after two kids, doing the school run, cooking, cleaning, organising the house, gardening, doing DIY, courses to retrain for going back to work.

I think it sounds reasonable.

We have 2 DC, I work full-time and we have 3 hours of cleaner per week.

DH has ill health retirement so does not work and does all the cooking. But other than cooking I do all the other stuff - laundry, play dates, children's parties, putting children to bed etc. So TBH I would say I am working all day and then doing what you do in the evening... I don't have two days off a week to 'sort'.

If the genders were reversed people certainly wouldn’t say this was reasonable

If a woman posted and said “I work a huge amount of hours, sometimes into the early hours of the morning, I’m the sole breadwinner, my husband is a stay at home dad for our sole two and a half year old child. It was not supposed to be this way but he’s developed a phobia about getting a job. He says he needs a break so our child is in nursery two days a week, and although we live in a small house, we also have a cleaner for three hours a week. He thinks he is doing too much by being expected to care for the house, look after our child, make dinner, and do bedtimes and mornings and I should do more so he can have lie ins and more time off, I’m not sure what to do or how to help him further, I physically can’t work any more than I am, we need to pay the bills and he likes to be able to spend freely on himself and enjoys his holidays. Should I be trying to do more?

The responses would be absolute outrage on the woman’s behalf. No one would be saying “well that sounds reasonable, make sure when he has his two days off he spends quality time on himself, why don’t you suggest a spa to him?

Fucking hell
I had 3 under 3
One with autism ,one with adhd
And we home educate
No nursery ,no school
Dinner on table every night ,yes I got up with every child in the night and yes kept on top of all the housework and washing and children’s education.
You are in a world of your own ,have you really no idea how easy you have it

I wonder if you are depressed? Did you struggle with anxiety at work before you went on mar leave? I found mat leave v difficult. I need the structure of a job and doing something outside of being a mum.

Whilst I'd love your financial situation that doesn't mean you are net entitled to feelings, mental health issues etc. Is your DH hands on with your DC at the weekend? Do you spend anytime together as a couple?

If you feel exhausted then why not prioritise recharging yourself?

Maybe on your child free days spend the time exercising, seeing friends, napping, reading and on hobbies. Have some counselling. If that doesn't help I would see a GP.

It could be that SAHM isn't for you though.

I think the op is getting a pile one because she hasn't really explained what she wants.

Surely you don't think your dh should be doing more?

What would you like your life to be like?

@Bluntness100

You’ve made judgemental stuff up with your reverse.

I’m in a similar situation and DH is very happy with it: he’s always been very career orientated and wouldn’t be able to have children at all if he had to do some regular childcare as (Outside of Covid times) he’s out of the house at 7 and gets back at 7.30 on a good day but often much later. He really appreciates that I’m around for all of it as that means he gets to have his career and children.

He’s earnings allow for a cleaner, holidays and dinners out too so that’s the lifestyle we have.

[quote JoJoSM2]@Bluntness100

You’ve made judgemental stuff up with your reverse.

I’m in a similar situation and DH is very happy with it: he’s always been very career orientated and wouldn’t be able to have children at all if he had to do some regular childcare as (Outside of Covid times) he’s out of the house at 7 and gets back at 7.30 on a good day but often much later. He really appreciates that I’m around for all of it as that means he gets to have his career and children.

He’s earnings allow for a cleaner, holidays and dinners out too so that’s the lifestyle we have.[/quote]
I don't think anyone is judging the lifestyle. They're judging the fact that the op seems to be moaning that her life is hard and her dh doesn't help her enough.

@Bluntness100

If the genders were reversed people certainly wouldn’t say this was reasonable

If a woman posted and said “I work a huge amount of hours, sometimes into the early hours of the morning, I’m the sole breadwinner, my husband is a stay at home dad for our sole two and a half year old child. It was not supposed to be this way but he’s developed a phobia about getting a job. He says he needs a break so our child is in nursery two days a week, and although we live in a small house, we also have a cleaner for three hours a week. He thinks he is doing too much by being expected to care for the house, look after our child, make dinner, and do bedtimes and mornings and I should do more so he can have lie ins and more time off, I’m not sure what to do or how to help him further, I physically can’t work any more than I am, we need to pay the bills and he likes to be able to spend freely on himself and enjoys his holidays. Should I be trying to do more?

The responses would be absolute outrage on the woman’s behalf. No one would be saying “well that sounds reasonable, make sure when he has his two days off he spends quality time on himself, why don’t you suggest a spa to him?

Yes, but thats from an UNHAPPY sole breadwinner point of view. OP doesnt write that her DH is unhappy about her not working. My DH works long hours, but he loves his job and is excited to go every morning. Staying home with the kids would be his absolute hell. He is a great father and does bed time with them when he is able and spends all weekend doing stuff with the kids, but he usually crashes sunday night saying "thank god i have work tomorrow. He loves his daddy day now that i work one day on the weekend, but he says he couldnt imagine doing that every day of the week and he is glad we have set roles. At the same time, i loved not having to work and now that i started working i love having 1-2 days away from family life, but i would hate doing it 5 days a week, because i just love being with the kids and organising all their stuff. It doesnt matter how the roles are divided as long as it works well for both. As soon as one person is unhappy you have to figure out why and what can be done to change it. Happiness isnt a rational feeling. You cant just tell someone they have it better than others, and have no reason to feel bad, so snap out of it. It doesnt work that way.

For larger purchases I will ask him. God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is

I think in your head, you expected us all to pile in that he needs to do more. In most relationships, both working or not, you ask a partner before larger purchases.

You clearly see yourself as part of a team ('we do quite well' etc), but if I had a DH who wasn't working but also had two full days of childcare a week and a cleaner AND then complained about doing all the night waking, I'd not feel like we were equal partners.

Yes, but thats from an UNHAPPY sole breadwinner point of view. OP doesnt write that her DH is unhappy about her not working

Well no I didn’t say the woman was unhappy in that scenario either. You made the assumption the woman would be unhappy due to the working hours and her husbands wish for her to do more. In neither the ops scenario, or my switched one, did either of us state the sole breadwinner was unhappy.

Which again gives rise to your assumption being a gender bias. You assume the man might just love working into the early hours of the morning, where as the woman would not