I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

OP, you need to investigate work options.

First is teaching. Every school is different, and every class of children. Maybe you were at a particularly stressful school or had a particularly tough classroom in your final year or years. Maybe a change would help? Cover teaching? A job share? Or even going back as a TA for a bit. Or moving into SENCO work?

Next, start looking at other career options. What interests you?

OP, there is a lot of very thinly veiled jealousy on here. You have to live in a way which suits your own family set up. There is no shame in doing what you do.

Your health comes first and you need to find things that will bolster your mental health. When I was a SAHM (from choice) I was in a similar position to you and I decided to use my time to future-proof my change of career. I did a second degree, I volunteered and I had long lunches with friends.

I loved it. I had the best of all worlds. My DH loved being a hands-on Dad too, so he would do the early feeds and bring the babies back to me in bed with a cup of tea before he went to work. He also took his turn with night feeds as he can sleep on a clothes line! Being a SAHM does not have to mean you have to apologise for not being a drudge.

Find a structure to your day that suits you, and allow yourself time to relax and just be you. Reconnect with friends, go swimming, yoga, cooking classes, Pilates. Soon, there won't be enough hours in the day and you will wonder why you were worried.

Once Covid is consigned to history re-evaluate what you want to do and go for it. I loved having a side business (when I was a SAHM and when I returned to work) which I set up from scratch, but which I enjoyed doing, having just scaled back my work commitments pre-retirement I was going to resurrect it, but it was to do with the wedding industry which is non-existant currently, so that will have to wait. I will be excited to get back to it though.

Don't waste time feeling guilty or having to prove yourself, just get on and try to enjoy it. Get help for your anxiety if you can as that will be holding you back.

Being a SAHM is the only job/pastime in the world where somebody would lay out the details of their lives on a plate and say 'is this permissible'? All the judgers who get paid ridiculous money for nonsense jobs, manage to make a small chicken last 3 weeks for a family of five, think you should be wearing a hair shirt and finding a self flaggelation club nearby by can FUCK OFF.

It is your life. You are living it. If you or your H are unhappy with an aspect of it you should talk and adjust.

Childcare/housework IS WORK. If you don't want to do it I quite appreciate that because it's boring work but it's perfectly respectable thing to be doing if you like it. And if you have it easy? So what?! Who the fuck wouldn't if they could?

So he pays for everything including a cleaner for a stay at home wife; he pays for your kid to be in nursery 2 days a week to give you a rest, he works very hard but "gets involved here and there" when he can; he shares everything he earns without question. .

  What more  should he  provide?  A daily flower delivery,  chocolates on your pillow every night?  Maybe an au pair?

Wow you have a cleaner, two days without your child to do what you want, access to money whenever you want and a husband d who works hard often into the night and you wonder if the workload is balanced!

Get real of course it is

@ThePlantsitter

Being a SAHM is the only job/pastime in the world where somebody would lay out the details of their lives on a plate and say 'is this permissible'? All the judgers who get paid ridiculous money for nonsense jobs, manage to make a small chicken last 3 weeks for a family of five, think you should be wearing a hair shirt and finding a self flaggelation club nearby by can FUCK OFF.

It is your life. You are living it. If you or your H are unhappy with an aspect of it you should talk and adjust.

Childcare/housework IS WORK. If you don't want to do it I quite appreciate that because it's boring work but it's perfectly respectable thing to be doing if you like it. And if you have it easy? So what?! Who the fuck wouldn't if they could?

What on earth are you on about?!

You haven't even answered the question, just gone on a mad rant!

OP asked was it fair and balanced. The truth is that it's not, but it's very much in her favour.

And then the thread went on to provide actual, real advice and suggestions.

You've done neither.

Agree with others that I think you need to dip your toe back in the water of some kind of work or volunteering in some of the time your DC is at nursery.

This would help give you a sense of purpose and ease the anxiety about plunging back into the world of employment.

Lots of charities are going through tough times at the moment - try getting in touch with some locally and see if they have volunteer roles you could help with.

I haven’t read most of the responses but have a similar situation, ie a 2 yo, childcare, cleaner and DH who works a lot.

Are the things you aren’t happy about to do with you husband possibly not having enough of a relationship/bond with your child? And the husband ‘expecting’ things and controlling money? Tbh, it sounds a bit unpleasant.

Just to offer my own perspective for comparison:

I think I’m lucky as I have a lot of free time for hobbies, the gym, getting my nails done etc. DH doesn’t have the attitude of ‘expecting’ this, that and the other but I just find it really nice to be able to have the dinner ready when he gets in and look after him generally.

He does the bath most days as that’s his way of catching up with DS and they have a lovely relationship.

Money decisions are made together. It’s always been ‘family’ money with equal access and we plan finances jointly. We also make decisions on how to raise DS jointly.

In terms of work, I’m not planning anything any time soon but if you’d like to work, then have a good think and do some research into different jobs. With the time and money you have, you can get some qualifications.

Are you receiving help for you mental health issues? Improving your mental health would really make a difference.

I have been a SAHM to preschoolers. It's boring and relentless. I have been a SAHM when the kids are in school. It's easy, stress free, low pressure, boring and relentless.
LOL at the blithe suggestions to "get a job" - the trap I found myself in (after being the higher earner in the household) that after the maternity leaves were done and the stressful 'no money' bit after you have babies and buy houses and stuff, once that's over, if you are a SAHM, your husband will be working non negotiable long hours earning the money to support you all. Any job will have to involve factoring in childcare or fit around school holidays and you will be the person responsible for pick ups etc. as your partner wont be able to change up.
Good luck finding a job like that when you have been out the game, have low confidence and your entire household expects you to cook, clean and manage them all.
Enjoy.

OhCaptain

You're having a laugh. The thread went on to judge, judge and judge some more about how lazy the OP is. She herself said she couldn't read all the responses. If she was reading that far, I wanted her to read something that wasn't 'you're an entitled sponger'.

Also I would love to know what makes you have the overarching verdict on what 'the truth is' about the OP's life. (Actually I wouldn't).

Oh captain 😂

There’s a couple of them at it, either trying to bizzarely turn it into a discussion in the value of a Sahm or trying to declare everyone is envious and her husband is loving it.

The fact rhe ops asked if it’s balanced and is intimating she should do even less, is apparantly not relevant..😂

@Bluntness100

Oh captain 😂

There’s a couple of them at it, either trying to bizzarely turn it into a discussion in the value of a Sahm or trying to declare everyone is envious and her husband is loving it.

The fact rhe ops asked if it’s balanced and is intimating she should do even less, is apparantly not relevant..😂

It's all a bit bonkers, isn't it?!

sorry - mine was also a mad rant! :)

OP I’m sorry you’ve been shot down by so many on here. I’m not a SAHM mum and often wish I was. However, I equally love my job and work hard to maintain a work/life balance. This is easier when everything is ticking along ok but much harder when things like sickness or stress throw things off kilter. Be kind to yourself by allowing yourself to have a break and explore your needs. If work feels too daunting and you don’t need to work then make better use of your nursery days so you can recharge and feel better able to tackle SAHM life (which is not easy by any means). Hope you have some good friends/family to talk to.

I had a similar life style OP. Kids didnt go to nursery and i was responsible for everything around the house. I was busy with everything and i really enjoyed my life.
However, when my youngest started preschool a few months ago, things really started to go downhill. The kids are out of the house a lot, but somehow i started enjoying them less in the times when they are at home. It makes no sense, but thats just how i felt. I still managed to fill my time, but i had more time for everything.
I actually got a job and just started recently and its made a big difference. I only work 1-2 days a week in a non-demanding role that fits around my kids, but it gave my life an overhaul and im much happier again now.
You dont necessarily need a job, but you need to find something that makes you happy and gives you purpose.

Being at home will make you feel worse OP. I think you need to find an outlet of your own. What else would you like to do? Even if it’s unpaid work.

I think your husband will get pressured eventually of having to pay everything. You need to change the balance here personally I wouldn’t use Nursey for £700!! Which meant I cannot afford to dine out or holiday it makes no sense.

You only have or DC at the minute. You surely cannot be spending 2 full days cleaning!! I’ve cleaned today (not all day) I have a night shift to do tonight also!

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

I have been a SAHM to preschoolers. It's boring and relentless. I have been a SAHM when the kids are in school. It's easy, stress free, low pressure, boring and relentless. LOL at the blithe suggestions to "get a job" - the trap I found myself in (after being the higher earner in the household) that after the maternity leaves were done and the stressful 'no money' bit after you have babies and buy houses and stuff, once that's over, if you are a SAHM, your husband will be working non negotiable long hours earning the money to support you all. Any job will have to involve factoring in childcare or fit around school holidays and you will be the person responsible for pick ups etc. as your partner wont be able to change up. Good luck finding a job like that when you have been out the game, have low confidence and your entire household expects you to cook, clean and manage them all. Enjoy.

Irrelevant because the OP has a cleaner and could very easily get a part time job in the two days that her husband is already paying for nursery...

This passive aggressive bitching about a person's post rather than to a person makes it impossible to defend yourself. But I suppose that's the point.

If it was a mad rant it was in response to people being sarcastic, patronising, and downright mean to the OP and I don't apologise for it.

You know the old saying, “if you want some thing done ask a busy person”, well it’s true, because the less you do, the less you want to do, you can’t be arsed with anything and you spiral down.

I think that’s what’s going on with the op.

@HRHPP

Do you really want my opinion ?

I am a single parent key worker ( frontline health ) and have no cleaner or child free days. I had cancer and ongoing health problems so actual real life threatening health problems and not ‘health anxiety’

How I wish my life was as stress free as yours . I don’t trust myself to say anything else . I really don’t .

Your post has made me feel more shit about my own life .

Chin up!! I’m sure your doing fine! I think OP didn’t mean any harm and I’m sure after reading a few comments OP will realise she is very lucky compared to some others.

I don't know . Part time jobs for just 2 days a week aren't easy to come by. Most employers prefer full time

FML you have it easy! Your husband sounds amazing.

Trying to prove yourself with something that never ends is hard. Feeling the need to prove yourself to your loved ones is a draining place to be in.

Yes, you have a lot of benefits others don't have, but our minds can often struggle to see that. There are methods/habits to retrain the brain and build an environment better for our wellbeing. It's not uncommon to dismiss as mild mental health issues that we feel we should be coping with even when they become a heavy load. Part of depression can be dismissing ourselves and our own pain.

Personally, I'd discuss expectations with your spouse, you may be placing the bar ridiculously high on yourself, set up a ticklist like the Secret Slob has so you can see what you've done - that often gets lost as the days blur together but seeing it can help. Also, look into resources for anxiety and possibly depression, and restructuring your days - time & space wise - for better well-being. Part of that will likely involve accomplishing something beyond the household - even if it isn't a moneymaking.

There is research and writing on what makes a good life and things that help our wellbeing - meaning, interests, and pleasure along with connection, contribution, and vitality show up cross-culturally to different degrees (the UK and US tend to prioritize pleasure and contribution over the others, sometimes to our detriment). The pleasure you may have more than most, but lacking the rest may be pulling you down and contributing to this fatigue and anxiety.

Your husband sounds like he's a decent human. You sound a bit self absorbed and don't know how good you have it, to be honest.

By all means re-train or follow another career path, but I think his expectations of you are low considering the 'rewards' you get.

@Amimissingsomethinghere I am sure you realise by now that as far as SAHMness goes, you've got it good. I don't begrudge you that, I would have loved that instead of working when mine were small.

Truly, if you aren't getting any rest on the two nursery days each week anyway, then it's a bit pointless. Perhaps saving the £700 and putting some of it towards seeing a therapist for your anxiety?