My husband is miserable because he thinks our marriage isn't working. I was happy until he said this...

[IGJ10]

I've been married to my husband for 2 and a bit years - it's my first marriage, his second. I love him to bits. Around a year ago, I had some issues with trusting him - I found some excessively flirty/sexual messages with some of his longstanding female friends on his phone. He was open about the fact that he is very flirty with some of his old female friends because it helps his self esteem (which is painfully low - he has often questioned whether he's good enough for me and expressed feelings of disgust about himself). He let me have full access to his phone and changed the way he interacted with these friends, but I felt betrayed that even after we'd married he still needed that validation from other females. I can be honest and say I went from a confident, independent woman to a bit of an emotional mess. Initially I managed to deal with this quite well and we were very honest with each other. At the same time (earlier this year), he started a new job and a member of his team who is very young and pretty has been texting him a lot. And he responded - again, whilst not crossing the line officially (messages were mostly about work) there was a very flirty overtone and when I saw the messages I flipped out. Whilst he has, once again, amended the nature of his messages with her (and he shows me them when I ask), I've met this girl and it's obvious she's besotted with him and gives his ego a massive boost. He claims he feels just friendship towards her and I've accepted that and we've carried on as normal. I haven't asked to see any of his messages for 6 months.

A few weeks ago he told me he wasn't sure about our future, he feels unhappy and has been feeling like he's going through the motions. This was a shock to me. Particularly as he said he'd actually been feeling this way for well over a year (long before I saw the first bunch of flirty messages). I'm aware that my paranoia and trust issues affected him but I felt I'd resolved them and we were getting on an even keel. We've been talking about buying a house and starting a family. I asked him today if he has feelings for that girl and he said "I don't know. Possibly. I don't know what I feel or why I feel." He said he loves me. I asked him what's wrong with the marriage and he said he doesn't know. Despite everything, I've shown him total trust, even after what we went through. I am confused. We are hopefully going to start counselling but any pearls of wisdom would be appreciated. Apologies that this is so long.

This is incredibly frustrating to read. Once your husband admits he has feelings for another person you don't desperately try to analyze him and put things right. You find your self respect and you LEAVE. You have no DC, you haven't yet built a house you have a get out of jail free card. Now is the time to go.

He really saw you coming OP. Stop being so nice passive and find your anger. Get rid of this prick before he destroys your self esteem so much you won't be able to.

The warning signs are there. As others said, get out before you have a house and kids. Otherwise, it will be very difficult to leave even if you have made up your mind to do so.

It's not even just about him texting other women, is it?

He says, 2 years in, he's uncertain about you. And may have fallen for someone else.

He's looking for the exit. Counselling won't save this, it will waste valuable time though if you want children.

This really sucks, OP, he's just not into the whole thing anymore and that's very sad in the short term although my guess is that later down the line, you'll feel lucky (when he goes onto his third wife, trailing his harem of female friends and starts sexting another younger woman in the office).

@veryfuckingpeeved

I'm so sorry OP. This is really hard. I'm afraid all I can do is share my story, which is that my husband has 'low self esteem' and was engaging in this kind of messaging with women. Unfortunately, I ignored the warning signs, listened to his promises of change, and I'm now in the situation where I've recently discovered that he's had an affair. The more I forgave him and agreed to give it one more go, the more his bad behaviour escalated.

He also did the whole 'I'm not sure this is right but I can't put my finger on why' thing. In hindsight, I know exactly what it was. It was because he quite liked having a wife at home and the security of that, but the 'thing' was that the marriage was rather inconvenient when he wanted to shag other women. It wasn't anything to do with me, or really the relationship itself being 'wrong'. He's just the sort of person who just doesn't want the inconvenience of having to resist temptation, and it really doesn't matter who he's married to.

Sorry OP because I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear. Whatever you decide, I hope you find the happiness and security you deserve.

I know exactly what it was. It was because he quite liked having a wife at home and the security of that, but the 'thing' was that the marriage was rather inconvenient when he wanted to shag other women. It wasn't anything to do with me, or really the relationship itself being 'wrong'

^This

He has shown you his true colours dont try and repaint them . Painful as it is my advice is get out now you are worth way more than that.

Of course he won't say he doesn't love you, by doing this he's keeping you on the hook, it's another ego boost for him to keep you dangling! If he said he didn't love you, you could move on and he'd rather you didn't.

Personally I'd be telling him to move out until he's decided what he wants. You can also take that time to decide if you want to play second fiddle to his ever increasing ego

@littlenickyy61

He has shown you his true colours dont try and repaint them . Painful as it is my advice is get out now you are worth way more than that.

Think about every time you make excuses for his behaviour or make the comment he might change.

Go and count them on this thread if need be.

Its a measure of how much he's destroyed your own self worth.

You see the positive in people. Step back for a second and consider the very real possibility its misplaced. Everytime you make an excuse you are demonstrating irs misplaced optimism.

I know exactly what it was. It was because he quite liked having a wife at home and the security of that, but the 'thing' was that the marriage was rather inconvenient when he wanted to shag other women. It wasn't anything to do with me, or really the relationship itself being 'wrong'

^This. I never understand why women ask why cheating men are unfaithful if they appear to love their wives and have a happy home life. Surely the answer is 'because they want to, because they enjoy it, and because they can'?

So he'll go into counselling 'with an open mind'? Then it probably won't work, it isn't a magic wand. You have to go into counselling really wanting to change and for the therapy to help you work out how you've got to where you are and find ways to change your mindset and your behaviour. He's not doing that.

Suppose you do both go into therapy. He says the scales have fallen from his eyes and from now on it's going to be different. Simple questions - would you believe him? Would you trust him? Even though he's said he'll change before, and gone back to exactly the same behaviour? Even though he can say whatever he wants, he doesn't have to mean it. It just looks like he's trying.

Around a year ago, I had some issues with trusting him - I found some excessively flirty/sexual messages with some of his longstanding female friends on his phone.

This was a shock to me. Particularly as he said he'd actually been feeling this way for well over a year (long before I saw the first bunch of flirty messages).

He could be being economical with the truth. Either there were messages before that, with the same woman or another one, that you didn't see, or his withdrawal goes back to that time but he's saying it wasn't to throw you off the scent.

And I can sum up my post very simply: actions speak louder than words.

Gosh op. This is the very definition of eyes wide shut, I think you’re in it till he dumps you. Sad for you. But you will come out the other side of it. 💐

@Pikachubaby

I would even pull him up on his supposed low-self-esteem-get-out-of-jail card and say :” your self esteem is so big, that one woman isn’t good enough for you as you think you deserve more. That is not low self esteem, that’s actually a massive ego”

This. His self esteem isn’t struggling much if he thinks he can snag this younger woman and is confident enough to be pissing on his marriage before he goes in for the new girl. His ego seems fine to me, the problem is he doesn’t care about you.

OP - He is broken and he loves having the attention of all these females.
You are falling into the classic role if "fixer".
But it's not your job to fix him - it's his job to fix himself
You gave already seen how building his ego destroys your self worth - he's got you nalinv excuses for hid behaviour.
Do not waste another second on this man child or you'll be there for another 3 wasted years - and he will cheat even if he hasn't already. He def has emotionally.
Put yourself first and stop fighting for this turd - do you really want win a turd?!

IGJ10

Your marriage is over.

He wants the chase, the ego boost, other women.

He absolutely doesn't want counselling because he doesn't want the marriage

Please wake up, stop apologising for his behaviour stop taking the blame, the whole problem is him.

He is a lying good for nothing shit.

He sounds like a cheating twat.

@DrDavidBanner
Thank you

OP, just because you are a decent person doesn't mean you can happily assume he is.

Clearly he is not.

He has already broken your vows several times by his actions IMO and you were only married 5 minutes.

You are kidding yourself if you think counselling will fix him.

He has huge ego that can't be satisfied by just one woman.

His ego will always need stroking.

He's hanging onto you until he has decided on his next victim.

He sounds like such a weak, shallow man.

I certainly wouldn't think he is father material.

I hope you're seeing the imbalance in this relationship a little clearer now OP.

You've given him all the power in this marriage, and to a certain extent are trying to mummy him all better from his 'lapses'.

I have read every post - having never done this before I’m both overwhelmed and grateful for all the responses. I know I have a lot to think about. When I first posted, I was really expecting explanations as to why someone might feel a marriage has changed without knowing why. I see instead that almost everyone thinks I need out. I know I have to take it as a sign. The ‘weak?’ part of me/part that loves him wants to give counselling a go but I again find it interesting that no one thinks it will work. I’m also interested to know if everyone thinks sending flirty texts constitutes cheating, even when being open about it.

It is the preamble to cheating, quite close to emotional cheating. It hurts you by seeding doubts in you, and he should care about this. Which he seems to have done. At least so far you are being honest with each other and can talk to each other. Which could mean you can get out of it.

I know most posters have said leave. And they could be right. You are the only one who knows if it feels like he is true when he says he wants to try counselling.
The most important thing is that you make sure you look after yourself, and put yourself first. And if you do not trust him, then end it.

It’s not just the flirty messages, that’s minimising it. If it was just that you’d not have the responses you have, It’s been flirty with other women from the start, and likely way more than you know about, then this young colleague,and he’s now even looked you in the eye and told you he’s basically for feelings for her, he’s now preparing you for his exit.

Don’t get me wrong, he will play along for a bit. But he’s out op. And he has been for a long time. He perceives he’s made a mistake. He just wants to do it with minimal pain for both of you.

At the same time you’re trying to justify this as some form of mental illness, something he wants to fix, something he can fix. And that you’re occupying a special saviour role who will help him achieve this nirvana.

This guys been over the side from the start. He should not have married you, it was unfair on you, I’m sorry,

Would you accept him shagging someone else if he was being open about it?

You're not weak for being in love with your husband. Come on OP you know this and you must know that he is the weak one.
At a time like this you need to stop all the negativeness about yourself.
You are strong, you are intelligent, you are clearly articulate and sound very kind.

I can't see one post here suggesting his messages to other women are acceptable and not cheating.
He's betrayed you, he doesn't respect you, he will always needs a multitude of women to boost his ego, he's a creep for cracking on to younger women, so really there is nothing appealing about this man.

My advice would be to chuck him out of the house so YOU can gather your thoughts and put yourself first.
I imagine if you assert yourself like this he will hate it so be careful, he sounds like he could turn nasty. I guess he has a misogynistic streak in him.

The ‘weak?’ part of me/part that loves him wants to give counselling a go but I again find it interesting that no one thinks it will work.

I know little about counselling. But from how you've described this man, it seems that everything is about his feelings, his needs, his self-esteem, his sadness at being called out on his behaviour. It seems very likely that he will just use counselling as another opportunity to try and focus even more attention on poor little him and why he should be allowed to do what he wants.

I imagine if you assert yourself like this he will hate it so be careful, he sounds like he could turn nasty. I guess he has a misogynistic streak in him

I don’t agree with this, there is nothing to suggest he’s violent or even misogynistic, I think he’d just go, and I think the op knows it.