DH wants to leave me and 2yr old

[TaurusMama]

Says he provides everything and I give no attention in return. He says since our son came along 2 years ago, I have shown zero interest and give him the cold shoulder most of the time.

I have put all of my energy into our son, I'm well aware of that and find it rally difficult to get a balance. I'm a SAHM and my identity and confidence is lost.

We got off to a tough start with our boy, colic/reflux and his temperament now is highly sensitive, so he is demanding and uses pretty much each ounce of my energy.

Come the evening, I just want to relax with DH and enjoy watching something. He suffers with depression and I feel a pressure to pick him up.. He doesn't want to go counselling together or on his own, but admits he might need to in the future.

I have nothing of my own in terms of personal finances, we share [his] money.

We have a few resentments and angers that have clearly built up over the years, we've been together 16 years.

He says how much i have changed as a person since having our son.

Really not sure what to do here.. he wants more attention, affection from me and i seem to have built up a wall.. and i have if i really think about it.. :/

we have also moved and both have no friends, he is WFH and I am SAHM..

I'm hoping things could change when our boy goes nursery next year, date tbc.. and i get an job/make an income to contribute, i think he feels pressure..

he also can't handle our toddler too well, his character, when he tantrums, he looks genuinely stressed and anxious - even says things like 'i'm so sick of this'

He's a selfish cunt. What kind of affection is he wanting? Does he pay you attention and give you affection, a hug, a kiss etc? Ask him what he thought life would be like with a kid. He needs to pull his finger out, stop whinging and start being an active parent.

he wants regular sex, hugs and kisses in the morning apparently i'm very cold to him..

when he said he wanted out he also said 'the world is my oyster' i think he wants to sleep around and go be on his own deep down..

I must admit i'm trying to hold it together right now, but feel so sad and have shed a few tears at the thought this is actually happening to me, but i will also accept it and try my best to move forward..

he said he can't cope [being a parent]

Ugh. You'll be much happier when he fucks off.

Stick in a claim for UC and CMS and start prioritising yourself, instead of the jealous five year old your husband has become.

Don't shoot me but when you married him you did make promises to him and to your relationship.. If you admit they have slipped - albeit to grow /nurture /raise a dc - you still have a commitment to maintain...

when he said he wanted out he also said 'the world is my oyster'

He's a fucking twat, a useless one at that.

Don't shoot me but when you married him you did make promises to him and to your relationship.. If you admit they have slipped - albeit to grow /nurture /raise a dc - you still have a commitment to maintain

I see the surrendered wives have arrived. The husband made promises too or do they not count?

Why is he selfish ?
He’s pointing out that he wants a wife, not just a mother of his child
Perfectly reasonable if a marriage is to work

However, you both need to understand how you can achieve that ? What is he suggesting you both do to improve things ?

It sounds like you both are stuck in a rut and could do with some help to get out of it. Its very hard having a two year old, and it is also very hard if there is no affection.

Why won't he try marriage counselling?

we are definitely stuck in a rut..

he isn't a fan of things like counselling..

i do agree i need to improve things, as does he.. I will ask him the question on what he suggests.. he has already said that he feels more affection will improve things..

Ha ha my dh would laugh if I said I had been accused of being a surrendered dw!!

We had something similar OP, we both started to make small changes and it made a huge difference. Really small things like more touching, giving slightly more attention in the evenings after DC in bed, offering cups of tea, initiating sex etc. It softened us both. We had just become a bit hardened with life I think and shut each other out

Has he been to the GP to get antidepressants? If he is depressed it's not your job to fix him. You can only support him to seek help. Not depressed enough to have sex though. Not depressed enough for that. But depressed enough to not do other things.
He's a grown man. He's a parent now.

I agree with millymolly, he is allowed to have wants & needs.

I have nothing of my own in terms of personal finances, we share [his] money

You've been together 16 years, did you have your own income and could you go back to same field of work?

Sorry but he's being very unreasonable. When you have small DC things change, as do priorities. DH and I are exhausted by night time, we do our best to make an effort for each other but also acknowledge it's a difficult time and the kids are so demanding, they get most of our attention. We both know it's just a stage and that things will improve.

But it founds like the OP's husband is being very demanding, guilt tripping her, and basically not wanting the life that parenthood brings. How much does he do round the house? Does he realise how much you do, how demanding being a SAHM is? It doesn't sound like it.

I'd suggest counselling for him, but you're doing nothing wrong OP. Please don't let him make you feel guilty.

I agree with him to an extent. But:
Just because you have kids it doesn't mean you stop being a husband or wife. Both of you need to find a way to make it work, it isn't down to just you.

You can't just put a relationship, and the affection that comes with it, on hold indefinitely because there's now a child in the mix. He needs to understand potentially you aren't going to want sex as much but cuddles between husband and wife are, imo, important to keep the spark going.

On the other hand though if he wants to leave and not work on it, he should leave. You can't keep someone in a relationship they don't want to be in.

Does he do anything with your 2 year old, or around the house? If he's going to work, coming home and sitting on his arse expecting you to run around after the toddler, cook food and do bedtime every night then I understand where you are coming from. What were things like before you had a baby? Did he do his fair share then?

Relationships take work. Most won't survive if one or both people involved switch off from their partner for years, even if it is in the early child rearing years.

Saying that more affection will improve things is completely fair. I think everyone is entitled to ask for more affection and it doesn't make them a bad person. He sounds like he is willing to work on things, are you willing to do the same?

What would you like him to do more of?

Why is he a selfish cunt? What’s wrong with actually wanting a marriage and not just co parenting? It is possible to be both a wife and a mother. A husband and a father.

You’re not some surrendered wife if you think it’s possible to have a relationship two years after having a child

Is he leaving you or telling you he is unhappy and if things don't change then he will leave?
If he is leaving you then focus on the practicalities- finances, childcare arrangements, putting in any claims you will be making asap etc.
If he is saying he is not happy then you do need to listen as well as talk. Is there any truth in what he is saying? I went off intimacy after children, and my partner found it hard and after talking and both trying harder, now we are in a better place. But it took talking and listening and time. Do you actually want to make it work? Not for your child or for financial reasons but for you? What would he need to change? I find it bizarre that he thinks your relationship is on the verge of ending but thinks counselling is not for now but the future - does he not even want to try? It sounds like he leaves everything to you as he finds parenting hard and then you are physically and mentally exhausted as well as resentful - is this right? If so what practical small steps could he take to change things? Not sure what else to say as I'm not sure what you actually want from this situation - if he is a really useless dad and pressuring you for sex while leaving everything to you then you may be better off getting out. Also getting a job even something small may really help with the loss of identity - I had an easy ish first child and I didnt realise how much I hadn't been feeling like myself until I went back to work and just felt normal again (easier said than done at the moment I know)

Hi OP, for what it's worth I'd say it sounds like there are faults on both sides here.

Having a child is tough and it does change things. Moving recently has made you both feel isolated (plus general Covid shitness stressing everyone out won't be helping!) Also if he's depressed and not taking any responsibility for his recovery, that's hard for you both too.

What I would say though is that he's at fault for jumping from "I'm unhappy" to "I'm leaving and the world is my oyster" - he's going nuclear instead of expressing his feelings, asking you for more affection and looking for a way forward as a family. That might be partly down to the depression, but it's still really shitty of him.

I think you need to work out if you want to try to fight for your family or if you're ok with him leaving. It sounds like you don't have the energy to be the only one trying to keep things together, which in my opinion is fair enough. It takes two to do the work and if he's out the door already in his mind then you'd have a real struggle to turn that around.

Personally I think you need to say some of this to him and say that counselling is a deal-breaker - if he wants to stay. But if he really wants to go and has made his decision then you are almost certainly better off letting him go.

Good luck X

Agree with those who are pointing out that he married a woman a partner, a lover, a friend and not just a mother for his kids...

It is understandable that he would miss affection and intimacy in a marriage and would feel rejected. Especially after 2 years...

Imagine if it was the other way around and if a husband told his wife that now that you are parents he only sees her as a mother and no longer wants to have sex with her or share any kind of intimacy. How would people feel about that?

Hopefully there is still time to talk this through and try to reconnect and I disagree with those who are calling him selfish.

Honestly? Get rid of him. You'll feel a lot better without having a man around pestering you for intimacy. I find nothing as repulsive as a male that sulks about not getting a bit of sex. If sex and intimacy are that important to him, he can go find it with someone else.

I find it bizarre that he thinks your relationship is on the verge of ending but thinks counselling is not for now but the future - does he not even want to try?

It sounds like he knows what he wants and has expressed clearly what he thinks will make it better for him, in that case I can see why he doesn't think counselling is needed.

If I were him and expressed to my partner that I needed more affection and intimacy in the relationship or else I was considering leaving I probably wouldn't go to counselling either!

We are a bit like you, but the other way round. My husband has been much less affectionate and attentive, and much more irritable, since our daughter was born. She’s 2 now. He is totally focused on being Daddy, both because he genuinely loves her, but probably also largely because she never questions his ‘authority’ in the way that I might, so it’s an easier relationship for him. He can just bask in being adored.

From my perspective, I feel as though my useful purpose is over and I am a second class citizen. I do most of the child care and all the cooking and I don’t feel valued at all. I had no idea my husband would react in this way to fatherhood, or I would certainly have thought twice about having a child with him

So, I would ask, what can you do to make him feel loved and valuable, as well as your child? You can only change your own behaviour, not his.