DH wants to leave me and 2yr old

[TaurusMama]

Says he provides everything and I give no attention in return. He says since our son came along 2 years ago, I have shown zero interest and give him the cold shoulder most of the time.

I have put all of my energy into our son, I'm well aware of that and find it rally difficult to get a balance. I'm a SAHM and my identity and confidence is lost.

We got off to a tough start with our boy, colic/reflux and his temperament now is highly sensitive, so he is demanding and uses pretty much each ounce of my energy.

Come the evening, I just want to relax with DH and enjoy watching something. He suffers with depression and I feel a pressure to pick him up.. He doesn't want to go counselling together or on his own, but admits he might need to in the future.

I have nothing of my own in terms of personal finances, we share [his] money.

We have a few resentments and angers that have clearly built up over the years, we've been together 16 years.

He says how much i have changed as a person since having our son.

Really not sure what to do here.. he wants more attention, affection from me and i seem to have built up a wall.. and i have if i really think about it.. :/

we have also moved and both have no friends, he is WFH and I am SAHM..

I'm hoping things could change when our boy goes nursery next year, date tbc.. and i get an job/make an income to contribute, i think he feels pressure..

he also can't handle our toddler too well, his character, when he tantrums, he looks genuinely stressed and anxious - even says things like 'i'm so sick of this'

It's the fact he's openly talking about absconding and leaving you to be a full time single parent while he gallivants around that would do it for me. Did he actually mean that, that he will happily abandon you and his child so he can pretend he isn't a father?

Lots of posters telling the OP she should be a wife as well as a mother... but what does the OP need in return?

If your DH wants you to pay him more attention and put on make-up / whatever... what does he need to do for you to enable that (to give you the time and energy)?

Maybe he needs to start doing making lunches for you all to give you a breather half way through the day, or maybe it would help if he took on the evening childcare? Or just acknowledged that you're doing the best job you can in very difficult circumstances (has he ever admitted that you're looking after your child nearly 24/7 when he apparently struggles to handle him)?

You need to stop thinking of your child as 'highly sensitive.'

@TaurusMama

i guess another flip side to all this is i don't feel attractive or confident at all.. i look like a mess most days - so i need to start with looking after myself too..

You need to start looking after yourself make time for your own needs, things that make you feel good as you did before the baby. You say you had to get a cleaner because you could not cope with the house. You feel you are drowning. I think you need to have a chat with someone you sound very depressed yourself.

If my OH had become distant and not loving I would have given up after two years and decided I wanted out. Men are simple creatures he must be wondering where the attractive confident loving woman went.

It is so hard during covid to have any sort of life at all. Put all your feelings down on paper or an e mail and tell him how you feel, get him to read it whilst you are out for a walk. He obviously still cares about you and fancies you or he would not be upset about the lack of affection.

Men are simple creatures???

Bloody hell!

No. They're people. Good, bad and indifferent. With varying personalities. Just like women.

The OP's husband isn't even kind to her. Why the hell should she be 'loving'?

The first 2 years is mumsy mode time. I found after 2 years was when I started to want to find myself and get back in touch with things I liked to do before I was a mum. I say that as someone who went back to work full-time after 5 months of mat leave. In a way it's easier to maintain some identity when you work. I don't think aiming to be a SAHM is ever a wise move, it's at least a good idea to have some nursery time, better for your child to get used to you not being his entire world. If you were not happy with the nursery, you should of tried another,. It makes sense to have some time apart each other, you need some 'me time' to find your identity.
Did you have friends before you moved, I hope the relationship is not what has cut you off? If neither of you had other friends before DS then your relationship has always been unhealthy and co-dependent.

Can I surrender?! Please?! Does it mean I can sleep with Don Draper?

Goodness, the advice on this thread . Your husband is unkind to you,
dumps all the household and parenting shit on you, doesn't muck in at all and then wonders why you're distant and seem to have lost some of yourself. And you're the one who's meant to solve this? Your feelings and actions are a direct response to the situation you've found yourself in.

Sometimes it's enough to make your partner feel "loving" to say on a weekend morning, "I know you slept badly and were up with DC so I'll tidy the kitchen and take them for a walk while you sleep in". Has your husband ever tried this, OP?

he also can't handle our toddler too well, his character, when he tantrums, he looks genuinely stressed and anxious - even says things like 'i'm so sick of this'

Abhorrent.

Nasty piece of work, generally. I wonder if he's met someone else? Bet he un-depresses himself then. I'd think she's welcome to him, and you had best get your paperwork together. You are his wife lest he forgets, and entitled to your share of any assets.

You sound really mellow in the face of his idiocy, including the way he speaks to you, and swerves bonding with your child. When are you going to get angry?! It will do you good and make you wake up and move. By the way take a screenshot/copy of any important financial documents.

This man is telling you the score and you need to heed it.

Next time your son cries, tell him he needs to go and sort it.

When he says "but you'll be doing it alone soon..." tell him
"And so will you when he's at yours for your weekend, you need to learn how to settle him".

If he mentions splitting up in a daytime, suggest he does bedtime for when he needs to do it on his own when DS sleeps over.

Basically there it back to him. Make it clear you aren't planning on meeting him just skip freely into the sunset.

Beyond that, the marriage won't last unless you both compromise. Once he finishes work, any jobs in the house are split. He needs to cook X times a week / wash up X times a week, etc not sit on his bum ignoring his son, waiting for his tea and moaning he's getting no sex

If he wants regular sex and a cuddle in the mornings, why can't you give him that OP. It is not an unreasonable request. In return he can help around the house more so you are less tired.

Sounds like your 2 year old rules the house not you

Can people who have only read the first post, and then write something in support of the husband, PLEASE read the thread before posting!!

Over the course of the thread, op has detailed examples of where he has behaved abhorrently.

Op, please ignore the posters who haven't bothered to read about how thoroughly nasty and unsupportive your husband is.

@grassisjeweled

Can I surrender?! Please?! Does it mean I can sleep with Don Draper?

Why on earth would you want to? He was a horrible husband too...

He is selfish, needy and demanding. He sounds like a terrible husband and father. What on earth does he do for you and your son, apart from earning money to support the family (which he would have to do anyway, to support himself)?

He just sounds so nasty, threatening to leave if you don't give him more sex, sorry if things don't change (ha), retorting that you'll have to do it by yourself soon anyway, criticising your parenting when he's leaving you to struggle because you're doing it all by yourself.

I'd be amazed if you felt like having sex with him tbh.

He doesn't have the kind of depression that requires treatment (seeing GP and getting medication and/or counselling) or the kind of depression that inhibits his libido... but it is the kind of depression that makes him incapable of parenting or considering your needs - how very convenient for him.

LTB.

"Men are simple creatures he must be wondering where the attractive confident loving woman went."

For the love of God!
Perhaps she collapsed under the weight of all the demands placed on her by single handedly parenting their child, looking after their house and dealing with a selfish needy excuse for a husband!

I'm sorry for responding again but your situation is playing on my mind.
What this "man" is doing to you is abuse, mental and emotional abuse. He is holding you to ransom and you need to put a stop to it. Hes a bully and the only way to stop a bully is to stand up to them.
You can get support through Social Services to help with your Son. You can refer yourself if you are struggling to manage but to be honest he sounds like he's reacting to his surroundings which as I said will improve when you're away from this situation.
Its not going to be easy but you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. Good Luck x

If my OH had become distant and not loving I would have given up after two years and decided I wanted out.
Har har har. If my oh thought I had become distant and not loving last year or two and seemed to forget I had a baby two years ago and he has done fuck all to help with said baby I’d be the one who wanted out, you can’t fix selfish asshole. I’d be very very tempted to just push him off a cliff.

@pinkyredrose

Don't shoot me but when you married him you did make promises to him and to your relationship.. If you admit they have slipped - albeit to grow /nurture /raise a dc - you still have a commitment to maintain

I see the surrendered wives have arrived. The husband made promises too or do they not count?

😆 @pinkyredrose

It's not the statement that I found bad - yes if you're married you should try. What I found galling is the total absence of advice, support or acknowledgement.

The world is my oyster statement was appalling from him. It shows arrogance. If it relates to women, he must think he's very handsome to think he can shag around all the time or have women hanging off of him.

OP, do you actually even want to be affectionate to him? I really sympathise with his needs but I'd find it difficult in light if that.

Im sorry you’re going through this. Your partner is selfish, and saying you are cold in the morning and not giving him attention/kisses etc. Is he a child as well? Does he say to you, how was your night? How are YOU?

I agree with a PP dont think your child is highly sensitive- he’s not - he’s 2 which is a challenging age. But he wont always be 2 it will get easier as he’s older.

Your DP, well running out on you and leaving you to it and saying well you’ll be doing it on your own soon is shocking. Perhaps you need to go out and leave him to it?

Hi OP, I think you should have counselling for you , to discuss all of this and your own hopes and dreams with someone impartial and professional. This person can help you to find out what you want in your life and can also help you to find the strength to leave this awful man. You may also need to contact Women's Aid to get concrete advice on how you can proceed as this man is emotionally abusive to you.

And for all the surrendered wives with stupid advice on here, please before you post and embarrass yourselves, RTFT.

@caringcarer

If he wants regular sex and a cuddle in the mornings, why can't you give him that OP. It is not an unreasonable request. In return he can help around the house more so you are less tired.

Cringe.....have you read the full thread? Men aren’t machines that you input cuddles and sex into in exchange for ‘help’ around the house

So he won't do his share around the house.
He won't care for his own child.
He's critical and unkind to you.

And some posters think the answer is for you to give him more sex and attention???

If he wants you to have more time for him, he needs to give you more time by taking on half the parenting.
If he won't do that then he's not worth your time.

I can understand some of the advice given based on the first post. I would be upset if my DH didn't give me kisses or hugs. But we both take care of our child and feel like a team. It's not hard to be a wife when DH is my best friend and we're in this together.

The problem is your DH is horrible to you and you'd probably be better off without him. He has tried to manipulate you into submission by "threatening" to leave you and telling you stuff like you will need to get used to doing this when I'm not here anymore. Wtf. I would tell him to leave right there and then!!

He is disgusting towards you so of course you don't want to give him affection and with his attitude towards your child, you're probably losing respect for him which would kill any attraction you might feel towards him.

If there were no money or house issues, would you want to end the relationship?

@caringcarer

If he wants regular sex and a cuddle in the mornings, why can't you give him that OP. It is not an unreasonable request. In return he can help around the house more so you are less tired.

OFGS

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