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Original poster

DH wants to leave me and 2yr old

146 replies

TaurusMama · 15/11/2020 13:02

Says he provides everything and I give no attention in return. He says since our son came along 2 years ago, I have shown zero interest and give him the cold shoulder most of the time.

I have put all of my energy into our son, I'm well aware of that and find it rally difficult to get a balance. I'm a SAHM and my identity and confidence is lost.

We got off to a tough start with our boy, colic/reflux and his temperament now is highly sensitive, so he is demanding and uses pretty much each ounce of my energy.

Come the evening, I just want to relax with DH and enjoy watching something. He suffers with depression and I feel a pressure to pick him up.. He doesn't want to go counselling together or on his own, but admits he might need to in the future.

I have nothing of my own in terms of personal finances, we share [his] money.

We have a few resentments and angers that have clearly built up over the years, we've been together 16 years.

He says how much i have changed as a person since having our son.

Really not sure what to do here.. he wants more attention, affection from me and i seem to have built up a wall.. and i have if i really think about it.. :/

we have also moved and both have no friends, he is WFH and I am SAHM..

I'm hoping things could change when our boy goes nursery next year, date tbc.. and i get an job/make an income to contribute, i think he feels pressure..

he also can't handle our toddler too well, his character, when he tantrums, he looks genuinely stressed and anxious - even says things like 'i'm so sick of this'

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 15/11/2020 18:27

You have been together 16 years, there are what 13 years pre-pregnancy.

Talk to him. If you want to stay together that is.
What is a couple of years blip in the grand scheme of things.

Tell him you are tired, you want the best start for your child, that yes you do have a marriage but you also have a small, amazing human you have brought into this world to nurture and enjoy.

He might financially provide everything but that's not everything for your son is it? Love, care, nurture, fun, security. It's his son as well.

Lockdown, moving away from friends, having no other adults around to sound off too can all take a strain.

Don't you miss sex?

Do you still fancy him?

Honestly when son is asleep spending 45 minutes getting horny on the couch does wonders for your brain as well as other bits but you orgasm in your brain. It brings you closer together. Then you can watch Netflix and slope to bed. It does help, good sex, it brings you closer together as a couple to face the rest of the world. He is working from home does DS nap? Can you forget the housework a couple of afternoons a week? Only if you want to of course.

Unless of course you are not really there with the relationship anymore either.

Sounds like a rut.

What do you want?

Bourbonbiccy · 15/11/2020 18:30

Ok, so OP you admit you struggle to be a mum and a wife. And have admitted to putting up a wall.
Your DH is entitled to say he wants affection like he used to get, obviously he shouldn't have to demand it, nor should he want to demand it. But if you have home from being cuddly and Lovely to not being he is entitled to say that's not a relationship he wants.

OP, you have to work out why your walls have come up. Is it because of the way he parents ? Do you want him to do more, although if he does a bit of cooking and you have a cleaner, you can work out what's left and what's fair to share. You are also within your rights to say he's not living to his end if the bargain as a father, husband.

End solution, you are both not happy, work at it together, go to counselling or split. Life's to short to live it being unhappy, for both of you.

PumpkinCheater · 15/11/2020 18:47

I'm not hearing that he gives you lots of attention or affection either. More like he thinks it's your job to do all the emotional labour in the house - caring for your DS essentially alone (which is very hard, especially with a highly sensitive child), plus shouldering the burden of managing your DH's moods and emotions (which he refuses to take responsibility for himself via counselling etc).

user1294729492759 · 15/11/2020 18:52

we haven't been intimate for about 5 weeks and i can see it's really taken a toll

5 weeks? As in 35 days? And he's got you thinking that's some kind of ordeal?!

Namenic · 15/11/2020 18:53

2bazookas - why would an adult resent a toddler for getting attention?

Both OP and her DH need to make an effort. She has suggested counselling and seeing gp for depression. She knows she needs to be more affectionate, but her DH does not seem to make an effort himself and says some pretty mean things. OP - sounds like it would be worth talking to him and maybe giving it a try IF he is willing to make an effort too?

dustbunnybun · 15/11/2020 18:57

From what you say about him not being able to or not wanting to handle your son's tantrums etc, it sounds like your husband is quite emotionally immature.

It also sounds like he has some unmet needs of his own (e.g. affection) and doesn't know how to communicate this in a rational, respectful way.

I don't understand why anyone would NOT want to try counselling to attempt to better understand one another and their marriage/relationship.

Tbh, it sounds like your husband is really having one big tantrum of his own.

Glossyrocks · 15/11/2020 19:19

my identity and confidence is lost.

This is the most important bit, forgetting about him for a minute and considering yourself. From what you have posted it doesn't sound like youre having a ball at the moment either, and trying to strike more of a balance and feeling better for you will likely as a side effect be a good indicator of where the relationship is at. He has spoken to you like arse by the sound of it, but only you can reflect and see if beneath the nastiness there's some things that resonate.

MessAllOver · 15/11/2020 19:24

The solution's probably the same whether you want him to stay or go...

Take him seriously and make out that you think separating is a good idea. Ask him to move out to give you space and start talking about selling the house, going back to work and shared care. I imagine he'll backtrack quite quickly.

cansu · 15/11/2020 19:27

Maybe you need to start thinking about what you want and need from a partner. It works both ways. I imagine you would rather he was an engaged parent to your son. He isn't wrong to want more of a close relationship with you but he is wrong to think that he can just demand it and make it all your issue. If you have fallen out of love with him, what is he doing to change things?

TheHoneyBadger · 15/11/2020 19:48

People are very forgiving. He has basically said put out or I'll walk out. He doesn't want to fix his problem with fatherhood or alleged depression. Op says she wants to curl up with him in the evening so she's hardly not paying him attention or not spending time with him.

He sits in darkened rooms apparently depressed (while op is left to do everything for their child and living with the atmosphere) but refuses counselling. He complains he isn't getting sex and threatens to walk out on his wife and baby if not.

In his mind the world is his oyster because apparently the world is full of women looking for a depressed man who doesn't want to parent his on child and would abandon them over his wife not putting out for a while.

How on earth is she meant to feel like sex with him?

Original poster
TaurusMama · 15/11/2020 20:33

@Blossomhill4 i totally agree

OP posts:
Original poster
TaurusMama · 15/11/2020 20:36

our son not going to bed, all of a sudden for the past week he has started screaming and crying... only wants to be held by me to sleep, I'm so exhausted and at the end of my tether.. husband criticises me saying i still can't put him to bed properly after 2 years..

i literally feel like fucking screaming until my head falls off.. i'm so so angry and hurt by all of this...

i well and truly feel entirely on my own..

OP posts:
VivaMiltonKeynes · 15/11/2020 20:57

Really not sure what to do here.. he wants more attention, affection from me and i seem to have built up a wall.. and i have if i really think about it.. :/

You said it and sadly there are too many women who turn into "mummies" at the expense of their relationship;

porridgepamela · 15/11/2020 21:07

‘You’ll be doing it on your own soon.’

That is so chilling and uncaring - I couldn’t get over that being said to me, I’d be devastated. I hope you and your lovely DS are able to access some support Flowers

timeisnotaline · 15/11/2020 21:07

I think you’ve realised he’s just not that much good as a husband or father. If he says you get him, you’ll be doing it on your own soon. you should reply You get him, you won’t have me babysitting your contact time. Unless you mean your leaving means you will never see your child again? When good dads end a relationship they establish a contact schedule because they love their children.

GlowingOrb · 15/11/2020 21:10

He needs to recognize that this is being a parent of a young child. It’s the time of life when the sexiest thing a man can do is say, I’ll take the baby and wash the dishes, you go take a break. He won’t find happiness by blowing up his child’s stable home life, but that doesn’t mean he won’t go the path of the many immature men before him.

BuffaloMozzerella · 15/11/2020 21:34

I can't get over how he speaks to you. It's awful. I'm not surprised you have a wall up - I would too.

WinWinnieTheWay · 15/11/2020 21:36

Move out on your own for a fortnight. Let him be a full time parent.

Cantbelieveit101 · 15/11/2020 21:40

He wants to see changes.... what is he doing to see changes.
From what I have read he wants you to do all the parenting as well as being the doting wife.

If you do separate and he has your son 2/7 how is he going to cope?

Trickyboy · 15/11/2020 21:49

My marriage ended due to this.. I would implore you to try and meet him half way...

Children are a hand-grenade in a marriage especially if you devote ALL your time to your child without involving your DH.

It's so easy to do. I didn't need my DH once DS was on the scene. I got all the touch and love I needed from DS..

Volcanicorange · 15/11/2020 22:03

@TaurusMama

our son not going to bed, all of a sudden for the past week he has started screaming and crying... only wants to be held by me to sleep, I'm so exhausted and at the end of my tether.. husband criticises me saying i still can't put him to bed properly after 2 years..

i literally feel like fucking screaming until my head falls off.. i'm so so angry and hurt by all of this...

i well and truly feel entirely on my own..

I'd leave the cunt for this comment alone.

If he gets anything less than 50% contact he'll have to pay you maintenance.

DameCelia · 15/11/2020 22:22

*TaurusMama

our son not going to bed, all of a sudden for the past week he has started screaming and crying... only wants to be held by me to sleep, I'm so exhausted and at the end of my tether.. husband criticises me saying i still can't put him to bed properly after 2 years..

i literally feel like fucking screaming until my head falls off.. i'm so so angry and hurt by all of this...

i well and truly feel entirely on my own..

I'd leave the cunt for this comment alone.

If he gets anything less than 50% contact he'll have to pay you maintenance.*

Totally second this.
Does he usually speak to you like this??Shock
Did he speak to you like this before your child was born?
The big question is how will you feel when your son treats you like this? because that's what he's learning about how men treat women.

DOB78 · 15/11/2020 22:26

I'm so sorry you're in this situation but seriously you need to get out now! Your Son will be picking up on all the bad vibes in the house, I guarantee he'll settle when its just the 2 of you. I know you have all sorts of reservations about leaving but it will work itself out and you'll manage 10 times better then you think, thus guy is squashing every bit of self confidence out of you. This relationship is damaging your mental well being and nothing is worth losing your sanity for, your going to become ill. I say this from experience and it took me 15 years to go and I regret so much the effect on me and my 2 girls.
He won't change he'll get worse coz he's getting away with being a shithead. Stand strong lady and fuck him right off.

PurpleTrilby · 15/11/2020 22:37

What DameCelia said. I've never even been pregnant but fucking hell I've listened to how friends' kids have developed and stuff. That's his kid too but it's all your fault he doesn't sleep through? Prize fucking cunt.

AzraiL · 15/11/2020 22:42

So he does next to nothing and whines. Instead of trying to do something to improve your situation he leaves his complaints at your feet and makes them your problem to fix. On top of that, he alludes to the fact that he'd have a much better life without you and your son in it.

This doesn't look good.

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