DH wants to leave me and 2yr old

[TaurusMama]

Says he provides everything and I give no attention in return. He says since our son came along 2 years ago, I have shown zero interest and give him the cold shoulder most of the time.

I have put all of my energy into our son, I'm well aware of that and find it rally difficult to get a balance. I'm a SAHM and my identity and confidence is lost.

We got off to a tough start with our boy, colic/reflux and his temperament now is highly sensitive, so he is demanding and uses pretty much each ounce of my energy.

Come the evening, I just want to relax with DH and enjoy watching something. He suffers with depression and I feel a pressure to pick him up.. He doesn't want to go counselling together or on his own, but admits he might need to in the future.

I have nothing of my own in terms of personal finances, we share [his] money.

We have a few resentments and angers that have clearly built up over the years, we've been together 16 years.

He says how much i have changed as a person since having our son.

Really not sure what to do here.. he wants more attention, affection from me and i seem to have built up a wall.. and i have if i really think about it.. :/

we have also moved and both have no friends, he is WFH and I am SAHM..

I'm hoping things could change when our boy goes nursery next year, date tbc.. and i get an job/make an income to contribute, i think he feels pressure..

he also can't handle our toddler too well, his character, when he tantrums, he looks genuinely stressed and anxious - even says things like 'i'm so sick of this'

My exh had the same complaint re the mornings yet someone had to get the kids to school, and he was never awake before the alarm (I always wake before the alarm, it was set at get out of bed time). He also played computer games until late. No issues with my now dp!

Men can really lack common sense as to why things don't happen

Hi All,

thanks for posting - there seems like a real range of responses here from i should be doing more/be more affectionate as his partner to leave him.. mostly though, that he is not decent and I should leave..

It's far easier said than done and i do find myself in a tricky position (i hate to say this, but i also think he knows this deep down)

Someone mentioned my son not being highly sensitive, he is.. He fits the criteria of it time and time again, I'm not just bounding that around and I appreciate all 2 year old toddlers are difficult but he is different to most I have seen/interacted with.. (extremely sensitive to stimuli / sounds / bright lights/ any noise he hears, intense emotional reactions to daily things, highly empathetic, very aware/can recite books back, doesn't sleep)

I am speaking with a counsellor today as i do need professional guidance/advice to navigate this situation i find myself in..

he does cook dinner, he does help with the dishwasher, he fits things in/around the house, he isn't totally non-involved and i apologise if i gave that impression.. i think he prioritises himself and his time, (he always has) that's the problem here, that and the way he speaks to me..

He doesn't speak to me like this in a usual everyday sense, it seems to come out when he is angry..

he is very emotionally immature..

i would likely want to leave the relationship to find myself, to be myself to.. he has also cheated in the past which i have found has stayed with me and i have anger for, i haven't fully gotten over it, we were newly engaged and he says the death of his father and stress of it is what made him do it..

I do know i need to make a decision now and it's leaning toward leaving but i need to know my options.. in terms of stability for my son - i need him to feel stable and safe at all times..

"we were newly engaged and he says the death of his father and stress of it is what made him do it"

Wow, using the death of his father to excuse cheating - the depths to which shit men will sink never cease to amaze me!

Find your self respect and LTB.

Wow your personality has changed after the h if a life changing event of having a child? What a fucking surprise!
I’m so sick of these men who want kids for the image but don’t actually want anything in their lives to change. Tough shit. You’re parents now. Part of that means he gets less attention.
Call his bluff. Tell him to go sew his oats, he’ll come crawling back when he gets bored.

Btw, if you'd put all the info in your first post, I'm pretty sure the responses would have been unanimous.

Your son won't feel stable with a selfish prick of a father who is in a constant state of flux over how much he does or doesn't want to be a parent or a partner. And neither will you. If you had a proper co-parenting agreement set out (assuming this prince will indeed deign to do some raising of his own son despite telling you explicitly that he plans not to), that's far more stable and you'd both at least know what you're dealing with and how to work it.

God he sounds awful. Whatever you do don't have any more kids with him-it will only get harder.

I think lots of men are shocked by just how much work babies and children are. And they prioritise their own free time and then wonder why their partner doesn't have time for them! That's because she's doing everything else!

Ultimately it seems as though this relationship isn't going to last. I'd suggest continuing to look for work and make it crystal clear you expect 50/50 residence after separation.

@caringcarer

If he wants regular sex and a cuddle in the mornings, why can't you give him that OP. It is not an unreasonable request. In return he can help around the house more so you are less tired.

Advising a woman to have sex she doesn't want to have with a lazy, nasty partner in order to have a bit of help around the house?

Utterly vile

The early days of having a child are extremely difficult .

But one thing my mother said ( I know it sounds old fashioned) is that she also valued my father and looked after him ( and he her ) because when we grew up and left home she would be left with my dad .

They have been married for over 65 years so I guess she knew what she was talking about .

But it works both ways and you need to both be aware of what you need and that means communication.

To be clear I did not mean sex like the other poster .

Some of the women on here! Telling the op to fuck her cheating, nasty partner who threatens to abandon her and her child every morning?!

Christ.

I was going to say something else, until I saw this.

When we were chatting/discussing things yesterday, our son woke from his afternoon nap, crying and I said 'do you what to go get him?' he replied 'no, you go - you'll be doing it on your own so you better get used to it'.

This is the point where I'd be so angry and tell him to get lost.

That comment makes it very clear he doesn't want to parent your DS.

Pestering for intimacy??? He's her husband. You dont stop being husband and wife just because you become parents. You might as well be roommates.
Sounds like there are issues on both side. You both deserve attention and to be loved and feel loved. If you dont think you can give that to each other than its best to move on

Oh op he sounds just like my dd (darling dickhead)
He can't cope with the kids, he isn't really involved an moans that I don't want sex etc or give the relationship much effort
I have 3 kids under 5, you ain't getting sex if iv been up since 5 and I'm tierd sorry! (Middle finger)
He works from home ONCE A WEEK ID THAT, he has his own business and is run by others so he pretty much sits on his ass or in bed all day getting money, the money I get pays all the bills an he keeps his for him
He's such a selfish human so no don't change yourself for him. You be you and keep been the best mum you can for youe boy! If he doesn't like it well he knows where the door is, he's jealous of the baby and he's clearly made his mind up to not want counselling with you to keep your 16 year relationship and family together
Also the cheating thing, it doesn't ever go and you've always got that doubt. I totally agree as I feel the same and it's been quite a few years for me also, I can't let it go!

Before you ask. If I had money I'd happily walk tomorrow but I don't have a penny as I pay every single household bill and I'm left with 75 for a month!

I hate men!

@Bluntness100

Why is he a selfish cunt? What’s wrong with actually wanting a marriage and not just co parenting? It is possible to be both a wife and a mother. A husband and a father.

You’re not some surrendered wife if you think it’s possible to have a relationship two years after having a child

I have to say I agree with this. If it’s not working for him then he has the right to call “Time Out “ , he’s looking for an adult relationship not just a sperm donor who pays the bills and puts the bins out.

Before you ask. If I had money I'd happily walk tomorrow but I don't have a penny as I pay every single household bill and I'm left with 75 for a month!

I hate men!

Surely you'd be better off single with him paying child maintenence?
You'd get discount on the council tax etc

OP, you could be describing my abusive ex husband. I praise God every day that I finally told him to get knotted. Mine used the ‘affection’ thing as an excuse for his shitty behaviour eg things would be better if only it wasn’t for my “lack of affection”. If he wants to leave, don’t let the door hit him on the way out. I can guarantee it is not your fault that he is so dissatisfied.

I have 3 dc and I am infinitely happier raising them mostly alone (exdh has them 10 percent of the time at most) than with a controlling abusive sex pest.

Could everyone please RTFT and OP, when you post looking for real advice, could you please put all of the relevant information like my husband cheated on me and I forgave him on the first post - as AnotherEmma said, it would have changed the responses (well, one would hope it would).

It's really not that hard to read all the OP's posts but so many people don't bother!

Sadly I think they have rtft and genuinely think a man has no parental responsibility or cause to behave like a decent human being unless they are getting regular blow jobs.

With sisters like that...