DH wants to leave me and 2yr old

[TaurusMama]

Says he provides everything and I give no attention in return. He says since our son came along 2 years ago, I have shown zero interest and give him the cold shoulder most of the time.

I have put all of my energy into our son, I'm well aware of that and find it rally difficult to get a balance. I'm a SAHM and my identity and confidence is lost.

We got off to a tough start with our boy, colic/reflux and his temperament now is highly sensitive, so he is demanding and uses pretty much each ounce of my energy.

Come the evening, I just want to relax with DH and enjoy watching something. He suffers with depression and I feel a pressure to pick him up.. He doesn't want to go counselling together or on his own, but admits he might need to in the future.

I have nothing of my own in terms of personal finances, we share [his] money.

We have a few resentments and angers that have clearly built up over the years, we've been together 16 years.

He says how much i have changed as a person since having our son.

Really not sure what to do here.. he wants more attention, affection from me and i seem to have built up a wall.. and i have if i really think about it.. :/

we have also moved and both have no friends, he is WFH and I am SAHM..

I'm hoping things could change when our boy goes nursery next year, date tbc.. and i get an job/make an income to contribute, i think he feels pressure..

he also can't handle our toddler too well, his character, when he tantrums, he looks genuinely stressed and anxious - even says things like 'i'm so sick of this'

He's rejecting both his child and you but expecting you to feel like shagging him?

He's not a decent parent or a decent partner.

You will be so much better off after the dust settles.

I'd put him straight on the childcare front and ask him why does he assume you'll be doing it on your own if you separate.
Tell him you'd expect big changes and he'll be solely responsible for 24/7 care half the week, so any split is going to be a massive shock to him. He needs to start practising.

Your husband is thinking only about himself. Only his needs. What he wants. His mindset doesn't seem to stretch beyond that to what you might want or need and what his responsibilities are.

This will end in divorce op, whether it is now, or next year, or four years time. There's not a thing you can do about it. You can do your hair and give him a blow job and then there'll be something else. It will end because your husband is ultimately selfish and will only think of himself. He will check out of family life and then probably have an affair, will he'll justify to himself and the ow by saying 'my wife doesn't give me any attention' without any understanding of the part he has played.

Take back control. Accept he's at fault, not you. Decide what you want to do from here.

“I'd put him straight on the childcare front and ask him why does he assume you'll be doing it on your own if you separate.
Tell him you'd expect big changes and he'll be solely responsible for 24/7 care half the week, so any split is going to be a massive shock to him. He needs to start practising.”

This. No-one’s perfect but your DH seems to be far too comfortable with his own flaws and deficiencies (coolly admitting he’s selfish; being extremely lazy when it comes to parenting - he should be off to the park with his toddler, not watching TV) and happy to blame all the problems on you. Don’t let him do that.

He would actually enjoy parenting a lot more if he made a proper effort rather than trying to palm a toddler off with lazy activities that won’t hold their attention.

And do disabuse him of the notion that he can simply return to a single life even if you and he do split.

@Elvesinquarantine

Don't shoot me but when you married him you did make promises to him and to your relationship.. If you admit they have slipped - albeit to grow /nurture /raise a dc - you still have a commitment to maintain...

1950 is calling you & even they want a word.

@TaurusMama, no wonder you're not in the mood for sex. Your h 'providing everything' is not enough if he doesn't give you emotional support, care for you, look after you like a real partner should. He's not doing any childcare or looking after the house. There's not much to love about his behaviour.

I think you'd be better off without him. And happier.

no, you go - you'll be doing it on your own so you better get used to it'... i must say my blood boils at the fact he said that..

He's not a nice man.

If a bloke told me if I didn't shape up he'd be off because 'the world is his oyster'

Would be gone.

He's doing a right number on you. He's horrible disengaged and a crap father.

You'd be much happier without him & his mother undermining you all the time.

Financially CMS, benefits & work on what you'll do when DS starts nursery.

You can do it, but do it before he grinds you down so far that you will think you can't!!

Honestly, I think you should listen to him. You have said yourself you have put up a wall and put everything into your son, it sounds like you would both be a lot happier if you approached parenting and your relationship as a team. I can see how it would start getting him down how you've described it. You don't sound very happy either, it must be hard if your life revolves completely around your son and you don't have anything for yourself.

If I were you I would maybe look at starting work and getting your son in a nursery or with a childminder sooner. Listen to him, talk to him and work on yourself too. Counselling together would be such a good idea too.

Good luck to you!

Wfh is hard my mental health is awful at moment as I'm.full time at home working. Husband at work and kids at school. My marriage is not great. One thing we have always done though is have Saturday night when kids in bed where we have a drink watch tv and .... maybe planned but that can help. Depends what u want to do. If he isnt willing to work on relationship and be nice then he needs to go and u will be better in long term. I know we are in lockdown but lots of nice places to walk I.e castles etc gardens are open x

I don’t know what I would be entitled to if we divorced but in terms of where to live I wouldn’t want to stay in our marital home - and when he was saying he was leaving yesterday he mentioned getting his own place.. how would this all work? Divide? I know properties are not selling much at the moment but I’d hate to be back at my mums or a hostel with my son...

Do you want to stay with him OP?

Husband has been number one for 14 years and is now playing second fiddle to his son. I think it is quite normal for people to get jealous of their own children although many would not admit it. Kids come first these days.

Honestly, I think you should listen to him

He makes no effort though, can’t cope with parenting 🙄 leaves the hard stuff to Op.
What is he actually doing except fucking moaning? Does he care about OPs feelings and needs?
Is he listening to her?

Can you call his bluff & say you need 2 weeks away alone ( after lockdown)? Reason is you can’t cope with DS alone & unless he can prove he can cope with DS alone when you split up - he will have to go into care?!!
You know you can cope & suspect DH can’t or won’t or has no concept of what’s involved. Either way If you go this he’s forced to look after DS solidly to find out what your current life is like. He may pull himself together During that time & re- evaluate. At the very least you will both know if he can cope with joint custody, you get a 2 week breather ( albeit pinning for DS) just make sure it’s not in writing and he can’t use it against you

As @arethereanyleftatall said I do believe this relationship will struggle to last as it currently is and even with changes, when I return to work and son in nursery I think I’ll still be juggling things a lot and he expects enough as it is, let alone when I’m working.. honest truth I’m not sure what I want but do fantasise about being on my own sometimes.. I need to reconnect with myself - I’ve lost all who I was and no longer recognise myself..

@Doordine we tried my son at nursery and it went terribly due to non existent settling in period due to COVID.. he hated it and had a bad fall on day 1, I wasn’t there, he came out very unnerved/unsettled and I haven’t sent him back.. also getting a job is a lot easier said than done at the moment, I’ve been applying..

I think your DH is having a mantrum.

He is now a father. He is no longer the one and only, with his wife. He now has responsibilities and duties, to his child, as do you. He doesn't like that, does he?

I'm just wondering, this prince among men, how good is he looking? Because I've noticed that men tend to really overestimate just how 'ovenready' they are, on the dating scene, underestimating their pots and their pouts.

I'm so pleased you're not cross with my post. I was worried it was too much when I pressed post. It's just I could have written a very similar post ten years ago. Different details but same characteristics. I'm getting divorced now, I'm 45, (I think you're younger?) and thank goodness I didn't wait a single further day. It would have been easier for my girls, and nicer for me, if we'd got divorced sooner. If I could give any advice to my younger self it would have been to spot the signs and get out sooner.

*similar post to yours

Your husband is not wrong to complain we are all entitled to have a moan!

He should really sort himself out first! He wants to have sex.... yet he doesn’t want to go to counselling you both need to meet in the middle.
Things change when you have a baby it’s tough but from what you have said OP there’s nothing alarming.

It’s interesting that you said you both have no friends too. This is quite unhealthy!

He's had your attention and affection for 14 years (presumably happy, since you stayed together) until the baby. As soon as baby arrived you transferred all love and attention to DS.
I'm not surprised DH is depressed and upset, and resents DS.

   Can't help noticing that  you  only seem to recognise problem behaviour in other people ( DS and DH) .

Your husband sounds disgusting

Who says she transferred all love and attention?

Do you think he has a point?

Only you know the answer to that.

If he doesn't then take the advice some posters have offered. If you think he does, then are you prepared to do anything about it?