DH wants to leave me and 2yr old

[TaurusMama]

Says he provides everything and I give no attention in return. He says since our son came along 2 years ago, I have shown zero interest and give him the cold shoulder most of the time.

I have put all of my energy into our son, I'm well aware of that and find it rally difficult to get a balance. I'm a SAHM and my identity and confidence is lost.

We got off to a tough start with our boy, colic/reflux and his temperament now is highly sensitive, so he is demanding and uses pretty much each ounce of my energy.

Come the evening, I just want to relax with DH and enjoy watching something. He suffers with depression and I feel a pressure to pick him up.. He doesn't want to go counselling together or on his own, but admits he might need to in the future.

I have nothing of my own in terms of personal finances, we share [his] money.

We have a few resentments and angers that have clearly built up over the years, we've been together 16 years.

He says how much i have changed as a person since having our son.

Really not sure what to do here.. he wants more attention, affection from me and i seem to have built up a wall.. and i have if i really think about it.. :/

we have also moved and both have no friends, he is WFH and I am SAHM..

I'm hoping things could change when our boy goes nursery next year, date tbc.. and i get an job/make an income to contribute, i think he feels pressure..

he also can't handle our toddler too well, his character, when he tantrums, he looks genuinely stressed and anxious - even says things like 'i'm so sick of this'

In your OP, you say "Come the evening, I just want to relax with DH and enjoy watching something" so it doesn't sound to me like you are completely neglecting him and focusing only on the baby, as some posters are suggesting. What would he rather do in the evenings?

Although it's a bit cringe, I do think that regular 'date nights' can help a marriage out of a rut. If you can't afford a babysitter you don't have to go out - just dress up a bit, cook a nice meal together, put your phones away and focus on each other.

So, your dh is simultaneously admitting the child you made together is hard work, so leaves it all to you, whilst expecting you to give him attention too. This is very selfish isn't it? A nice man would recognise how hard your toddler is (he's done this bit), and therefore help you out a load to give you a break. Then you could have time for him. Of course you've changed. You've had to, because he hasn't stepped up.

Does he do anything to lighten your load, OP? Or does he let you do it all and complain bout his needs not being met?

I agree, i have literally become my son's mother and have struggled to be wife also..

he wants to see changes or will leave.. he hasn't threatened, but we have said we will see how things progress and keep communication open.. i do feel we are on our last legs in our relationship though so will both need to work on a few things..

he is quite a needy man i've come to realise and before our son, i gave a lot to him in terms off affection/love/intimacy.. the transition has been a big one for us..

He does cook and on occasion help around the house / we just got a cleaner as it became too much for me - he's admitted and knows he is a selfish type.. so i guess only time will tell for us.. i'll implement some of the small changes and hopefully things improve.

i guess another flip side to all this is i don't feel attractive or confident at all.. i look like a mess most days - so i need to start with looking after myself too..

I think you both need to appreciate that he needs to take some of the blame here. It isn't all your fault. All your posts blame yourself.

Think of the changes he needs to make too. Not just what you need to do.

How often does he take your son out? Maybe he could take your son out whilst you have a bath and look after yourself?

Actually, #overinvested, this stuff makes me mad. How come he gets to make the decision to walk out and have an easier single life? What about you walk out and leave the two of them to it?

If you are getting a decent night's sleep that should help you feel better.

when he said he wanted out he also said 'the world is my oyster' i think he wants to sleep around and go be on his own deep down..

I was somewhat on board with what he was saying until this part. It is easy to become "just a mum" and be so child focused you neglect your relationship. But this statement just makes him seem like an absolute tosser. He agreed to have a child so the world should not "be his oyster" and he should realise that, he is not a free man any more and he is clearly fantasizing about leaving you to deal with all the parenting.

I also agree with what another poster said about you both needing to realise there should be blame (and change) on both sides. There is a lot of mention of him acknowledging he is selfish/depressed etc but not wanting to do anything about it yet expecting change from you. It should not work like that. You should tell him YOU want to go to counselling with him so you can BOTH work on improving things, or something of the sort.

Does he do his fair share of bed/bath times and get up during the night and share weekend lie ins with you? Do you get to sleep in until midday on a Saturday and he gets Sunday? Does he take over at 5pm two ever a week, doing dinner and everything (2 out of 7 is still unbalanced) and you log on and do a zoom yoga class or similar?
If the answer to all of this is no then he’s being a deluded selfish wanker and you’d probably be better off/happier letting him walk. You’d then get every other weekend to yourself. Nice long lie ins. You can get your energy and looks back and find yourself somebody lovely who isn’t just interested in what his own needs are. “The world is his oyster” prick. He’s still a parent if you split and I’d suggest you point out to him that he’ll be expected to do his fair share of childcare including Friday through to Sunday (and all the washing/cooking required) for his two year old on his own every other weekend and some days during the week.

Who’s idea was it to move? Can you move back? Get yourself surrounded with a support system and ditch this selfish arsehole

Just remember if it does come down to it, he gets to leave you. He does NOT get to leave his child. When you ask which half of the week he wants you may see a backtrack.

In my family:
Dbil left his first marriage because he felt his wife didn't give him enough attention after their first child. His dd has recently taken him to task about why he was so selfish and absent as a father to her (she has recently had a child).
Dn has separated from her partner because he felt she was obsessed with the baby. He hadn't really wanted children.
I think in the past women were expected to meet everyone's needs including these selfish men children (have regular sex, look nice, keep everyone happy, don't nag). Which was probably much better - for men.

@Elvesinquarantine

Don't shoot me but when you married him you did make promises to him and to your relationship.. If you admit they have slipped - albeit to grow /nurture /raise a dc - you still have a commitment to maintain...

And what about the promise OP's husband made to her?? He's hardly keeping that, is he?

I do most of the childcare whilst he sits in the study 'working' - he does have a FT job but also I know he gets some downtime but needs to be online and available to help anyone who might get in touch..

he is saying he isn't where he wishes he was in life and is finding it difficult to cope. He is very good at playing guilt trips and has done so to me before in the past.. he was laying in a dark room today, looking very depressed.

When we were chatting/discussing things yesterday, our son woke from his afternoon nap, crying and I said 'do you what to go get him?' he replied 'no, you go - you'll be doing it on your own so you better get used to it'... i must say my blood boils at the fact he said that..

he literally can't deal with our son when he cries/screams/tantrums - i think that's what is sending him into depression.. wtf can i do about that..!!

our son is challenging and very hardwork/awesome/super smart and funny, I am doing what i can..

also last week, he mentioned having the finance 'under control' so in a round about way i should our son 'under control' - his mother doesn't help as she dislikes me/judges me as a mum all the time.

he always seems more tired than me tbh, even when he has had more sleep - i guess that's the depression..

he doesn't take him out very much or for too long, mostly in the garden or sits and watches peppa pig with him..

Wanting more of a relationship is one thing, wanting to fuck his family and parenting responsibilities off is quite another.

@TaurusMama - our son woke from his afternoon nap, crying and I said 'do you what to go get him?' he replied 'no, you go - you'll be doing it on your own so you better get used to it'...

What a nasty piece of work.

What does he bring to your life, op? Would you be better off without him?

When we were chatting/discussing things yesterday, our son woke from his afternoon nap, crying and I said 'do you what to go get him?' he replied 'no, you go - you'll be doing it on your own so you better get used to it'... i must say my blood boils at the fact he said that..

WTF? so if the relationship ends does he have it in his head that he won't be spending any time with his child on his own or taking him overnight?

@tenlittlecygnets I seem to let things slide all the time.. i don't know why or wtf i'm doing.. part of me thinks wake up and move on another parts agrees that i have been very distant and cold and he can't handle that.. we haven't been intimate for about 5 weeks and i can see it's really taken a toll - ii just haven't wanted to or been in a mood as things have been heavy.. is this 50/50 or am i being taken for a mug..!! he thinks he is!!

I'm sorry op but your husband sounds like a bastard. "You'll be doing it on your own soon enough" - so he doesn't intend to have any parenting responsibilities? He's not intending to look after his son even if just every other weekend? Surely if you split he'd have his son for access? It's him that needs practice not you!

What did you do before dc? If I were you I'd be prepping to split and planning to go back to work. In the interim I'd look into uc and find out what maintenance he'd be obliged to pay and go from there.

His attitude seems completely selfish. The entire onus for fixing things is on you and he's alright jack.

It must be heartbreaking to see that your DH has not bonded with his own child.

I absolutely get needing a relationship with intimacy and connection and a sex life both are happy with. I have no time at all for sneering at those needs, they are valid. But I do not have any sympathy for him if he refuses to make an effort on his side. To access help for his own depression. To try couples therapy. To look at how he can change his behaviours to make things better. It is not fair to demand you and you alone take responsibility and fix what is wrong. A marriage that's in trouble can be saved, but both parties have to have equal commitment to making that happen. It doesn't sound as if he recognises his role in any of this?