What would actually happen in court? And what else would happen first?

[Bearsinmotion]

ExDP and I separated over 2 years ago, but we still lived together until a few weeks ago. We aren’t married, have 2 DC, who live the me in the family home and have a joint mortgage.

DP is mentally ill - he has had severe OCD all his adult life, but over the last few years he has got much worse. Two years ago the children and I had to leave the house for nearly a year after social services deemed it unsafe for the children. This is because there is clutter, including rubbish and recycling which he refuses to let me through away. He has had treatment, but the house is still a tip and he is still trying to control everything. But it’s certainly not enough for the children to have a proper childhood.

Over the years I have for everything I can for DP but now I’m done. He is delusional, he is gaslighting, lying to people who are trying to help and verbally abusive and controlling.

As it stands, I am seeing a solicitor on Wednesday then I have a visit for a company to quote for decluttering the house. However ex-DP will refuse to let this happen, and is threatening police, legal action etc, and also that if I do take legal action he will kill himself.

My question is what he can actually do? I am not getting rid of anything belonging to him that has any value, but he will not see it that way. He tells me to expect a “full, no holds barred court case” on my hands, as part of which he says he will list all his (imaginary) concerns about my mental state.

But what can he actually do? He has convinced himself I have a litany of mental health issues (I don’t) and that I neglected him after the birth of DC2, and is telling this to anyone who will listen. He is deeply controlling and unable to regulate him emotions. Now he is telling me to send back the DC’s Christmas presents because we have to pay the solicitor’s fees.

But what can he actually do? I am not mentally ill. I have had continued involvement with social services who are perfectly happy about how I care for the children. I can’t afford to buy him out but could pay the mortgage on a smaller house with the DC. I guess I really want to know whether he can force a court battle and what happens if he won’t follow any agreement the solicitor puts in place...

It's sad but you have to put your children first, and yourself. Sorry to sound blunt and dismissive but that's what it comes down to.

The first step I would take is to make use of the support you have been offered and accept the referral to the DV support services.

To be honest I'm concerned at the moment that you might find it difficult to follow through on things like removing his stuff or selling the house because of the control he is still has over you. I'm in no way blaming you for that, it's entirely understandable but I suspect you will achieve the best outcome for you and the DC if you are in the best frame of mind possible with the right support.

I remember reading your earlier threads and I'm sorry this is still going on. I hope you find a way to resolve it soon.

I have no experience of this kind of situation, but surely, recycling does not 'belong' to him, so you would well within your rights to speak to your local council to see if you could pay for them to collect an extraordinary load?
If you pack up his possessions, and make them available to him, you can dispose of any rubbish, perhaps consider a small skip?
I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you, but you know he is being unreasonable, he has MH issues, but that doesn't mean it's OK for him to control you. You know you can call the police if necessary. He is known to various agencies, so will not be able to persuade them you have issues, just because you are clearing your own home of rubbish.

Good luck.

Do u have spare room you could put all the stuff of value in? Bin the rest.

Surely both your medical notes will speak for themselves should he accuse you of being mentally ill also?
Keep a diary op.
Keep it hidden.
Take photos every day.

Thank you all, it is really helpful to have not just the advice but also the reassurance that I am not evil or insane.

Sunshinegirl, I understand where you are coming from but I have come a long way in the 2 weeks since he moved out and every day increases my resolve! Right now it’s about getting my ducks in a row but I have already done things that will have permanent effects, and I am ready to take the bigger steps once I have taken legal advice.

I have always thought that there is more I could do to help him, that we could get through it without involving solicitors etc but I know now we can’t. The children are old enough to understand why Daddy can’t come home, and seeing how different they are without him here is impossible to ignore.

I want to make sure everything is as lined up as it can be so I can move quickly but also safely. That’s why all the advice and experience here is so useful, I can’t thank you all enough!

The OP's experience is slightly different but I wonder if these threads might be useful to you Bears
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020

The OP has been through hell with her (now ex) DH's MH issues and there may be useful info on there for you. I hope Jamais won't mind me linking her threads, she's been an absolute warrior throughout so I just thought her experience might help you Bears

Thanks again everyone. I am holding off reading those threads for now so I don’t get scared! However, have spoken to my solicitor and we’re going for an occupation order.

Good luck. Definitely think it's a good idea to get the house valued in its current condition.

I hope you get the occupation order sorted.

Anything that is not stored away and appears to generic recycling/rubbish I would get rid of and the onus on him to prove it was his stuff and not just household waste.

For valuing the property and buying him out, prices are likely to drop early next year so that will hopefully enable you to afford to buy him out.

Remember 3 written quotes from different Estate Agents and to include advertising price and expected actual sale price.

This is not an informed opinion. This is based on stuff about hoarders, which I have heard described as a subset of OCD, and from what I have seen of people who need control above all else. I have no academic background.

Please be very, very careful if you remove and dispose of things that he regards as his. Please be very careful about re-arranging 'his' stuff. Think about how he is now, and how he may be volatile if he feels like his 'stuff' has been touched.

He is already showing that his connection with reality is loose. Please make sure that you have plenty of people around when he calls and lots of witnesses to any interactions.

Hopefully I'm being silly, but from the outside, coming in cold and not having got used to it as it grew over the years, it looks like he could be extremely unpredictable.

Good luck.

PP have already given excellent advice.
I just wanted to post for moral support and to say good luck.

Everything is moving now. Solicitor is hoping we will be heard in court on Friday...

Any update?

Hello! Only that we (finally!!) have a court date for this Friday

Hope everything goes ok op, sounds like a nightmare xxx

Thank you. I have been getting on with the house, moving stuff and cleaning to make not just liveable but actually pleasant. I have put a fair bit of rubbish out, I actually don’t think he would come back now anyway but still harassing me by text.

If he's still harassing you by text can you press on with a non-mol I think you need to protect yourself and the DC

Good luck for Friday

That’s what the hearing is on Friday, an occupation order and non molestation order. Have reported it to 101 as well on my solicitor’s advice.

Good luck. I think you have a strong case.

Hope the court case goes well for you. It’s sad he’s so unwell but the children and their health and safety come first x

Thank you Star

Don't be surprised if the judge doesn't give the occupation order on Friday, he may list the case for a further hearing & reports.

Is that true for the non-molestation order too Nat6999?