What would actually happen in court? And what else would happen first?

[Bearsinmotion]

ExDP and I separated over 2 years ago, but we still lived together until a few weeks ago. We aren’t married, have 2 DC, who live the me in the family home and have a joint mortgage.

DP is mentally ill - he has had severe OCD all his adult life, but over the last few years he has got much worse. Two years ago the children and I had to leave the house for nearly a year after social services deemed it unsafe for the children. This is because there is clutter, including rubbish and recycling which he refuses to let me through away. He has had treatment, but the house is still a tip and he is still trying to control everything. But it’s certainly not enough for the children to have a proper childhood.

Over the years I have for everything I can for DP but now I’m done. He is delusional, he is gaslighting, lying to people who are trying to help and verbally abusive and controlling.

As it stands, I am seeing a solicitor on Wednesday then I have a visit for a company to quote for decluttering the house. However ex-DP will refuse to let this happen, and is threatening police, legal action etc, and also that if I do take legal action he will kill himself.

My question is what he can actually do? I am not getting rid of anything belonging to him that has any value, but he will not see it that way. He tells me to expect a “full, no holds barred court case” on my hands, as part of which he says he will list all his (imaginary) concerns about my mental state.

But what can he actually do? He has convinced himself I have a litany of mental health issues (I don’t) and that I neglected him after the birth of DC2, and is telling this to anyone who will listen. He is deeply controlling and unable to regulate him emotions. Now he is telling me to send back the DC’s Christmas presents because we have to pay the solicitor’s fees.

But what can he actually do? I am not mentally ill. I have had continued involvement with social services who are perfectly happy about how I care for the children. I can’t afford to buy him out but could pay the mortgage on a smaller house with the DC. I guess I really want to know whether he can force a court battle and what happens if he won’t follow any agreement the solicitor puts in place...

The judge may make your ex sign an undertaking not to harrass, molest or threaten you in any way & that includes his family or he may do the order, it depends on the judge, mine only did the undertaking even though my ex had raped me

Will your ex be capable of attending court ?

That’s awful Nat,

Given the current situation we are not going to a physical court, so ExDP just has to get on his laptop. It’s a good point though, he may well not have been able to go to the physical court, or he may have been fine. He’s so unpredictable at the moment.

Hope it goes well tomorrow

How did it go?

Fingers crossed for you today

Thinking of you today x

I would suggest a video recording with today's paper or this days news showing the date clearly as well as date stamped photos as proof

So we agreed an undertaking rather than an order in the end but the judge was clear that breaching it is serious and risks arrest. Clearance is going ahead on Wednesday, ExDP has until 4pm Monday to give my solicitor a list of what he wants from the house. All communication goes via solicitor until otherwise agreed.

Are you happy with the outcome?

Go you!!! Sounds like you have had an awful time of it but you will get sorted. Well done x

Bravo Bears

You're strong now - the only way is up (there will be hiccups though!)

I think I’m happy. It’s all a bit of a blur to be honest.

What was odd was that DP had a barrister but no solicitor, despite saying he had spoken to 2 and that’s why his costs were so high (£5k for the one hearing!).

I think I need time to let it settle in my mind, get a grip on the finances and clear the house before I can really process it all.

Take your time, make your lists.

Just a minor update for you all! I managed to get a lot more done than I expected, which meant the clearance went smoothly. Much of it went to storage rather than recycling but as ex DP is paying for it, not my problem. Through luck rather than judgement I managed to order a load of stuff before lockdown restrictions tightened, so I managed to kit out the attic bedroom is all kitted out for DD, which she is delighted with! I have arranged for someone to come in and clean the oven and carpets (after being buried under boxes for 5 years!) and a handyman to fix a load of stuff ExDP never got round to (both toilet seats have broken for years).

I have also managed a lot of little jobs that make life much nicer. New rugs, curtains and lamp shades have made a big difference. I have temporarily turned the “new” reception room into a playroom so we have somewhere to exercise indoors. Last outstanding job is to sort DS’s room, there are loads of toys in there that have never been played with as there was nowhere to put them. So I need to find a home for baby toys so we can get the newer toys down.

I am much better in myself, found a good therapist through work and starting to wean myself off anti depressants. I have made a statement to the police, who are inviting ex DP for a voluntary interview for harassment. I am quite confused by the relationship between the court case and police but I thought I was better off following through with both. Having said that I have not had any direct contact with DP at all, which is a huge relief. There have been more emails than necessary to my solicitor but she is good at advising where a response is not needed (he saw photos from school and told her to tell me to get DS’s hair cut!).

You are an amazing woman!!!. I have read this all the way through and can say nothing more than you should be utterly proud of who you are and the strength you have shown thought this clearly v difficult time . Clearly you are the stability the children need and have made all the right decisions throughout . Keep stepping forwards , never step back, you will have times when you go back im sure because of him but always aim towards you and your children's new free life . If i could hug you i would as i think you are fabulous

Thank you Molly

Well done Bear. The court case you were involved in was a civil matter. The interactions that you’re having with the police are in relation to any Criminal offences he may have committed ( harassment). Each agency that you deal with like Social services will be keeping records which may be used as evidence for either of these matters. It may be useful, if you’re not already doing it, to log each contact from him. Screen shots of text messages obviously but other contacts you should record the date and time and as much direct speech / actions as possible. So record actual swear words used rather than saying “ he was shouting and swearing “. This helps build up a picture and can be especially helpful for coercive control where each individual event can fall below the standards needed for a criminal offence ( but collectively are controlling). God I hope I’m explaining this ok. Having a mental illness is not an excuse to abuse someone else. A lot of crime is committed by people with mental illness and family members can be very loathed to push forward with police action. I can totally understand that. But there comes a point when clearly the therapeutic options available are not working when you have to protect your children and yourself. Criminal courts have the option of enforcing hospital treatment but hopefully matters can be addressed before it gets to that stage. Good luck with Christmas and the New Year

That’s really helpful, thank you Divebar

@Bearsinmotion you are fucking amazing. You must have the strength of ten ox to do what you are doing at the end of the year we have had. It sounds like your focus is totally on you and your kids, which is as it should be, be can't have been an easy journey to get there. I loved seeing the pictures of your home. You are probably one of the few people on the planet coming out of this year stronger than you went in. I hope you are giving yourself the credit due. Have a fab Christmas.

Ahh, one of the few advantages of being an introvert Belle! I have been incredibly lucky this year to have escaped any serious harm from the pandemic - no one I know has been seriously ill and the only impact on my income has been positive (no commute and reduced childcare costs). So having more time to myself has meant having much more energy, more time to think, and more ability to get things done. So ironically, without the pandemic I may never have got here.

But I am, and it’s fucking amazing! Tonight DD is fast asleep in her own room - the first time she’s done that in years. This afternoon she took herself off for a walk around the village - her confidence is growing before my eyes. They were both due to stay with their dad yesterday but he cancelled last minute (predictably!). Her response was, “That’s good, I would rather go to the park!” Apparently I am also much better at building furniture than daddy, which she was very surprised by!

Did my click and collect yesterday, just been over to drop off home made Christmas cake to my sister, presents are wrapped and hidden and Elf is in position. I got this

Wow well done you have achieved so much!

You go girl 💪