What would actually happen in court? And what else would happen first?

[Bearsinmotion]

ExDP and I separated over 2 years ago, but we still lived together until a few weeks ago. We aren’t married, have 2 DC, who live the me in the family home and have a joint mortgage.

DP is mentally ill - he has had severe OCD all his adult life, but over the last few years he has got much worse. Two years ago the children and I had to leave the house for nearly a year after social services deemed it unsafe for the children. This is because there is clutter, including rubbish and recycling which he refuses to let me through away. He has had treatment, but the house is still a tip and he is still trying to control everything. But it’s certainly not enough for the children to have a proper childhood.

Over the years I have for everything I can for DP but now I’m done. He is delusional, he is gaslighting, lying to people who are trying to help and verbally abusive and controlling.

As it stands, I am seeing a solicitor on Wednesday then I have a visit for a company to quote for decluttering the house. However ex-DP will refuse to let this happen, and is threatening police, legal action etc, and also that if I do take legal action he will kill himself.

My question is what he can actually do? I am not getting rid of anything belonging to him that has any value, but he will not see it that way. He tells me to expect a “full, no holds barred court case” on my hands, as part of which he says he will list all his (imaginary) concerns about my mental state.

But what can he actually do? He has convinced himself I have a litany of mental health issues (I don’t) and that I neglected him after the birth of DC2, and is telling this to anyone who will listen. He is deeply controlling and unable to regulate him emotions. Now he is telling me to send back the DC’s Christmas presents because we have to pay the solicitor’s fees.

But what can he actually do? I am not mentally ill. I have had continued involvement with social services who are perfectly happy about how I care for the children. I can’t afford to buy him out but could pay the mortgage on a smaller house with the DC. I guess I really want to know whether he can force a court battle and what happens if he won’t follow any agreement the solicitor puts in place...

What rules have you broken?

Where is ex living?

"Rules"? Do you mean his rules? They no longer apply. You have to make the home environment safe and clean for dc not him. He has conditioned you to follow them.

Is there anyway you could buy him out of his share? Would family help you?

It could be worth getting the house valued as is and considering it? I can understand you are incredibly overwhelmed but he is so unreasonable that it will end up in court so my first option would be getting it value how it is now and seeing if you can force sale to you and get legal orders for him to clear out what he can in x days 9-5pm under supervision and anything left thereafter he has no claim to.

I don’t think I can buy him out, but I’m not too far off, depending on what maintenance I would get.

This is the thing LIZS, I agree with you, he doesn’t, but is there anything he can do if I break his rules in a house he doesn’t own? He seemed very surprised the other night that the police didn’t make me let him in!

Rules I have broken... I have put some clothes in the cupboard he doesn’t like, washed and cleaned bedding so we all have our beds back, cleaned the bath toys, taken bags of plastic waste to the tip, washed our towels and dish cloths, recycled “unapproved” cardboard, ate pepperoni pizza in bed. Wild times

This is why you need an occupation order then he has zero rights to dictate any rules!

You can't bin his stuff but you need to legally find out what options you have to force him to get them removed, it may be that he has to pay service to collect it all if you have an occupation order and non-molestation order.

What rules of his have you broken?

Oh and I used the hoover without permission!

It's your house too. The children live in that house with you. He doesn't live there and has no authority to impose any rules on you. You have a responsibility to the children - to keep the house in safe state for them. You don't have a right to get rid of any stuff that actually belongs to him, but you can bag it up, put it in storage, deliver it to him to do what he wants with it. The sooner you do that the better.

He can have the rules he wants at his new place.
You need to follow pp advice re blocking him from the house.
Work towards get removal people in to move it all to his new place as long as a solicitor agrees.
Then get it on the market.

@Bearsinmotion

Rules I have broken... I have put some clothes in the cupboard he doesn’t like, washed and cleaned bedding so we all have our beds back, cleaned the bath toys, taken bags of plastic waste to the tip, washed our towels and dish cloths, recycled “unapproved” cardboard, ate pepperoni pizza in bed. Wild times

Pizza in bed?! You rock!

Sorry, off the point, but where does he get all this stuff from and what plans does he have for it?

First thing i woukd say. He is never going to clear the stuff.

Is it pobbile to box and bag up all hus stuff a d put it in one room - realisevthis might not ne an option.

Clear tge kids rooms... Not his space, then move through the house.

Ii am glad you are getting legal advice. This isn't straight forward.

If you have been reffered to Dv support take it up. This can help you see clearly.

Dp not refuse to press charges. This will help protect tge children.

Courts like documented evidencr not ex says she has mh problems.

Estate agents are working please get some valuations of the property as it is now... it may be low enough you can buy him out

Fucking hell This is really bad - surely you can dump things that are rubbish/ recycling? Just can’t Bon actual possessions?

I mean I feel sorry for him having such issues - but it’s not fair on you or the children and you shouldn’t have to live like this it’s awful

titchy it’s more than just pizza, he is a strict vegetarian!

tara66 most of it is recycling / packaging. Then it’s stuff that is “contaminated” by contact with something that triggered his OCD.

Sorry Random, I have finally seen what you mean! That’s something to think about, thank you!

I would just get it cleared out professionally. It's one of your parental responsibilities to your children, whereas you have none towards your ex. His threats are all empty. It's sad he's ill but it's not your fault. Don't pander to him when you owe it to yourself and your children to live safely and in clean, non chaotic surroundings.
He cannot take you to court for not agreeing to live in a shit tip. Social services are on your side.

Does anyone know what you need for an occupation order to be applied? Government website says “If you are a victim of domestic abuse...” but it’s not clear how that would be established. Relate and a health visitor considered me to be at risk, police have been called out on a couple of occasions but it has never got as far as criminal charges.

I would phone rights of women and see if they can help.

I know a few estate agents, house prices are set to drop once the stamp duty holiday ends so that could be a good time to make an offer for his share...

The courts are rational human beings. You need to behave reasonably. Give your partner a warning that you will clear the rubbish (recycling, empty packaging, etc.) in a weeks time. If he wants to arrange and pay for storage you will have the stuff transferred there. If not the stuff will be dumped. Photograph, get professional help, keep everything that could be considered a possession not rubbish. Box all the possessions carefully. Then get a deep clean done.

No court will fine or punish you for throwing out rubbish.

I would think you have plenty of documented examples of domestic abuse already OP, making you live in a mess is psychological abuse and his 'rules' are coercive control for a start. I hope this thread is helping you to start seeing that his word isn't gospel and you don't have to believe everything he threatens. He doesn't have nearly so much control as he wishes he did over the house stuff and as long as you allow him reasonable opportunity to remove his hoard he won't have a leg to stand on legally to stop you getting rid or punish you for it afterwards.

Why does he want to keep the"contaminated" stuff? Could you get the packaging baled in heavy duty cling film and let him keep it wherever he is/in storage or whatever. I take it he doesn't want you and the kids to live with the contaminated stuff, since you were in a caravan. I'd be wary of disposing of anything that belongs to him, but you NEED to make the house a home for you and the kids.

Hi @Bearsinmotion can I suggest you ask your question about occupation orders over on the legal board?
There are some amazing, experienced lawyers over there.
Focussing on the practical steps might help you through this.

Actually he doesn’t mind us living with the contaminated stuff as long as we don’t touch it. He didn’t visit the caravan because he thought it was contaminated too.

If he has a deadline it will mean he will panic and stop work and potentially lose his job. It will drive him to an MH crisis. But it can’t go on like this. I have tried to tell his family this, I hoped the therapist would help but either they don’t understand how bad the situation is or he isn’t listening to them.