Letter from beyond the grave from my NC toxic mother. Nastiest thing I’ve ever read.

[TToxicDeadMother]

Me and my brother have been NC with her for 6 years. Long story but she was very nasty and abusive. Emotionally all our lives and physically when we were kids.

She carried on being nasty and Critical all the time. Said nasty things about my appearance to my Dd and then denied saying it and called Dd a psycho. She was divorced from my dad by then after she had an affair and he caught her out. He died before we went NC and she was vile then. Insisted on coming to the funeral even though my dad had remarried, threw a tantrum because she couldn’t read the eulogy.....this was a woman who stabbed him the night she threw him out the house!

So she died 10 days ago. I’d been told she was dying and spent days sat with her in the hospital, she was too far gone to know I was there.

Today I got a letter via the solicitor. Pages and pages of abuse and ranting. Obviously I’m disinherited. Fine. Lies upon lies about how she never had an affair (she forgot she printed off the very explicit emails between her and the bloke involved and gave them to me for safe keeping). Lies about how I only went NC with her because I’m selfish and she had no use to me once Dd was older as I’d used her for babysitting.....she babysat occasionally. Like twice a year on request, other times were when she asked to have Dd.

She says she hopes the guilt kills me. She hopes my Dd are as wicked to me as I’ve been to her. Lots of insults. Says she never insulted me to Dd but then says....but you are the size of a house. I was a size 16!

What sort of fucking twisted bitch of a mother writes such a letter? She obviously wanted to be cruel and have the last word when she knows I can’t respond. I’m so fucking angry. I’m angry I visited her at the hospital. A little part of me thought the letter might express regret, how bloody wrong.

@Babysharkdoodoodood

Christ! I'd be getting that funeral cancelled and arranging direct cremation instead. Then tipping the ashes into the compost bin.

But then I can be truly mean and petty.

I can’t do. She made her neighbour her legal next of kin. And power of attorney. And executor and I would imagine left her her substantial estate.

I haven’t been able to do anything. Couldn’t arrange the funeral. Wasnt even allowed to decide on moving her from the hospital to the hospice which I wanted to do.

Agree with pp. A no frills cremation and dump her out on the freeway.

I wouldnt spare her a second thought, let alone coffin money.

With your mother dies any chance of her ever being a good enough mother for you and your brother. It sounds as though she was a sad individual, who deep down hated herself and punished anyone, who refused to adulate her, very severely.

Your mother does not get the last word. This is simply the last word from her. You will be remembered by your children in a different way. You have changed the family narrative and healed the hurt by being the mother your children need you to be. That is far more powerful than anything your mother did or said in her time on the planet.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you .
You sound lovely. I sincerely hope that you have some counselling to help you gather strength to go forward and live a very happy and fulfilling life , something that your mother clearly could never do .

I wish the very best of luck for the future xx

My dad would do this. He's not dead yet but it's definitely the kind of thing he'd do. He sent me a horrendous message when he found out I was pregnant in Feb, I lost my boys in March. I will never forgive him.
As others have said, live your life to the fullest. I'm determined this apple is falling far away from that particular tree x

OP I’m sorry to say this but she sounds like an absolute attention seeking selfish dick!!!!!!

I’m not bothered about her, I’m bothered about you and how her selfish ways could affect you.

She sounds unhinged tbh and you don’t deserve it. If someone knows they are dying it would take a real twat to write a letter to their own DC to try to make them feel shit. That’s a new low.

What would help you now? Would it help you to write a letter back and burn them both in a ritual?

Someone who can fall out like that with everyone xan't have been happy at all, so basically you're already doing so much better than her. You sound like you have a good heart, sitting beside her in the hospital. Nobody can take that goodness away from you, it is part of you. Well done OP. You have elevated yourself from where you came from.

I'm sorry you had such a horrible mother. I agree with @Babysharkdoodoodood - please don't pay anything for the funeral and don't go either. Agree with a PP about having a nice bottle of something and burning the letter. What a horrible woman.

One of my parents told me they’d taken me out of their will in attempt to try to control me. I do t know any other parent that would actively do that. They are a dick.

I am in a similar position to you op.

Been nc with my mother after an abusive childhood for many years, the only involvement she has is calling social services a couple of times a year to report me for various crap that she has made up.

A relative has told me she has a list of people that are to know when she dies and I'm somewhere in the 20s on that list I think, and she has a letter written to me to be handed over upon her death. I strongly suspect it's full of abuse, blame, lies and gaslighting.

You have shown forgiveness and kindness, where none was deserved, you have broken the cycle, if her mother was similar, and that is massive, and difficult to do.

Don't be angry, you are a good person, and proved that. She was not and proved that.

The letter is meaningless, who actually sits and thinks how to make their child feel shitty with no right to reply, after their death. It shows her mindset, and the words of a selfish narcasist who wants their legacy on earth to be pain and guilt are nothing.

Burn the letter. Breathe a sigh of relief. The abuse is over. She had her last dig. You are free

You'll have the last word by having a better relationship with your kids than she ever had.
Could you burn the letter and then flush the ashes down the loo

My father will do this I am sure. The thing is OP, she may well have had the last word but all that did was conform what a toxic, spiteful person she was.

I listened to a radio interview today by a 100 year old man who was captured by the Nazis during the war. Half of his family were killed and he only just survived. He said he made the conscious decision to be everything his captors weren't; kind and happy. He went on to say they would want him to be bitter like them, but he refused. In your situation I would burn that letter and ne forever grateful that you are not your mother.

Oh, @TToxicDeadMother I’m so sorry. I really feel for you.

Death is the ultimate relinquishing of control, isn’t it? Narcissists can’t bear it, so they make plans for how to fuck with others from beyond the grave. Just look at stupid Trump, making doctors say he will live until he’s 200 as he’s so terrified of the irrelevance death brings to us all. I’m sure he likes the power trip of making otherwise bright people say ridiculous shit too.

Back to your mother - I’m so sorry, what she has done is unforgivable. But darling, you are alive and she is dead and you are nothing like her. Wishing you healing, peace and love

I'm so sorry.

My mum doesn't like me although nowhere near as bad as yours.

There's always a hope they will turn around. It's your mum, after all.

I'm so so sorry. At least you have your brother.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I am in a similar position to you op.

Been nc with my mother after an abusive childhood for many years, the only involvement she has is calling social services a couple of times a year to report me for various crap that she has made up.

A relative has told me she has a list of people that are to know when she dies and I'm somewhere in the 20s on that list I think, and she has a letter written to me to be handed over upon her death. I strongly suspect it's full of abuse, blame, lies and gaslighting.

You have shown forgiveness and kindness, where none was deserved, you have broken the cycle, if her mother was similar, and that is massive, and difficult to do.

Don't be angry, you are a good person, and proved that. She was not and proved that.

The letter is meaningless, who actually sits and thinks how to make their child feel shitty with no right to reply, after their death. It shows her mindset, and the words of a selfish narcasist who wants their legacy on earth to be pain and guilt are nothing.

Burn the letter. Breathe a sigh of relief. The abuse is over. She had her last dig. You are free

After reading your post I hope you burn your ‘mother’s’ letter. She sounds like a psycho x

I'm so sorry OP. It's not you, it's her.

Now I'm going to say this, be glad she's gone and that letter was the last piece of shit she could inflict on you. Imagine that letter was in a balloon, let it go and watch it piss off into the sunset and the far distance....and burst.

How absolutely awful for you and what a pathetic twisted and nasty excuse for a mother. Its so maddening because the very person causing the anguish is no longer here to shout at. I can sympathise as my birth mother was on a par with yours. When she put me in to care she told my older brother and sister that I'd died in the fire she caused by falling asleep pissed with a fag in her hand. All the children were taken away as negligence was proved against her but she did manage to get the older siblings back in her care. I was randomly told of her death 6 weeks after it happened, she made it clear she never wanted me at her funeral. Her standing in the Jewish community would have fallen given the news she'd had a child taken away. The damage parents can do......

After reading your post I hope you burn your ‘mother’s’ letter. She sounds like a psycho x

I absolutely will. 1% of me hopes it would be an apology, but after death it would be meaningless, so I'll be ahving a bonfire when she dies with fireworks

That unkind & untrue letter says everything about her.
I am sorry your mother had no idea how lovely you’ve always been.

Christ on a bike, she sounds just like my robotic bitch of a mother. With hindsight, I've had to grudgingly accept that she has severe mental health issues, though that didn't help when she was wrecking my childhood. It's made me a good mum though, I just did the opposite of whatever she would do. She lives in a shitty little flat now with a only a scabby old cat that pisses under her bed for company. There's more chance of me having dinner on the moon than going to her funeral.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Please seek some professional support.
I'm sorry to say this because she's your mum, but god what a toxic and frankly unhinged person she sounds - it all sounds more about her mental health than your/sibling relationship with her
Please find a way to put aside and move on , she wanted to instigate a terrible response from you, don't let her win you deserve more

I’m so sorry you had to read that, and with no warning of how abusive it was. You may find some useful support over at the ‘Stately Homes’ thread on MN, and I’d agree that some therapy would help a lot. It’s absolutely your choice how to draw the line under her part of your life, and what you do with the letter is part of that process.

Wow.

Come to the stately homes thread on the relationships board if you need some more support

It doesn't feel like it, but in a way it's a gift. You never need feel guilty that you had to cut her from your lives. It wasn't a misunderstanding, she really was a vindictive person.

For some reason it makes me think of all those messages from the twin towers left for people's families: not one message of hatred for the attackers or cause of their imminent deaths; just a desperate need to affirm and confirm their love. What a desperately sad thing that your mother had so much time and chose vindictiveness and blame. It really, really does not reflect on you; it reflects on her.

Can you and your brother burn that letter together (maybe virtually for social distancing) and watch her vile words disappear in the flames?