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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Letter from beyond the grave from my NC toxic mother. Nastiest thing I’ve ever read.

261 replies

TToxicDeadMother · 12/11/2020 21:41

Me and my brother have been NC with her for 6 years. Long story but she was very nasty and abusive. Emotionally all our lives and physically when we were kids.

She carried on being nasty and Critical all the time. Said nasty things about my appearance to my Dd and then denied saying it and called Dd a psycho. She was divorced from my dad by then after she had an affair and he caught her out. He died before we went NC and she was vile then. Insisted on coming to the funeral even though my dad had remarried, threw a tantrum because she couldn’t read the eulogy.....this was a woman who stabbed him the night she threw him out the house!

So she died 10 days ago. I’d been told she was dying and spent days sat with her in the hospital, she was too far gone to know I was there.

Today I got a letter via the solicitor. Pages and pages of abuse and ranting. Obviously I’m disinherited. Fine. Lies upon lies about how she never had an affair (she forgot she printed off the very explicit emails between her and the bloke involved and gave them to me for safe keeping). Lies about how I only went NC with her because I’m selfish and she had no use to me once Dd was older as I’d used her for babysitting.....she babysat occasionally. Like twice a year on request, other times were when she asked to have Dd.

She says she hopes the guilt kills me. She hopes my Dd are as wicked to me as I’ve been to her. Lots of insults. Says she never insulted me to Dd but then says....but you are the size of a house. I was a size 16!

What sort of fucking twisted bitch of a mother writes such a letter? She obviously wanted to be cruel and have the last word when she knows I can’t respond. I’m so fucking angry. I’m angry I visited her at the hospital. A little part of me thought the letter might express regret, how bloody wrong.

OP posts:
Coffeeandcocopops · 12/11/2020 22:18

My father did this. The letter was given to me after he died.

Henio · 12/11/2020 22:18

That's terrible, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sit out in the garden with a fire going and burn the bloody thing, have as glass of wine too and watch it fizzle to nothing ❤️

5zeds · 12/11/2020 22:19

You sat by her bedside as she died and she left you a horrid letter. I think that says all you need to know about who is who and what is what. Be you @TToxicDeadMother be the mother and grandmother you needed and let her go. You are free.

CommanderBurnham · 12/11/2020 22:20

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

However, this last letter is all the evidence you need to confirm that it was all her and not you.
That's really important as it will help you in accepting who she was and how to move on. You are free of her tyranny now.

It's time for you and your family to heal.

SakiSiam · 12/11/2020 22:20

TToxicDeadMother
'Now I bloody hope her last few years were lonely and miserable.'

Good for you; she deserved absolutely nothing from you. But, if you can, put her away and know that she's part of your past. Don't let her shape any more of your future.

RosieCockle · 12/11/2020 22:21

Dona poo on it in the garden the set it on fire.
I'm half joking. But treat that letter with the respect it deserves.

user1471538283 · 12/11/2020 22:21

I'm so sorry. But you are having the last word by not going to the funeral and being a lovely mum to your DD. I found a letter my mother wrote to her friend once saying all sorts about me and laughing at some trouble I was having. Who does that? My mother could never hold down a job, thought she was better, prettier, more intelligent than everyone else despite never being. She could not bare me having anything. Leaving that letter for you was spiteful and no wonder you are upset

Miip · 12/11/2020 22:23

What a horrible be spiteful thing to do

You were with her in hospital and won't have any guilt that you did the right thing.

Don't go to the funeral. Let people who do go wonder why her kids aren't even there.

Lots of love to you, I'm sorry you're going through this Thanks

NoPrivateSpy · 12/11/2020 22:23

How can any parent do this to their child? What a totally heartless thing to do. She's punishing you for going NC by having the last word. That is truly twisted but also tremendously sad. What an awful way to love your life.

Remember you are nothing like her and you did the right thing by going NC. As apologetic letter may have made you feel guilty about blocking her. No what if's in this scenario.

B1rdflyinghigh · 12/11/2020 22:24

I just want to send you a huge virtual hug. What an awful thing to do, Im lost for words. But that horrid letter doesnt define you as a person. It demonstrates what she was like. I'm sorry that you didnt get a lovely letter. Burn it and move on.
Flowers

noirchatsdeux · 12/11/2020 22:25

Your remark about how she should have wanted to be a better mother than her own is one I've often used about my own narcissistic mother. Sadly it doesn't always work that way - whenever I dare comment negatively about my childhood (I am been treated for C-PTSD) I always get 'mine was worse' - with the implication that 'I suffered so why shouldn't you'. Her only stated 'suffering' was not having her parents undivided attention growing up as she was one of 9 children...

As you have said, these type of people have zero personal insight - they are always right, others are always lesser, and wrong. Bitterness like this should be ignored.

mcmooberry · 12/11/2020 22:26

What a horrible thing to happen. However, it has reinforced the fact that it was the correct decision for you both to go NC with her for the last 6 years. Honestly, as the days go by the shock will lessen. Sorry you had to have such an awful woman for your mother.

yellowbeaker · 12/11/2020 22:27

I am so sorry you are going through this but it is good you can see that she is the one with the problem and not you.

Many years ago I was in a relationship with a bullying narcisist who completely destroyed me. When I had counselling afterwards one of the things they suggested was to write a letter to him and then burn it. I wonder if this technique might help you? Kind of your way of responding.

Really hope you have lots of lovely people around you to lift you up from this. x

Oly4 · 12/11/2020 22:29

What a horrible cruel thing to do to a child. She didn’t deserve you.
Throw the letter from this twisted woman away and live your life Dee from her tyranny.
And absolutely, I’d not go to the funeral either

MarshaBradyo · 12/11/2020 22:29

I’m so sorry. That is so awful. Your physical and emotional reaction is normal. I really feel for you, it’s beyond cruel Sad

Wildflower219 · 12/11/2020 22:29

@TToxicDeadMother I am so sorry you deserve so much more than this. Do not believe a word that is in that letter the fact that you say with her and the fact that it's hurting you shows that you care so she can never say you didn't. Ive read the letter was dated 2015. I hope she forgot about it and therefore that's why didn't remove it from solicitors. It does sound like she had some unresolved perhaps mental health problems but I do agree that talking to someone will help. You seem to be doing well for yourself and should be proud of how far you've come without her and I'm glad you still have your brother. Sadly we cannot chose our full biological family but we can make our own. Flowers sending love and hugs

Temporary1234 · 12/11/2020 22:29

Did she want you to read the letter or was it something someone found in her house ??

She does sound troubled but it could be something she wrote in her moment of total anger and not a reflection of how she feels about u in her calm state

MotherOfUnicorns4 · 12/11/2020 22:31

These mothers leave devastation everywhere they go. I went NC with mine 4 years ago. I still get a weird feeling of guilt about not being able to forgive her. Shes had plenty of chances to attone for her sins, but never has. She is pure evil. You'll go through a strange sort of grief now, mourning for what could have been, what could have been said etc. But try to remember you are one million times the mother she was and know that the world is now a better place without her. You will live your life in peace eventually. Something she could never do. Counselling is a good step. Burn the letter, I burned all my photos of my mother because she didn't deserve to be remembered. It was quite a symbolic moment! You're a survivor and now you can be free. Hugs and Flowers

notanotherlasagne · 12/11/2020 22:31

She sounds like my mum. Either burn it or go to her funeral and read it out to all her friends (if she has any). Then go to therapy, deal with the damage and vow to make the rest of your life happier without her in it.

iMatter · 12/11/2020 22:31

I am so sorry OP

This is appalling

I have nothing to add other than a virtual hug

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 12/11/2020 22:31

She has confirmed beyond doubt that you were absolutely right to go no contact with her. In some ways a letter saying sorry and acknowledging that she was wrong might have given you more guilt, a fear that you could have had a few good years with her, but now you know that you did what was necessary to protect yourself and your family.

TToxicDeadMother · 12/11/2020 22:32

Technical I think she actually went NC with me.

My brother called her out on her behaviour. Told her if she wanted to continue having a relationship with us she had to change. We never heard from her again. Well I got 2x nasty emails actually pointing out what a terrible Dd I am/was to her. But that was it. My brother made it clear to her if she changed we could sort stuff out but guess she felt she hadn’t done anything wrong.

OP posts:
Babysharkdoodoodood · 12/11/2020 22:32

Christ! I'd be getting that funeral cancelled and arranging direct cremation instead. Then tipping the ashes into the compost bin.

But then I can be truly mean and petty.

TToxicDeadMother · 12/11/2020 22:33

@Temporary1234

Did she want you to read the letter or was it something someone found in her house ??

She does sound troubled but it could be something she wrote in her moment of total anger and not a reflection of how she feels about u in her calm state

She wanted it sent. She left it with her solicitor and strict instructions to be given to us on her death.
OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 12/11/2020 22:33

She's gone. She can't hurt you anymore and by being a wonderful mum to your own daughter you're having the life she could only imagine. She deserves only your pity. XX

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