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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Good enough to have children with but not marry

140 replies

Artandlove · 12/11/2020 20:34

...ANYMORE!

Just that really.

Together 9 years, 2 children, in our mid 30’s. We’ve had a couple of really tough years which were brought about by situations out of our control. It all started after we’d got engaged. Many arguments on what to do and it took its toll on our relationship, family and both of our mental health.

Obviously I am hurt by what he has said, but I did push the matter because I felt this may have been the case. It has got me to thinking on whether or not my views on relationships and family are outdated. Things have been awful and continue to be hard because of an ongoing problem. I’ve always been of the opinion that you take the good and the bad in a long term and do not just throw the towel in. I guess in a way that if you are together for 60 years then you can’t expect all 60 to be good. I’ve never viewed him as disposable or replaceable and thought we would go the distance. The years previously were good and connected.

Sorry I’m rambling. So obviously I love him, he is the father of my children and I hadn’t seen a future different from us being together. Are my views outdated and what should I do from here? Feels a bit of a miserable and pointless relationship with no future now after him saying that. A step back. Do people get engaged and then no longer be engaged and still remain together? Does it make his word not mean anything now?

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:

Bettyboop82 · 12/11/2020 20:41

So what did he say exactly? Sorry, I’m confused...

Pacif1cDogwood · 12/11/2020 20:44

Did he actually say these words? 'Good enough to have children with but not to marry'? Or is that how he makes you feel?

Either way, it's not great.

Do you love him?
When you hear his car pull up outside, does your heart leap in happy anticipation or does it sink?
Does his presence add to your life or suck the joy out of it?

I think you need to have a very honest and open conversation with him. A good relationship counsellor can help facilitate these difficult conversations.

VettiyaIruken · 12/11/2020 20:45

He actually said "you are not good enough to marry anymore" ?

Original poster

Artandlove · 12/11/2020 20:45

That I was good enough to have children with but he doesn’t want to marry me anymore. Says he might feel differently down the line.

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 12/11/2020 20:46

Then you stop being his pretend wife.

FippertyGibbett · 12/11/2020 20:46

I hope your name is on the deeds if you own your home, and that you have a private pension.

Original poster

Artandlove · 12/11/2020 20:50

@Pacif1cDogwood yes I was feeling that so this is why I pushed the matter. Yes he said those words. I do love him yes and like to spend time with him which doesn’t happen often. He isn’t as happy a person as he used to be, he has a lot of stress going on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Artandlove · 12/11/2020 20:54

@Onthedunes can you elaborate on that? What sort of things would do that?

@FippertyGibbett I have a joint family home here and a property of my own from before we met. Private pension with not much of anything in it. I’m a stay at home parent just now.

OP posts:

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/11/2020 20:55

He might feel differently down there line!

Fucking hell

Floralnomad · 12/11/2020 20:55

If he’d said that to me all of his stuff would be in bin bags outside the door . I’m sorry OP but I can’t see how you can carry on being a couple after that , unless you are happy to just sit around and wait in the hope he changes his mind - I wouldn’t because I value myself .

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/11/2020 20:55

I don’t think your views are outdated at all. Marriage confers legal rights and protections for you and your children. It also is a commitment you make to each other, that you’re going to give best shot at that 60yrs together. So yes, I’d be really hurt too and feel like I’d been led down the garden path with a promise of marriage.
If this is a deal breaker for you, I would completely understand. It would be for me.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/11/2020 20:56

Why doesn't he want to marry you anymore?

Ginger1982 · 12/11/2020 20:56

Your views aren't outdated but you've allowed yourself to get into a situation where you live together and have kids but yet he's not had to make a real commitment to you. People will say that having kids is the real commitment but that just isn't true. He probably also knows that you're unlikely to leave him and uproot your kids over this.

Savourysenorita · 12/11/2020 20:58

This is why I got married before having kids. It's so easy not to bother with marriage after having little ones. What he said was horrible. Bastard

VettiyaIruken · 12/11/2020 21:00

Jesus. He actually said it! You're not good enough? There's no way back from that.

Did the gigantic wanker explain why you are apparently no longer good enough?

Shoxfordian · 12/11/2020 21:01

Wow. Why are you even considering staying with him?

FifteenToes · 12/11/2020 21:02

It seems like an odd thing to say and I'm having difficulty working out exactly what he meant. Sometimes problems like this arise just because one partner (usually the woman) believes in the value and importance of marriage in a way that the other doesn't. It's not that she isn't "good enough", but that marriage doesn't feel (to him) like an appropriate or meaningful way to be with her.

But this doesn't seem like that. If he actually said that you're not good enough to marry, that suggests he DOES believe in marriage and DOES see it as the natural pinnacle of what a serious relationship aspires to, he just doesn't see you as satisfying how he would want to do that. That's pretty grave. As you've been together a long time (so it's not like it's building up to that but isn't quite there yet), and you apparently do (or at least did) see the relationship as going there, I'm not sure where you can go from here. You're always going to be aware that it's not quite right, he doesn't feel it's quite right and isn't committed to making it right. How do you make love to someone who's just told you you're not good enough for them?

Crazycrazylady · 12/11/2020 21:03

To be fair you have said the last few years have been difficult. It feels from what you've said that it's by no means certain that you are going to make it as a couple. I think I can see his point of view in the not impossible scenario that you don't make it a divorce is messier and more expensive than a relationship breakdown. If my brother asked me for advice ins a similar situation I think I'd probably advise him to wait. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/11/2020 21:03

I'd be removing my engagement ring and informing him of his impending departure from my life.

nowishtofly · 12/11/2020 21:04

What a prince.

Your views aren't outdated and marriage brings with it all sorts of legal and financial protections. And a commitment to marry does suggest a future for you both, him backing out of it suggests not.

I would be very hurt by this and looking for my out. I'd maybe let him know that now he has declared there isn't real commitment from him that frees you up to think about what's best for you and the kids. Let him ponder that.

OhDearMuriel · 12/11/2020 21:07

He's effectively killed the relationship.
I don't know how you can ever come back from that.

Original poster

Artandlove · 12/11/2020 21:09

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor I know, fucking hell was my thoughts as well. He doesn’t want to marry me because of all of the arguments on something (not a family dispute thing). I think he’s been been far too soft/weak and I would have dealt with it differently.

@Floralnomad and @PlanDeRaccordement that’s just it, I don’t want to sit around and wait and I do think it is a deal breaker. Then I am torn because this isn’t what I want.

@Ginger1982 I am glad to hear I am not totally outdated with my views. I feel really quite stupid for putting myself in this situation and leaving my work when the children came along. My earning potential now is far less with a long break in my employment and he’s built his up over the past few years. I put my heart and soul in to my little family.

OP posts:

KarmaNoMore · 12/11/2020 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IseeIsee · 12/11/2020 21:14

You don't paint a glowing picture of the relationship so maybe he doesn't want to take the next step as you are currently unhappyish together. If it was said out ofthe blue then I would be very upset but it seems it is something building up.

Onthedunes · 12/11/2020 21:16

Where do I start....

Your a SAHM, I presume you make his life comfortable
Stop washing his clothes
Cooking his meals
Running arround after him, organising his lfe to run better
Stop having sex with him.

I would advise any woman to marry with children to protect their future as co-habitating couples have no legal rights.

Maybe you are wealthier than him, I don't know, so that makes your case of marrying him even more heartbreaking, but what he said was unnecessarily cruel and he needs to understand nastiness does not pay.

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