Good enough to have children with but not marry

[Artandlove]

...ANYMORE!

Just that really.

Together 9 years, 2 children, in our mid 30’s. We’ve had a couple of really tough years which were brought about by situations out of our control. It all started after we’d got engaged. Many arguments on what to do and it took its toll on our relationship, family and both of our mental health.

Obviously I am hurt by what he has said, but I did push the matter because I felt this may have been the case. It has got me to thinking on whether or not my views on relationships and family are outdated. Things have been awful and continue to be hard because of an ongoing problem. I’ve always been of the opinion that you take the good and the bad in a long term and do not just throw the towel in. I guess in a way that if you are together for 60 years then you can’t expect all 60 to be good. I’ve never viewed him as disposable or replaceable and thought we would go the distance. The years previously were good and connected.

Sorry I’m rambling. So obviously I love him, he is the father of my children and I hadn’t seen a future different from us being together. Are my views outdated and what should I do from here? Feels a bit of a miserable and pointless relationship with no future now after him saying that. A step back. Do people get engaged and then no longer be engaged and still remain together? Does it make his word not mean anything now?

Any thoughts or advice?

I would insist that he follows through and moves out on Saturday. Get him gone.

You will be fine OP. Yes it will be scary. But within a very short space of time you will be free from all this angst.

Let us know if he leaves.
Mine said he would leave after he announced that we don't get along enough to get married. Yet, he refuses to have the snip incase we want another 🤔.
He packed his case, drove around for a bit and then came home when we were all sleeping... and he's still here.
I'm planning to leave him in a few months time.

@itsovernowthen

Well done you👏👏👏. Heartwarming to read about a strong woman with a plan.
Every best wish for your future.

How old are the kids OP? It's all sounding a bit bickering and toxic.
I mean, it's a hell of a time to just 'move out'where to? With what money? When is he seeing his children? How much child support will he be paying?

[quote billy1966]@itsovernowthen

Well done you👏👏👏. Heartwarming to read about a strong woman with a plan.
Every best wish for your future.[/quote]

Thanks @billy1966. The more I think about it, the more determined I am. I've spent the past 6 months getting the house "sale ready", and will be there in the next few weeks... and have been looking at houses I want to buy once it's sold. The good thing is that there'll be no chain, as I have supportive family locally, who we'll be able to stay with if we have to, in case there's a big gap in purchasing a new house, though I'm prepared to rent.

I honestly don't understand why these men behave like this, although I know my DP thinks I'll never leave him because I don't want the DC to come from separated parents. My own parents have been married for 43 years, but for me, I've witnessed how my DM's lack of finances affected her personal position, which meant she couldn't leave when she really should have, and now they're stuck together in their late 60's/70's. I don't want that for my DC.

@Weusedtosing

Let us know if he leaves. Mine said he would leave after he announced that we don't get along enough to get married. Yet, he refuses to have the snip incase we want another 🤔. He packed his case, drove around for a bit and then came home when we were all sleeping... and he's still here. I'm planning to leave him in a few months time.

Good for you @Weusedtosing.

You deserve to be loved and cherished, as we all do.

No he didn’t leave. Ended up saying he did wanted to be with me and now he is back to he wants to leave again. It’s emotionally exhausting.

Make the decision for him and ask him to leave. Why should you put up with being messed about like this ? At very minimum you bother need some space to figure out what you both want.

Jaysus. I agree with pp. Make the decision for him.

Don't make any rash decisions OP. You could still make changes that secure your future without breaking up your lifestyle. The priority is to train for a career and stop being a SAHM. Get some earning power back, build up your pension, put aside savings and in a couple of years you can decide if you even want to marry him for stability.
Make a mental shift now. Carve out child-free time in your day for you to train/study or update the skills you used in your old job. Treat him as if you are parenting 50/50. Give him set hours when he'll be in charge of the DC. Housework and washing becomes 50/50. You start a hobby and go out with your friends more often. Tell him that this is all necessary because you won't be a SAHM.
Shake everything up. No more arguing because you aren't invested in his life and what he does anymore.
I have a feeling if you do this with 100% conviction, he'll give his head a wobble.

He doesn't get to choose, op. For your own sanity and dignity he has to go.

Take the power away from him. Tell him you want him out. He is treating you appallingly, and not just over this. He sounds like an awful excuse for a man.

Who the hell does he think he is? To say something like that without the slightest trace of irony or self-awareness? Then all the chopping and changing. He's enjoying his power, no doubt. Enough.

I would take back the control. He's in fact saying that if a better option appears down the line, he'll take that. Most probably marry her too.
Get your ducks in a row. You are in a bad financial position. Stop being an unpaid domestic not worth the long-term contract. You wouldn't put up with this in a professional context, don't accept it here either. Good luck x

If you don't take some control OP he will wall all over you as and when he sees fit

Good luck