Good enough to have children with but not marry

[Artandlove]

...ANYMORE!

Just that really.

Together 9 years, 2 children, in our mid 30’s. We’ve had a couple of really tough years which were brought about by situations out of our control. It all started after we’d got engaged. Many arguments on what to do and it took its toll on our relationship, family and both of our mental health.

Obviously I am hurt by what he has said, but I did push the matter because I felt this may have been the case. It has got me to thinking on whether or not my views on relationships and family are outdated. Things have been awful and continue to be hard because of an ongoing problem. I’ve always been of the opinion that you take the good and the bad in a long term and do not just throw the towel in. I guess in a way that if you are together for 60 years then you can’t expect all 60 to be good. I’ve never viewed him as disposable or replaceable and thought we would go the distance. The years previously were good and connected.

Sorry I’m rambling. So obviously I love him, he is the father of my children and I hadn’t seen a future different from us being together. Are my views outdated and what should I do from here? Feels a bit of a miserable and pointless relationship with no future now after him saying that. A step back. Do people get engaged and then no longer be engaged and still remain together? Does it make his word not mean anything now?

Any thoughts or advice?

@Rainbowqueeen it was him who actually pushed the SAHM thing, it was something I’d never considered until the point I realised there wasn’t much choice there. I worked long hours per day and he refused to be flexible to look after the children if I was working. He is still extremely difficult about it.

You are right he does none of the household chores or even the things with the kids like bath time etc. He doesn’t cook or make any meals even on days he is here. Obviously you the chores and meals etc I’d always just automatically done myself before I met him so I just continued to do so.

Thank you for your advice, it’s exactly what I need right now. So many helpful posts from from this thread. It’s helped me break down what has and is happening and the action I should take now.

He said to me tonight that he doesn’t love me enough to fix things with me. I picked a bad one and it’s taken me years to find this out. He also strangely said he wants things to remain as they are, not to separate and have an average relationship. Surely playing mind games with me, it makes no sense!

@Rainbowqueeen forgot to say - yes he has a lot more disposable income than me.

@Trickyboy I love this! Only thing that has made me laugh all day. Such truth in it too!

Sorry to read this OP.
It sounds like he pushed the SAHM thing because that way he gets someone running the house, doing the childcare, he can keep his career and because you're financially dependent on him then in his eyes you're less likely to leave. The fact he turns the guilt on about how you're just too good a mum to uproot the kids/leave is done deliberately. He wants to have someone propping up his life and career but without ever acknowledging that contribution in law.

You are worth so much more.

What do you want OP? I mean after this how do you feel about marrying him? It all seems to be about what he wants..

I have heard that sometimes when couples split up at least it means the partner needs to take the Dc for the weekend and step up a bit on that front..

oh and pay maintenance as well

I have two Dc with my ex and we was together 9 years too. Marriage never crossed my mind at all I was against it saw as only a piece of paper. Then after dd2 was born someone asked him infront of me "when are you going to get married then?" He's reply was " never, marriage is too big a commitment"
It baffled me how he saw that having kids was less of a commitment. Anyhow I eventually saw him for the immature guy that he was and we separated last year. Best thing I ever did.

🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🌄🌄🌄🌄🌄🌄🌄🌄🌄🌄🌄🌄🌄🌄🌄

So he repeated it again just yesterday! That would be it for me!

You really do deserve so much better than this.

Of course he wants things to stay the same so he can have you around to facilitate his life and he doesn't have to pay you anything.

It looks like it's time to start putting yourself first and start making a plan. Not sure what your career was but it probably won't take a whole lot of time to get back to it.

OP would you be open to marriage counselling to see if the issues are fixable? If you are I think that would be my ultimatum. He goes to marriage counselling or you separate, but also he would need to understand given what he's said that you may need some physical space... (or whatever you need) until the issues are resolved. And I'd be job hunting asap. If he's not willing to do marriage counselling I'd take that given what he's already said as actually he meant he didn't want a relationship with you, but was willing to hang around for children/childcare/the benefits of being in a relationship until something better comes along. But if what he's done is a deal breaker then it's a deal breaker. You don't him more chances or a relationship, it's about what's right for you.

Your views not outdated at all - totally understand your feelings and shocking he could say that.

My DP doesnt want to marry me despite being keen when we moved in together with our DS 8 yrs ago. We’re both divorced so initially I was relaxed but now would like, to but he never wants too... makes me feel very different about him and our future.

Sorry OP, just caught up on your last post. Please ignore post above. I don't know if he's playing games as such. He likes things the way they are and it suits him to keep them the same. He gets flexible childcare, see his kids a lot more than otherwise, housework and cooking done for him, sex, doesn't have to do any of the thought load involved with kids, doesn't have to take time off when they're sick and so on. He wants to keep having all that, maybe while he looks for someone else, maybe more inertia and happy with a good enough relationship because it meets so many of his needs. If he's not willing to try and salvage things, I'd be just looking after DC and yourself from now on and finding a job ASAP. Do you have a spare room you can sleep in or bunk in with one of the kids? I wouldn't want to share a bed with him after this.

Mine didn't want to marry me anymore after I had PND and I called his mother out for being vile and overbearing.
I'm in the process of getting my ducks in a row to leave him.
I have days where I go on MN and see posters comments on threads like these saying "why did you have kids with someone you weren't married to?"
And I loathe myself for a while.
Then I look back at my life pre-kids and realise, even in the vulnerable state I'm in now with 2 DCs, I'd choose this life time and time again over the one I had before DCs.
One never knows what decisions they may have made if they had been in the shoes and the life of another.

He's hedging his bets op. He wants to carry on until he finds (or I believe succeeds in wooing) his better option. He wants his cake, and he wants to eat it,

Withdraw your participation in this relationship , your participation that mirrors "wifely" duties. Look for a job. He doesn't respect you, love you or value you. Get out. Regain some control

Also to add:
DP and I are now living separate lives under one roof whilst I sort my ducks. I'd recommend it, it's great.
Separate rooms, he washes his own clothes, I cook a meal and plate some up for him but he eats it elsewhere if I'm eating with the kids. We're sharing time with the kids equally and I suddenly have tons more free time. We're rarely in one room together with the DCs and they are too young to notice.
We even have a rota for who sits in the lounge in the evenings.
So far to get myself on track,I've secured a new job for January with more hours and a higher salary to become financially secure. I'm in counselling, I'm squirrelling away small amounts of money, seen a solicitor for financial advice, learning to spend time away from the DCs (hardest part for me).
But he's still under this roof for now, which suits me as he gets up to do the early mornings if I've had a bad night with DCs. Everything I'm planning will fall into place when DCs begin school next year and then, he can find a new skivvy.

I agree with @Letmeouttahere - you will always have your beautiful DCs.
As for him, heading in the direction of greed and self-centredness will be his downfall in the end.

Blimey OP, it gets worse. When you first posted it felt as though maybe he said in the heat of the moment. Feels like he means it and that he expects you to accept the crumbs. I don't know about you, but I would just be digging my heels in at that + feeling very sorry for myself.

The icing on the cake - he doesn't pull his weight with the kids and treats himself well financially but not you. What a pig.

At least you know what you are up against. Agree with others that he is coasting along counting on a convenient life based on your sacrifices until he gets a better option. It's time to get your ducks in a row and work out what your better option looks like.

Sounds like someone who will leave you high and dry once the children have left home.

He doesn't love you enough to fix things with you!!!

Best he fucks off ASAP then! Wanker

What he said to you was horrible but at least you know how he feels so it's time to make plans and get away from him and the situation he put you in.
He had 2 kids with you and he pushed you until you agreed to be a sahm and to make his life as easy as possible.

I would start to sort things out and once your ready I tell him since I am not good enough to marry your no longer good enough for me to stay here as the mother of your 2 children and a barely paid servant. Get legal advice, tell him what maintenance he will have to pay you and that he will have his children X number of nights

wow, so he wants all the services of a 'wife' without the committment of one

Best advice!

From what you've said, you're in a stronger financial position than he is. Now I'm all for sharing in a good relationship, like I do with my partner (I earn more, but it all just goes into one pot and we discuss purchases). But yours is a bad relationship, so you're off to a good start here on how little you need him in your life.

You own 1.5 houses and you have a private pension. If I were you, after how much of a shit bag he has been, I'd point that out to him. Point out to him that with marriage, he'd have actually been entitled to half of both houses no doubt. But... as he feels you are not marriage material, you also feel he is not partner material. Split up with him, kick him out of the house you both own, you move out to your other house and sell the joint one. Get him out of your life entirely and show him how much he has lost in one go. He wants to stay with you because it's easier on him, because then he doesn't have to do parenting or anything I bet, you take care of everything. So he not only loses your help, he loses your financial security as well which I bet he also liked.

Get rid of him. You don't need him, he's a shit bag, a waste of space and a horrible person for saying that to you. Why keep sharing a bed with a dickhead like that?

Unfortunately it sounds as though there is no way back. He is openly insulting you now, not good enough to marry, doesn’t love you enough to fix things but hey you carry on as you are doing everything, he has decided he is ok with that. Fuck that noise.
You need to start thinking clearly. Now he has shown his hand it probably wouldn’t be in your best interest to marry, you already own more property than him. You are vulnerable as a SAHM but I think you know that so getting back into employment is a priority.
At least you haven’t waited another 5,10 or 20 years to find out your partner was a bad life choice.
Take away his options regarding your future, he might be happy with average but you don’t have to be.

Thank you for all of the messages.

@CakeRequired surely I’m in a worse financial position than he is because I’m not married, have young children and no job. My pension is really low, I’ve not paid in to it in years. Yes, it did cross my mind (after he said those horrible words) that if we got married he would instantly gain half of that which until the other night I wouldn’t have thought twice about - it shows how not enough he thinks of me. I just thought we’d be together, i guess I looked at us as committed to one another. I wish I could have no feelings for him. It all so painful and feels hopeless.