DP unhappy about my working hours

[WineByTheFire]

Inspired by a similar-ish thread on AIBU.

As the title suggests, DP is beginning to get very irate over my occasionally being "late" home from work.
Bit of background and from DP's POV: I work in manufacturing, DP in retail. I work days 7am to 4pm and DP works nights. Because of our working hours, we don't really see each other much during the week but ofc spend all weekend together.

Due to the nature of the job role, DP clocks out bang on finishing time, not a moment later. Never does overtime and doesn't care how this looks to employer. DP doesn't understand why I can't, or rather, choose not to do the same. If I'm in the middle of finishing something off which is time sensitive, I will stay behind the extra 10-15 minutes to get it done and out the way. I'm also conscious of the fact that we (as a workforce) have been threatened with redundancies 4 times over the past 5 years so I also make a point of staying to do certain things so I appear "useful" and valuable to the company. I don't always put in overtime for these extra 15 minutes, although I can if I want to, because I don't want to be seen as taking the piss. DP has the attitude of "fuck them, you finish at 4pm and if something isn't done then it's someone else's problem".

I have a v small commute - 10 minutes - and if im not home by 4.10pm, DP makes snarky comments and quizzes what I've been doing.

Important to note we have no kids, housework is split 70/30 to me, and latest I've ever been home is 4.45pm. Normally its 4.20pm and this isn't every day. Maybe 2 or 3 times a week max.

Am I right in thinking what I do is normal? And that an extra 15 minutes or so isn't a big deal. DP has asked me to put it to MN vote.

With an attitude like his, exactly how do you think he’s ever going to progress professionally? This man is not going to change, he’s controlling and nasty.

Bin him while you have the chance

I don't think he has any intention of progressing professionally. He's turned down dozens of opportunities to step up at his current job. He has been bleating for the past 6 years about how he needs a better paid job but always an excuse why it's not the right time to change professions. He works 5 hours a night, 5 nights a week, weekends free. He's comfortable where he is, but I know deep down he's not happy. I know stepping outside your comfort zone is hard but my sympathy is well and truly shot. I also think he's a bit resentful of my job

What's your life-plan?

This would drive me insane. Tbh 10 mins here and there is the norm these days.

My ex was a civil servant and he once said that one of his colleagues put the phone down on a customer at 5pm as her working hours were 9 to 5 and she'd do no more.

I think he's being very blinkered at the moment. If you start pulling stunts like walking out at your allotted time even if you're in the middle of things is a daft thing to do at this time. Has he not seen the unemployment figures and the volume of people losing jobs? I'm not saying employers should take advantage of this situation and people, but there's putting boundaries in place and being conscious enough to put a few mins in to finish something off before going home.

I'm fairly sure he benefits from you having a good job

15 minutes is fine, the other thread was on about someone wfh who was doing a few hours everyday over the hours and leaving them to struggle on with their child. Thats the difference.

Imo he's either become controlling and paranoid because he's realised he doesn't measure up to you (in terms of work ethic, life goals and being a good partner) and he thinks you're probably coming to that conclusion too and that you might be looking elsewhere or thinking of leaving him. Or he's having an affair and is looking for reasons in your behaviour to justify it.

You need a proper talk. If he goes on the defensive, tell him calmly he's doing so and ask him to keep engaging with the conversation.

It isn't whether she's interested. It is that he is enjoying being her shoulder to cry on. Nothing could happen but he has still checked out.

That said, I don't think that's your real problem. You have ambition, he doesn't. He wants the fruits of better jobs but isn't willing to take the required action.

It is quite normal for young couples to only discover that their values and attitudes are different in important ways after life progresses to a point where the cracks show.

If there is one piece of advice I would give every young person it is to get out quick when you find yourself in that situation. Staying is a mistake when it is down to inertia or not wanting to be the bad guy.

Don't wait for him to cheat so you can get rid. Don't try to fix him into having the same "right" behaviour as you.

If it is time to move on just get on with it as quickly and cleanly as possible even if that means being rather brutal. Your biggest regret will be leaving it too long, not doing it too sharply.

May I ask what ages you are? It seems like this could be relevant, if he has started to become unhappy with life it could be triggered by approaching a milestone birthday, e.g. 30. A lot of people are happy just going with the flow and enjoying life in their 20s and then suddenly the big 3-0 appears on the horizon and its "damn, what am I doing with my life?" That's obviously a massive guess, of course. He sounds suddenly paranoid and insecure, there has to be a reason for that.

If he hasn't been like this before, it could be just about any reason but there will be one. As your partner, he does owe you the respect of talking it through with you.

Oh so there's a Damsel at work.

Shocker.

God they're so predictable.

May I ask what ages you are? It seems like this could be relevant, if he has started to become unhappy with life it could be triggered by approaching a milestone birthday, e.g. 30. A lot of people are happy just going with the flow and enjoying life in their 20s and then suddenly the big 3-0 appears on the horizon and its "damn, what am I doing with my life?"

You might be on to something there. His big 4-0 is looming.

OP I read your post genuinely expecting there to be a ‘we do have 3 kids under 10 and DP does have to leave the house at 5pm for work BUT I still don’t think 10 minutes kills him’

In that situation ^ I’d still think he was being precious but I’d at least get why he was getting stressed/frustrated!

I was really taken a back when you said you have no kids because he’s just being flat out controlling for no reason at all! Before we had kids DH and I would frequently rock up from work hours late! We’d drop the other a message along the lines of ‘eat without me I’ll be home late’ but never had to ‘explain’ ourselves. Hell DH often fell asleep with me on my work laptop beside him in bed, during our busier periods.

Obviously with kids in the mix we have adjusted and are much more accountable to each other now but jeez this guy sounds awful!

I’d be running for the hills

If he's working 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, he's not even doing a full working week? And you are? Are you the main breadwinner? because it sounds to me like he's lazy and lacking ambition but also really insecure. Which is a terrible combination because it means that he's going to resent you for everything you do, while simultaneously having no interest in attempting to do more himself. He's also probably bored because he's at home all day doing nothing (not even the cleaning, cooking, housework) and wants you to be his everything.

Honestly, this behaviour can only escalate. Someone I know and love is in a similar situation and she's now at the point where if she's not actively working, she's constantly watching the clock worrying about being late by even a few minutes. He monitors her sanpro too - but mostly because he likes to accuse her of having an affair.

So weird. DH wouldn't notice my sanpro if his life depended on it. BUT... he'd also happily go out and buy it for me if I asked him. My friend's DH wouldn't be caught dead buying it, but he will check how much she has at any time. Weird.

He is 39. How old are you?

We don't all behave like this when we get to 40. Don't put up with this shit.

Watch the programme that aired on BBC about coercive control last night.

You don't have dc together so there's no point at all in living with him. Could you live separately and still see him, then you can do whatever you want.

reaching 40 and a damsel in distress causing trouble. Could be that the damsel has recounted stuff that has made him insecure about himself, whilst being the shining Knight. Made him realise that he isnt such a great catch after all. Or how she makes him feel Big and Strong, but you - with your job and your salary and your prospects, well, you make him feel a bit emasculated. Plus you are trying to make him do menial womens work around the home instead of caring for him. So of course you must be looking or doing elsewhere.

Its no coincidence that his behaviour has changed at the same time his Mighty Saviour act kicked in.

you cant know whats going on in his head, but its time to sit down and ask him. Whether he tells you or not is a different proposition, but this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable

Get him busy preparing dinner? Message him to say that you are late and crack on. I would purposely be late, pop to shop on way back etc.

My ex did this, sat getting hangry waiting for me to get back from work but wouldn’t fix dinner or do a snack

So given your DP asked you to post on here what does he think of the responses?

So he just works 25 hours a week!

Why do you put up with this? I would be really put off by a 40 year old clock watcher with no real ambition, different if he was rushing home to spend time on a fascinating hobby or volunteering but he sounds really dull and boring, what does he do when he's not at work? And who on earth monitors their DP's sanpro use? .

My DH and I have never had '9-5' jobs and we have never commented on each other's working hours - beyond the simple courtesy of giving each other a rough idea of when we might be home for meal planning or child care arrangements.

I work retail and rarely get to leave off on the dot and it drives me mad! Where does he work, I need a new job 😂 also he’s making a fuss over nothing isn’t he.

@Derekhello

I work retail and rarely get to leave off on the dot and it drives me mad! Where does he work, I need a new job 😂 also he’s making a fuss over nothing isn’t he.

You don’t need to ask, just leave. You don’t have to stay past your scheduled shift; they can’t keep you.

If you want to stay then fair enough, but if you don’t, you really done have to regardless of what they might think.