DP unhappy about my working hours

[WineByTheFire]

Inspired by a similar-ish thread on AIBU.

As the title suggests, DP is beginning to get very irate over my occasionally being "late" home from work.
Bit of background and from DP's POV: I work in manufacturing, DP in retail. I work days 7am to 4pm and DP works nights. Because of our working hours, we don't really see each other much during the week but ofc spend all weekend together.

Due to the nature of the job role, DP clocks out bang on finishing time, not a moment later. Never does overtime and doesn't care how this looks to employer. DP doesn't understand why I can't, or rather, choose not to do the same. If I'm in the middle of finishing something off which is time sensitive, I will stay behind the extra 10-15 minutes to get it done and out the way. I'm also conscious of the fact that we (as a workforce) have been threatened with redundancies 4 times over the past 5 years so I also make a point of staying to do certain things so I appear "useful" and valuable to the company. I don't always put in overtime for these extra 15 minutes, although I can if I want to, because I don't want to be seen as taking the piss. DP has the attitude of "fuck them, you finish at 4pm and if something isn't done then it's someone else's problem".

I have a v small commute - 10 minutes - and if im not home by 4.10pm, DP makes snarky comments and quizzes what I've been doing.

Important to note we have no kids, housework is split 70/30 to me, and latest I've ever been home is 4.45pm. Normally its 4.20pm and this isn't every day. Maybe 2 or 3 times a week max.

Am I right in thinking what I do is normal? And that an extra 15 minutes or so isn't a big deal. DP has asked me to put it to MN vote.

@StrippedFridge

You are in Act I of The Script.

New friends, accuses you of things, becomes an arse all of a sudden.

Cherchez la femme.

Sadly I agree with this

He’s a controlling wanker!

You can do what you like - work late if you want / need to, stop off at the shops, meet a friend, whatever. You don’t have kids so it’s not like it lumps him with work if you’re home later.

Also don’t do 70% of the housework. Why should you?

The work thing was bad enough but questioning how often you change your tampon is ficming mental. I couldn't take someone owing me about and questioning everything I did. I would have to leave him ASAP, sounds creepy.

fucking, not ficming
Following, not owing

As everyone has already said, the tampon thing is weird AND creepy.

The being late thing is also odd. What if you announced you were meeting a friend at 4:10 instead of coming home? How would he take that? Because I'm guessing he wouldn't be so happy about it.

The only time I think that level of clock watching is even slightly normal is when the person at home has been in sole charge of a small baby for the day. IME, if your partner says they will be home at 5:05, by 5:06 you're chomping at the bit.

2 months is either when you actually genuinely noticed his behaviour because it escalated, or there's a trigger. Being charitable, it's a mental health issue on his part. Less charitable is a guilty conscience.

your partner is in retail and doesn't work weekends -unheard of

@nonbindary

your partner is in retail and doesn't work weekends -unheard of

No it isn't, Not all retail sector is shop floor etc.

its better to be seen as a useful asset, rather than an expendable asset. keep doing things your way Op, your dp will have to accept your wishes,

He questioned you about replacing your tampon.
You need to keep reading your post back to yourself & ask yourself what the actual fuck you're doing staying with him.

It's not uncommon fir a cheating spouse to behave like this - to try to catch you out, because he knows he can do it, so can you.

But he's unhinged, you don't owe him your life.

Get out.

When I worked in retail I never ever left on the dot.

And when you leave your job is nothing to do with him.

Questions:

a)What about him is 'loveable'?
b) Why on earth are you with him?
c) What does he actually bring to your life?
d) What do you think your future looks like?

I've been married over 20 years and my DH has never questioned me on my working hours. Something can come up and I stay later.

Pre lockdown I could decide to go to the shops afterwards.

I would really find this behaviour stifling, like a prisoner on a tag or something.

Does do stand for dick partner in your case?

Carry on doing as you are and if he carries on with his stupid comments he needs putting right. It’s all about give and take with work, and if there have been redundancies you have a very valid point

It’s a pity he doesn’t understand as one day it’s likely to bit him on the bum

He's being ridiculous. I've worked in offices where I've put in two or three hours extra a night (and sometimes more plus the odd weekend) to get jobs/projects done. I've never got paid overtime. He's lucky he can leave when he wants. You carry on doing what you're doing. He needs to grow up!

This sounds like my exh. It was a prelude to him trying to get me to quit my job and stay at home. Basically he was unable to regulate his own emotions and if I was out of the house, he was eaten alive with anxiety that I was having an affair. He couldn't cope with that but also couldn't accept it was his problem to sort and not mine - that is was unreasonable to suffocate someone else due to his inability to cope with his own anxiety/issues. I had to leave him in the end, it was extremely sad.

So many men have such limited emotional coping skills, and such limited insight into their own feelings, that they can't fathom why it isnt ok to destroy their loved ones in service of avoiding their own issues. They literally assume that women can just change (e.g. quit their jobs to become ft unpaid mh nurses or carers) and then everything will be ok. Including getting furious at the woman for not playing along.

I wpuld assume your dp is having mh challenges, but lacks the insight to realise that, so he is now turning the screws on you in the belief that if he can control you, his negative emotions will die down

ps the tampon story is very very familiar. My exh was like this, but with any hygiene. Why are you showering when you come in from work? Why have you changed the type of Sanpro you use? Why have you got thrush? How do I know its thrush? Why have you changed the way you shave your bikini line? Absolutely bonkers. But again, all about control, and the root of it was he had a mistaken belief that it was MY behavior that was causing his mh issues. When in fact, he just had anxiety and depression. Which he needed therapy for.

In essence it created as situation where he turned the screws ever tighter on me, because his mh issues weren't resolving... because... they actually were not about me. But he couldn't see that and didn't care that he was breaking me in the process.

The new colleague he keeps mentioning is male. The one he was on the phone to was female. She's not a new colleague though, she's been there as long as he has. She's apparently getting bullied by the new colleague and he was on the phone helping/giving her advice. He volunteered this information, I didn't ask. I didn't even realise he was on the phone.

Where can I find The Script? I've seen it mentioned on here but never thought I'd have to read it myself.

WellQualified your post has reminded me, I also got questioned when I rushed into the shower after work last week (when my period started unexpectedly), he questioned why then asked do I keep sanpro at work? where? I never knew you had a locker at work?

I have a quiet day at work today so I might be able to come home early again.. be interesting to see if he has the same reaction/questions as when I'm late!

So he's recently become a Knight in Shining Armour to a female colleague. Coincidentally, he's become controlling of you.

Sounds like he's either projecting or looking for a way to make you to blame for him looking elsewhere.

I never knew you had a locker at work?
He really thinks you're hiding something.

@DownTownAbbey

So he's recently become a Knight in Shining Armour to a female colleague. Coincidentally, he's become controlling of you.

Sounds like he's either projecting or looking for a way to make you to blame for him looking elsewhere.

This.

I don't think I'm too worried about this female colleague. I've never met her but from what I can see on Facebook, shes married with 2 kids.
Not that its unheard of, of course.

The Script
www.emotionalaffair.org/the-cheating-spouse-follows-a-script/

Chumplady's take on it.
www.chumplady.com/2019/01/do-cheaters-all-work-from-the-same-script/

Lazy at home, lazy at work, expects you to account for every breathing moment of your life? But "loveable".

What are you getting out of this relationship that you wouldn't get better from a labrador puppy?

I think if you intend to stay in the relationship, you need to put your foot down and stop putting up with his increasingly bizarre jealous behaviours. Tell him you will not be questioned on your movements/time-keeping any further, and if he doesn't wind his neck in he will destroy your relationship. Stop placating him, stop engaging with the questioning.

He needs to go and get help if he cannot stop.

And being married with children doesn't stop affairs. If it did, we wouldn't have so much divorce .