DP unhappy about my working hours

[WineByTheFire]

Inspired by a similar-ish thread on AIBU.

As the title suggests, DP is beginning to get very irate over my occasionally being "late" home from work.
Bit of background and from DP's POV: I work in manufacturing, DP in retail. I work days 7am to 4pm and DP works nights. Because of our working hours, we don't really see each other much during the week but ofc spend all weekend together.

Due to the nature of the job role, DP clocks out bang on finishing time, not a moment later. Never does overtime and doesn't care how this looks to employer. DP doesn't understand why I can't, or rather, choose not to do the same. If I'm in the middle of finishing something off which is time sensitive, I will stay behind the extra 10-15 minutes to get it done and out the way. I'm also conscious of the fact that we (as a workforce) have been threatened with redundancies 4 times over the past 5 years so I also make a point of staying to do certain things so I appear "useful" and valuable to the company. I don't always put in overtime for these extra 15 minutes, although I can if I want to, because I don't want to be seen as taking the piss. DP has the attitude of "fuck them, you finish at 4pm and if something isn't done then it's someone else's problem".

I have a v small commute - 10 minutes - and if im not home by 4.10pm, DP makes snarky comments and quizzes what I've been doing.

Important to note we have no kids, housework is split 70/30 to me, and latest I've ever been home is 4.45pm. Normally its 4.20pm and this isn't every day. Maybe 2 or 3 times a week max.

Am I right in thinking what I do is normal? And that an extra 15 minutes or so isn't a big deal. DP has asked me to put it to MN vote.

The tampon thing is fucking creepy. The work thing is controlling and weird and the housework thing would be supremely irritating. If he’s bored can he not clean something ?

Projecting? Has he got a thing about a colleague and policing you like mad because of his own guilt?

My ex was like this. Constantly questioned my motives over the smallest thing. Started gradually and ramped up over the years.

He was a controlling, abusive, insecure and damaging man (who was also serially unfaithful).

I would advise leaving him - it will get worse.

This is a bit scary! Controlling and creepy.
I also think he is watching you for signs of cheating, which is what men do when they are cheating themselves.

DP has asked me to put it to MN vote.

Frankly, who gives a sh*t what MN or your partner think? It is your job, your life, and being a partner, married or not, does not give ownership rights. Do what you want. And frankly, if he can only be arsed doing 30% of the chores, I'd suggest that what you might want could include ditching the controlling arse - you'd probably have at least 30% less chores if you did, and your own life back.

He sounds horrible! Luckily you have your own job and no children. Easy for you to LTB.

Imagine if your sister or your best friend described this situation to you. You'd tell them to run a mile!

He doesn't sound very aspirational, and more make do. Are you really compatible?

Yep. Watch out for him cheating. Classic projection could be going on here.

I do the same, and it is also what I expect from my reports. Including on claiming overtime, I think there is a balance. What that "extra bit" would be I think largely depends on the role, level of responsibility, seniority, remuneration etc, (in some roles it could be hours) but I would even go as far as saying that it not just normal, it is the expectation.

However, even if it was not normal and entirely unreasonable: ultimately, it is your decision how you want to approach your work and how much you put into it. Particularly as you have no kids. The extra time you put in is ridiculously little, but even if it wasn't and you were a workaholic working 24/7 then I would expect a respectful grown up conversation, not snarky comments questioning where you have been.

Feel sorry for you OP! Please leave him, it'll only get worse 🙁

Fucking hell mate - more red flags here than Communist China!

Show him these answers.

Then get rid.

I thought he was an arse but then I read the tampon thing and have declared him unhinged!

This sort of behaviour isn't normal.

I was going to comment on the working time, but the tampon thing has me shivering. I could barely believe it...he's sounding like the guy in sleeping with the enemy.

If he thinks his behaviour is even close to normal, I feel sorry for you...because he won't see that he needs to change.

Talk about an invasion of privacy and your personal space...asking why you need to change it. He knows your blood flow does he?

Seriously...that would creep me out and make me take a big look at the relationship. All the other relationships I've known with this type of obsession are abusive ones.

He's hidden this side of him well for 8 years, which is quite scary really.

Oh yes...there's nothing wrong with you working an extra 15 minutes. He clearly has a different clock in and out bang on approach and that attitude will be evident in his career progression...although it won't bother him.

I wouldn't show him the answers. He'll want to ban you from MN.

The tampon thing stunned me too. He barely even notices when I have my period, let alone change my tampons!

You are right to finish your task and show you care to the business you work in.
It is weird that he gets upset for less than 30 minutes, it is not much at all. And the following you around. Something must be playing up in his mind. Maybe is the current circumstances? Try to sit him down at the weekend and ask if all is ok with him?

How do you feel about him, OP, do you love him? Is this what you want for your life? His behaviour is seriously creepy and inappropriate. Do you say anything when he is tampon watching, complaining about you being late etc? I couldn’t live like this ...

Hmm after your recent update about calls to a colleague that he keeps going on about would lead me to suspect he has had his head turned and his change in behaviour is likely him forcing confrontation so in his own head he can justify turning to someone else. I think he is doing this deliberately. He can change the narrative, she works too long, she doesnt care about me, i try and talk to her and she snaps and gets annoyed etc etc...

It sounds truly awful and I wouldnt stay with someone who is behaving like he is. Suffocating..

Bizarre behaviour.

I have a son who works in retail and he doesn't clock off "on time". He finishes what needs to be done first as he has long term ambitions of progressing in the company. I think your behaviour is normal and you shouldn't be doing 70% of the housework or having to apologize for being 20 minutes late unless you're meeting him out the house and he's at the mercy of the elements.

His other controlling behaviour is just terrifyingly creepy.

why isn't he pulling his weight with the house work? does he have some type of reason he can't do his share?

@WineByTheFire

Thank you all for confirming what I already knew. Its reassuring to know it's not just me. You're all right, he has no ambition when it comes to his work. To the pps who also work in retail, he literally downs tools and leaves regardless of whether the job is finished or not. He gets away with that. My boss would be

If I'm being honest, this issue is just one in a long line of strange behaviour from him recently. He's taken to watching me, all the time. He follows me around the house constantly. Watches what I'm doing. Asking questions constantly. It came to a head today when he watched me get a tampon out my bag, and watched me walk to the bathroom.. he said "why are you changing that again? you've not long changed it" ????!!!! I very nearly lost it with him.

I really don't know what his issue is, at all. He wasnt like this before. Just in the last 2 months or so.

He's now counting your tampons?

I'd be asking him to go.

couldn't live with someone like that. Creepy and controlling.

Your "D"P is a right twit, or twat. no children, I think you should cut your losses and LTB. Really creepy...Checking your tampons???? Christ on a bike!!! WHO does that?

Clock watches at work

Doesn't pull his weight at home

A veritable prince amongst men.

OP, my husband used to do this when I worked in a hospital years ago, I'd often be 15-20 mins late as I wanted to make sure everything was done before I handed over to the next shift...this was before we even had children and I was naive to think it was just cos he missed me or something. 10 years on, it's got so much worse and is in most aspects of life now. I work in care and if I'm home late I literally have to explain in detail why...ERM, sorry I couldn't leave the resident in the bath just cos the clock turned 3! Can relate to the tampon thing also...I've been asked similar because he thought I was lying about it and that I was going to the bathroom to be on my phone to whoever he thought I was messaging, crazy really?! Hope you're okay x

The first two pages, I was thinking he is being ridiculous, and, personally, I would hate to work with a colleague like him, and that with such a difference attitude to your work, I hope other parts of your life are really good to compensate for that difference in attitude. I was also thinking '"Why are you doing 70% of the household stuff.

But then your post about him following you and questioning you and watching you changed the thread altogether.
As a pp said - read it back to yourself a few times and listen to what you have written........

You need to have a really good think if there has actually been a sudden change, or if this has been a gradual wearing down of your [erception, and something has just made you notice more recently. The latter is definitely abuse and you should run for the hills, the former, I don't know - could it be some kind of behaviour change related to illness ?