Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A new patio has arrived. I did not order it.

140 replies

FFSThisIsTheLastStraw · 09/11/2020 07:48

DH did. He didn't tell me. I've woken up to find builders in my garden. DH has £30k of personal debt, doesn't share with me how much he is earning (self-employed) or let me see any bank statements, and has let me be the main breadwinner, in fact sole breadwinner, for most of the marriage. I should add he has ADHD. We are already living beyond our means.

I am beyond furious. He thinks he's done a nice thing (we really did need a new patio). I have no idea where the money is coming from. I spend my time trying to be frugal and he goes and buys himself nice clothes, gadgets and a fucking patio.

I have to get kids to school now and then work, so may not reply for a while. But I had to get that out of my system as I can't have the conversation with him while our child is around.

OP posts:
GeorginaTheGiant · 09/11/2020 07:51

That’s awful Op. you don’t do something like that in a marriage and it’s awful that you’re in the situation you are without access to information that directly affects you. Sounds like financial abuse to me and I couldn’t exist in a marriage (or indeed sleep at night) with no financial information or security. I would honestly leave this marriage unless he agrees to provide all information and open access to all accounts. Oh and please tell me you’re working now?

GeorginaTheGiant · 09/11/2020 07:52

Sorry just realised it’s you that’s the main breadwinner not him-good. I would perhaps try relationship counselling but honestly I can’t see much of a future with someone with his attitude to money. I am the polar opposite and couldn’t live with that.

slipperywhensparticus · 09/11/2020 07:52

I hope its solely in his name

Quartz2208 · 09/11/2020 07:52

Yes I think this should be the final straw op good luck

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/11/2020 07:54

See if they will bury him under it

CeeceeBloomingdale · 09/11/2020 07:55

I would bury him under it. Seriously I could not be in a relationship with someone like this, he is stupidly selfish.

Lipz · 09/11/2020 07:58

OMG that's shocking. How much is it costing? I'd send builders away until you speak to him. I wouldn't be happy with this type of large spend and not be consulted, especially if yous have lots of debt. What did he say when you rang him.

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 09/11/2020 07:59

Oh my god I would be beyond furious at something like this. DH and I have a small amount of debt (£300 on a catalogue and £200 on a shed we bought) and even though we could clear it in a couple of months, we STILL consult each other about what we are buying.

Do you own your home? If your DH's debts come calling you may end up fighting off bailiffs at the door. It may be all in your husbands name but YOU will end up responsible. I would say it's ultimatum time. No more spending until HE has paid off HIS debt. As for the builders I would be tempted to run out and cancel the job. Tell them that the man who has ordered it has no money. Where does your husband think the cash is coming from to do it? Is he pulling it out of your joint account? And if you do have one, that would go too. I'd be back to speed are accounts today!

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 09/11/2020 08:01

Speed are? **seperate

Greysparkles · 09/11/2020 08:04

I spend my time trying to be frugal and he goes and buys himself nice clothes, gadgets and a fucking patio

I'm sorry, I know it's not funny but this did make me smile

He bought himself a fucking patio Grin

But yes, he's an arse and you need to have a serious conversation about finances!

Tippexy · 09/11/2020 08:06

@DreadingSeason2020sFinale

Oh my god I would be beyond furious at something like this. DH and I have a small amount of debt (£300 on a catalogue and £200 on a shed we bought) and even though we could clear it in a couple of months, we STILL consult each other about what we are buying.

Do you own your home? If your DH's debts come calling you may end up fighting off bailiffs at the door. It may be all in your husbands name but YOU will end up responsible. I would say it's ultimatum time. No more spending until HE has paid off HIS debt. As for the builders I would be tempted to run out and cancel the job. Tell them that the man who has ordered it has no money. Where does your husband think the cash is coming from to do it? Is he pulling it out of your joint account? And if you do have one, that would go too. I'd be back to speed are accounts today!

This is utter scaremongering. You can’t be held liable for your spouse’s debts just because you are married.
CarrieCat · 09/11/2020 08:08

Is it even the patio you would have chosen?

AnotherEmma · 09/11/2020 08:09

I think you should get as much information as you can about his earnings, debts and other finances (using a forensic accountant as necessary) and get a divorce.

If you have any joint accounts, empty and close them ASAP.

Flowers
AnotherEmma · 09/11/2020 08:09

if necessary

Muchadoaboutlife · 09/11/2020 08:11

Blimey. How did he organise that without you knowing? This is nuts. I don’t know how much my DH earns but he’d never organise for builders to turn up without informing me

Elvesinquarantine · 09/11/2020 08:12

Send the builders away. Let it sit there as a reminder of his debt...

PicsInRed · 09/11/2020 08:13

This is utter scaremongering. You can’t be held liable for your spouse’s debts just because you are married.

In divorce, his debts will be considered as part of his "need" and all of OPs assets will go into the "pot" to be considered for division.

I would divorce and then either stay together or don't - but don't continue to be financially connected anymore, or everything YOU save for retirement by depriving yourself of thing now, will go to paying the debt of his sole fun, later.

It's going to be harder and harder to financially recover the longer you wait.

Moirasrose · 09/11/2020 08:16

Is he on medication for his adhd? It must be really difficult as he sounds incredibly impulsive. Can you take over the money side of things? Though I know it’s another thing to do.

Shoxfordian · 09/11/2020 08:21

Ask him how he plans to pay for it
He's not on your team here

Doubleyikes · 09/11/2020 08:22

This is utter scaremongering. You can’t be held liable for your spouse’s debts just because you are married.

My ex ran up £250,000 of debt in our joint names by forging my signature, not showing me paperwork and using his professional position to be able to get into such massive debt in the first place. If loans or other debt is in joint names both parties are liable. I left my marriage liable for half of the above and it took several years of an MPs help to prove to the bank that my ex had systematically defrauded me over many years until they finally agreed to release me from liability.

Standrewsschool · 09/11/2020 08:22

30k of debt! Wow!

You need to cut his credit cards up now,

My dh used to be self employed. He used to say that he could always earn more money by doing new jobs. He didn’t really value money the same way as me.

betterwithouthim · 09/11/2020 08:25

I sympathise. I believe my ex has undiagnosed adhd and he was forever spending - again me being main breadwinner and trying to cut back on day to day stuff whereas he just spent and built up credit card debt and so never contributed to anything joint for the house or kids

We are split now and I have the same if not more money than I did before while he continues working through his settlement at a rate of knots despite not currently working (think £600 Xmas present for a 10yo)

BarbaraofSeville · 09/11/2020 08:26

The OP isn't legally responsible for her husband's unsecured debt, but may end up paying some or all of it indirectly.

For a start, he's self employed, she's the main breadwinner, while he's spending his own money on himself, so its likely that he's not contributing fairly to household expenses. Unless he's a low earner due to child and house responsibilities, he should be putting money into the household pot.

I know the joke about burying him under the patio is rather obvious, but it does sound rather appropriate in this case Sad Flowers OP.

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 09/11/2020 08:29

@Tippexy This is utter scaremongering. You can’t be held liable for your spouse’s debts just because you are married.

Do you think bailiffs care if the tv is jointly owned? If the family car happens to be in DH's name, will the not take it because it's used by the wife and kids?

LolalovesLondon · 09/11/2020 08:29

This is utter scaremongering. You can’t be held liable for your spouse’s debts just because you are married.

It can affect credit ratings for your home address.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.