A new patio has arrived. I did not order it.

[FFSThisIsTheLastStraw]

DH did. He didn't tell me. I've woken up to find builders in my garden. DH has £30k of personal debt, doesn't share with me how much he is earning (self-employed) or let me see any bank statements, and has let me be the main breadwinner, in fact sole breadwinner, for most of the marriage. I should add he has ADHD. We are already living beyond our means.

I am beyond furious. He thinks he's done a nice thing (we really did need a new patio). I have no idea where the money is coming from. I spend my time trying to be frugal and he goes and buys himself nice clothes, gadgets and a fucking patio.

I have to get kids to school now and then work, so may not reply for a while. But I had to get that out of my system as I can't have the conversation with him while our child is around.

Has he explained why he won't tell you how much he earns? You're his wife!

Also why are you happy to financially support this man? Sounds like he's getting a sweet deal by working but also being a kept man

@CorianderBlues

There's another woman.

(Someone had to say it.)

One who's... really into patios?

My cousin had this type of issue. Her husband was bipolar and when he was in a mania mode , he would spend any money he could on clothes, cookware , expensive wines.
And he would start projects in the garden. Made waterwheels and dug ponds. She too , was the main breadwinner but kept accounts separate. When he died , it took ttwo skips to haul away his collections of stuff . Very hard to live with . She used to travel a lot to get away from it all.
Very hard to see how you can resolve this .

So he lets you know how much debt he has, lets you fund him by being the breadwinner, but wont let you know how much he earns? And then says YOU are angry all the time??!

He is a keeper for sure, a prince amongst men.

Why are you still with him?

Oh OP, I would be furious too. But as you say, hopefully it will increase the value of the house!

Is there any chance that he's built money up over the past few months if he's one of the few who's earning more in these times, or not spending as much as normal?

Obviously contributing properly to household expenses and paying his debt off should be the priority, but if he actually does pay for a needed home improvement, this could be the silver lining in the cloud that he otherwise is?

Not saying that him paying for the patio would make it all OK, far from it, but as you say, it will add to the house value, so is something that you will actually benefit from.

He’s got no respect for you- is the bottom line here really isn’t it.
Sorry op, I hope you find a way to sort this.

I was once married to a man similar to yours, OP. I could never pin him down on how much he earned, and I often had bailiffs turning up at the house because he owed money but hadn't told me. I also came home to find electricity cut off due to non-payment, on one occasion.
It's a horrible, horrible way to live and I regret that it took me so long to get away from him. But I had kids and I was a SAHM at the time.
But I did get away, and felt so much better for it. I advise you to get away, too. It will be 'easier' for you in some ways too because you go to work, although I know it is never easy to end a marriage.

If any of the debt is against the house, then bailiffs, repossession and eviction are possibilities.

Is he making any attempt at addressing his debt?

Is his ADHD medicated? Self employment is pretty disastrous for people who are hyperactive and unable to concentrate.

My exH did this. Not the patio but not telling me how much he earned, running up debt on stupid things, leaving me shirt of money for household expenses. Hence the ex.

Why are you passively living like this op?? I can’t believe you’re the breadwinner but you’re not even allowed to know how much he’s earning!!

I think you need an appointment with a solicitor OP - have as much financial info to hand as you can. The bank will be able to print statements for you if joint account. The solicitor can tell you how the land lies.

In the event of divorce he’d have to reveal his tax returns but be prepared for them to show low profits.

You may end up paying out to get rid of this parasite, but in the long run it would be worth it. It’s the sunken cost fallacy.

He knows perfectly well you wouldn't think it was a nice thing. He's done it to please himself. He would have consulted you otherwise-what fool starts a major building project without consulting their spouse? It would be divorce for me.

@Tippexy absolutely incorrect.

Currently in a similar situation where there is NO HELP. My case has gone all the way to the financial ombudsmen who are known for letting victims of financial abuse down. There is no help out there, been at it for years at this point.

How much does he pay for the roof over his head, the utilities he uses, the food he eats, etc?

I really think he's using you!

I wouldn't bother trying to stop them. Sounds like it's all underway and if you stopped it now you may owe them something for labour, plus you'll be left with a huge mess.

It sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm not sure I could live with that kind of financial uncertainty. You don't know if/when he'll do something like this again. I would be insisting on a sit down chat where you go through all his finances so you at least know what's going on. It would be a start.

As a pp said either a solicitor or CAB can provide some advice on what sort of impacts his debt could have on you longer term. Then at least you can make an informed decision. Good luck!

Yeah, bury him under it was my first thought too.

Honestly this is so insecure and unsafe for you and your children financially. Please do close any joint accounts ASAP and think carefully about whether or not you can stay in this marriage.

I am not sure how you can be happy living with a man who hides his financial information from you and leaves you the 'sole' breadwinner.

If he doesnt share information how do you pay for bills, mortgage etc?
Have you checked with the bank to ensure he hasnt managed to get a loan from the equity on the property? He could have put your signature on this without you realising.

You need to get tough as his attitude to money and debts is concerning . i wouldnt trust him at all

If you can be shown to have benefited from debt in his name, as a married couple, you can be held jointly liable for it. A patio would count as a home improvement you're benefiting from.

I'd divorce. How long can you go on before you're dragged hopelessly under by his irresponsibility?

If you are still with him after all these years of living like this, you must really love him. Will this latest surprise turn out to be the straw that broke the camel's back?

I think you need plan a split from him, he must be costing you a fortune to “run” every month.