A new patio has arrived. I did not order it.

[FFSThisIsTheLastStraw]

DH did. He didn't tell me. I've woken up to find builders in my garden. DH has £30k of personal debt, doesn't share with me how much he is earning (self-employed) or let me see any bank statements, and has let me be the main breadwinner, in fact sole breadwinner, for most of the marriage. I should add he has ADHD. We are already living beyond our means.

I am beyond furious. He thinks he's done a nice thing (we really did need a new patio). I have no idea where the money is coming from. I spend my time trying to be frugal and he goes and buys himself nice clothes, gadgets and a fucking patio.

I have to get kids to school now and then work, so may not reply for a while. But I had to get that out of my system as I can't have the conversation with him while our child is around.

@AnotherEmma

I think you should get as much information as you can about his earnings, debts and other finances (using a forensic accountant as necessary) and get a divorce.

If you have any joint accounts, empty and close them ASAP.

This is excellent advice.

OP you need to stop wasting your energy taking to him while he never changes. And start getting your little Mn ducks in a row.

Also you need legal advice.

I'd divorce him.

OP I simply couldn't live like this. What an awful situation ☹️ 💐

I couldn't live like this...it isn't a relationship..you are mothering a child who keeps being naughty.

So the ADHD...I would get divorced as he won't change

Sorry...should read "sod the ADHD"

How come you are the sole bread winner when he works? I hope he pays his share of bills and food, if he lets you pay for everything for the house and spends his money on himself can I be the first to call cocklodger.

@LolalovesLondon I think they did away with the blacklisting addresses thing, however whilst the OP may not be personally chased for all her husbands personal debts, she will end up being forced to pay somehow. If his wages are garnished it's coming out of her joint household income by way of her footing all the bills. If the bailiffs come they take joint assets and tell the debtor to pay the other person back half the value.

I had a friend who shared a house with a mate.
He paid the mate half the rent, half the bills and half the council tax as agreed. The mate had the direct debits set up. Apparently. (I know, my friend was daft)
Turns out the mate was blowing the cash and when the council, landlord and bailiffs came knocking, my friends possessions were taken because he didn't have receipts for them. My friend also had to pay the council tax AGAIN including his friends half because joint names or not, the council chased only who they could easily find. So friend paid his half, plus his half again and then his friend's half too! The police were no help because debts in joint names mean they can chase just one name on it. This could easily happen with OP. If the DH is so bad with money, any credit he gets could be done in joint names.

There's another woman.

(Someone had to say it.)

Bloody hell OP that's the stupid sort of shit my ex husband would have done,1 of the very reasons he's an ex.

Like PP's have mentioned be really careful with his debts,my ex husband never let me see any payslips and when I kicked him out he'd left me with £16,500 of debts all his but I was the one that had to bloody pay them off.

But how will he pay for it?

Can you stop the builders?

@ohtheholidays

Bloody hell OP that's the stupid sort of shit my ex husband would have done,1 of the very reasons he's an ex.

Like PP's have mentioned be really careful with his debts,my ex husband never let me see any payslips and when I kicked him out he'd left me with £16,500 of debts all his but I was the one that had to bloody pay them off.

Is that automatic or were they joint cards?

I don’t think you should send the builders away. That’s their income/employment and they shouldn’t have to suffer financially because your dh is a loose cannon.

Anyway, I’d use this as an opportunity to mend the financial situation going forwards. I’d ask for all his financial stuff to be laid out onto the table so that you can together make a plan to sort it out. If he won’t disclose it, I’d say to him that the marriage depends on it.

If he’s self employed and can easily pick work up, then he needs to do this pronto.

I would be SO furious if my husband did this! What an absolute dickhead.

I would have told the builders first thing there is no way to pay them so not to start any work.

I would be livid. and considering my future.

How many years has this been going on? How many conversations like this have you had?

Honestly OPimagine how much more peaceful your life would be without this kind of stress. You’d probably have more money too even if you took responsibility for half his debts because he wouldn’t be around to spend money on non essentials.

Please consider your options. You only get one life

LTB

Not joking

He doesn't give a fuck about you. If you want this to be your life then stay, if you don't then leave. How can you have any respect for him.

Extra couple of feet need dug for the foundation!

Honestly, he has ADHD, this complicates issues. But you can't keep living like this. You need to have a serious discussion about finances & his contribution to the family expenses and shared goals as well as not unilaterally making changes to your home.

Personally I couldn't live like this, so I wouldn't have married him in the first place, but if I had, I'd be leaving him. I couldn't cope with his financial irresponsibility.

Burying him under the patio is probably the best idea yet. Cheaper than a divorce.

On the plus side, a new patio will increase the value of the house when we have to sell. I can't stop the builders now, I've now got a mud bath with rat holes for a back garden.

Apparently he is buying the patio. With his money. I don't have to worry about it. Won't tell me anymore than that, other than I apparently have to stop being so angry the whole time. He's cant see the problem with the debt (he's been 'actively' ignoring it for years, having read all the advice on debt websites).

Just because you have ADHD doesn't mean you're dumb. He's no longer grounded is seeing the big picture. This is so normalised for him that he needs to seriously sit down and think about what he's doing objectively. Ask him 'If you had a friend who was 30k in debt, would you advise him/her to buy a new patio'?

My concern is that this level of debt has made him numb. Because he's already 30k deep, he might think 'What's a few extra thousand?'. That's a very, very slippery slope. It's similar in some ways to women who've lost their healthy boundaries in a relationship because they've been abused for so long they have a very different frame of reference to most people. In your position I would try to legally separate my finances from his.

Apparently he is buying the patio. With his money. I don't have to worry about it. Won't tell me anymore than that, other than I apparently have to stop being so angry the whole time. He's cant see the problem with the debt (he's been 'actively' ignoring it for years, having read all the advice on debt websites).

If he won't even talk to you about it - then I think sadly this probably is the final straw and I'd be looking at getting some legal advice about seperation/divorce.

Perosnally I wouldn't be able to live with the stress and worry this must be bringing into your life.

OP you need to seperate yourself financially from this person and that means a divorce.

What will be your crunch point? A remortgage behind your back?