A new patio has arrived. I did not order it.

[FFSThisIsTheLastStraw]

DH did. He didn't tell me. I've woken up to find builders in my garden. DH has £30k of personal debt, doesn't share with me how much he is earning (self-employed) or let me see any bank statements, and has let me be the main breadwinner, in fact sole breadwinner, for most of the marriage. I should add he has ADHD. We are already living beyond our means.

I am beyond furious. He thinks he's done a nice thing (we really did need a new patio). I have no idea where the money is coming from. I spend my time trying to be frugal and he goes and buys himself nice clothes, gadgets and a fucking patio.

I have to get kids to school now and then work, so may not reply for a while. But I had to get that out of my system as I can't have the conversation with him while our child is around.

£30k of debt?? Jesus poor you! That's a nightmare

Ummmm.... is he gambling?

The debt, the refusal to let you see bank accounts, the impulsivity aspect of adhd and the random huge purchase... I would be asking questions.

@caringcarer

ADHD is no excuse. My son has ADHD and would never do anything like this. I thinkhink I would have sent them away and cancelled the patio. I could just not live like this. If you are married any debt is joint debt no matter who caused it. I would give him ultimatum, either he goes for debt counseling or he must leave. I think the CAB have debt counselors. He is way out of order and putting all of your future in jeopardy.

Not all people with ADHD are the same. I imagine you know that.

Impulsive spending is a feature of ADHD for some people. Not all, but it's a common feature. So it may well explain OP's DP's behaviour, even if it's not a factor for your son.

But this isn’t really impulsive spending as I understand it - there are so many steps you’d have to go through to actually hire builders to lay a patio! Unless he’s just met some bloke in a pub and said “oh go on then, build me a patio” without going through quotes/checking reviews etc?

My ex was like this, although ‘only’ £13k. Also never saw it as a problem because he’s a ‘high earner’. He never opened bills, didn’t have a clue how much the debt was, never spent a minute worrying about it. We didn’t even have anything to show for it, because he just frittered it away.

It was not the only thing wrong, but it was definitely a big factor.

Have you any idea of the price of the quote for the patio?

I looked into re-paving ours at a cost of £11k for a not very big area. This could swell the debts by quite a lot, I'd be fucking raving if my DH did that.

I would have been long divorced tbh your life sounds so unnecessarily stressful because you aren't a team

You can tot that up to at least £40k debt now....LTB FFS

Get your salary paid into your own bank account. That wAy at least he can't spend that money.

Thank you for all your replies. He is not under the patio. Yet. I need to get my ducks in a row.
For those that asked, the builders had already started by the time I got downstairs. We had discussed getting the patio done last year but had agreed we couldn't afford it. As far as finances go, he has been contributing to the household bills more recently as he now has some income from his business but i can't see how he has access to enough for a new patio and other things he has bought recently. Regardless, he still should have discussed it with me. Someone asked if I even liked the patio. I don't know. I've not seen the slabs yet, they are wrapped up in a pile at the bottom of the garden. They could be precast concrete for all I know (although more likely to be something high end given his tastes).
I take care of all the household admin and bills (from a joint account) and I also have a separate account. But yes, I need to bite the bullet.

Time to cut off the joint account personally imo.

This requires a serious conversation. He needs to be honest about this debts. Personally for me I couldn’t live with financial insecurity. It would be too much. The cost worry would drive me crazy.

My dd has Adhd and is very impulsive with little concept around money. So yes adhd is doing obviously a factor here but what is he doing about it? He must know it bothers you.

Close the joint account

Is your dh bipolar FFSThisIsTheLastStraw ?

Sorry my mind went to Fred West. But then I remember watching the TV drama about him called Appropriate Adult. There's a scene where the main characters husband goes on a massive spending splurge , buying a car and TV etc. Turns out he had bi-polar and wasn't taking his medication. This sounds rather similar.